I can't believe it. Yesterday, I probably posted 4 times that I was just about ready to quit. Last night after much argueing my stbxw and I went for a walk. Things were said that made me question my choice on giving in. I had one foot off of the roller coaster and now I'm sitting right back in the front seat. I am so tired of this ride. I have no energy left, I'm out of emotional strength, I've lost 47 pounds, and today we have counseling. Our counseling so far has pretty much been a joke. Why do I want this woman so d&mn bad? I deserve more than she can offer. Her problems are so deep. She can't even begin to face them or even believe that some of them exist.<P>This really sucks. <P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

I am on the coaster with you. 2 steps forward, 1 back, sometimes 3 back. and on and on.<P>It absolutely sucks and I can't tell you how to stop it. At one point, few months ago, I decided for a week, I wasn't going to think about it at all or take any action. I needed a rest. I needed a big distraction. Found a few and then started thinking again.<P>I know losing weight is not ideal but I'll take 25 of your pounds. LOL<P>I am at the pjoint of Plan A, Plan B, divorce, not divorcing, blah blah. The roller coaster doesn't stop until you can make a decision, stick to it, and go on. It probably will never end but get samller and smaller. (at least I hope)<P>Hugs and prayers,<BR>Hopelessmom

Hopeless,<P>I don't have 25 to give you. I am 6' tall and was at 207lbs and now a trim 160. If I give you 25 this Kansas wind will blow me away. Hope you have a good day. I'm going to try.<P>How was lawyer meeting yesterday?<P>Love, Bill<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

I am soooooooooooo mad and sad. Last night my wife and I had an arguement. After the arguement we went for a walk and shared each others feelings, I thought we really connected. No I didn't think we had solved anything but I saw just a glimmer of doubt.<P>I just got back from our marriage counselling and I'm so mad I could just spit. I showed up early and went into the chapel and prayed and cried and cried. Well she comes in like nothing is different. I'm still the worst man on the face of the earth. Then I brought up something she said last night and she just lied her way out of it. SHE IS THE MEANIST COLDEST HEARTED B$%CH IN THE WORLD.<P>So why the hell do I love her so much? <P>Well after she left counselling the cousellor and I decided that I should spend some time not showing her any love. Act like I don't care. Tough Love. Do some things that are out of character for me. I agree. Basically a plan B while we are still living together. <P>Anybody got any words of encouragement?<P>I could use them.<P>Love, Bill<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

Bill,<P>I can't explain it, but when your trying so hard to save something, it becomes almost an obsession. Well it was for me. I wanted him SO badly. Then when I started to give up and move on, I saw things from a different angle when I wasn't "tangled" in the middle of it. I saw him for a different person that I didn't know. I will always love him from the "old days" even though I've said on the board that I don't love him anymore, actually I realized that I guess I do in some strange way. Its not a good feeling though. <P>Now he is engaged to marry OW. I went thru a hard time when I heard that. I was very jealous that HE got to go on in his happy little life, and OW was getting married, and not me! I miss being married, I loved it. I'm not saying it was easy, but I am definetly a little upset that "they" go on to live their little fantasy and I also take 1 step forward and then one back in my new relationship.<P>There are days that I still have where I could scream over him. Especially when we went to counseling for the kids, and he was so open and honest with the counselor, yet I never saw him that way for years.<P>I wish I had the answer for you but I don't. You either move forward and really commit to the marriage, or eventually, you seperate your lives and try to move on (not saying to another person, but move past this misery). Staying stuck in the middle is too hard.<P>Good luck, hugs, Dana<BR>

