Some of you have read my profile and have the tip of the iceberg. Others, no doubt, have read my posts and gathered other small bits of the whole of my emotional being. Nonetheless, I feel compelled to tell it all, from A-Z, in an attempt to solicit input from others in similar or dissimilar situations so that I may learn and grow from where I've been and where I am.<P>May 1978… Married for the first time. I was just 21, she just 20. She was, and still is in my memory, the most perfect match I've known in terms of fun, friendship and love. Granted our sex life in those days was immature and is really not much to remember, mostly my fault… as is true with many younger men I'm sure. Shortly after we married I accepted a job in LA, far from our Colorado home. She had never lived anywhere but Denver and I had always dreamed of "the big time" in my career… "radio". I had no idea the impact this move would have on her… and in March of 1979, just 10 months after our marriage, she left… went home to mom and dad. I was absolutely crushed, lost control of my life. Lost my dream job and after several months of pursuing her, mostly through her parents, I moved back to Colorado to be closer and give "us" a better chance. At that time I had no idea of Marriage Builders and all of the great advice it provides, perhaps it did not exist, certainly not online back then.<P>September 1979, I was getting over the loss of W#1 and had gotten back together with an old girlfriend who had graduated from HS in 1978. I had actually met this girl before W#1 but never really thought she "liked me" that much. We were good friends. This gave me the strength to tell W#1… I'm ready to move on with my life. I had divorce papers by then and on Nov 2, 1979 it was official W#1 and I were no longer married. My GF and I had discovered very strong feelings for each other and I was ready to "move on". Even though the divorce was final I had a feeling that W#1 regretted going through with it but somehow could not "find her way out" of the decision.<P>November 17, 1979, married GF. It appeared all was well. I was over W#1, although she was in my mind and to some extent my heart for a time. In 1981, W#2 and I had our first son and two months later moved from CO to TX… we had no family in TX and in fact neither one of us had even been in the state. So, W#2 was in a strange place with no friends or family and a newborn child, while I took a job we thought was right for us. In 1984, our second son was born. 1985, we moved from San Antonio to Dallas for another Job for me. W#2 did work at times but spent the bulk of those years raising our sons and I might add has been a wonderful mother. I continued my career, hoping to climb the ladder of success, and things overall were great from what I could see… All of us feel that way at the time, don't we… hindsight is so different for us all.<P>1988, I changed careers, left radio and started writing software for the radio industry. For the first time in my life I traveled some. Not a lot mind you but several trips a year. On one trip, I suddenly had the urge to call W#1. By now I was 31 years old, and was just curious if she ever remarried and had that feeling of "Gee, I can't go through life not knowing what happened to her". I did call her and the sparks flew. I was head over heels for her, she had NOT remarried and this was my first experience with an emotional affair. I was totally and absolutely consumed with W#1. After several months of phone and letter communication, PRE INTERNET, I took the risk of seeing W#1 while on a family vacation back to CO. It was wonderful to see her again and I was getting very close to leaving my family. W#1 had been waiting for me and it seemed that, despite all the pain it would cause, I would leave my family and rejoin W#1. On the drive back from CO to TX, I told W#2 about the feelings I had and that I'd seen W#1. W#2 simply said… make a choice, us or her… you'll never see your kids again!!!! I was scared to death… and because of that I made the decision NOT to leave my family and severe all ties to W#1. I did do that too. We went through some rough times back then but I thought we got through it.