I dont know what to do with myself. I just got my divorce papers last week, and it killed me. I'm 28 yrs old and have only been married 2 yrs, but i have been with her 6 yrs, so it feels like a 6 yr marriage. Last summer i started getting depressed and stopped being really out going and stopped working out and let my body go to hell. Well my wife is a person that is in the gym everyday(sometimes 4 hours a day) and cause of that i would get in arguement with her about having an obsession with her body. Well she started staying later at the gym and told me that she was just talking to a few guys that work out. It kind of hurt me, but she assured me that she has no interest in anyone else. Over the course of a few monthes she started staying later and it started making me mad. so when she would get home i would fly into a rage(i NEVER hit her) but i would threaten to leave her if she didnt stop coming in late and I told her to stop talking to those guys. Well to make a longer story shorter, we got in a really big fight and i told her i wanted a divorce(which i really didnt want). And her reaction was.."ok". After we kind of talked about working things out, i went to couseling for my depression and got on meds. and she had discussed going to marriage couseling with me. But i found out that one of the guys that she had been talking to at the gym, was a guy that she was starting to have feelings for. And he is married too. The work out together all the time, and she has confessed that, though they have not been physical, she is haveing and EA with him. She says that he may be her soulmate, and that they have so many things in common. So last month we separated, and have not been talking much. I told her that in order for us to work things out she would have to stop talking to that guy. And she said that it is not possible, that he is a good friend and she doesnt want to lose a good friend.YA right!!! Well to make matters worse any time that we have talked we end up getting into a fight, blaming each other for this. She tells me I left the door open for her to start liking someone else. Now last week i got the divorce papers in the mail. And a college friend of our told me he called to see what was up with her, and all she did was talk about that guy from the gym. He said that she doesnt act like our divorce is even hurting her. The biggest thing that hurts is this guy from the gym has a great body, really muscular and a great stomach. and my wife has told me that she always want a man like that. And i asked her then why did you marry me? she said that she loved me, and she was settling, and that she thought that a guy with a great body that works out was not important in life. But she says that she has to be true to herself and realize that she want an athletic man in her life. Now im more depressed then ever, and i dont know what to do.<P>Sorry so Long

Hi BioMan, I'm so sorry you have to be here!! <P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BioMan:<BR><B>I dont know what to do with myself. I just got my divorce papers last week, and it killed me. I'm 28 yrs old and have only been married 2 yrs, but i have been with her 6 yrs, so it feels like a 6 yr marriage. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It hurts like hell... no doubt about that. People here have been married a year, 10 yrs, 20 yrs and longer... you will find others who share your pain.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> Last summer i started getting depressed and stopped being really out going and stopped working out and let my body go to hell. Well my wife is a person that is in the gym everyday(sometimes 4 hours a day) and cause of that i would get in arguement with her about having an obsession with her body. Well she started staying later at the gym and told me that she was just talking to a few guys that work out. It kind of hurt me, but she assured me that she has no interest in anyone else. Over the course of a few monthes she started staying later and it started making me mad. so when she would get home i would fly into a rage(i NEVER hit her) but i would threaten to leave her if she didnt stop coming in late and I told her to stop talking to those guys.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>Well, you know that threatening her with leaving wasn't the thing to do... and of course, you hold the divorce papers in your hands, so she took it pretty seriously, huh?? You had every right to want her to stay away from the men!! I always say to trust your gut... if you think there's a problem, there probably is!<BR> <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Well to make a longer story shorter, we got in a really big fight and i told her i wanted a divorce(which i really didnt want). And her reaction was.."ok". <HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>Boy, BIG MISTAKE, eh? <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>After we kind of talked about working things out, i went to couseling for my depression and got on meds. and she had discussed going to marriage couseling with me. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>This is good.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>But i found out that one of the guys that she had been talking to at the gym, was a guy that she was starting to have feelings for. And he is married too. The work out together all the time, and she has confessed that, though they have not been physical, she is haveing and EA with him. She says that he may be her soulmate, and that they have so many things in common. So last month we separated, and have not been talking much. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>Blech... blech, and double blech... that word "soulmate" is bandied about here and spit upon!! <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I told her that in order for us to work things out she would have to stop talking to that guy. And she said that it is not possible, that he is a good friend and she doesnt want to lose a good friend.YA right!!! Well to make matters worse any time that we have talked we end up getting into a fight, blaming each other for this. She tells me I left the door open for her to start liking someone else. Now last week i got the divorce papers in the mail. And a college friend of our told me he called to see what was up with her, and all she did was talk about that guy from the gym. He said that she doesnt act like our divorce is even hurting her. The biggest thing that hurts is this guy from the gym has a great body, really muscular and a great stomach. and my wife has told me that she always want a man like that. And i asked her then why did you marry me? she said that she loved me, and she was settling, and that she thought that a guy with a great body that works out was not important in life. But she says that she has to be true to herself and realize that she want an athletic man in her life. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>You know that all of this is BS! She is in an affair, and of COURSE she's in a fog. She *thinks* that she's found her soulmate, and she *thinks* that being with Mr. Athletic will solve her problems, and she's *happy* right now because she's being selfish and pretending you don't exist.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Now im more depressed then ever, and i dont know what to do.<P>Sorry so Long</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Nah, don't worry about the length... and you have EVERY RIGHT to be depressed.<P>Here's what to do. <P><B>DON'T SIGN THE PAPERS<BR>TELL HER YOU DON'T WANT A DIVORCE<BR>GO TO COUNSELING YOURSELF IF SHE WON'T GO WITH YOU</B> -- Perhaps with the Harley's?? (Link is on top of this page)<P>Read everything you can here... <P>...and best wishes!!<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

