I nadvance excuse the typo's, fast and quick here:<P>The letter he wrote me after he went on tour, right after my affair.<P>Thers so muchexcitement bottled up inside just thinking about being with you this weekend (he flew home for a 2 day visit). I wish I could be there now or just out of here already. Its now the end of the day we are on break and I am totally numb and wish I could lay next to you all day long. Do you have any advice for me? I feel like my heart is missing. I feel empty inside. Ive given you all of me and now I dont know where I satand. What have you done with my love and where will you take it. To the heavens or to waste. My love is real and beautiful its all or nothing. Love me so.<P>Eight more weeks, that actually dosnt seem too long considering the state of my heart, it could be nerve wracking or heart breaking to me. O would like to be sitting next to you drinking coffee over this conversation.<P>To make this as plain as possible. I'm lost. Your emotions have had me on a roller coaster ride. And my realtion to the Lord as well. I had a revelation from God that he never left me and he will accept back and have more love than ever for me. The specific condition was that the problem I didnt deal with thenis what I must face to over come my fall. Well here is something I never told you, I wanted you more and wanted better for you, so I didnt trust in Him and that was prob due to the influence of some of the other people in the churchs struggles and finance prob's that I didnt want to happen to me. So now I feel like OK! I've got a gripAnd a good balance to know when to seperate my spiritual walk and my resposibiilites to myself and my family. And then I hear a sermon like how mant sinner friends do you have cause you need them too and dont just look at them like they are siiners, and so on. <P>When I hear a comment like a backslider is worse than a sinnerlike someone who returns to their vomit. OK! Whatever maybe I shouldnt worry so much about this just about God sees in me now. Then I wonder..In short I dont know what I am living for. Let me think throught this. I start alist. Love. Do I love you? Yes I love the Lord for what he has done(creation, forgiveness,my wife , friendship, intimacy, and family for the need to belong)<P>Am I loved? By the Lord, I believe yes although I feel unworthy, a traitor a backslider. I used to be filled with the Holy Spirit. By my wife? I feel "cared for" appreciated. But loved unconditionally for who I am, no. I was sent to Korea and you were not there. you have more control on me than you know. Cause since I felt like I lost your love I dont want to love again..I've hurt llike I never thought or expected. Ive thought of running away from every person in my life, siucides no good cause then I will never have peace I will have not given time to the Lordto help me understand all this. Its really hard for me to tell you. alot of things I think and feel cause Im afraid youll be angry with me if I tell you how I feel so ugly by the way you have mistreated me and our marraige.<P>Im not a very smart person too simple and Ive acted late on sitiations. Ive lost and winning gaining doesnt impress me. So we reap what we sow Im really blindcause Ive been living my life for the Lord, I used to until only recently again, for you, my beautiful babies, my mom long ago. Never been a selfish person. I make one mistake and my wife wants to leave me and doent know me .. My children call me Steve (OM name) I wont even ask myself if there is hope that is something I strived on before life ran me over.<P>I need a change of heart and you say thats what I havecoming from you. that gives me hope only every night I go to slepp thinking Ill be hurt again I dont know what I would do.<P>If you are real and have meant all that you said aboutloving me. Im empty until you fill my heart. Only Im not so sure I want to give you the oppurtunity to screw with my mind again. I still cant figure out what Ive done to deserve all this.<P>If life was not so complicated and emotions not so real. If this were as easy as a gameof cards I would fold. At this point ive suffered and lost alot. All I want from life are the simple things. Purity, innocence, love friendship.<P>Do you remember me? I used to tell ypu how much I couldnt wait until we were marriedand live together, cause all I want to do is hold you in my arms and make love to you every night. How much I adore you and all I can think about is your you, your eyes, hair, lips, pretty smile, face. Your scent and how we kissed for so long...<P>So in love filled with joy every time we touched. For years how much I valued the romantic purity of our love.<P>Wheres that passion? How is it that 9 years later I feel so insecure and empty.? Being away has much to do with my emotions. Well my passion is a vision of you during this time of lonliness. So I know where my hear tis and thats with you. Help me to figure out what happened to us. Tell me that all you want in life is my love. Ive got enought to last a life time.<P>Life is not long enough for me to give you all that I have so I'll share every breath of love within me for you. I will not situation and past heartbreak hold me down . I want to pick up my first prioroty and focus on the day we wed.<P>This is somthing to ponder. Im in love and the more I love the more I hurt. I dont know how to accept the changes you are going through while Im away. they aer too drastic and I feel that Ive lost you (me wantinga sep. due to guilt)<P>Its hard to believ you love me more and more. insecure I am and I feel that I have no pride in myself. Blinded by love and emotions and picking up my hear tand and cleaning itoff and giving it to you three times.<P>Its time for me to stop being so emotional and pathetic. I want you to have the life you want and leave me. If you really do love me its time you stop being so cold and show me some tenderness cause I am hurting so badly as I write this.<P>Im going to harden my heart anytime now my throat feels so tight and I lied on the phone..Im drained from crying. my heart out.This will never go away. Stop I wish it would. Im love sick w/o a cure from you.<P>Its nice being able to talk to you if only we could afford that bill it wouldnt be so bad. It would be nice to not talk on the phone cause I would be near you. Theres been a major change in my character and it may only be a shell that I am wearing to hide my fears and my hurt. only my loss of control over this change. It exists and I cant quite say that I am aware of why its there., in fact I feel that its just the opposite and I feel thats what happened to youas well only influences can adjust opinions. We need to first find where we began. Our first love and inspiration..<P>If I feel later that youve based your opinions on our realtion by your need to impress othersId feel like I am not important to you. That wouldnt be fair..the love I have for you(pure heart and soul). Remember what Ive always told you, that you only cheat your self when you have an affair. Well I never realized how much the other person hurts too so that htey do feel cheated, cause I never expected any of this. Well soon Ill be home and we can talk about it then so soon I'll put these thoughts away and wont waste another day, breath or drop of ink on it.<P>Time sure drags when you are in love( that is true love). So youve ebeen keeping yourself busy with the girls. I keep thinking about home, and theres no place that comes to mind..What happened to my values?<P>Communication is our strength throught this period at least mine to keep from being irrational and need less to say we need to maintain a better communication then ever before. Dara let me hear more from you. I am slowly dying inside. I want my innocence back. I used to love the purity I felt in my heart. I just fell in love with you again. <P>Love,<BR>Your husband

