Well, just finished taxes tonight. H drops kids off and has to go to Post to mail before deadline. Anyway, we get into it about talking, blah, blah. Told me to act like an adult, he still has interests in this house, we need to do what is best for kids, the ususal.<P>Anyway, after 2 phone call hang ups after he leaves (he calls , we get into it, I hang up) he calls and leaves a message telling me he is going to document every time he tries to talk to me about our situation and I don't talk peacefully. Well, I call him and told him to go ahead and document away. Blah blah, Anyway , the point of interest is the issue of it's over, everyone told me to leave and now things go and get ugly. I said who told you to leave. He said you and I say who else My sister. I said youre right . I, they did tell you to leave. You were having an affair. I am a one man woman and I don't want to share my husband with anyone and that is what I was doing. What did you expect me to say. He know he was a louse.j I said I hope you are happpy with your new life, I am sorry you were so unhappy, I hope you and your shrink can talk about your new life and how it is for the kids. I said I can not agree with how you are living and obviously we have a disagreement on that issue.<P>I also brought up the fact he had previously mentioned that I would never be able to trust him again. I said, well I know 2 people who have been through a terrible time and they trust. Your Parents! I know there situation was different however, infidelity was a part of it for both of them and they are married now 53 years. <P>finally, I said what do you want. Tell me what you want. he didn't answer. I don't think he knows.<P>The reason I feel like a kook is becasue I am trying to let him go and I know I should, he is doing rotten things and I am pissed and all that stuff, BUT, Way down in the bottom of my soul, I think both of us leaving this marriage is a terrible mistake, a waste. Destruction of more than is to be gained for all surrounded.<BR>That thought makes my soul ache. I want to scream and shout at him (I know that tactic doesn't work) why are you giving up so easily. Aren't we worth fighting for. Isn't our newly formed family fighting for. We have been married 13+ years, known each other 20 years, have 3 small kids to raise, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING TO GET OUT THERE THAT YOU DON'T HAVE HERE. If you just put your cards on the table and we work TOGETHER we could succeed, you stupid A$$.<P>He just called and left a message for me that we shouldn't wait this long to file taxes, he has to wait in a long car line. Why are you calling to tell me that, I don't care. But I think it is because he likes to talk to me, somewhere in his heart, he misses me and he still loves me but is lost confused, trapped, messed up, etc. I don't know what his counselor talks to him about, he doesn't tell me. I wish I could be a fly on the wall in the room.<P>I know this is the roller coaster.<P>I have appt with lawyer tomorrow and it will definitely be all down hill from there. It will get ugly. I am afraid because when it gets ugly, then there will be no hope and that will be truly letting go.<P>HOpelessmom

Hopelessmom,<P>just wanted you to know that i was thinking about you.<BR> ((((hugs)))) & prayers

Hopelessmom:<P>Have you actually tried to plan A this man??? I understand that you need to get him to pay your bills and so that is part of your need to file...<P>But do you HAVE to file for divorce in your state to get him to pay support? In NJ, I did. Other states though, I don't know...<P>I'll just say this, hesitantly, because I'm certainly no expert...I don't think you are emotionally ready to file for divorce at all. You haven't let go in the least. And you are furiously angry, and allowing that anger to taint every bit of contact you have with your H.<P>If there WAS a chance to fix your marriage....how could he POSSIBLY see it??? You seem want him back, but you seem to think he'll come back if you humiliate him enough.<P>Even if there is NO other solution to your situation but divorce....you will handle it better if you have accepted that he is who he is and not who you expect him to be and let go. Not let go in anger, or let go in self-protection, but honestly, quietly, without anger...LET HIM GO.<P>Then you can file for divorce and know in your heart that YOU did everything possible to save your marriage.<P>I know exactly where you are at emotionally. Last August I was in your position of feeling forced to file for legal reasons. And I did. My anger was horrible and I was so incredibly torn. I kept telling myself that I was letting go, but I wasn't. I was striking out in revenge, and anger, and using a legitimate reason to file as cover. <P>And for some reason, God gave me a few more months in my marriage so that I was able to actually come to terms with the reality of my marriage. It was a precious gift.<P>Now, as I sit filling out forms for my lawyer and getting the whole thing rolling...I am at peace. Oh I have my moments when I am angry or sad....but I am not in the pit of bitter anger and despair that I was in the first time.<P>The first time was too soon. Now it is right. And the only thing that changed between then and now was me.<P>It doesn't sound to me like your H is completely done with you...it sounds like you are forcefully keeping him away with your anger. <P>When you finally realize that anger won't bring him home, or successfully give you control over your siutation...it may be too late!<P>(((hugs))) BR<BR>