BioMan,<P>Welcome to MarriageBuilders - I am sorry for the reasons that you are hear, but glad that you have found a fantastic place for support for what you are enduring right now.<P>Please know that you aren't alone, and that your story isn't even unique. Your wife is acting like the typical spouse during what we call the "fog" of the affair. She's going to do and say things that absolutely devastate you.<P>I'm going to encourage you to post your story over on General Questions II also, there are several men (mbtrk, worthatry, NSR, OnOffOnoff, Rick37) who are dealing with many of the same elements of your situation. They can provide a great deal of support for you.<P>I'd recommend that you get a copy of Surviving an Affair, and read the "Beginners" threads that are under the forum called Just Found Out.<P>Actually, I know NSR posts over here so maybe he can provide you some links to stuff. There's also some great men like SoTired2000, and Father of 1, Husband of 0 that can help you too.<P>Read everything you can find on Plan A, and put it into practice ASAP!!<P>I wish you luck!!<P>--BR

Aaah, I found the link:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html</A> <P>

Thank you for your help. I do realize that the reactions that i had to my situation were normal and also very much damaging to my already cracked marriage. But i have to just accept my part in the demise of our marriage. She keeps trying to blame me for her seeking out another man. I told her that i can see how my actions led her to think that i didnt care about her anymore(I didnt care about anything). but I told her she is in control of her own mind and heart, and i did nothing to push her into the arms of another man. I told her that she mad that decision on her own.<BR>I have been reading many books, i have been thinking about going to a divorce support group. I have been just finding it so hard to think about anything else besides her and the times we were together.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BioMan:<BR><B>Thank you for your help. I do realize that the reactions that i had to my situation were normal and also very much damaging to my already cracked marriage. But i have to just accept my part in the demise of our marriage. She keeps trying to blame me for her seeking out another man. I told her that i can see how my actions led her to think that i didnt care about her anymore(I didnt care about anything). but I told her she is in control of her own mind and heart, and i did nothing to push her into the arms of another man. I told her that she mad that decision on her own.<BR>I have been reading many books, i have been thinking about going to a divorce support group. I have been just finding it so hard to think about anything else besides her and the times we were together.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oh, make no mistake... you do have a part in the destruction of your marriage -- or rather the situation that led your W to seek comfort elsewhere -- BUT!! - <B>ONLY SHE</B> IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HAVING AN AFFAIR.<P>You have NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT!!<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

