Well, this will probably bite me in the b*tt, but I am actually starting to believe I have a future. Can you believe it!? (I'll probably be on here next week, falling apart....oh well, that darn rollercoaster...)<P>I had to drive to Hilo (35 miles away from home) yesterday to get my three kitties "fixed." During the drive, a thought came to me which was kinda weird, but made me kinda, sorta, just a teensy-bit, excited. <P><B>I have a chance to re-evaluate MY life too (not just knuckel-head) and do anything differently that I want. I can have a do-over.</B><P>No, I didn't WANT that chance, but I have it none-the-less, handed to me on a plate of pain and sorrow. It was hard...very hard....to swallow all that pain (I'm still chewing on some of it...), but I now have a do-over.<P>And while I really like my life...really love my job....love where I live....my friends...etc. I get to:<P>* Make all future decisions myself<BR>* Learn from the sorrow that God is ALWAYS with me, even when I don't feel Him<BR>* Make new choices<BR>* Eat pancakes for dinner if I want<BR>* Be smarter the next time around<BR>* Decide if there WILL BE a next time around<BR>* Exercise in the middle of the night<BR>* Walk around the house as much as I want and not worry if I'm making noise<P>I even went shopping (a miracle for me) and bought a new swimsuit that looks darn good on me (and I DON'T have a body to kill for...yet...YET!. In fact, the other day I was laying on the beach and a group of Greenpeacers started rolling me in the water yelling, "Save the whale!" HA...my Louie Anderson joke...) Anyway, it felt kinda good to know that I can just do my own thing and enjoy who I am. <P>I still have big bouts of low self-esteem (brought on by all this) and some days feel I still feel like I'm a wrinkled, baggy-eyed shadow of who I used to be. But I'm starting to remember the me who used to be me. The fun-loving, funny, outdoorsy, quiet, spiritual, sunny person I've always been.<P>Has anyone seen the movie "Shirley Valentine?" There's a song in that movie about the "girl who used to be me"....That's what I feel like. I'm starting to remember and in so doing, I see that life isn't over yet. I'm no spring chicken anymore and I have more aches and pains than I care to admit, but I'm only 44 for God's sake! And in my head, I'm still 24! I still have some GOOD life left in me and if stupid-head doesn't want to share it, that's HIS loss!!<P>Okay, I'm done now. Thanks for listening. I really thank the Harley's and this site for showing me a better way to relate...not just to a spouse, but to anyone. I do feel like a better person for having found this site. And while it didn't turn out like I had hoped for, it DID turn out. I'm still kickin'!!<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

I realize that this is from a different perspective, but this is one of the many terrible aspects of divorce. A man who is now not only a complete stranger, but who hates me, can now in large measure limit:<P>where I live<BR>how long and where I can go on vacation <BR>how I educate the kids<BR>what extracurricular activities/camps they can participate in<BR>and to some extent how I parent them<P>and he can do anything he d*** well pleases. He doesn't have to even work, as long as he pays a very minimal amount of child support. He doesn't have to see his kids, have any responsibility for them, be there for them in emergencies, anything - yet if he decides he wants to see them, he gets to on 48 hours notice or less.<P>

