Hi all,<P>Had a pretty stressful night last night with my oldest (14 son). I've been suspecting that for sometime his father has been working a little brainwashing - trying to get my son to want to live with him (and OW) as the custodial parent. Well, last night son just blew up at me out of nowhere - angry at me because I "demanded" his father return the house key to me (I refinanced OUR home and it is now MY home), angry at me because I "won't cut dad's girlfriend any slack" and angry with me because I am angry with his father "and trying to punish dad for leaving an unhappy marriage." "This divorce never would've happened if you hadn't been so stubborn." and a whole lot more...these were almost verbatim things my stbx has said to me as we negotiate through custody/property settlement, etc.<P>Anyway, I recognized it for what it was - anger over my son's family and way of life being destroyed and it was finally bubbling to the surface. I tried to diffuse it by saying most of this stuff was between dad and mom - the divorce wasn't about him, the standard lines...<P>He kept pushing, arguing and blaming me for everything...ending with how his dad had tried so hard to save our marriage and brought up how we had gone to marriage encounter 5 years ago - that our marriage had been in trouble that long and I shouldn't be so hurt or surprised that it ended. <P>That's when my brain left me...and I opened my big mouth and told him the truth. "We went to Marriage Encounter 5 years ago because your father had ended a 7 month affair and we were trying to get back together...it's also the reason we moved here...to get away from her. THAT is why I won't cut his gf any slack...she is just #2 in a scenario I have lived through before, etc."<P>I wasn't shouting...wasn't really even angry...just tired of trying to explain around the truth to protect stbx's past behavior from his son. My motive, honestly, was not to destroy the image of his father to his son...but to have my son understand there were some very valid reasons for my frustrations with his father and OW...things that he didn't know or understand.<P>We talked some more...he seemed to calm way down...but he was very shocked.<P>I don't know what to feel...did I dodge a bullet of having my son go live with his father due to father's manipulation/indoctrination...or did I permanently lodge a bullet in my son by opening my big mouth the the details of the past. Is 14 old enough to need to know the whole truth? I have never been divorced and never been the parent of a 14 year old until now...I am way over my head in unchartered waters and sinking fast I think.<P>Thanks for the ear.<P>Lisa

In my opinion you were not telling him those things to destroy his relationship with his father, you were telling him to protect the relationship between mother and son. You were protecting yourself from his father's lie. Big difference!

Children need the truth. They don't necessarily need the dirty details, but they have a right to know why their worlds have been turned upside down and inside out.

Lisa,<P>Kids are pretty smart, but they don't dream up these things on their own. The key & GF issues sound absolutely like ideas planted in his head.<P>It's a very difficult line to walk, but past the age of about 8 or 9, I think they're smart enough to realize what's going on & deserve to be told the truth. Sometimes the truth isn't what we want to hear, but in the end it's always the best thing.<P>I would love to have my son live with me more permanently, but I would never try to coerce him to leave her. I know he needs to be with his mom as much as me, even though he doesn't like all the time she spends with her boy scout. I honestly have never broached the subject with him, he brought it up. My response was "I love having you with me, but you and your mother need to be together too". He blames the OP for contributing to the breakup of the family, and that's also his own observation, not mine.<P>I think that as long as you are responding to what your son is saying & not initiating the conversation, you are justified in rebutting assertions that are obviously the work of you STBX. My rule is to never start a fight, but don't be afraid to end one.<P>Your STBX is trying to justify his actions to his son. Sounds like someone doesn't like the current situation over there and maybe someone else is a little ashamed or defensive about it, doesn't it?<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again<P><p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited April 19, 2001).]