BioMan,<P>I'm not sure if you've posted before but your name sounds new to me, so welcome to the forum . I'm sorry you have found yourself here as well. <P>To let you know a few things, you are definetely NOT alone in any of your feelings, many have been thru much of the same thing. I am 28 also, I was married 3 years but we were together 11 and believe me, it felt like a marriage the whole time previously. We have 3 daughters together, and had started to work our life out finally. He had an EA with someone at work. Supposedly, just friends, however he left on xmas day and a week later moved in with OW, and affair became PA. To make a long and painful story short, I am now divorced, and he is engaged to OW. <P>I felt very hurt when this all started. I said things I didn't mean. I didn't notice warning signs leading up to the affair and I missed him terribly when he left. <P>I learned a lot here. I learned about needs which was the most important thing I wish I knew before this started. I learned that I played a part in the end of the marriage and it was painful.<P>I would agree that it sounds like she is having an affair. I wonder if her "friend's" wife knows of her? Nothing worse than an affair destroying a marriage, is having it destroy two especially with kids involved. <P>I also would love to fantasize about having a soulmate, but the more I learn, about relationships and love, I wonder if there really is such a thing. Relationships take an incredible amount of work and can't be neglected for a moment.<P>This might be repeated information, but since I'm not sure how long you've been posting, I'm going to say, read everything you can on the website. I also read Surviving an Affair by Harley, His Needs Her Needs, and a few others. Private Lies by Dr Pittman helped and if you get bored I have others! If your not sure about this divorce, I think you should check into Plan A, and start it. See your attorney about the papers you received and he can help you stall a little if thats what you want to work on. ALso, counseling, even for yourself would help you a lot.<P>My attorney gave me the opportunity to stall, but as I got into this, I went the other route and wanted it over. But the attorney can give you some info as to what this all means to you in terms of financial, etc.<P>Good luck, Dana<BR>

DanaB <BR>Thank you so much for you support and kind words. I have been doing a little soul searching and have come to the conclusion that maybe I dont want a person like her. She was always very vain and worried about her looks. Which is not a problem until you start becoming obsessed with it. I dont have a great body, I dont have a flat stomach. Well her gym "friend" does have the body. And yes he wife found out that my wife and her husband have been staying at the gym and talking after the workouts. From what my wife has said he and his wife have been having problems. So i guess it is just a matter of time before he gets a divorce and starts a relationship with my wife. My wife says that if he and his wife get a divorce maybe they are not meant to be together. <BR>But i have really be thinking...Is that the type of woman i want to be with for the rest of my life? We have no kids(thank God). But do I really want a woman like that raising our kids. She told me that her "friend" and her have so much in common....they both workout, they both are worried about their bodies, and they both want to spend as much time at the gym as they can.<BR>Hell my wife has even talked about quiting her nursing job which pays very well. and becoming a personal trainer. Mind you I see nothing wrong with fitness. But some people just take it to the extreme and dont realize that they are healthy physically but unhealthy mentally.<P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

