Greeder,<p>I'm not sure that the prognosis is BAD for you... but I don't think that you're going to get to a "great" marriage without some pain and trauma.<p>You wouldn't have thought that the prognosis for my marriage was good either: a wife has an affair, she never really "loved" me, continued the affair in my presence, allowed me to separate from her, got pregnant...<p>But here we are with a terrifically strong, wonderfully renewed marriage. So miracles can happen. But a key to my miracle was the excellent coaching and counseling of Steve Harley---that's why I suggested that you get in touch with him.

Greeder - I have read your posts with great interest. I'm sorry you're going through such an emotionally volatile time in your marriage. I would consider my fiance a "controlling type" and we have gone through several fights from A-Z, including finances. We still maintain separate checking accounts. Took us several months and a financial crisis to work up a comfortable, and FLEXIBLE, budget.<p>My opinion is...hopefully you and your husband will figure out a way for you to contribute from your ONE job and have time to give him what you both enjoy--your culinary efforts and a comfortable home while he provides at least two-thirds of bill paying. Perhaps he just wants loving respect and is confused about how to get it! I would suggest exploring Dr. Harley's books as much as possible yourself, and doing a great (and hopefully temporary) acting job of not letting his selfish tirades get under your skin. Mirror it back at him but in a loving way..."honey, I don't make as much money as you but am very willing to cook meals that are wonderful AND saving us money...how would YOU suggest we handle this..." Listen to him respectfully. Grit your teeth when he rants, and try again..."I know, dear, but we both knew my paychecks are less than yours from the get-go...here's my budget...do you have any suggestions how we can better plan OUR budget?" "You're right, hosiery is so expensive it's highway robbery! Unfortunately, a necessity...maybe WE can find ways to trim OUR budget to allow for that better...what do YOU think..." "Yes, I DID agree to splitting the bills but I didn't realize I'd be left with so little cash...I worry about gas and buying lunch...honey, what should we do?" (ad nauseum). You get the picture.<p>If it's possible, touch him caringly as much as possible during such a conversation. He may respond better. When my fiance and I are talking, and tempers start to flare, if I take the touch initiative it's amazing how quickly he calms. We can continue talking even about subjects upon which we completely disagree. Our decisions are not made in one sitting...we come from very different backgrounds and it's been an uphill battle many times. But we think it's worth it.<p>I hope I've helped even a little. Good luck!

Lucks - Thank you for the input. The pain of going through difficulties in a marriage is never easy. And it is often a real challenge to rightly respond to our spouses rather than react. The inner turmoil and frustration that occurs may find us being kind on the outside while inside we are just seething with thoughts like, "Why don't you just take a flying leap...". <p> Many times those thoughts find their way through my teeth and gums and the fireworks begin! <p>Although my husband IS most incorrigible, I realize there are ways I can ease situations if I just remain calm, loving and respectful.<p>K - As an update, so much has transpired in the last couple of days that I do not have the emotional stamina to even write about it.<p>To make a long story short, I stayed home from work yesterday to pack my belongings because the situation had become so impossible. My father, who is not only a medical doctor, but an ordained minister who performed our wedding ceremony and married us, came to our home last night to help me pack.<p>My father has chosen to always recommend outside counseling to us, until last night. He let my husband vent, and then vent, and then vent some more, then asked if he would give him the same opportunity to speak as he had given my husband.<p>Again, to make a long story short, my husband really listened up, took some things to heart, and arranged to speak to my father again, willingly.<p>I feel as though we have too many battle scars to even hope for any kind of a future, let alone a happy one. But I'm going to take a deep breath, move forward slowly, and allow God to work in my husband's life as well as my own.<p>Because of the principle, "You reap what you sow", I plan on doing a lot of sowing! <p>[This message has been edited by greeder (edited 02-26-99).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I feel as though we have too many battle scars to even hope for any kind of a future, let alone a happy one. But I'm going to take a deep breath, move forward slowly, and allow God to work in my husband's life as well as my own.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><p>Greeder, my belief is that you're suffering from a "givers snapback" (although I don't have the information or training to REALLY make that statement)---you've sacrificed for your marriage for an extended period of time, and you're exhausted from not getting your needs met. This is an all-to-common situation in marriages: it often leads to a quick divorce or an affair. I'm very proud of you for deciding to try to tackle the situation head-on.<p>I'm going to suggest that your scars will heal quickly, if your husband can learn new behaviors on how to treat you. He'll need to eliminate his lovebusters: selfish demands, angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements. If he can truly do this (and you begin to do the same), you will stabilize your situation and provide an environment where you will WANT to meet each other's needs. And when you start doing that for each other, the love will quickly grow. And the scars will fade. Situations will still trigger "bad" memories, but you'll learn how to take that deep breath and deal with the situation in a productive manner.<p>Trust me here: I speak from the perspective of one who has suffered through his wife's affair. Our third child isn't biologically mine. I had no real reason to hope that we could EVER restore our marriage, but I stuck with the Marriage Builder's concepts and principles (and counseling), and our marriage HAS recovered. It is BETTER than it ever was. Our scars are healing. The marriage isn't perfect, and sometimes we do "trigger" those old feelings and habits in each other, but we're 100 times more capable of dealing with each other in a loving, caring manner. I used to have "angry" thoughts about my wife at least 5 times a day. Now, I haven't had one in months!<p>Your attitude of doing a lot of sowing is a very good one. Indeed, it's the healthiest and most productive thing you can do for YOURSELF as well as your husband: it never hurts to treat others with love, compassion and kindness. That doesn't mean you should lie down and be a doormat, but it does mean that you can be honest with him and disagree with him in a loving manner. It's the art of communicating with your husband and learning these behaviors to build a better marriage that will help you in the end.<p>God Bless, and good luck...

K - Once again your post was a real encouragement. Thank you. <p>After learning of your story, it seems as though God had special plans for allowing such difficult circumstances into your life, though at the time I am sure you could never have imagined any good coming from it. Your story is a ministry in itself that I am sure has given comfort and hope to countless many in similar circumstances. It is a modern day Bible story with the lesson of hope, grace, and love (similar to Hosea and Gomer in the Bible).<p>Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to HIS purpose."<p>K - May God continue to bless you and your precious family!<p>

greeder,<p>I have had a very easy, very successful life until a couple years ago. It became much more difficult, but I'm pleased that the success has stayed.<p>A prayer in my daughter's preschool reads something to the effect of:<p>"Don't ask God for an easy life. Ask HIM for strength to live the life you have."<p>I can identify. Through this trial I have received countless blessings, including the love of a wonderful woman, a beautiful new son, and a much deeper, personal relationship with God. Plenty to sing praises about!<p>Hang in there. You're in my prayers.

Greeder, it sounds like he is bent on controlling you, PERIOD. I don't even know if counseling will help him or not. In fact, it sounds pretty scary that he wants you to "act like a wife and do what he says"...that to me sounds like he wants you to OBEY him, that you have no rights or opinions, etc.,of your own. That to me sounds potentially dangerous. I don't know if he has a bad temper or not, but this is how a lot of abusive situations get started. Be VERY careful!! Pay CLOSE attention to his actions as well as his words. If he seems like he may be getting violent in any way, you need to get out of there as quickly as you can. Trust me-I've been there in past relationships,and I've seen enough of these type of relationships to know what I'm talking about here.

Edited<p>[This message has been edited by greeder (edited 03-02-99).]