Hi Everyone,<P>It was a long time coming 6 months to be exact. Took me 6 months & 35 pounds to actually believe this could happen to us let alone me. But it did, and that is what I have accepted & am now trying to, with Gods help to not go the distance all the way to the big "D".<P>My W is totally withdrawn, she is a INFJ & I was a ESTJ, although have changed a bit to a ENTJ. She has the appartment, will soon have the separation papers, & we are working together for our 9 year old son at joint custody. She leaves on next Tuesday the 1st of May.<P>What I have not been able to quite put my finger on is how to, or if I even should except for my son, maintain contact with my W. She has stated that she planned on taking this separation slowly, as she does not know if she wll ever be capable again of actually dating let alone a relationship - (that one hurt a lot) I guess time will tell. <P>I had planned on giving her a letter in a locked box that I would in 3 months sent the key with a dozen roses - also with a small personal gift or two. This letter basically was to humbly state my feelings for her in baby steps, by never asking her all the way back - & that even though I know she would not be able to consider being my W again, she might like to consider a date. To soon, to stupid, or is this to early, or to late?? I love my W & find it tragic to know that I could probably be a wonderful partner for her in ways that she may now have given up on. <P>Well any thoughts would be welcome, or request for further info on my "situation".<P>Slow & Steady (its not a race - advice I will try also),<BR>May God Bless You & keep the Son shining on you Always,<P> <P>------------------<BR>StarCrossed<P>[This message has been edited by starcrossed (edited April 22, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by starcrossed (edited April 22, 2001).]

Starcrossed,<P>My advice would be to read what you can here on the site, and work on Plan A. After you've been on that a while, you can then decide to move into Plan B and decide about contact with the stbx. But before your truly ready to give up, you should be in Plan A. <P>I like the idea of that letter in the box, I've never heard of anything like that, but it sounds like a very nice idea. I don't know about flowers and a few gifts, but at least the letter and flowers are nice.<P>I remember when my ex was in the confusion, if I pushed too hard, or invaded his space too much, it made matters worse. You can show her your love by your actions, more than the gifts.<P>Anyway , thats only my opinion, but I know in my current relationship, the actions mean more than a gift. <P>Good luck , Dana<BR>

Thanks Dana,<P>No prob on the gift deal, actions are better I agree, the flowers (nice plant from florist that doesn't die sounds better) are just a way to send the key to open the locked box, rather than just mailing it, or saying "here", afterall I am asking a beautiful woman out on a date. <P>To give you some idea of "situation" although there has been no affair I have read post that state plan A is more than just for affairs. I have actually been doing plan A although I can't say I've been 100%. If you have read a rather large post over on Emotional Needs (name now Impulsive) 337 post, 23 pages & counting - we are similar.<BR>My W told me 6 months ago she wanted out, a separation & she meant it - she had come back from her parents where her Mom just lays in bed all day from the depression of a failed marriage (& Dad who reminds W of me acts like an [censored]). <P>Oh don't getg me wrong I have made many, many errors in judgement - to me glass was always half full - to W it was always half empty: turns out we had half a marriage. I see no way to positively encourage my W to stay at this time. My W sees this as something she must do to prove to herself that she can stand on her own - she told me the only way to get her back now (& 6 months ago) was to let her go. I having treated her very badly & have 0 love units in my bank & maybe (probably) some negative. <P>My problem was at 17 I was into drugs, left the drugs behind by cutting all ties to old friends & neighborhood - wound up alone 30 years later not realizing that I also gave up my humanity & compassion for my fellow man. I used to joke how I could never be a racist because it was easier to hate everyone - well in time you turn around & realize you have become one of your own stupid mean jokes. Much like I never shut-up with my W I feel like I am rambling again - so I will stop.<P>If I can tell you anything specific just ask, I also ordered just about every book on the MB website after your post. <P>Thank You Again,<BR>God Bless,<BR>Slow & Steady (its not a Race),<P>Tim <p>[This message has been edited by starcrossed (edited April 23, 2001).]