In looking at the whole picture, it seems that I have things pretty good (reading some of the stories here!). But, none the less, at times it really sucks. <BR>We never had any children, so it is only me that I have to worry about. <BR>A couple of years back, we were doing very well financially & as a couple. When he started his affair, his work suffered tremendously and our expenses had more than tripled since we had purchased a home, new car, etc. Of course he chose to leave me when we are at our lowest (financially speaking) I wonder if he thought; hey I'm not going to give her half of alot, I'm going to make sure we are in debt and have no savings left (plus IRS debt).<P>So, I move out and start my new life with no help from him (like so many here). Everything is starting to snowball. My car is in need of big time repair (he drives a new car), I owe a ton in taxes (because of him), etc., etc. <BR>I haven't called him to vent or cry. I am now on my own and can't expect anything from him. A long time ago he gave me a credit card (in case of emergencies!). Funny thing is I have the better credit rating and had my own credit cards for emergencies. But none the less, it was sweet of him. I never used it.<P>The other night, I was out with his mum for dinner. I think of those dinners with her as therapy. Nothing fancy, super casual. Now, I am pretty stretched financially, but doing okay. I looked in my wallet and pulled out that emergency credit card and bought myself and his mum dinner. In prior posts, I have written about how lavishly he spent and continues to spend on the OW. So I just thought, what harm to come of buying his mother and his wife dinner.<P>Well, I just picked a message up from my home phone. He was ranting and raving about $29.52. He said all sorts of expletives, and rattled on about working hard to stay afloat, and that I'd better cut up that card immediately. <P>Whoa, I don't think I deserved that. He has/had neglected me for so long. Where does he get off. Does he not remember how when we first got married, I had the good job, money in the bank, and good credit. I supported us, so we could save to pay off a huge tax debt (his tax debt), we are talking $80,000.00!!!!!!! And we did it. I had no problem doing whatever it took to build our future.<P>UGH!<BR>Thanks for listening.<BR>Petrie<p>[This message has been edited by REJECTED (edited April 19, 2001).]

You have every right to vent and feel angry. What a louse to do that to you. <P>Although I did not pay off any big debt like that I still feel bitter because I worked full time making decent money while H went to school. I was with him during the lean days struggling to make ends meet. Now when we are financially secure and doing well I get the whole thing pulled out from underneath me. The kids and I go back to counting every penny while Mister it is all about me goes on with barely a hiccup. <P>He gives up nothing as far I can see. He won't suffer financially he will do just fine. His days will be pretty much just like they have been for 2 years. As for me everything changes. The kids lose their full time mom and all the little perks that come with that. I have to go back to work full time. The trade off sucks as far as I'm concerned. And at this point once the spousal support stops I will not be able to afford to stay here. I know people say it is just a house but no, not to me. This is MY home and my childrens home. We live in a great neighborhood and I have lots of really great friends here. My kids can go outside and play w/ friends and feel safe. Having a stable secure home is important.<P>I try very hard to see the good in all this but sometimes the water is just too murky.<P>Guess what I'm trying to say in all this babbling is I UNDERSTAND!!<P>Take Care

Hi Petrie,<P>I'm sorry, but he sounds like a parasite. I am amazed at the types of people I hear about in here.<P>You know, $29.52 doesn't sound like much to complain about. Sounds like a rather small example of a man to me...<P>Take care, it does get better...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

