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#68778 02/21/99 02:45 AM
Joined: Dec 1998
Posts: 34
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sherl Offline OP
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Okay, here's the story. If you've caught my post a couple months ago "men with low sex drive" you know I was having problems with my husband not feeling the urge to make love (no matter what I did, what I wore-well you get the picture!) <p> Then things started getting better--I could figure out things that would eventually get him in the mood(sometimes). Now, in all fairness, I do have to admit that it took us years to grow apart sexually, and only recently has my drive come back with a vengence--and he has a hard time dealing with this (partly because of medical conditions that cause tiredness, and his low sex drive). <p>It seems like we've gone through this pattern over and over: I tell him my need of "bonding", "filling my love bank", etc. and we will make love a couple times in two days. Okay, that will "hold me" for a couple days, but he thinks it should "hold me" longer than it does. A couple days goes by, and I will try to make moves, which are quickly rebuffed. A couple more days goes by and my mind is filled with all kinds of ideas to try to get him to want to do it(which don't usually work). Up until last week, we've made it work, so I've been satisfied physically, and emotionally--he was really trying. But this last week, I could tell him what my needs are till I'm blue in the face, and they go ignored. I try very hard to meet all his needs (even his need for sleep at night-which is difficult for me since that's pretty much the only time we can make love!) And yes, I understand he has these medical conditions that make him tired and not energetic, but things really do happen when he at least tries. <p>Well, what happened tonight really upset me. I had just shared with him how much I needed to...you know...and he started doing some "mercy petting". Well, I made the mistake to start talking about my feelings, and he removed his hand from me, pretty much non-verbally telling me that I had just made a choice about what to do just then(like he could only deal with either touching me or listening to me) Now, he wasn't turned on anyway-so it's not like my talking about my feelings could turn him off! So, of course I felt like an idiot, thinking I had my chance for the week and just blew it. So I said that, and he said I made a choice. So I said I guess I just have to learn to bury my feelings, and he didn't say anything. So, I was there crying right next to him and he didn't move a muscle. Which brings me to the topic of my post--compassion. I do not know what went wrong in his childhood, or even our relationship to make him react (or not react) to my crying. He has a hard time dealing with his feelings when he has hurt my feelings. First he acts like I shouldn't feel that way, then he tries to joke his way out of it, then once in a great while he will actually apologize--but if I am crying...he retreats. I have told him many times that when I am crying because he has hurt my feelings, just holding me will make me feel better. But I can count on one hand the number of times he has actually done that. When he ignores me(he can't sleep that soundly, so quickly, can he???), I feel less than nothing. The longer I laid there crying, the less sad I felt, and the more angry I got. I am angry that he can't show me love and compassion when I'm hurt. I am angry because I know when we get up in the morning, he's going to act like nothing ever happened. More than that, he's not going to be acting-he's going to actually feel that nothing is wrong! That's his way of dealing with problems--he goes to sleep and they "disappear". He calls problems "bumps in the road"--he doesn't worry about things or waste time being upset about them, and he thinks I should be the same way. But I'm not. I NEED a compassionate hug or compassionate words when I'm upset--I can't just say "oh well" and go to sleep! And wake up the next morning Mrs. "happy go lucky"(whatever the heck that even means!) <p>Are people born compassionate? Or is it a learned behavior? My husband is a good man, a Christian, and seems to have compassion for others outside of our family. How do I get him to have more concern about my feelings, and to have compassion for me? I know he loves me. He knows all about love busters and love banks, and we're even attending a marriage seminar (video) class at our church where the speaker goes over what the husband's roles are, and one was how the husband is to be "Dr."--to comfort the wife when she's sad or hurt, to "fix" it with love, and compassion, and by holding her when she cries. Is he DEAF??? Or just dumb?? (ha-ha) <p>Well, thank you for listening (if you made it this far!), writing this is good therapy in itself--I feel much better now. Maybe I can even go to sleep, and wake up like nothing ever happened!!!

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sherl,<p>Your question seems to boil down to how can you get your mate to do something you badly need for them to do, especially when it's obvious that you need it. Answer: I wish I knew. In my own case things had being going fairly well. I haven't posted much recently but if you read any of my posts over the last few months you know my situation. <br>One of our biggest sources of conflict was the time my wife spends on the computer chating. Recently she made efforts to cut back, I was noticing it and appreciating it. In turn I was reciprocating with better behavior myself. While our marriage is not what it should be I felt we had made significant advances. I already know what I had been doing over the years that caused her to feel resentment against me, and I've been working hard to change those things. The major thing I wanted her to change was to not spend so much time chating on the computer. I can't tell you how bad it makes me feel to be beat out by a machine and people hundreds of miles away that I don't even know.<br>I'm the one who has the higher sex drive. Two to three times a week keeps me satisfied. This past week we only had sex once. But I could tell that because of some pressures at work that my wife was extra tired so I didn't press it. Part of changing my behavior was not to be so demanding, so I told myself to wait until the week end.<br>My wife was gone a good part of the day Saturday because she had a job related meeting to attend and after that she had to go out to buy her sister, who lives about 90 minutes away, a birthday present. I was looking forward to going to see her today (Sunday) and getting away for a while. Well, last night my wife gets on the computer. No biggie. I don't care if she's on it as long as she doesn't let it dominate. I was really looking forward to being with her and having a great sexual evening. I was prepared and waiting, sitting on the couch reading. She knows what I want and she usually will sign off the computer and come on in. She didn't. She just kept going. I feel myself getting mad. I come in to get something to drink. She says she knows I'm probably getting mad but that she wants to spend more time on the computer. I said I was going to bed, which I did, but I couldn't sleep. I got up and got dressed to go somewhere, which was dumb because there really wasn't anywhere to go at 10:15pm. But I felt if I didn't leave I might say something really bad. As it was I already said something about that "damn computer", and my wife hates cursing. She then said she'd go in the bedroom and "do her duty". Oh, thanks. I was fuming then. I left. After I felt I'd cooled down I came back; she was in the bed.<br>This morning she was on the guess what (no online affair here by the way). She said she didn't want me to go to her sister's with them. Then she brings in the diamond necklace, boxed, that I bought her for Valentine's Day. Says she doesn't want anything from me when I act like that. She said I blew up. I did get mad but I feel like I handled it a lot better than I did in the past.<br>At any rate I can admit that I probably shouldn't have even done that. But I want to know why it's ok for me to have to go without much needed affections, especially when she knows (and has acknowledged) that ignoring me for the computer is a problem, but when I get upset about it it's like a heinous crime? You ask is your husband deaf or just? I ask the same thing. We've been over this a hundred times. The computer is a MAJOR lovebuster for me. I have spent time erradicating lovebusters that where killing our relationship, though I obviously have a ways to go yet. But the one she commits remains. As I said she had been doing better, and I probably did screw up by getting upset. Perhaps if I'd waited a while it would have turned out better. But I just have a difficult time being second to a machine. Is she deaf, dumb or just doesn't care? Here I sit today, home alone thinking about it and wondering if this stuff can every be really overcome. As hard as you try it seems like it's just never enough.

