I'm new to the group, and I'm hoping this will help. <br>My "hub" is 3 years younger than I, and we've been married since 12/98. He's 25. I'm 28. Our biggest problem is that he grew up around gangs and violence and his outlook on life really SUCKS. I grew up in a positive middle-class environment where most kids went to college and did something with their lives. I continue to surround myself with positive people and positive environments which are conducive to a happy marriage. He doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs - so thank God for that. I'm having the hardest time trying to adjust to his 'idiosyncracies', but am trying my damnedest to work things through.<p>Another challenge is that I don't feel comfortable with his manners, his diction and the way he handles situations. He's really embarassing sometimes. He uses slang when he talks and it is SO unbecoming. He sees everything through "juvenile glasses" and I just don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel more like a sister than I do a wife, and it makes me question what we're doing being married to each other. <p>Ready for the big slam? I'm a professional web designer, and he's a full-time student. He got his GED because he dropped out of grade school, but now he's in college. I truly believe that he went to college because he thinks that I'd look down on him if he didn't. (I wouldn't.) I have a hard time listening to his concerns. I try to be attentive, but GEEZ, I went through that stuff over 10 years ago, and it's really annoying. <p>I've tried to be subtle about my feelings, but I haven't yet found a way to address the issues without hurting his feelings, or seeming like I'm better than him. The truth of the matter is, we love each other very much, and I just need to find out what I need to do to handle this. He's gotten better since we've been married, but the road is rough. <p>Objective advice is welcomed. <p><p>[This message has been edited by WebTech (edited 02-18-99).]

WebTech,<p>Based on your post, I'd say subtlety isn't your strong suit. Some of that comes with maturity.<p>I suggest that you get copies of three of the books here: Give and Take, Lovebusters, and His Needs/Her Needs. The MarriageBuilder "Rules" for a good marriage are behaviorally-based: you can change your behaviors and treat each other with the love and respect that you both deserve. It's helpful if you both are willing to do this together: you've only been married a few months, so it's a good time for getting started learning these new habits.<p>If you've surfed this site, you probably know the four Rules for a successful marriage. Rule of Protection (eliminate lovebusters), Rule of Care (meet each others emotional needs), Rule of Honesty, and the Rule of Time. Go over them. Usually in counseling, you learn about Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement. Then you work on Lovebusters. After those are eliminated, you start meeting each other's emotional needs.<p>I could identify your major lovebuster easily. Disrespectful judgements. You clearly have work to do in that area. If one of your "needs" is that your husband gentrify his language, I suggest that you learn how to express this positively in a way that he'll be interested in doing.<p>I suggest you order the books, check your ego at the door, and get serious on working on this. Even if your husband doesn't want to, YOU should learn these behaviors, and influence him. Get to it before more problems develop in your young marriage.

WebTech,<p>I think K gave you some good advice. I can understand the uneasiness you have about the things you descibed, but the thing that puzzles me is that you had to know these things about your husband before you married him. Now that you're married (and if you want to stay married) you'll have to handle this with kid gloves. I can see your husband, as much as he may really need to change, getting highly defensive if you don't do this right.<br>But, as K pointed out, it's a very young marriage. Now is the time to get things on the right track, whatever it takes.

I also agree that you need to do some reading. Get His Needs, Her Needs and read it together aloud. Not only will the advice from the book help but it might help your husband's diction if he read's aloud.