Whoa Nellie (if you will pardon the pun), can I relate to that one.<P>My stbx has never taken any interest in our son's education. When she was here, never helped him with his homework, never went to parent teacher conferences. The one time since we separated that I asked her to help him with his homework it came back undone.<P>Now she tells me that she is going to go to the mother-son function at his school. And I have to sit back, bite my tongue (however you spell that d**n word) and let her.<P>Just burns my tochas!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mrs.O:<BR><B>Well, this will probably bite me in the b*tt, but I am actually starting to believe I have a future. Can you believe it!? (I'll probably be on here next week, falling apart....oh well, that darn rollercoaster...)<P>I had to drive to Hilo (35 miles away from home) yesterday to get my three kitties "fixed." During the drive, a thought came to me which was kinda weird, but made me kinda, sorta, just a teensy-bit, excited. <P>I have a chance to re-evaluate MY life too (not just knuckel-head) and do anything differently that I want. I can have a do-over.</B><P>No, I didn't WANT that chance, but I have it none-the-less, handed to me on a plate of pain and sorrow. It was hard...very hard....to swallow all that pain (I'm still chewing on some of it...), but I now have a do-over.<P>And while I really like my life...really love my job....love where I live....my friends...etc. I get to:<P>* Make all future decisions myself<BR>* Learn from the sorrow that God is ALWAYS with me, even when I don't feel Him<BR>* Make new choices<BR>* Eat pancakes for dinner if I want<BR>* Be smarter the next time around<BR>* Decide if there WILL BE a next time around<BR>* Exercise in the middle of the night<BR>* Walk around the house as much as I want and not worry if I'm making noise<P>I even went shopping (a miracle for me) and bought a new swimsuit that looks darn good on me (and I DON'T have a body to kill for...yet...YET!. In fact, the other day I was laying on the beach and a group of Greenpeacers started rolling me in the water yelling, "Save the whale!" HA...my Louie Anderson joke...) Anyway, it felt kinda good to know that I can just do my own thing and enjoy who I am. <P>I still have big bouts of low self-esteem (brought on by all this) and some days feel I still feel like I'm a wrinkled, baggy-eyed shadow of who I used to be. But I'm starting to remember the me who used to be me. The fun-loving, funny, outdoorsy, quiet, spiritual, sunny person I've always been.<P>Has anyone seen the movie "Shirley Valentine?" There's a song in that movie about the "girl who used to be me"....That's what I feel like. I'm starting to remember and in so doing, I see that life isn't over yet. I'm no spring chicken anymore and I have more aches and pains than I care to admit, but I'm only 44 for God's sake! And in my head, I'm still 24! I still have some GOOD life left in me and if stupid-head doesn't want to share it, that's HIS loss!!<P>Okay, I'm done now. Thanks for listening. I really thank the Harley's and this site for showing me a better way to relate...not just to a spouse, but to anyone. I do feel like a better person for having found this site. And while it didn't turn out like I had hoped for, it DID turn out. I'm still kickin'!!<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><P>------------------<BR>Displaced

Along the same line, I was driving along one day, feeling sorry for myself because of my situation, and hating men in general, and then I thought, wait a minute, why does is this necessarily have to be a negative thing? The person I am today, stronger, hopefully wiser, kinder, is due to the men I have been involved with. Obviously, I fell in love with them for a reason so there were good traits in them. I should feel blessed for having them be a part of my life. They were put in my life for a reason. So, I'm trying to look on the bright side, along with everything else you mentioned, Ms. O! <P>------------------<BR>Displaced

Yep pretty cool. My line for that happy, happy feeling is woooahhh never seen that one coming. Yeah hard to believe that down here in all of this pain, the sun still shines on us, probably always did - but very difficult to see from a knocked to the ground viewpoint. Just wanted to say I'm happy to right now in spite of... Oh we don't even need to go there now do we? Yeah it may be a roller coaster, but what goes down usually goes back up on it to. <P>You are OK by me Mrs.O & heres hoping & I will also be praying that you stay that way too for a long, long time.<P>God Bless & May the Son always shine on You & keep You Warm,<P>Tim<BR>

Dear Mrs. O,<P>Hey pancakes anytime? Sounds like a trip to Ken's House of Pancakes? My favorite breakfast place when I go to visit my parents. <P>You talked about some of the good things that happen. You know all that loneliness I was dreading? Yea, a bit at first, then I have been busy with my son, taking care of house stuff, relatives have been keeping me busy. Even been turning down a few offers out. Work always keeps me busy. And of course, visiting here. <P>You know, no one telling me when to go to bed. Used to dread that at home when I was growing up. H used to say that all the time. Nighttime was when I caught up on stuff and the last hour of the night was always my time to unwind. H used to get a bit jealous most of the time he was sleeping anyway. <P>The luxury of coming and going when I wanted. Putting things away and them staying put away. Wow big plus. <P>So life does not end when H leaves. Sometimes it gets more organized. but then, they call and say they want to come home. Hmmm.....<P>Anyway, it is good to hear from you. <P>Aloha,<BR>L.