Hi Bill,<P>I'm on that rollercoaster too. I'm very hopeful that I never have to get off of it and over time i can just wear the tracks down to where they are smooth.<P>The tought love route is going to be very hard especialy if you are still living together. I did this for about two days before I just had to give in. We aren't as far into this as you are, but my W still isn't sure where she wants to be. She can't have or be with the OM, but she doesn't want me either. I'm peplexed as to why, but that is another story. <P>My best advice for you is to give her a kiss and a hug if you are allowed to and tell yourself this is the last time for both. I did this once to my wife three weeks ago, and even though I didn't say it was the last, she knew at the time it was. She tried to stay away from me for about 24 hours and I did the same, in the end she just needed someone to be there for her and give her a hug. She came to me, but it really didn't make much impact in the long run. I felt like if I wasn't there for her right then and there, she might make contact again. I weighed it as fast as i could, but I gave in. If you try this, let me offer some advice:<P>Try to have other activities lined up. Even if you can't get out of the house, do something time consuming. Something that may last until after she goes to bed.<P>Get out of the house if possible and do something. If she is out of sight, you have a better chance of keeping her out of your mind. <P>Don't be real obvious about your plan. If she knows something is up, you plan has failed already. <P>Don't be mean, just yourself and keep it nice. I know that there is a fine line. Keep things like normal, but just have less of it.<P>Be careful. When I'm around my W, I seem to melt a little. It is hard for me to give her the cold shoulder even after all the pain she has caused. <P>Good luck Bill, I'll be praying for you.<P>Rob

The rollercoaster is unbearable. Tears, obssession, limbo, no energy for my children or my job. I'm trying to follow all of the great advice all of you have given, but in the end, I just want a chance to save my marriage. Everyday I decide to set the marriage aside and concentrate on me and my children, but there are so many triggers that bring me back to the misery that is my life. I wish all of you the best in your situations. Mine is just so hopeless.<BR>Exxon <p>[This message has been edited by Exxon (edited April 20, 2001).]

Feeling a little better today. Got my smile painted on and my attitude temporarily adjusted. The counsellor told us that we should sleep seperately after my stbxw encouraged the subject. So I told that I am not moving out of my bed. She agreed she would sleep on the couch. Well last night she said "Do I really need to sleep on the couch?" or is it OK if I sleep with you. I wanted to say get you butt on the couch. But melting me said "That's fine I'm not planning on touching you anyway". For the past twelve years I have held her until she falls asleep and that is the only contact that she has said that she really will miss. I stuck to my guns and didn't touch her. She tossed and turned and tossed and turned, then I felt her foot coming over to my side of the bed. Once it touched me, I got out of bed and played on the computer.<P>Small victory for the home team.<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

?'s about tough love since we are living together.<P>I know that I should always act happy, be busy with stuff around the house, and spend time on me outside the house but here are a couple of ?'s.<P>1. Should I initiate any conversation (i.e. How was you day?)? - I assume the answer is no.<P>2. When she initiates conversation should I just be short sweet and to the point or more open?<P>3. If she iniates sex, should I go along with it?<P>I guess the over all question is how far do I take it? I presume that I shouldn't be cruel but I don't know.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

Exxon<BR>are you considering divorce? <BR>Hang in there girl... read some of the threads about infidelity and you might find out that the fog does lift... just like you said,,, the OW is not contacting him... give it a chance...<BR>C1

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Exxon<BR>are you considering divorce? <BR>Hang in there girl... C1</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>OOOOPPPPPS! I think you posted this under the wrong thread. My name's not exxon and last time I checked I was a boy.<P>Actually, thank you for the laugh.<P>Bill<P>

No I didnt post under the wrong thread...I was surprised to see one of the Junior members on this thread and I was simply asking her if she was heading that way... sorry to have intruded on your thread,,, her answer caught my eye...<BR>glad I made you smile tho dear

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>No I didnt post under the wrong thread...I was surprised to see one of the Junior members on this thread and I was simply asking her if she was heading that way... sorry to have intruded on your thread,,, her answer caught my eye...<BR>glad I made you smile tho dear </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No intrusion. My mind is so screwed up right now that I couldn't put 2 and 2 together. Hope I didn't sound rude. My brain is only programmed to go 100mph and it's working at about 400mph.<P>Signed: DUH!<P><P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

