PS to my previous post....<P>...and why is it so hard for people to understand that it is OK to still have loving feelings for your wife, even if she is divorcing you?? Even my lawyer has said to me that it is time to let her go.... FINE. I have. Just because I still tell people that this is 100% her decision and that I don't want the divore - they feel the need to feel sorry for me. DON'T!! If you have to feel sorry for anyone, feel sorry for her. I am not ashamed or embarrassed to say that I still love her. BUT MY LIFE is not on hold!!! I am doing what I want to do by choice, not out of fear of being alone or without her. I am not some love-sick man. If she wants to leave, then go. But go knowing that you are doing this all on your own. This is not a mutual divorce. I have more commitment and dedication to making a marriage work. I understand that there is no greener grass. The pain and hurt have subsided greatly over the past months - but for whatever reason, the love has not. Maybe it will, maybe it won't, only time will tell.....<P>I guess in this world of self-centered attitudes and "don't fix it, leave" mentality, I must look like a dinasaur to most people BECAUSE I still believe in family values, I still believe in commitment, I still believe in MY vows and I still believe and have faith in love. So be it.<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

I could not have said it better myself. I this day and age divorce is far to easy. I truely belieb`ve as you do not in FREAK EVRY THING and RUN but f`rather FACE EVRYTHING and RECOVER. God does not believe in divorce but unfortuanly or actually fortunalty we have free will. BUT thank you for your post

I could have written exactly what you did SoTired. <P>*I* am iniating my divorce. And I still love my husband. <P>In fact, 2 nights ago, we met at a diner for dinner with the kids, had a nice conversation, then he helped me get the kids packed into the car. He came around to my side, and kissed my cheek, and I found myself saying simply, "I love you."<P>And at first, as I drove off, I was berating myself for saying something like that to a man I'm divorcing. But then I realized, it was honest. And that's ok.<P>My life isn't on hold, and I'm definitely not love-sick.<P>I think the key is that I made a decision a long time ago to love my husband unconditionally. And I do. He's a sick man, who has done many terrible things to me, but at the same time he's not a monster. He is a sick, lost soul, and the kids and I pray for him every night. <P>I think you are right, most of society no longer recognizes true deep mature love. Most people seem to think love is about warm fuzzies and self gratification.<P>I think you should ignore what everyone thinks, because no one else can read your heart. As long as you are true to your faith, your conscience, and with God...then no one else's words or thoughts should distract you.

Amen. I've heard the "why don't you just let go" thing a lot too and I've also told people I have let go but my feelings are still there.<BR> If you truly love someone and I mean really love somone and it's not just a passing fancy or lust those feelings never truly go away. It makes me wonder if my stbx really ever did love me the way I did him. I'd like to think so and that his betrayl and abandonment are merely fog and the result of severe emotional problems(of which he has many)but I can never know really.<BR>

i know what you mean, even though my wife has told me that she likes someone else, and she has sat and watched me cry without comforting me. I still love her.<BR>I look at it like this...i can love her, just NOT love the way she is and the things she is doing. Most of the love i feel for her goes back to good memories that I have. Yet i dont know if I would take her back if she wanted to. Cause for me she doesnt seem like the same sweet girl that i fell in love with.<P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>...i can love her, just NOT love the way she is and the things she is doing..<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>EXACTLY....<BR>

Very well put, Mike. I have been astonished and disturbed the same things. And there's more...<P>Just <I>how</I> am I supposed to <I>let go</I> of my love and/or commitment? I could cultivate hatred in my heart, I guess. That's the approach my wife seems to have taken after indifference proved to be inadequate for the task. But there's a price to be paid for that, and it's a price I am not willing to pay. Or perhaps I need to wait for my love to atrophy and die a natural death. But I am skeptical that that will happen as long as I continue to pray for my wife. Prayer and care seem to go together. And I am not willing to stop praying.<P>Letting go of my commitment is just as problematic. What would that do to my sense of my own integrity? My wife is gone. My commitment means nothing to her (at least, not at the moment.) But <I>I'm</I> still here and I think it would be d***** hard to live with myself if I had to give up my faith, hope, love, and self-respect.<P>It would be nice to let go of the pain. For me, the pain hasn't really diminished, although the roller-coaster has pretty much subsided. My pain is now a steady undercurrent, and I don't really expect it to go away. I've been through this process before, when I finally admitted to myself that my church had betrayed me, and <I>that</I> pain is still with me years later.<P>But I can live with the pain. I can be <I>happy</I> in spite of the pain. And if tears come to me far more readily than they used to, well, I rejoice that I am now so much more "in touch" with my emotions.<P>I have learned that I can survive the betrayal of my church, and the betrayal of my wife. I don't want to find out whether I can survive the betrayal of myself.<BR>

I look at it this way (warped as it may be)...<P>The man I married 15 years ago, I still love and have warm fuzzies for...the man who is divorcing me is someone altogether different (I call him "stbx" and I don't like him very much). I am widowed from the man I love (figuratively speaking) because he *died* - and in his place is a person I could never love or even be attracted to...cold, unfeeling, manipulative and cruel.<P>I have effectively split HIS personality in my mind - it's the only way I can allow myself to remember good times and not have them tainted by recent times. <P>But then that's me...I'm a little warped.<P>Lisa