<P>Aug 1997. Things appeared to be fine… we're married almost 18 years now and all is fairly calm. I had my own business now and we had gotten ourselves in some financial troubles with the IRS… that was a very stressful time in 1996. I didn't handle it at all well, losing all self esteem and feeling like a failure as a father and husband when we went into bankruptcy… Back to 1997… one morning, my wife did a very strange thing and I decided to look in the pocket of a pair of jeans she appeared to "hide" from me. I discovered a Love note inside from a man. IMMEDIATELY I was consumed with the awful, wrenching feelings that had been gone since my first wife left me 18 years before. I confronted my wife and she denied and went on to work. Once she left the house, I have a home office, I began looking through everything I could think for more evidence. I finally found two or three more notes from the OM, even more incriminating than the first. One had his name and I knew it was a co worker immediately. I called her and told her to come home for lunch to talk. I cannot tell you what a wreck I was and how bad it hurt. She said he was going through a divorce and he was pursuing her but she was just a friend to him. I then bought into the idea she'd had an emotional affair. I scoured the net for help and advice, found MB back then and the Vaughan-Vaughan BAN sight. I trusted her it was over and showed her the emotional needs and love busters things, back in 1997. She never seemed to think it was "that big a deal" and couldn't believe I was so wrecked over what she described as being a friend. <P>Time went by, I slowly got better, got off Prozac and still things didn't seem to get better. I tried Plan A back then but made a very poor attempt I'm sure. All the while she NEVER told me what I was not doing for her that he was and it worried me that all she wanted was for things to "be like normal". That sounded ok but wasn't Normal what got us into this. Anyway, she never seemed to "take hold" of fixing our problems and we became more distant.<P>May 1998. BOOM, Wife Number 1 calls on what would have been our 20th anniversary. She also had just turned 40 and "couldn't go on" not knowing I was ok. I was pretty distant from W#1 on this call and the moment I hung up I called W#2 to tell her of it, just to "be honest" per Harley… as we were about 8 months into recovery from her "emotional affair". W#1 and I did start exchanging emails and I did start to have very strong feelings for her again but we never made plans to meet or for me to leave my marriage… we were honestly trying to be friends. After a few months my communication with W#1 slowed considerably and it seemed we could be "just friends". W#2 knew I was emailing W#1 and it did bother me she wasn't bothered by it.<P>W#2 and I become even more distant… I should've known all the time… in late 1998 I started internet chatting and got addicted quickly. The conversation and admiration I got online filled my cup and restored my self esteem as it seemed my wife just didn't care anymore. We slipped into a mode of "she sat on the couch and watched movies", I sat on the PC "chatting". I met a woman online that I finally met in real life… I had been "spilling" my story of lack of love at home and of course ran into a woman with a similar story near me. We met… we had a brief sexual affair… I could NOT continue that and stopped it… I maintained to the OW the whole time that I was NOT leaving my wife… just waiting and hoping things would bet better. I had some but limited contact with W#1 at this time.<P>August 14, 1999, BOOM again… W#2, in the heat of an argument over me feeling "unloved", says "If I wanted to leave, would you let me"? YES, she had continued the affair all this time. She had deceived and lied to me for nearly 3 years now… Her justification was how bad it hurt me and she wanted to wait until the kids were grown to leave so it would have less impact on them. I told her about my brief affair and that just added hurt to injury. The next morning she drove up to Oms house to tell him she'd told me. His EX was living with him… She's broke and he couldn't bear the mother of his kids "on the street". While she went and told him, I called W#1 to cry on her shoulder.<P>NOW… over the last 2.5 weeks, we've had a couple of tense fights but overall a lot of soul searching and honest revelations about who we are, what we've done and what we want. I've been talking with W#1 some and W#2 knows that… she's coming to grips with the fact I'm leaning on her. W#2 is convinced she wants to leave. I have thrown every statistic and piece of great advice from MB and the forums to her I can, like most of you have I'm sure… .all to no avail. I've made reservations to go to CO and see my family and yes W#1 in a couple of weeks… we will tell our kids, two boys 15 and 18 now, this weekend. When I get back, she will leave for the OM. I want our marriage but have seen very little hope and yes, my heart and mind have often thought of W#1, which clouds the issue for me. I know that W#1 is the ultimate love buster… but I'm the type of person that having her there for support is about the only way I'm surviving this… I'm so confused, hurt, tired… you all know these feelings.<P>This is sooooo long and I'm sorry… but it's quite complex and deep… Please let me know your thoughts.<BR>