Dara,<P>There are many clues in this letter. Read it carefully, he tells you what he is feeling, how he would like to protect himself, but cannot. Many things. I suspect that the man who wrote that letter still lives with you, but he has found a way to wall himself up so he won't be hurt again.<P>Start to consider how to slowly, brick by brick to help him take that wall down. It is done with actions, little actions Dara.<P>Please think about this.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Dara, oh Dara,<P>Your H loves you!<P>Please, please, go read His Needs, Her Needs. Impliment Plan A... love your H back into your heart, and show him the wife you are meant to be by taking care of as many Emotional Needs of HIS that you can.<P>Your marriage is SO WORTH IT, and SO CLOSE to be SAVED!<P>He loves you Dara... and there are so many who cannot claim that about their spouses at this moment... you are so blessed and have such an opportunity for growth. <P>I wish you peace in your heart...<P>You can do this!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

sheryl,<P>Just a word of caution. This letter was written by Dara's H while he was overseas and she was seeking a separation. It was awhile ago. I do think however, that his current actions and statements when looked within the context of this letter, does give her some clues in how and why things are the way they are. Further, the offer some ideas in how to get back what has been misplaced.<P>JL

Hi JL,<P>Oh, I agree.<P>All I see is a couple (both of them) who love each other but don't know how to get "back there"...<P>I've been here too much lately, I think. Getting too involved... I just want to HELP, ya know? (I know you do, by the way - rhetorical question).<P>Sheryl