((((((((Petrie)))))))<P>My exH had terrible credit and I was making DOUBLE of him when we met, and thru much of the relationship. At one point, he asked me to "stay home with the kids", and of course at the time, it sounded reasonable. That was when I lost all my control over MY life. <P>He also started spending on everything. I seem to notice that my ex, and a few other guys, that I am just referring to as friends, and well, even myself, tend to spend WAY more when we are upset or have issues bothering us. I didn't notice this until after the fact, but the last few months of my marriage, I was spending more myself. I was upset that my H would rather go golfing the whole weekend and leave me to deal with the kids alone after watching other people's kids for 60 hours a week. So I started shopping ALL weekend!<P>I am not so sure that our spouses would deliberately rack up our debt in the event of leaving, but possibly rather the affair, the fog, etc cause them to not really even think about it in that way. <P>I know that I am working hard to take care of me and my three young daughters, and thank God so far I've been able to do that with no help from anyone, no programs or anything, but its a constant struggle. I have to use coupons, find specials, find free things, etc, but we do have a good life. I learned the HARD way that I will never give up my freedom, career or life again for a man, the right one will have to just "fit" with what I have now in my life. I think I wouldn't have been so hurt if I didn't "live for my husband and kids", and maybe lived for myself a little more.<P>You hang in there and keep fighting! Don't let him or anyone else bring you down! I don't know what the tax situation is, and if this will help, but there is something called "innocent spouse" that can help some people in some situations. It didn't help me, but it could help in some way for someone else.<P>ALso, where I live, we have a "technical" high school. This school has auto shop. If you call, you can bring your car there for the teenagers to work on, keep in mind, the teacher will oversee everything, but it is a way to get your car repaired at a HUGE savings. I don't know if that will help but its an idea anyhow. You might be without a car a few extra days, but the savings might be worth it.<P>Good luck and hugs, Dana<BR>

Thanks all, great advise/support.<P>I have a little update.<P>After work, I went over to my sisters house-I just had to play with the little nephew. I picked up my messages, guess who called?<BR>Husband (I can only call him that for ten more days ), he had calmed down, and said he was sorry for his reaction, and asked me to please not use that particular credit card. He said to go ahead and use a different credit card (one that he has promised to make payments on)and if I'd like to mabey go out to dinner every now and again-he'd pick up the tab, isn't he thoughtful! I have never given him any reason to not trust me, and throughout this hell he has put us through (me really) I have handled myself with dignity, and have never been vindictive. (I'll give myself that)<BR>I'm not even going to ask myself why he couldn't just leave the latter message in the first place???? Oh the cruelty!!<P>About my car; thank God I don't have far to drive to work-it sounded aweful this morning. My brother in law is going to take a look at it-and I think that he'll be able to fix it---and all I'll have to do is buy the parts and bake him a pie!!! <P>As far as the taxes go-I'll just take that one day at a time!<BR>Alls well that ends well!!<BR> <BR>

29.50!!!! I can't believe you did that!! Now, why didn't you have a couple of drinks and desert! 129.50 should have been the total!! hehe....Let him get all steamed up. But, you should have really gotten the drinks and desert. I think it's funny.

BonnieSept, you are funny!!!!!<BR>I hear ya sister. It is comical, and starting now, I'm going to try hard as I might to not let his childish outbursts get the best of me.<P>He really was a good decent man, and I think it is still there in him somewhere. <P> <BR>

I would guess he started thinking about the amount you put on the card and realized that you could have really done some damage with it. Better all you and be Mr. Nice before the next dinner time rolls around!

