Another bad one. Another day where I am missing my husband and replaying all those good times in my head and having that ach in my chest. I just had the urge to call him and then I just couldn't stay on the line, I just couldn't. He ID'd the call and called back and left an angry message for me.<BR> I just wish to God he could understand this pain I'm in. Just for an hour, please God, just let this man know what's doing to me, how much I love him, how much I miss him. Why does this have to be so bad? I can't stop myself from thinking about him and playing the last time I saw him over and over in my head. <BR> I wish I had never met him. If I had known ten years ago that this would happen I would never have dated him.

{{{{{{Nduli}}}}}<P>I have been where you are and wished for and asked God all the same questions. It is very very hard, and some days almost unbearable. As time goes on, sometimes the down times don't last as long or occur as often, but in the beginning I remember more down time then good. Sending you hugs, Dana<BR>

Thanks Dana, things -are- getting better but something happened last night that kind of shook me up. Someone used the "l" word with me and while I thought I would love more than anything for someone to say they adore me and can picture themselves building a life with me; frankly it scared me. <BR> I've been in this emotional qaugmire for over 6 months now and in all that time my stbx has never told me he loved me; cared about me yes, love, no. <BR> I've been so lonely for him and rejection is all I ever get. Last night I heard the most beautiful words spoken to me that I've heard in a long time but all they did was scare me. I'm so afraid of falling in love with someone else; what if this happens again? I was so foolishly blind and didn't see my marriage falling apart what would make me any wiser this time?<BR> My feelings for the person in question are very strong; perhaps a bit of love but at the same time I still love my stbx. I know there's a snowball's chance in Hell of us reconcilling and any hope on my part is wishful thinking but I'm so afraid to let go and actually let myself feel good. This other person tells me everyday how special I am to them and how wonderful they feel when they're with me and how much it tears them apart to see me hurting. When I hear that and when I look at his face and see the sincerity behind those statements I feel peaceful for the first time in a long time. Why can't I allow myself the luxury of enjoying that and taking strength from it. My stbx is in la-la land with OW; his marriage dead and buried as far as he's concerned. How long am I going to punish myself for this?

Nduli2<P>I was just going to post a message just like yours. My story is so close to yours it is uncanny. My questions are the same. <P>The feelings I have for my STBXH run so deep, and the vows we took were forever-and I have never taken them lightly. Being out of control of the situation doesn't help, meaning everything has been initiated by my husband: opening up himself to an affair, telling himself that he didn't love me anymore, going after this woman, and divorcing me. I just had to take it all and accept it the best I could/can.<P>I am not sure about your complete story. It is just that your issues parallel mine. We have become a sort of martyr, we can't let that stop us from finding happiness & yes LOVE again. <BR>Don't punish yourself & I'll try not to either.<P>take care,<BR>Petrie<BR>

I know; I have been doing this odd dance of whenever I start to feel good I get out the whipping post and start beating myself with it. Why did I can my stbx today? There was no real reason, I knew what I would get from him(nothing) and yet I did it and now I'm back to feeling miserable.<BR> Our issues are very close. You and I both are carrying around too much responsiblity for our divorces. I keep playing "what if" in my head and although it's pointless and serves no purpose I do it.<BR> I wish my h's insurance was good in this state, I really need therapy.