BioMan,<P>First off - been there, done that, heard it all! (just about). I am 30yrs old, wife is 27. She has been gone a year now (two if you include the emotional distancing she did while we were together). You my friend have encountered a situation that is more common than not. When I first went through all this mess I thought I was the only one. Then I came here. Over the past year I think there have been about 10 men/women who were in almost the exact situation you are in now. It actually quite amazes me - different people, different situations, but the same mess.<P>I can tell you that she is in fact "in the fog". My wife also had an emotional affair, but will deny it til the day she dies. We had issues in our marriage, not problems. We will be "married" 5 years come June - dated about 5 years before that. Upon leaving my wife needed to come up with some type of rationalization for her actions (something VERY common to those "in the fog"). She proceeded to color our whole relationship "bad". Boy did it hurt. At first it felt like all these years we were living a lie. NOT TRUE. It took me several months to stop "listening" to her rationalizations and see our marriage for what it was - a basically good relationship with some fundamental flaws that were never addressed.<P>I hate to say it, but you just got on the worst roller-coaster ride of your life. Just as with me, it is one you never bought a ticket for - but nevertheless you are on it now. Just keep in mind that it is totally normal. All the feelings you will have - we all have had. Sad, depressed, mad, angry, pissed-off, even happy, glad to be rid of her. These emotions constantly fluctuate - at first each one may last for a week or more, but eventually they will start to level out. Keep strong. Know that while things may not get better, you will get stronger and better able to handle what comes along.<P>What worked wonders for me was to turn to my faith. I prayed longer and harder than I ever have before in my life. I did not pray for God to "change her mind", rather I prayed for His guidance, for His comfort and for His love. I also prayed for the strength to fight off the anger that I knew was bound to show up in my life and it never did - sure I would get mad here and there and do stupid things, but those feelings were quick to pass. Now I can look back and be proud of how I handled things. Keep your dignity and calm through everything you go through - you will be the better person for it in the end.<P>Try to avoid what I call the "rationalization trap". Since your wife has decided to go back and re-write your relationship, it is very easy for you to begin to do the same. What I tried to remember was that no one is perfect - I married my wife IN-SPITE of her imperfections, many of which I knew about before we married. Just as she did the same for me. You choose to love. No marriage is perfect and every relationship has problems. The next person you fall in-love with will probably have totally different issues than your wife, but just as you did with her, you will accept them.<P>Something you will get from EVERYONE you know is criticism. "you should forget her" "don't forget her" "be patient" "move on" "don't be nice to her" "be nice to her", and on and on. These people only mean well, but try not to listen too much to them - odds are they have not gone through anything even close to what you are experiencing. My decision was (and is) to love my wife. She hurt me - I loved her. She cheated on me (emotionally) - I loved her. She left me and filed for divorce - I loved her. Now our divorce is almost complete and I still love her. I am no longer "living" for her, but that does not mean I have to re-color my feelings for her. I never vowed "for better and for worse, til death do us part, unless you stop loving me - then I won't love you anymore". My vows, your vows are not contingent on our spouse's vows. The breaking of one does not have to mean that we break our own. Was/Is it hard to do - keep faithful knowing everything my wife is doing? Most certainly. But I have grown so much over the past year. I feel so much stronger and better in control of my life.<P>These are only my opinions. The bottom line is that you need to do what is best for you. I will leave you with something a counselor of mine told me months ago after I conveyed to him my commitment to my wife - he said:<P>"Mike, the world would be a much better place if there were more men who held to their wedding vows as you are now doing. Love her until you feel you can't love her anymore".<P>That I guess is my challenge to you - "love her until you can't love her anymore". Stand up for your marriage in-spite of what seems like insurmountable odds. You won't be unable to "move on", rather you will be choosing to stand and fight for your marriage - BIG difference.<P>Good Luck and God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>PS: If you are interested in seeing how I and another friend who is our age with the same circumstances, went from where you are a year ago, to where we are today, follow this link to do a search on some of our posts from the past year... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/search.cgi?action=intro&default=34" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/search.cgi?action=intro&default=34</A> - type "SoTired2000" in the "search by member name". Then type "jayhawk93" in the same box to do another search....<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

BioMan,<P>You got some great advice and I think you'll find one thing here that I always liked, is that your not alone. <P>There are so many other people that go thru almost the exact thing. There are usually a few people who are going thru the exact same stages at the same time, similar to Mike and Jayhawk, and Myself and Mitzi when I came here. Its very interesting to see how some situations "playout" almost exactly the same and the WS says many similar things. <P>I read somewhere that divorce, and the affairs are worse than losing your spouse to death and I believe it. Its going to be a long ride, with good days and bad days. Read all you can, post on the board, and let your faith guide you . Take time to be good to yourself whenever you can.<P>Dana<P>