Give me a shout when you get back. I'll be here for another hour and a half.

Now my ribs hurt DUDE!!!<P>And my mascara is running!!<P>Slippery when wet..YUCK!<P>And a mole?<P>I once heard that if a woman pierced her you know what she would be in a state of constant orgasms. But I have seen one too many iinfected one's. I've only seen one, and that was WAY too much. I treated her with an enema, that cures everything ya know.<P>Penny huh?

3 years ago I got a couple of tat's on my back. I think one of the was a portrait of Elvis. Hold on a minute I'll shave my back and see what they where.<P>OK I'm back. Confederate Flag, another naked lady, and a Portrait of Elton John - Don't ask I was really drunk that night.<P>I tried one of those belly button rings once but the chain on my wallet kept getting caught on it.<P>I've seen pictures of tattoo's in "those" place on him and her. OUCH!!!!! No way. I'm so afraid of things happen down there that I got me one of those "DNC" orders from the DR. Do not cathiderize, that is.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LostHusband:<BR><B>Give me a shout when you get back. I'll be here for another hour and a half.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Actually, gotta drive up to Tacoma to get paid, go to the bank, then go to Safeway, so you'll probably be gone by then. I wish I had such a great sense of humor.<P>I think I'll stop and get a quadruple shot mocha, and start cleaning out my garage when I get home. Can you say garage sale?<P>Had one last year. I am amazed how it brings out some of the strangest people. Not that all people who shop at garage sales are weird.. I would for kid stuff if I had more time.<P>Example: I had a hunter green Eddie Bauer jacket, leather, for ten bucks. It was only about two years old, but I didnt want it anymore. On one of the cuffs there was a dark stain. Probly my and my driviing with coffee at 80. Couldnt even see it..I didnt even notice it!! A little old lady comes in with her 40 yo son, she told him she would buy it if that lady gave her a good price. Hell!! Its a 150$ jacket!! Oh but it will have to be cleaned she said. She offered me 2 dollars!! I said no. She said then I'll give ya five if you get it cleaned. I told her no, I would rather keep it, and its not dirty. She started screaming at me!! I told her to leave right now. At this point she was in my face, demanding that I have to sell it for a buck.<P>People are so funny!!<P>And if you are supposed to start at 7am, people come at the butt crack of dawn too!! Last year my door bell rang at 5 am!!<P>Oh well, nice talking to ya today. I need to get moving!!<BR>I am not getting anything done lately, spending my time on the com when I am off. But its worth talking to ya, I miss laughter!!<P>

I can’t believe, poof, just like that you up and leave. <P>I didn’t even get a chance to tell you about Penny. She’s a living example of the 11:30 rule. She’s only missing 2 of her front teeth and she can even count to nine. She could go higher but she’d have to take her shoes off. Now Penny is a big woman. She’s only seen 349 once in her life and she ate right past that. But I love her. Last week we was down at the county fair, just won that corn eating contest ya know. She asked me if she could get a tattoo. I was kinda hesitant but she started to beggin and just seeing her in that thong bikini melted me. Well we walked into the tattoo parlor and that guys face just lit up. Said that this was the biggest canvas he’s even painted on. Now she didn’t want anything too extreme so she just had him tat “I’m With Stupid” across her back. <P>Thanks for the laughter today again I really needed it. You never did tell me about your tat’s. Trying to keep me in suspense, huh? Stick with that Oprah diet before you know they’ll be able to put the doors back on the willybagel. I forgot to ask do you have a nice terry clothe robe to go with those slippers.<P>Have a good evening. I’ll put on my parka and be OK.<P>Praying for you.<P><BR>Bill<BR><P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

