We have been married almost 13 years. <br>My husband (k.) had a mother who verbally & physically abused him until his parents divorced when he was 10, at which point he moved in w/ his dad, who treated him better physically but was emotionally distant.<p>Almost a year ago, I found out k. had opened a separate bank account. I confronted him, asked him to go to counseling. He agreed, & also closed out account. <p>We have been in joint and separate counseling for 9 months now. We still live together, and on the surface, it looks good. K. still says he loves me, but he's not in love w/me. He has willingly gone to counseling, seen a psychiatrist to regulate anti-depressive meds (which he'll be on permanently, probably), and seems to be willing to cooperate and work on things in the relationship. However, he can't commit. I try to bear with it most of the time, but at times (like now, before my period) it drives me crazy. The counselor asks k. periodically how things are going, which is reasonable. But he keeps saying when asked how he feels about the relationship, "In some ways better, in some ways worse". If asked if he wants to stay married, the answer is often, "I think so", or "For the time being." For several months, I thought we were getting along better, even though he couldn't commit, and then last month, he started saying again he was thinking about leaving, which put me in a tailspin.<p>To be honest, I'm getting close to the end of my rope. I have tried to follow Dr. Harley's principles. I have tried not to "Mommy" k., and have respectfully stated my side. I keep getting this indecision. I try not to pressure him. I don't know what to do. I tell myself that actions speak louder than words: he seems to be trying, he hasn't called a lawyer yet, he still comes to counseling.<p>In an individual session recently, I talked w/ the counselor about this. He said k. learned some very destructive relationship patterns from his mother. That part of the reason he couldn't decide was because that would be making a grown-up decision, and he is like Peter Pan in some ways. I pointed out that not to decide is also a decision. He said frankly k. needs to grow up in some ways.<p>There are stilll many good things to our relationship, but this is killing me. What should I do? I refuse to allow him to force my hand. We have had marital problems off and on, including the fact I had an affair 5 years ago. In fact, other than the fact that k. now has a job w/bennies and can't seem to s...t or get off the pot, things are much like they were 5 years ago. (We've discussed the infidelity in therapy--seems to have faded as a problem.) The counselor also said part of the reason the marriage has lasted so long is due to my maturity and persistence. Which makes me feel that basically, the marriage will last as long as I want it to. <br>

Jeanette,<p>My only real suggestion would be to find a new marriage counselor who is more "solution-oriented". Your husband may have learned some destructive relationship patterns, but he can unlearn them too. The question centers around "is your therapist the right one?" and "will your husband put in the effort?"<p>If you don't see the counselor making plans with your husband and trying to implement new behaviors, then I suggest you find a new counselor. If he has been doing this, and you've been doing your part in the marriage (elimination of lovebusters, meeting your husband's needs), then perhaps a separation is the next step.