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SoTired2000:<BR><B><BR> ...I understand that there is no greener grass... <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No there isn't. But we aren't the ones who jumped the fence. Someday we'll find another pasture and even if the grass <B>isn't</B> greener, it will be nice to graze again <P>OK, that was pretty, no really bad, but I'm feeling a bit warped myself. <P>I know how you feel though. My family really despises her and can't figure out why I don't. How can I? I adored her. I swore before God, my family and my friends that I would love, honor and cherish her forever. Til death. While I don't care much for the woman that ended my marriage and split up my family, I will always love the girl I married. She's gone now, but I will always have fond memories of some unbelievably wonderful times we had together, and together we made one of the coolest little persons in the world. I miss her terribly, but I know in my heart, I'll never see her again.<P>And if I ever find someone who wants to spend her life with me, I'll promise the same, only I'll do a better job of making sure she always wants me. But I'll always love the girl I married. And a little part of me will always miss her.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by c00ker:<BR><B> I know how you feel though. My family really despises her and can't figure out why I don't. How can I? I adored her. I swore before God, my family and my friends that I would love, honor and cherish her forever. Til death. While I don't care much for the woman that ended my marriage and split up my family, I will always love the girl I married. She's gone now, but I will always have fond memories of some unbelievably wonderful times we had together, and together we made one of the coolest little persons in the world. I miss her terribly, but I know in my heart, I'll never see her again.<P>And if I ever find someone who wants to spend her life with me, I'll promise the same, only I'll do a better job of making sure she always wants me. But I'll always love the girl I married. And a little part of me will always miss her.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Could not have said it better myself....<P>Mike<BR><P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Thanks for all of your support....<P>Feeling a little better...<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Sigh...<P>good question. I have a new friend who is so bitter over his girlfriend of 6 years' betrayal but denies it who thinks that I am crazy because I accept phone calls from my ex and offer him help and support and encouragement. Damnit, I took a vow to honor and cherish him until I died. Why should I stop? People need something they can understand. Black or white. My friends (some of them) think that hate is the opposite of love. It isn't. Apathy is. And I feel neither.

Sotired,<P>My sentiments exactly! I couldn't have said it better myself. I bet that felt real good to express yourself like that, I know I have been wanting to "vent" like that for awhile.<P>Thanks,<BR>Petrie

Hi Mike,<P>...it is because our hearts still love them as a person despite their bad acts. Is this the same as how they 'love' the OP? No, not even close. <P>Ours is a enduring love. Because it has endured much. You and the rest of us have endured so much, too much and yet will continue to endure and love them because that is who we are. There is no logic in that, there is just 'pure love'. <P>Mike, your post was very touching. You don't owe an explanation nor do you have to be embaressed by your feelings. They are your feelings and others need to respect it. You have broken no law by having those feelings so don't get offended when others who do not understand or fully know your situation say or do things to make your feel bad. <P>It is kind of like when you lose a baby or child, most can relate to the loss, but not necessarily all. Some who have never had children may get upset over how long it takes a parent to be able to get back to a normal routine. Sometimes we never really get back to normal. When a woman has a miscarriage, some men & women don't understand the pain. But I think the loss of a mate envokes a similar type of pain. Both are bad, personally losing a baby is harder for me. But this one runs a close 2nd for me. <P>My son loves 'dinosaurs', so do I. So if it takes being old fashioned/dinosaur like in this issue, then so be it. I will always love my H, I just do not love or like what he is doing. I have asked my H to find my real H and send him home to his family. <P>There is nothing wrong with that. The pain of losing our spouses will always be a part of us. Moving on is up to us. <P>Take Care you are not alone. <P>L.

Mike,<P><BR>I guess a lot of people haven't figured out that "hate the sin..love the sinner" and have a hard time understanding<BR>there really IS a difference in the two..the "sin" doesn't make the person who they are..the "sin" is just the actions or inactions of the person..<P>And thats the unconditional side of love..loving them yes<BR>in spite of their actions..just as God loves us in spite<BR>of our actions..<P>When you learn how to love that way, it shows not just emotional maturity...but also a spiritual growth..that a lot<BR>of people never get to know..

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Orchid:<BR><B>It is kind of like when you lose a baby or child, most can relate to the loss, but not necessarily all. Some who have never had children may get upset over how long it takes a parent to be able to get back to a normal routine. Sometimes we never really get back to normal. When a woman has a miscarriage, some men & women don't understand the pain. But I think the loss of a mate envokes a similar type of pain. Both are bad, personally losing a baby is harder for me. But this one runs a close 2nd for me. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Its a little weird that you bring this up. Several months ago I wrote here that I believe part of the reason for all this is to help me grow and learn. I wrote that I used to not understand how someone who has lost a loved-one can actually think about that person EVERYDAY. It amazed me - "everyday" they think about them? Really. That was then. Since my wife has left, I now understand. NOT a single day has gone by where I have not thought about her at least once, or had a memory of her.<P>Now I know. It is a hard lesson to learn, but now I feel that I can be so much more understanding and compassionate to others who have lost their friends/family.<P>I guess everything does happen for a reason, and there are lessons to be learned in every situation...<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

What I found is that we are supposed to be loving to our spouses. It's called unconditional love and Jesus gave it to us so we are to give it back. I keep getting that kind of response too "Give it up" or "Divorce him". I am choosing to stand, despite the fact that he has cheated and moved out.<P>Marriage is a covenant not a contract bound by the Lord. If you love your spouse, GOOD. I am proud of you and will pray for you!