I'm available next week, pick me up for dinner, your treat! <BR>

Or should we say, "his" treat!<BR> <BR>

Rejected<P>I do identify with your situation. Met H, who had no credit. I had to cosign for him in order for him to receive a credit card. I had the secure job and house. Took out equity loan on my house so he could persue his buy/sell talents. He was successful... However, he did not return the money with interest, just enough to pay off the loan till the next deal came along. Long story, but the upshot is we worked together and came to a comfortable financial situation. Most invested in property (still). Fortunate the cash is not as liquid. <P>Along comes OW who is accustomed to maids, massuese, and high living. At the time of D, I took 70k out of his circulation. H found out ... Could not believe I would ever do such a thing., I should have trusted him in this regard. (He is living on a different planet with OW laying the landscape.)<P>Now, 8 months, long distance EA, expensive spa weekend PA, he suggested we each take half for our own personal use. Told him I would return money to our mutual names and would not take the 50/50 route unless we had legal documents. Reminded him that I was supporting half of the OW expenses since we could only divide what was left.<P>Haven't check my operating account balances recently. (BTW . I have always been the bookeeper for buisnesses) Could be he really did take money out for his own. Will check soon. He is planning this summer near OW, am sure he anticipates showing her a "good time" at our expense.<P>For you, He wants to take you out and buy you dinners ... make them good ones (he has a guilty conscience). <P>If you have any accesible cash left, take half or begin to really pay down the debt. Debt is also 50/50 and you might as well use your mutual resources now. <P>Like your H, mine used to be a descent man but now is totally confused and influenced (fog). I have lost so much respect for this man, that I feel I can move on, with or without him. Of course ... the roller coaster is still in effect. <P>Hey, in our case, disrespect is not such a bad idea as long as we don't verbalize to our H.<P>Hugs, dear. ME<P><BR>

thanks whatami!<BR>I feel so comforted by you all here.<BR> <BR>

Dear Petrie,<P>Wow your story is close to mine. Yep, H left me with having to make the tax installment payments. Between credit card debits, loans and taxes that number is real high. More than my annual salary!! <P>Then H yells at me for leaving lights on. Spending money on buying our son toys (7.99 for digimon toy). Claims I am buying our son toys to make up for the absence of this father. Hmm.... What mentality. Yet H can go out and spend 244.00 on a 3 day vacation with OW. What illogic.<P>Like your H, after he yells for something stupid, he does call and apologize. After doing this soo many times, you would think that it would stop. Just seems like they never learn. They keep yelling, looking stupid and then have to apologize. <P><BR>Well, let's see.... H finally gave me some of the money (1 paycheck) he owes he just for paying his bills (credit cards, taxes, etc.) for this year. A few thousand dollars no less. Oops, I am wrong, that will only cover what I am paying for his insurances, taxes & child care which he is already in the rears on. <P>So, since I have been saving some on the side, I go and buy our son what he has been wanting: Nintendo 64 Pokemon Battle Station Set. On sale at a pretty good price. H is jealous. Wants to know what I spent, how did I get the money. If I have this kind of money, why do I need his money. He has asked those questions off and on over the last couple of months. I told him, it is not a question of my needing the money when he already owes it to me. <P>Now, H thinks I should feel sorry for him because he does not have money to pay his bills (his personal loan, room rent, storage rent, truck payment and the every growing cell phone bill - I think that should be an OW deductible - OW - Mrs. Psyco Babble should pay for it). <P>So my point is that I think you have every right to use what you can get from your H. It is your right to excercise it. I have made a spreadsheet showing what is owed, when and when H actually makes payments toward it and the ongoing balance. Right now he is in the red and getting deeper by the month. I asked H if he was using his calculator so he could see how to plan his budget. H does not like to plan anything since he has been in the fog. His reply was that he did not expect to have his income reduced. He actually 'counted on' making the most money he could and setup his spending that way. Meaning he went for the highest room rent that he could not afford to be closer to OW's place. Now he may have to live with OW or someplace else (street, men's shelter, his moms, etc.) He does not want to come home. As long as he is in contact with OW, I don't want him home either. <P>My little one loves his new game. It helps him take his mind off why his dad is not here. I do not spoil our son but do feel sorry for him. I have been watching how I spend our money, I don't have a choice. Sure wish H would do the same. Actually the only place he can be to get by is here at home with me paying all the bills. But his 'heart' is not willing to let him budge. So he is out there being a fool. <P>Like you, I allowed myself a bit of pampering today. I had company over for dinner and made a nice crab chippino meal. It cost a pretty penny but the company and the food was great. It was definitely a picker upper for me. Of course if H knew how much it cost, he probably would have a cow. That's ok, I feel good.<P>Glad you had a nice time at dinner and an apology from your H.