Mrs. O<P>I'm glad your feeling better. I'll admit that I don't have to cook as much anymore, if me and the kids want take out, we do it. The house is a lot neater too. I can make my future any way I want it to be, and I know that I am basically the only one responsible for my 3 angels. I can say that this past year and a half, I still own my house, which I bought before H anyhow, I still have my car (which is 450 a month, thats hard), and I'm only backed up a little bit in my bills. I have survived on my own, with no help from no one and its not easy when your self employed.<P>I guess my fantasy is still to find someone special who I can share my life with. Someone who wouldn't mind eating pancakes with me for dinner, and also someone who will give me some freedom to go out with the girls or be my own person. I think I have that person in my life now, but its still too soon to tell. I won't lie though, I do miss being married .<P>Your doing a great job hang in there,<BR>Dana<BR>

Mrs. O,<P>Isn't it great?<BR>Realizing that you can be 'you' again?<BR>Realizing that you can do those things that you haven't allowed yourself to even think of doing because HE wouldn't approve of it?<P>I finally got to the point where I was *really* at him. I didn't like it. I didn't like being mad. So I prayed, and I'm still praying ---- help me to take away the anger, help me to move past it. And it's working.<P>I've gotten to the point where I'm starting to pay attention to me again. <BR>- I DID buy a new swimsuit. My 3 year old daughter picked it out even! Modest construction, but with one of those sheer tops that shows the cleavage.<BR>- After reading about the shaving and waxing stories on the Recovery forum, I went ahead and tried cold waxing and the Nad's. Goodbye to the little mustache and the hairs growing around my scar! Goodbye hairy legs and always shaving. Next to go will be the underarms and I'll even do the bikini thing.<BR>- Manicure and Pedicure.<BR>- New shoes.<BR>- Temporary tattoo, for some fun.<BR>- Doing more mother-daughter things --- gardening, washing the car, seasonal decorations, beauty-stuff, etc.<BR>- Renting 'girl' movies.<P>Just simply indulging myself every once in a while. <BR>My family is going to do a 'girl's weekend'.<P>My stbx has our daughter on Wed. nights and every-other weekend right now. Why shouldn't I use those nights to do something for myself? Who's going to stop me? Him? <P>I surprised myself this morning listening to the radio. They were playing the sad, lost-love songs --- and there I was, just singing along. They weren't affecting me like they used to do!<P>I was cuddling with my daughter before her bedtime last night, and my thoughts were that life felt good. Things are calmer, I'm happier, and I'm more relaxed than when the stbx was around. Sure, I miss him. Sure, if he decides that he does want to work on the relationship, I'll give it a go. But I'm getting to where I feel like I CAN do this on my own.<P>And it's just too bad that he won't be a part of it. That was his choice, and he's going to have to live with his decision.<P>I'm going to continue my life.<P>~Amy

Hey guys...thanks for the replys. Yeh, there are definately down sides to being separated/divorced. I don't have kids, so I don't think the "run-ins" with my STBXH will be all that involved, thanks goodness. However, I still do need his paycheck to help pay the mortgage....the one last thing I haven't figured out how to take on myself. Everything else I've figured out myself how to take care of.<P>As I was driving into work today (another 23 miles in the opposite direction!), the DJ's were talking about something and they used the phrase "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I guess that's about where I am.<P>Orchid - Ken's House of Pancakes is one of my favorites too. I always take my mainland friends there during their visits. It's a dive, but the pancakes are the best!<P>DanaB - I too still desire to have that one other special person in my life - I still don't believe (yet) that there are very many good men left (all married)...except the great ones on this board. I live in such a remote area and in my work (graphic design), I don't meet very many people as I work alone. I would love to meet someone who held the same values/beliefs as I, but I also have to be happy with myself in case that doesn't happen. I don't NEED a man to make me happy; I do DESIRE a man to share my life with however. I do miss that.<P>Well, have a great day everyone....I just got to work so I better get my rear in gear!<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