Dara,<P>I hope that today finds you in good spirits. I am doing just fine. I left work last night and picked up our foster children. Lisa and our girls were gone at baton lessons. So I get home around six. I fixed supper, swept and mopped the kitchen/laundry room floors, emptied the dishwasher, leaded the dishwasher, did two loads of laundry, folded two loads of laundry (one thing I like to do laundry, hate to fold), put all of our bills in the computer (depressing), and then cleaned up one of Lisa’s dresser drawers (she had pulled it out after I unpacked her stuff because I didn’t put it away neat enough). So Lisa and the girls show up at 9:00. I asked Lisa to come upstairs so that I could talk to her about something with one of the foster girls. She did and we talked. After we finished she inquired about the dresser drawer. I told her and then I worked a little more on bill’s. Then out of nowhere she asks me to tell what the hell did I do from 6-9. She says I can get more done in an hour than you can get done all day. I go through the list of things I did and she pretty much drops it. So I start to read some of the bible and just can’t get into. Try writing for about an hour and able to get a lot started but nothing finished. So at about 11:30 I started praying and praying and praying. Of course making unreasonable requests at first but then as I got into it I started to feel the shoulders lightening again and began to relax. As I was finishing I thanked God for the friends he has sent me and asked him to show me a sign of his presence, show me a sign that I’ll make it through this. Amen.<P>The door flies open and I here the foot steps on the stairs and it’s my middle child, the one that I have said is too much like her father. I figure she’s on a midnight potty run but she’s not. She comes over to my bed, gives me a hug, turns around, and goes back to bed. Not one word was spoken. Dara, I got out of my bed, fell to my knees, and tearfully thanked Him for showing me His presence and presenting me with the sign that I will make it through this.<P>How was the mocha?<P>Bill<BR><P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

OH what a sweet story Bill!! I am speechless to think of what to say about that...God's grace is amazing. Isn't it funny how He chooses to speak to us?<P>Same thing happened to me a couple months ago. On my way home from church, in tears, I was praying not for Him to change my sit., but just please let me know He was here for me. I felt so hopeless. This was while I was at a corner, getting ready to make a right turn at a three-way intersect. I had a green light, and was stopped for a moment in prayer. As I took the right turn (I had a green ), I turned into the right lane. A car came from out of nowhere and passed me on the left. Normally in my truck, I take wide turns. Thats how it handles. I swear, it would have hit me. Right in the drivers side door, as I was turning if I hadnt taken the corner slowly as I prayed.<BR>I KNOW it was God. Too much of a coincidence, ya know?<P>My night went OK, I was anxiuos for him to get home so that I could talk to him about him going. I dont like abstract planning. I asked him if it does turn out good with him being accepted if he was serious about going. He said yes. Later on that eve we were talking about painting the house, fixing the fence, blah blah to get more $$. Remember I mentioned before this house was owned by a bachelor for a few years. We spent the last 2 years fixing up the outside, but the inside has outdated carpet (no not green ), needs painting and new linoleum. <P><BR>I said with a little hard work we wont lose so much every month. I think we can rent it for about 1000-1100/month. He became very offended, said that he worked his a** off in the army for eight years. That was hard work, he says. And this house is what he has to show for it. Painting and replacing tile flooring IS NOT hard work he said. He was mad!! Anyway, he told me not to worry so much, that I shouldnt have any interest in this house. My response was that he will be on a fixed budget while in school, and I do worry because if he is losing 300 a month, he will be able to help me less. I reminded him that I am assuming all debts, and care of the kids. Anyways, it became an arguement. I said if we cannot talk w/o getting hung up on adjective's, then we can cont with attorneys. He will assume 1/2 of our debt, about 18k, pay me alimony, pay 1000 a month support, and have to buy my interest out in this house. He had said right before that that he is afraid of this happening in SA, every night staying up late talking and argueing. I said I am too sick of it!! I would rather he not live with me anyway, because its hard for me too. And now look, we cant even talk about anything w/o fighting!!<P>Ah well. We went to bed. He actually put his arm around me and held me. Since the OW is out of the pic, he is so much more receptive to me, and even gives affection every so often.<P>Amazing. Well Dan thats how my night went. My morning has been another story!!<P>Dara

WOW!<P>Sounds like the coaster did one of those loop-d-loop thingy's. I know what you mean about the can't talk without argueing. We to get hooked up on one word out 3,000 spoken and pick it to death. <P>Well let's hear about the morning Bertha.

OK I'm lost what's up with the "Dan" thing. Did I miss something.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LostHusband:<BR><B>OK I'm lost what's up with the "Dan" thing. Did I miss something.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Remember yesterday you called yourself Dan something. I'm too lazy to look it up.<P>My AM? Geez, long story, touching though..<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Remember yesterday you called yourself Dan something. I'm too lazy to look it up.[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Now I remember, took me a while. It's only 11:30 here so I'm still a little slow. I've only had like 800 cups of coffee so far.<BR>

Almost forgot. Friday, I was invited to a really nice Bar & Grill for an office get together. Lisa and I have always talked about going there, so I thought I'd surprise her. Like she'd go with me. But that's another subject, got a babysitter lined up for Saturday. Last night Lisa mentions she's taking our girls to her mom's this weekend. I tell her about the supper. She says still going to mom's leaving sometime saturday and will be home sunday night. End of discussion.

