Hi. I'm new to this board and I have a lot of questions. So I apologize if this is long. I have been married for 6.5 yrs and we have a daughter. Daughter is 15 mths. My H left for a new career in September. He was in training for 4 months and I thought all was okay. To make a long story short we were going to move to a new city once he was finished training. He came home about once a month during this time. Anyway, when he was home the last time before he began the job, he told me that he loved me but wasn't in love with me. We agreed that he needed time to sort things out in his head and when he was ready our daughter and I would join him. At this point I was emotionally distraught I pursued and begged him to let us move down with him. I think this only pushed him away. I did pack all my things and moved in with him. He was indifferent and I felt like an intruder in his apartment. I know that being apart can cause there to be awkwardness, but this was not comfortable. He put no effort in the move and had nothing to do with storing our things etc. He claimed he couldn't take off work to help us move. After being there 1 week I called my father and asked him to come get me. My father flew down there and we made the drive home together. (About 800 miles). I filed for divorce upon arrival and started the process. While at his place I intercepted a card from his "friend" from training. The card was a valentines day card and was signed love your latin beauty. I kinda suspected this friendship because his cell phone bills had been outrageous and he excluded me from this friendship. Before our temporary orders for child support ect, I called him and told him that I didn't want this that I felt this was my only option. He said that he wasn't going to tell me what to do. Then he said that if he had to hire an attorney we would see the divorce be finalized. He was threatening me. So he drove down to the court hearing and we talked that weekend. We were very amicable and we decided to take one day at a time and perhaps restore our marriage. That next weekend I called his cell to find a voicemail from a woman he'd met at the bar. So I lost it. I confronted him and he denied any wrongdoing. I told him it was over and to leave me alone. This lasted about 2 wks. He would call and I'd be indifferent. I had made up my mind that he wasn't who I wanted to be married to. Well, as soon as he figured out that I was moving on (not with another person) just with my life he decided he wanted his family back. He wanted us to move in with him. Before he wanted us to move to the same town, but to live in different residences. So I am literally confused. I love my husband, but am not sure I want the lifestyle he has given me. I was raised in a Christian home with very loving parents. My father doesn't drink and my parents don't swear and I had a very happy childhood. Yes ocassionally my parents fought as in any marriage, but it was never over alcohol, other woman, or dad staying out all night. My H has been trying really hard for 2 wks. I tried really hard for 4 months. He goes out with his friends on the weekends because he has nothing else to do. He won't go to counseling and he won't go to church. So do I go through with the divorce even though it seems he's finally reaching out to me? He has bought our daughter and me flight tickets to fly to his parents this weekend so we can talk. The way I see it, he will pacify me for a few more months and then we'll start this process all over again. I think he wants both lifestyles. Any comments are appreciated. Thanks.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by confusedwithdaughter:<BR><B>Hi. I'm new to this board and I have a lot of questions. So I apologize if this is long. I have been married for 6.5 yrs and we have a daughter. Daughter is 15 mths. My H left for a new career in September. He was in training for 4 months and I thought all was okay. To make a long story short we were going to move to a new city once he was finished training. He came home about once a month during this time. Anyway, when he was home the last time before he began the job, he told me that he loved me but wasn't in love with me. We agreed that he needed time to sort things out in his head and when he was ready our daughter and I would join him. At this point I was emotionally distraught I pursued and begged him to let us move down with him. I think this only pushed him away. I did pack all my things and moved in with him. He was indifferent and I felt like an intruder in his apartment. I know that being apart can cause there to be awkwardness, but this was not comfortable. He put no effort in the move and had nothing to do with storing our things etc. He claimed he couldn't take off work to help us move. After being there 1 week I called my father and asked him to come get me. My father flew down there and we made the drive home together. (About 800 miles). I filed for divorce upon arrival and started the process. While at his place I intercepted a card from his "friend" from training. The card was a valentines day card and was signed love your latin beauty. I kinda suspected this friendship because his cell phone bills had been outrageous and he excluded me from this friendship. Before our temporary orders for child support ect, I called him and told him that I didn't want this that I felt this was my only option. He said that he wasn't going to tell me what to do. Then he said that if he had to hire an attorney we would see the divorce be finalized. He was threatening me. So he drove down to the court hearing and we talked that weekend. We were very amicable and we decided to take one day at a time and perhaps restore our marriage. That next weekend I called his cell to find a voicemail from a woman he'd met at the bar. So I lost it. I confronted him and he denied any wrongdoing. I told him it was over and to leave me alone. This lasted about 2 wks. He would call and I'd be indifferent. I had made up my mind that he wasn't who I wanted to be married to. Well, as soon as he figured out that I was moving on (not with another person) just with my life he decided he wanted his family back. He wanted us to move in with him. Before he wanted us to move to the same town, but to live in different