Joined: Dec 1998
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sherl Offline OP
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Hi Bruce! I just had a LONG letter written in reply to yours, but in the middle of it, my husband wanted to check on one of our auctions--so I went to that website thinking I could get back to the post--and it was GONE!! I have to do it all over again. But I've been on the computer way too long, and my husband is giving me looks (sound familiar?) I'll write later.

Joined: Dec 1998
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sherl Offline OP
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Bruce, to update my post, things worked out fine. The next morning I was able to explain how I felt about what he did, and how that made me feel-and he apologized--and we made up-REALLY made up! I really have to learn when to share my feelings and when to hold back--if I would've just waited, everything would've been fine and I wouldn't have had to felt so bad all night. What happened when your wife came back from her sister's? Were you able to resolve things?<p>Probably would have been the same in your situation the other night with your wife on the computer. If that was me, and my husband just lovingly came up to me and gently stood by me and rubbed my back while I was typing away on the computer, and said softly "c'mon hon, I've got something better for you to do-you can come back to this later"(or something to that effect)--I would've responded in a positive way. Knowing that the computer time your wife puts in is a sore spot with you, I'm sure that it would be hard to act lovingly, when she shows no interest in hanging up though. I do know that in a situation like that, I will sit there and stew, and not say anything hoping that my husband will come to his senses and read my mind and do what I want--which NEVER works! He usually doesn't have a clue as to what I'm thinking until I'm really mad! By then it's too late to salvage any good feelings until the whole thing blows up and I go through what I did the other night. That sound like what you were doing, waiting on the couch, thinking about the stuff you wanted to do with her. And the longer you had to wait,the more negative thoughts started to build up in your head--while your wife was out there happily chatting away-oblivious as to how upset you were really getting.(Am I right?)<p>Interestingly enough, it used to be me on the computer for hours on end at night, while my husband sat on the couch watching tv. I don't know if it ever really bothered him, because our marriage was really stagnant at the time--we had been in a rut, not really relating to each other. We had just gotten the computer at the end of last summer, and I was trying to learn everything myself (he had no interest in the computer). Whenever there was something new to master on it, it would take so much time to figure it out--and I was having fun with e-mail, and downloading games for the kids, etc. I never did get into chatting at all. I tried "lurking" in a Christian chat room, but everytime I did there would be some sick person on there using filthy language and trying to shock the people into responding(not quite the spiritual feeding I was looking for). I never went back, and I never tried another one. Anyways, I would be on the computer until 1:00 am or so with my husband going to bed long before that-or just falling asleep on the couch.<br>But, if you go back to my previous post, you'll remember that when I realized how unhappy I was with our relationship the way it was,I prayed for God to heal our marriage and make it what He intended it to be. It sounds funny, but God "told" me in no uncertain terms to get off the computer and stay off at night. So I immediately quit ( I also quit my habitual watching of my favorite soap operas that I taped everyday, to watch at night in bed(after I was done on the computer)! I also felt God telling me that it was essential that my husband and I go to bed at the same time every night-so we do. This is the same time that my long buried libido came back to life (which I am convinced happened because of the prayer)! God worked miracles in our marriage! As you can tell there are still things we need to work on, but essentially, our marriage is better now than in the 11 years we've been married. One great thing is that we all pray together as a family(our kids can't go to sleep until we gather in one of the kid's rooms and pray together--each one taking a turn out loud. My husband never used to come down to do that with us(he was always eating supper or watching the news or something--he gets home late), but since that prayer he <br>hasn't missed a night. And he thanks God for me in front of the kids, and I pray for him and our marriage too. Do you pray together?<br>That's one thing that has made our marriage stronger. I bought a devotional for us to do together "15 Minutes to Build a Stronger Marriage" written by Bobbie and Myron Yagel. It looks really good-every chapter has a topic, followed by questions to ask each other, and a "challenge" for the week. I have yet to have my husband sit down with me to do this, but I'm sure going to try.<p>Just some advice for both of us (I know what I need to do, but can't get myself to follow through!)--instead of keeping our feelings in and hoping our mates will do what we want them to do without them having to be told, we need to lovingly, and non-threateningly let them know what we want them to do-then hope that they will!


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