Just got invited, or should I say ordered, to go to lunch with the boss. Wonder what's on his mind?<P>Well anyway, I'll check back in about an hour.

Last night I as I lay in bed I was thinking of my child hood. Thinking of the girls too. Little on dosnt understand too much.<P>Thinking of how I got to this place. How I never learned to take care of someone. Let me explain...<P>My M&D were in a bad custody dispute when I was 6. They D when I was 2, but mom started drinking real heavy around the age of six.. She had a BF who treated me like crap. I didnt like him, he was like a jigolo or something. Came around once a month, telling me to go to bed at 4pm because he was here to see my ma not me. One day I yelled at him, and he took a washcloth, shoved it down my throat, while sliding me up the wall by my neck. My mom just watched. WEll, he moved to TX, and she wanted to follow. I was eight by then. I already hated him. My dad was remarried with two kids. I stayed the summer with him while my mom went to TX, and I partoke of the "perfect" family life. He lived in a 4000 sq. ft. house, swingset, a dog and cat. My mom gave away my dog because we were going to tX. One I had for a long time. My best bud. I didnt want to go to TX, but I missed my mom. I also didnt have a choice.<P>So after a month or so, dad puts me on a plane to TX. When I get there, my mom is renting a room from a couple, and I go from having my own room to sharing a twin bed with my mom. No toys, all sold in Michigan. No friends. Started fourth grade and hated it. My mom and her friends were getting high every night, and drinking real heavy. One night they got into a fight. The man took a large ceramic ashtray, the kind with a lighter attached, and beat the crap out of my mom. In front of me. She went unconcious. I thought she was dead. Some neighbors heard me screaming, and found me in a closet. My mom was put in the hospital. I stayed there in that house for a few days, as my mom wouldnt tell the police what happened. So they I guess thought it was ok for me to stay there. When she came home, we moved out. Into her station wagon. She had never gottne a job since she moved there.<P>To raise money, she had the bright idea of sending me door to door with a "Jump rope a thon" fund raiser from my school. For weeks we lived in the car, I was out of school spending every day going door to door asking for 'pledges'. I hAD just turned nine. I knew it wasnt right. She wouldnt let me call my dad, wouldnt tell me his #. I remember sitting once or twice on a bench in front of someones house, crying, wishing someone would ask me what is wrong. Well, after a wile, she got a job, and an apartment. She worked as a bartender in downtown SA. Car had been stolen, so she took the bus. Left as I came home from school, and came home at midnight. Fourth, fifth, and sixth grade came and went. I was alone ALL the time. I would spend all my time at the local stables, and had talked my dad into leasing me a horse there. By the time I was 12, I was sick of my ma. Living in a 1 br apartment, with that same [censored] coming over all the time, kicking out so he could be alone with her. I would just sit on the stairs alone. Till he was done, then I could go inside.<P>Spent two years with my dad, seventh and eightj grade. Then started getting into trouble. And I would take his authority. Hell, I had been answering to noone for several years. Got caught smoking grass in the summer after eighth grade, and faced an entire summer being grounded. I decided to move back to TX. I went, and met Rick one month later, married two years later to get away from my mom. He took care of me. I felt safe with him.<P>I have no clue what got me thinking about this last night. Why I cried so hard. What I realized is that I was never taken care of as a child, and never learned how to love someone or take care of them. And now, the one who has always taken care of me doesnt want me anymore.<P>I told him this this AM. Tears and all. He knew about my childhood, but never heard the emotions with it. How it made me feel. And I have never realized up until last night how it has bothered me.<P>My mom is still a drunk. She drinks a fifth of Jim Beam a day, usually right from the bottle. I dont know how, but she has managed to buy a nice home and has the same job for the past 8yrs. Sure she has had 3 DWI's in the past three yrs too. When he first told me that he wanted a D, I cinfided in my mom. Asked her not to tell any family. We hadnt told the kids yet. So sure enough, she told everyone. My dad calls me, and by this time, after being passed around, the story has changed. Dad told me what he had heard. After that I never spoke to her about my D again. She calls here all the time, wanting to know. Plays the 'oh well fine then write me out of your life' story. I told her I am moving to TX, and she disagree's with it. Says WA is better for the kids. She doesnt want to believe its over for Rick & I. No support whatsoever, just critcizes me, and wants me to tell her what else has happened since February, the last tiime I talked to her about my D.<P>AS I told Richard this he just sat and listened. I cried. He held me, and told me over and over again he loves me. He said I just married too young and didnt know how to be a wife. Kissed me several times before leaving.<P>I think, that after praying last night there was a reason all these things came to my mind. Maybe growth of some sort.