I have found that I like being single. In fact more and more everyday. I am my own boss now. I pay the bills the way I want to. I buy what I want when I want. I go where I please when I please. I am the ruler of my own TV remote!!! <P>This past weekend I put in a new kitchen floor by myself. I changed my own oil in my car ect. I have found out just how independant a person I am and I like it! I have three teenagers who are wonderful and we have really been having some happy times together. The family is still there, my EH never was really into family things ect so to tell you the truth he really isn't missed to much. Granted I'm kind of bitter towards him this week but thats another story. I am happy though. Spring is here and I can get the garden planted, soon it will be time to start camping ect. I learned that just because you get divorced the world doesn't have to end. I'm only 36 and feel I missed out alot in the last 17 years and I'll be damned if I miss out on anymore.<P>JIll

Mrs.O,<P>Hawaii...somehow just thinking of the place gives me peace...I loved my vacation there - I can see how it would be a source of comfort.<P>I am at separation + 8 months...divorce final as soon as we can get the judge's ruling on child support. My counselor keeps telling me this phrase..."your stbx's loss is your gain how?" and makes me try to fill in the blank. I haven't come up with many answers yet...but I'm working on it. Time....this healing process is soooooo sloooowwww.<P>Maybe I'll just park myself on a beach somewhere this summer and get one of those little "umbrella" drinks and contemplate life...(while keeping one eye out for the hunks on the surfboards) <P>Lisa

<BR>Jill mentioned that her H was never really into family things. I guess that is one of the things I miss most. Until my H's depression, we did a lot of things as a family, including farming together. My H lost out on a job once because he was so honest about the fact that spending time with his family was of paramount importance to him. When my H was building something outside, which was often, he always wanted me there to keep him company even when there wasn't much for me to do to help. <P>It always seemed to me that we saw eye to eye on most of our major goals and values, on our child rearing philosophies, etc. People keep talking about how they "found themselves" again - but I never felt lost in the first place. Now, I have to worry about not only whether the new person who has replaced my H will approve of my choices when they involve the kids, whether he will try to prevent me from making those choices, etc. We used to be on the same team - now he seems to want to be on the opposing team, and to make up the rules of the game on the fly.

Ms. O!!!!<P>You go girl!!!. I am living proof that there is life after D. Things couldn't be better for me. I almost feel bad for Valerie, [ALMOST] she settled for second best. <P>I am a 13 year old stuck in a 40 year old body. You are only as old as you feel, aahhhhhh, I feel so good, oops, sorry, got off track there for a sec.<P>I just bought new cell phones for the crews and we have been playing with the text messaging thing. Had some really good laughs today. Boys with their toys. Geez, just got another funny message.<P>When I was in reconsile mode, I could only think of the "good" times. Now I see the entire picture and don't really know why I ever wanted her back. She wanted to be so controlling of my behavior. Put a conflict avoider personality on top of that and life sucked for me.<P>You are the best. Hey, move the mic stand out of the way so we can see you. [Louie, as well]<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Zippy<P>

Mrs O,<P>One of the things that opened my "eyes" to the I can do things without his approval and I can do things without him<BR>around and I have a right to live a life..was when my 8 year old was to be baptised..and she was trying to schedule it around her dad being in town..and he kept changing the dates..and I'd asked her one day if she wanted to reschedule it again because her dad wasn't going to be here, and she just looked at me and said.."Mom, if I have to keep waiting on dad to be around then I'll never do it, so no, I don't want to reschedule it again" and I got to thinking about my own life, and how I have always waited on him to be around to do things..and so life was just passing me by..while I sat home every day and night w/ my kids..I started back to college something I'd wanted to do for a long time..I started going out w/ friends occassionally..and got the kids<BR>involved with things that they wanted to do..and met the parents of their activities..and my now stbxh decided that because I was living life (without him here) that I wanted to be single..no, I just got tired of waiting on him to be here to do things w/ us..before we did them..like taking that drive to the beach on a saturday and deciding to stay the night...that I started living MY LIFE and allowing my kids to actually have fun in theirs and not wait for dad to be there till we did something fun..and since I started doing things like that..he's got it in his head that I want to be single..so he's filing for divorce...