My husband and I had a structuring conference regarding our pending divorce on Monday. We had met in person before the conference to agree that we would ask for the divorce to be postponed as he is currently in counseling to get his act together.<BR>Being in the court house with him and other couples that were getting divorced was one of the most traumatic things I have ever been through. We were both emotional wrecks.<BR>Anyways, he ended up standing in front of the judge and asking him to withdraw the petition for divorce completely. After a few questions to both of us to make sure we were both hopeful that things could be resolved, the judge smiled and said "I would be more than happy to grant that request". We both said thank you and pretty much ran out of there (I was doing everything I could to not explode in tears!)<BR>So now it's pretty tough because we aren't supposed to have contact for a month(per his counselor so he can make sure he knows what he wants to do with his life and not drag me up and down) and this has been the hardest week of my life. I feel like Monday said so much about what he wants to do with his life........and I don't want him back unless he's better but where do I find the patience to just keep waiting? During our whole separation - the past 14 months, we have never gone more than 12 days without talking to each other.

That sounds hard as hell, but look at the reward. All the effort sould pay off. Wish the best for you.<P>Love, Bill<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

tylerj<P>I was drawn to your topic. You could see why is you see my earlier post (my divorce will be final in 10 days). I would have loved nothing more than for my divorce to be withdrawn. You probably made that judges day, as I am sure it must be aweful to be confronted with marriages breaking up all day. Anyhow, it looks like there is alot of work to be done between you and your husband. I wish you all the luck and I am so happy to hear of a "divorce cancelled". Be patient, as I am sure it will be tough. <P>Petrie

[It really does bring hope into my life to see this k9nd of thing happen GOD does Work! Thank you so much for your post.<BR>Good luck and I hope you have very successful marriage

Thank you all for your support but I guess I didn't give enough information. We have had many false recoveries over the past 14 months and even though I am not ready for divorce I am afraid that this actually might just extend the pain/roller coaster even longer. I just don't understand how he can be apart from me like this.....

Hi Tyler,<P>I collect quotes to cheer myself up when I am down. This one was taken from a book that I read, and mostly to do with success, but I thought of this when I read your post.<P>"The Ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term, is the indispensable prerequisite for success" (Brian Tracy).<P>I know its a mouthful, but I read this one each day because of an issue I'm dealing with. I look at it like , if I'm patient work harder now, then end result will be all the better.<P>Good luck, Dana<BR>

Take the time to prepare yourself mentally for the coming together. While I don't know about recovery, I have read that it can be just as difficult as what has led up to having to recover. There are alot of things that need to be worked upoon.<P>I am happy for you and Jealous. I want it to be me but right now, it isn't happening. I just started the divorce process.<P>Hopelessmom

Tylerj I can relate to your story. My H who had the A filed for divorce against me last wk. Came home told me thats WHAT he wanted for sure. That our marriage was hopeless, I cant change enough etc etc. Then that night we went to counseling and he broke down said he is cancelling the divorce and that OW pressured him to do it. Our counselor told us to think the words DAMAGE CONTROL. He said for us not talk about the A or D topics and not to even touch each other. Counselor is seeing us separately for a few wks. I am a forgiving person but NOT a patient person. In this case I am summoning ALL the patience I can muster for the sake of my 3 kids and the 15 yrs of marriage I want to continue. Pray for patience. I am - of course it is hard but so is marriage and so is divorce court. lifeismessy

TJ,<P>In a lecture Dr. James Dobson said, "Without extreme controversy there is no change". I hope that your at the point at which you are willing to change and your spouse is at that same point. You don't change for each other, you change for yourself. The time away is needed to focus on yourself. If you rush right back together and the "extreme controversy" is pushed aside, then you will be back to this board with no hope. Make sure that you are ready. Pray for patience and understanding. Like others I am so JEALOUS of you right now. I would give my left arm to be in the position of hope rather than hopelessness. You have control and many of us have lost that long ago. Have a great weekend, reflect on the good times, and dream of the good ones yet to come.<P>((((HUG))))<P>Love, Bill<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

<small>[ August 06, 2004, 10:36 AM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

So as usual, my husband has flip flopped again and a few weeks ago we had a very tearful goodbye. I haven't talked to him in 15 days - which is the longest through this whole year and a half mess that we haven't talked to each other. I finally gave in and called him and left a message at work. I didn't ask him to call me just left a quick message. I guess I just kind of assumed that he would call me anyways. Well he hasn't. The only thing that I am holding on to is that he may think I am out of the office until next week because earlier this week my voicemail said that. But that would be assuming, he's tried to call me and heard that message earlier this week, chances are pretty slim. So the reality is, he has been the one going back and forth dragging this thing out and not letting me let go and now I call him and he doesn't return my call just to say hi. It hurts quite a bit.

((((((tylerj))))))<P>So sorry to hear about your latest developments. This roller coaster ride can be extremely hard at times. You can pull through this, whatever the outcome. <P>I'm curious as to what has happened since your last post almost a month ago.<P>Love, Bill<BR>

Almost immediately he flip flopped and said that he maybe he just felt pressured. We had a few conversations, but basically he still hadn't given up OW and I can't accept her anymore. He claims he doesn't love her and doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with her so I just won't tolerate him being with her. The last time we talked was 2 weeks ago and we both agreed that this roller coaster can't go on anymore and said goodbye. His reason that he can't be with me(and I don't know if I believe this anymore) is that he can't deal with the pain that he has caused me and with the person that he is. Being with me reminds him of the person that he is not. At this point - I have nothing really left to say. I have no idea if he is still continuing counseling for himself and no idea why he wouldn't return my call if only to leave a message.

Again, I'm sorry to hear how things are going. I know that it is extremely diffucult things can be right now. My wife filed and moved out on me 12 days ago. We've already had our first court hearing for temporary orders. Believe it or not my spirits are higher now than they've been in the last two months. Maybe because I'm moving in a direction, not the direction I want, but atleast moving.<P>As for your husband, I think your probably right he is not happy with the person he has become. A lot of his actions can probably be blamed on the "guilt" that he is experiencing right now.<P>I'm just starting to see that in my wife a little. I believe she is feeling guilt. Through our whole process I have been nice and non-arguementative. I think it's starting to soak in a little. She tries to argue and I just won't. I believe that in her mind that she is finding it hard to justify the divorce when I'm nice to be around, always in a good mood, and living life.<P>Went on a little to long about myself but I was trying to make a point. You need to be working on taking care of yourself. There will still be ups and downs but the downs don't last near as long.<P>Love, Bill<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-