My story in a nutshell: I have been married for fourteen years, have four children, and have now been separated from my H for almost 6 weeks. Our marriage was over a long time ago, we both grew in different directions but the biggest killer was the fact that we did not communicate at all. The separation was mutually agreed upon.<BR>I have been having a difficult week with my emotions. One minute I'm telling myself I am okay and the next I feel angry and a little hurt and so I must cry to let it all out. The ironic thing is I KNOW our marriage is over...I don't want it back and I'm pretty sure my H doesn't either. Why am I feeling like this? I know it takes a long time to heal....but I seem worse off this week than last. Isn't it supposed to get better? I don't keep my feelings bottled up, and I try to express then when I can to my immediate family members (I am not the only one going through this divorce issue in my family right now). I am even searching for people that I can call friends....friends, of which I really don't have many. I just want to feel better. It's so hard to act normal for my children when inside I want to scream. How long until things get better?<BR>I have taken step number one and have already filed for temp. custody and support. Now it's just a matter of waiting.<BR>So where is my anger coming from? Probably the fact that my H is ignoring me (probably his way of dealing and coping) and I feel when he is around he speaks very condenscending (sp?) towards me. I also feel he isn't seeing his children enough.....<BR>I want to quit worrying about him and focus on myself! Any advice on how to get out of the dumps, especially with children in the house?<P>noteasy4me<P>I'd also like to note that I DO NOT want to get back with my ex. I only want to move on. I do care about his well being still.....just need peace for myself.<P><p>[This message has been edited by noteasy4me (edited April 19, 2001).]

It sounds like you are grieving the loss of your marriage. The feelings must run their course.<P>Anger is one of the stages of grief.<BR>

Hi and welcome. I think that regardless of who wants the divorce it is a really tough situation. In my case I wanted the divorce but that didn't mean that I didn't go through a mixture of emotions, guilt and remorse. If your just starting with the procedures you still have a long way to go. Once temporary orders are in place it seems to be more about money instead of people. That I blame on part with the legal system. I think you also realize how divorce will affect your children and as a parent that loves them that has really got to cause your emotions to go up and down. Give your husband some time in regards to his visitation. He may have reasons why he's not seeing them as much as you had hoped he would. People grieve in different ways. His lack of time with the kids is really tough on them. I know because my ex went two years without even calling his kids and he lived 2 miles from us. You didn't say what specifics make you feel like there is no way to repair your marriage. You are guessing that your husband wants the divorce. Are you guessing or did he really tell you that is what he wants?

Hi,<P>Its very normal to grieve the loss of your marriage, and I don't think anyone can prepare for it, accept it or want it, without feeling a mixture of emotions. <P>You don't mention that anyone else is involved in this issue, such as an OW or OM. Communication is very important, but it is something that you can fix in a marriage if both partners are willing. I hate to see anyone turn to divorce but you will find much support here no matter what happens in the end.<P>I dealt with someone who didn't communicate. It was very hard and you are guessing at whats going on all the time. I myself, don't like to keep things inside either, so I know how you feel in that area.<P>Good luck, Dana<BR>

As far as trying to repair our marriage...well, it has gone too far for that. Both me and my H agree with this much. Neither one of us wants to fix the marriage, we have both given up. This is sad but truth is, I was the one that gave up first. I wanted out a long time ago but just didn't have the courage to do it....I'm rather low on self esteem and just when I thought I was strong enough to speak up, my H would say or do something and I would just tell myself I could stick it out a little longer. This type of thing carried on for over three years! It was not fair to either of us. I know we will both be better people for finally coming to terms and accepting that the marriage is completely over.<BR>There is a OM in the picture now for me....BUT he is not pushing anything on me, he knows what I am going through and respects that I need to work through my feelings for myself. I am not ready for anything along the lines of a relationship now anyway....maybe later down the road but for now all I want around me is friends (talking to them helps me a lot).<BR>I know my H loves our kids it's just that I worry for them. I guess I just see it as if I were in his shoes....I couldn't stay away from my kids for long so therefore I have trouble understanding how he can be this way. I don't badmouth him in front of our children, I tell our kids how much I love them and how much he loves them....it's just that we are going through some difficult times right now. I definitely encourage my kids to talk to me about any issues or problems they have....I believe honestly is the best policy.<BR>I have just been down this week. I know my feelings are normal but that doesn't make it any easier. I need to focus on myself-I know this- and not on my ex. <BR>Thanks for all the advice and encouragement. It helps to get this out.<P>noteasy4me

Hi Noteasy! You will find a lot of support here, and reading other posts has always helped me to gain understanding to my own situation. I too have mixed feelings. I have four beautiful children and our divorce is tearing their little hearts out. But we have deep seated problems. And we both have hurts. I tried counseling, but one person cannot do all the work alone. Ah, well.<BR>It is true. There are stages of grieving -- even over what we know is gone. If I may recommend, it would be better for you and your relationship with this new man if you do not start yet. Be sure you are withdrawn from the love you and your husband once shared (although this may be LONG ago), so that you can give yourself fully to your new love. I cannot stress enough to WAIT WAIT WAIT. Over and over again, I see it in people including myself. Rediscover yourself!!!!! You have been part of two for a long (?) time. and now you are one. Who is that one? When you have discovered that, it will be plenty of time to start a new love. I hope this makes some sense to you. <BR>I am sorry your marriage is over. <BR>

Thank you NoraP. You are so right. I have been married fourteen years....we also have four children. I am discovering new things about myself daily. I know it is wisest to wait on a new relationship....it's just hard when you sometimes really need that special hug. I talk to my family a lot to relieve some of this, and it really does help just knowing there are people who care about me and my feelings. Many of those I talk to have been through the same thing I am experiencing now. I've read everything I can get my hands on relating to coping with a divorce and I know that as more time passes I will feel better. <BR>I'm not rushing anything with this new man. I have feelings for him already but I don't know whether I can fully trust them yet. I'm vulnerable right now...he knows this and has stepped back from me. We talk occasionally but that's about all. I have plenty of time for a relationship with him down the road.....<BR>Thanks to everyone for your good words. It's great knowing there is a place to go to talk with others that are feeling the same.<P>noteasy4me