residences. So I am literally confused. I love my husband, but am not sure I want the lifestyle he has given me. I was raised in a Christian home with very loving parents. My father doesn't drink and my parents don't swear and I had a very happy childhood. Yes ocassionally my parents fought as in any marriage, but it was never over alcohol, other woman, or dad staying out all night. My H has been trying really hard for 2 wks. I tried really hard for 4 months. He goes out with his friends on the weekends because he has nothing else to do. He won't go to counseling and he won't go to church. So do I go through with the divorce even though it seems he's finally reaching out to me? He has bought our daughter and me flight tickets to fly to his parents this weekend so we can talk. The way I see it, he will pacify me for a few more months and then we'll start this process all over again. I think he wants both lifestyles. Any comments are appreciated. Thanks.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My question to you would be: DO YOU WANT THE DIVORCE?<P>The fact that you are questioning makes me think that perhaps, if you saw some *permanent* changes in your H, you would try again??<P>If this is the case, DO NOT FILE FOR DIVORCE.<P>It happens so fast, CWD (that's short for your name, which is sooooooo long! ) and before you know it, the divorce is over and you're single again. Once the process begins, esp. if you're in the US, and most especially if you're in a super-easy divorce state like California, it just whizzes by and then one day it's over.<P>Is this what you want?<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

For a long time I didn't want a divorce, but now I am confused. I was scared of raising our daughter alone, but I've already been doing that for 7 months. I can't see any permanent changes in my H. He is unwilling to put any effort into this except for his phone calls. If I were him, I'd rent a uhaul truck, drive down here and pack my stuff and say we're making this work. He seems to play mind games with me. I'm just exhausted of it all. He is asking me to move with him one minute and then giving out his phone number to other woman the next. I am now focused on all the negatives of our relationship. My attorney knew that I didn't want a divorce. He calls me everytime before proceeding any further with the divorce. My H has told his attorney that I want the divorce. What I really believe is that my H was too chicken to say it's over. He made me file and is making me be the bad guy. I don't think he loves me. Two weeks ago I had made up my mind and actually felt peaceful and relieved of all this. But, he kept calling and calling and convinced me to give our marriage one more chance. He wants me to move down there with him again and try again. I guess I'm scared that things will only be worse. He doesn't show any kind of remorse because he's done nothing wrong. He's been unfaithful in the past and we been through this once before. I don't want to waste my life hoping he'll change, because generally people do not change. I guess if there's any chance he's got to be willing to go to counseling and be honest about his affair (whether physical or emotional). I don't see him explaining what happened to me and I don't want to always wonder. My love bank for him is running really low.

Hi again CWD,<P>Okay, let me address some things that you've written... and allow me to explain where *I* am coming from:<P>I am divorced from the man I was married to for 20 years<BR>I was both betrayed (5 times) and betrayer (once)<BR>I gave up too soon, and too easily<BR>I speak from hindsight<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by confusedwithdaughter:<BR><B>For a long time I didn't want a divorce, but now I am confused. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>Until you are SURE, do not go through with a divorce.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>If I were him, I'd rent a uhaul truck, drive down here and pack my stuff and say we're making this work. He seems to play mind games with me. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>Oh dear... this is an expectation, and you can't have ANY of those. My ex and I were the King and Queen of expectations... if you're interested, do a search on me, and my ex (3wishes) and see how it was. I wanted my ex to FIGHT FOR ME, (dammit!) and he WOULDN'T... he must not have loved me, right? I mean, really... all those affairs of his... and then I go out and have one... and of course, I had *reason* because he was such a bad husband... WRONG. I **HAD** to be the one to fight for the marriage because I was the one who was searching for answers!<P>I know it isn't fair!! But you need to look at something very important -- you are HERE, at Marriage Builders, because you are not sure how you feel and you want help to determine the best course of action. That means that YOU will have to do the work, if you want to save your marriage. I know, it sucks, I had to hear this from others when I came, and I had to be the one to do the work.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I'm just exhausted of it all. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>I know, I know... I remember that feeling VERY well...and I am so sorry for your pain! <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>He is asking me to move with him one minute and then giving out his phone number to other woman the next. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>He is CONFUSED and IN A FOG right now. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I am now focused on all the negatives of our relationship.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>That will be your undoing... and how well I understand it!!<BR>You have to -- if you want your marriage -- focus on the positives, on your daughter, and on taking care of YOU... and making your marriage a "safe place" to return to...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>My attorney knew that I didn't want a divorce. He calls me everytime before proceeding any further with the divorce. My H has told his attorney that I want the divorce. What I really believe is that my H was too chicken to say it's over. He made me file and is making me be the bad guy. I don't think he loves me. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>First, if you don't want a divorce, no matter what the attorney thinks, STOP IT.<P>Secondly, it doesn't matter what your H says to his attorney about whether or not you want the divorce.<P>Third, your H didn't make you file. You filed on your own. Take responsibility for that. I don't mean to be rough on you... I did the same thing. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Two weeks ago I had made up my mind and actually felt peaceful and relieved of all this. But, he kept calling and calling and convinced me to give our marriage one more chance. He wants me to move down there with him again and try again. I guess I'm scared that things will only be worse. He doesn't show any kind of remorse because he's done nothing wrong. He's been unfaithful in the past and we been through this once before. I don't want to waste my life hoping he'll change, because generally people do not change. I guess if there's any chance he's got to be willing to go to counseling and be honest about his affair (whether physical or emotional). I don't see him explaining what happened to me and I don't want to always wonder. My love bank for him is running really low. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I so understand about your love bank running low... but I don't hear that as much as you might think. I hear that you love your H and want your marriage back on track.<P>He can't work on the marriage right now... it has to be you... are you up for the challenge or really just too hurt and tired??? And, I do understand, no matter how you answer.<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Okay. I do want my marriage to work. But how do I even begin to trust? I have to stop snooping. My questions drive him away. I have become friends with a mutual friend of ours. This friend knows what has happened. He is an honest and loyal person and doesn't but in or offer advice. We are attracted to each other, but have not stepped over any boundaries. We talk on the phone. He doesn't ask about our situation and he doesn't pressure me to make a decision. He told me last night that he wants this decision to be mine and only mine. I find myself comparing my H to this friend. Not because I want to be married to this friend, but because he has a lot of qualities in him that I like. I am vulnerable emotionally and I know that perhaps I am entering the fog territory myself. This friend of mine told me last night that he doesn't call me as much as he'd like because he's protecting his feelings. He doesn't want to be heartbroken if my H and I were to reconcile. Please don't be hard on me. This friend is simply a friend. We've both agreed to not pursue a relationship because in the end it would destroy our friendship. Besides relationships on the rebound are doomed from the beginning. He knows that I love my H and have tried till I was blue in the face to make things work. I found an email card my H sent OW. He was in his own sick way ending their "friendship". I guess I'm afraid of being hurt again. Our daughter is 15 months and her dad's been gone for the past 7 months, so she's never associated him living with us. Why should I wait until she's 4 to finally stop trying. Wouldn't that be more traumatic?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by confusedwithdaughter:<BR><B>Okay. I do want my marriage to work. But how do I even begin to trust? I have to stop snooping. My questions drive him away. I have become friends with a mutual friend of ours. This friend knows what has happened. He is an honest and loyal person and doesn't but in or offer advice. We are attracted to each other, but have not stepped over any boundaries. We talk on the phone. He doesn't ask about our situation and he doesn't pressure me to make a decision. He told me last night that he wants this decision to be mine and only mine. I find myself comparing my H to this friend. Not because I want to be married to this friend, but because he has a lot of qualities in him that I like. I am vulnerable emotionally and I know that perhaps I am entering the fog territory myself. This friend of mine told me last night that he doesn't call me as much as he'd like because he's protecting his feelings. He doesn't want to be heartbroken if my H and I were to reconcile. Please don't be hard on me. This friend is simply a friend. We've both agreed to not pursue a relationship because in the end it would destroy our friendship. Besides relationships on the rebound are doomed from the beginning. He knows that I love my H and have tried till I was blue in the face to make things work. I found an email card my H sent OW. He was in his own sick way ending their "friendship". I guess I'm afraid of being hurt again. Our daughter is 15 months and her dad's been gone for the past 7 months, so she's never associated him living with us. Why should I wait until she's 4 to finally stop trying. Wouldn't that be more traumatic? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oh god... guess what? You and I are more alike than you may realize <P>Listen... <P>I am divorced, as I told you. I filed for divorce and then did the stupidest thing (considering how vulnerable I was) -- I clung to a new male friend. I fell in love with him, and he fell in love with me. Yeah, we *said* we needed to be careful (vulnerable as we both were at the time) but we still did it... we fell in love. And too soon, we were together. Our divorces are final and we live together. Oh, and yes, I love him dearly...but it doesn't change that the beginnings were not the best.<P>So, that begs the question: Was it worth it?<P>Let me tell you about the last six months? No, better than that, I will go get a thread you can read...<P>I'll be right back...<P>Okay, I'm back... just click here for my story... and click on the link in that thread to see how it was just as my divorce was becomming final. You'll know more about me than you EVER wanted to!! <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002352.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002352.html</A> <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck<BR><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited April 17, 2001).]