OMG! Dara,<P>I am so sorry. I really don't know what else to say. Thank you very much for sharing that with me, I cried. I am glad the he was able to comfort you.<P>You've come a long way baby.<P>(((((DARA)))))<P>Bill

"I have no clue what got me thinking about this last night. Why I cried so hard. What I realized is that I was never taken care of as a child, and never learned how to love someone or take care of them. And now, the one who has always taken care of me doesnt want me anymore."<P>Oh! Dara,<P>Just reread it and this jumped out at me. WOW! I still very emotional so hope I don't say something that's taken wrong. I believe that you have learned to take care of someone else. You may not have known in the beginning but you've learned it on the way. I sure you kids would agree. And take a look at me. Read some of the crap that I wrote in this post and on some of my other posts. You took me in under your wing and got me through some real bad times. You saved me more than once from doing something stupid. I'm a complete stranger to you and you knew how to show me the love that I needed. Dara, you've changes so much from the times of a damsil in destress til now. I don't know what to say about "And now, the one who has always taken care of me doesnt want me anymore.". I wish that he could see from the outside looking in rather than the inside looking out. <BR>

Thanks for the encouragement Bill.<P>Yeah, I am very much still figuring things out. Alot of it is why I am so emotionally distant, or had been, all these years to him. I suppose it has something to do with trust which should be built in the primary bonds of parenting.<P>I dont find myself having a pity party so to speak about this Bill. I think I am just learning alot about myself, and why I have been the person I was. I feel alot of resentment towards my mom at this point too. I need to forgive. Its a biblical principle ya know? But if you asked my a week ago to forgive my ma, I would have said for what? I would have said what she did to me as a child had no effect on me. But it did.<P>And honestly, it feels really good to share with Richard all these very primal emotions. To bare my soul to him. Its not just about me, that is, what I shared with him. It explains alot to him. As he said, I never knew how to be a wife. Where he goes with what I told him I dont know. I have no expectations. But it enabled him to tell me over and over again how much he loves me. He didnt say he would change his mind. He did say that it has been very hard for him to make this decision. And it would be even harder to change his mind. That struck me as odd, because I never referred to 'us.'<P>He went on to say people just do not change over night. What he meant by that I dont know. It just feels really good to know that he loves me. He said that he does still continue to do alot for me even if I dont see it. I said I do see it.<P>I just feel really contemplative right now.

I too married a damsil in distress. Our first years were good but she's never let me see into her heart. She has built a wall around it and won't let anyone in. She has said that "she doesn't know how to love". I don't know why she's going to her mom's this weekend, everytime she's been with her mom, they have faught. It usually ends up with Lisa leaving and saying that she really showed that B*&#@.<P>At this point, I don't think Lisa is ready for forgiveness. <P>You talk of emotional distance, I guess I kinda lost on that one. You seem very emotional now, seeking his affection, is that something new for you?<P>Richard is a very lucky man right now, I hope that he realizes that before it's too late.<p>[This message has been edited by LostHusband (edited May 02, 2001).]

Oh yeah its something new to me. Seeking him out for anything. He used to be so physically affectionate with me, but not in the past few years. I pushed him away too much.<P>I'm sorry, but I cant comment on Lisa going to her mom's this weekend. My head is in the clouds right now.<P>I dont know if he could ever forgive me. Or, as he said this Am that he needed some control in his life. That he has never had it, I always ran the show. All I could say was that I want him to be happy more than I want to be married to him.<P>I dont know if I can ever forgive myself. But in the meantime I can begin on a long journey of self-discovery.

"All I could say was that I want him to be happy more than I want to be married to him."<P>Was that hard to say? I know that it's the "right" thing to say and that I could say it. Of course, blood would be dripping from my mouth cause I bit my tongue so hard. <P>"I dont know if I can ever forgive myself. But in the meantime I can begin on a long journey of self-discovery."<P>So who's stopping you from forgiving yourself? Step back, look at the big picture, you didn't know any better. You worked with the tools that you had. I believe that I've forgiven myself. I look at it this way, the Lord has forgiven me right, so what right do I have to hold out my own forgiveness. I still think that I did some pretty stupid stuff, but I worked with the tools that I had, and did the best that I could do.<P>The self-discovery journey to me that's pretty scary. I am scared that when I really find myself that I won't like what I see. But then I think, if there is something I don't like, I will change it. <P>You'll make it. <P>