Mom!<P>I've followed your story and I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. <P>You are in my thoughts and prayers<BR>*HUGS*<P>K

Hopemom,<P>I have to agree with BR. I think her post has a lot of wisdom in it. I strongly urge you to see if you can get support ($$$) without the D. Then go from there. If you think that D is throwing away a workable marriage then don't you do it!! Plan B him first and do a good plan B. Allow yourself to let go of him and your anger before you do something you may regret later. <P>I have an Aunt who went through D 4 years ago. She just told me last weekend that after her X filed he asked to come back home and because of her anger and her fear of what others would think she refused. Now she regrets that she did not try and admits that she is still not recovered from the D. She let her anger control her and she is not a happy person for that. <P>BR has posted many times about letting go of your spouse. You need to do this. It is the only way he will ever be able to see what he is losing and if he doesn't then it will allow you to divorce him with dignity so you can move on and have a life full of hope not regrets. I'm sure you would rather have a new screen name of HopefulMom not RegretfulMom.<P>Take Care and remember to breathe!!!

Dear Hope, <P>H is making you angry and then he sometimes acts like he wants back into your life and this upsets you? I know the feeling. The fog does crazy things to people. <P>My H tried to find all kinds of things to use against me. I just kept telling him, if he has a need and can prove that I did something wrong, then go for it. Basically it was just a lot of hot air and he was looking for an excuse to keep in contact. <P>Your H sounds the same. Kind of awkward way of getting your attention. Sounds like when a child acts up just to get attention. What kind of attention do you usually give that child? What kind does that child need when that is the only way they act? Remember that when H tries to interact with you. He may be doing that in an attempt to protect himself from you hurting him, because he may not be able to take the way he has hurt you. Confusing isn't it, then again fog stuff is not meant to be logical. <P>Hang in there, he is coming around. Maybe taking the long way but he is moving a bit. <P>L.

{{{{{hopelessmom}}}}}<P>You are not a kook, and screaming does help a lot! I feel your pain, and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.<P>Griz

Hopeless, <P>Sounds like you and I are at about the same point. I don't believe that any problem that my marriage has can't be fixed. Of course, my wife says that she is so beyond that. We have three beautiful daughters. Why does my wife want to inflict so much pain on them and me? When I'm alone in the car I do scream. VERY LOUD. She wants to argue constantly. I've started argueing with a smile on my face. That really pi$$es her off. Guess, I get a little satisfaction out of that. Plus none of arguements have escelated to high since I started doing that. We plan on mediation with no lawyers. ha ha. I went and saw a lawyer last week to find out about my rights. I know that once she finds out that I won't be her sugar daddy that we going to court and it will be ugly.<P>Hang in there. Make sure that you take care of yourself and smile.<P>God Speed.<P>Love, Bill

Bill;<P>I tried the smiling tactic also. he says I am sinister then. He doesn't seem to get it. I am hurt, I am not going to just get over it, it does effect the kids. he doesn't like whatever I do. Don't laugh, cry, yell, smile, etc. I know he feels bad but not bad enough, not yet. I keep praying for God to help him. and me too, and the kids.<P>As I wrote to Bramblerose, I don't accept the a, I do believe I have forgiven it. what angers me, is the not willingness to try TOGETHER now that all the cards are onl the table. He is on his second affair. His affairs were not totally about me not meeting his needs. That is why I feel that he is confused.<P>Hopelessmom

Mom,<P> How about if you come here to vent instead of screaming at him. When my H was in the fog, I did not even raise my voice!! I did plan A, and I did not even know what it was.<P> I made a lot of mistakes, but I had no clue at the time. I only found this site in Nov of last year, and we were in real recovery then. I found it (thanks to God!) because I thought I was going crazy. I have learned so much about A's here. <P> I also did a Plan B, and did not know what it was. But H did take me very seriously. We have gotton better ever since. <P> Recovery is tough. I am still learning from the good people here. I did pray for my h while he was in the "fog'. I also prayed that I would be able to let him go, if I needed to. Thank you God, I did not have to!! I have a problem with listening to Satan myself. I need to let it go.<P> Many Prayers and Hugs, wonderful mom.<P>------------------<BR>Deb

I am so sorry that I have not read all of your posts and I do not know all of your background so if I suggest something that has already been said, I'm sorry. I agree with you. I don't think your marriage is over. I also understand how frustrating it is to get so angry over something you can't control (your husband). That, coming from a person that struggles with not being controlling herself every day. Maybe you've tried this, but can you sit down with your husband with no kids around and tell him how much you love and him and feel that your children, you and him deserve another chance at making it work?? Tell him that you can't control him, his feelings or his personality but that you CAN control yours and you plan on giving it 110%.