I'm here C1 and no I'm not even close to divorce. Hubby may be but I'm not! I'm going to hang in. I came to this board beause of the roller coaster I'm on. I have the same questions as LostHusband and I need answers quick. I'm doing something wrong with hubby and I want to adjust my game plan before I go home tonight. Something has got to give. <BR>LostHusband:<BR>I wish I had the nerve to ask him to sleep in the guestroom or move in there myself. I have been secretly freshening the sheets, I bought a clock radio with ocean sounds, placed candles on the night stand. Like you it's very hard for me to lay next to the person I love and not touch. Pretending I don't care makes it even worse.<BR>Take care<BR>Exxon

Exxon,<P>I here's a little humor in the terrible situation. A couple of weeks ago I bought like 30 candles. Had our room all lighted up and a perfect mood set with some music. STBXW comes home, walks into our room and sits down to talk for a while. I am leeking testosterone from my ears, so in the mood. Well allergy attack hits wife, she drugs up and goes to bed.<P>Kinda humorous, but really sad. <P>You have to be strong dear. I can say that but it is hard as hell to do. Make a plan and stick to it. Once you notice changes do not go back to old self. Stick to your guns for a long while. I'll let you know how it works.<P>BTW I go to sleep at night holding my arm so it won't hold her and that hurts.<P>Hang in there and take care of yourself.<P>Love, Bill<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LostHusband:<BR><B>?'s about tough love since we are living together.<P>I know that I should always act happy, be busy with stuff around the house, and spend time on me outside the house but here are a couple of ?'s.<P>1. Should I initiate any conversation (i.e. How was you day?)? - I assume the answer is no.<P>2. When she initiates conversation should I just be short sweet and to the point or more open?<P>3. If she iniates sex, should I go along with it?<P>I guess the over all question is how far do I take it? I presume that I shouldn't be cruel but I don't know.<P>Bill<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>NONONONONO!! Dont assume you shouldnt be cruel. KNOW that you shouldnt be cruel.<P>Notice how each question starts with the word "initiate."<P>Dont push her away. IF SHE initiates, then play along. <P>Love her.<P>Dont do any initiating your self.<P>If you do, it will probably end up with her hurting you and pushing you away. Then if she actually gives you hope, you might end up like me wondering about it, and feeling consumed with it. And surely she may smash that hope like my H does.<P>It will mean so much more to you if you let her initiate.<BR>Note: **Let her**<P>She cant if she feels you are pushing.<P>Dara<P>

Dara,<P>Thank you. You know it is so easy to be cruel when you are feeling such intense pain. The last week has been full of anger. I'm committing myself to not being cruel, not initiating ANYTHING, and just go with the flow.<P>Easy enough to type but something tells me IT IS REALLY GOING TO SUCK!!!!!!<P>Thanks, Bill<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

Bill:<BR>Thanks for the attempt at humor. It made me cry...just kidding. Any advice for me as he squeezes his pillow every night wishing it was her? This has been going on for two months. I just want to slip under his arms and let him squeeze me...but it's her he wants. The nights are so long and lonely in bed with him. Maybe the guestroom is the place for me. But that would be an LB for him...throwing my sadness in his face right? Maybe I just figured out why this week has been so hard. It's the first one where I have actually done Plan A faithfully. NO LB's, all smiles, light conversation, no tears, pleasant..good wife. I wonder if that's what he really wants. He doesn't know what he wants, but he seems to be content this week. Is that how it goes, he's content, while I fall apart out of his sight? I'VE DONE THIS FOR 7 DAYS!!!!! How can some of you do this for years????<BR>Exxon

Boo! exxon... I have plan A for years and I fell and I pulled myself up again and I sinned by having an EA and I still keep on trying... you can do it,,<BR>C1

C1,<BR>We have that in common as well. I feel guilty for starting this mess that has become my marriage by having a PA of myown 8 years ago. We ever addressed let alone resolved the issues behind that. Everytime I get angry about the pain he has caused, I blame myself. It's unbearable.<p>[This message has been edited by Exxon (edited April 21, 2001).]