Howdy folks. <P>Last friday I was driving home thinking about the topic of finding oneself after a divorce. I'm making good progress on this front. Then it hit me. Rage, Pure haterd, absolutly no love what so ever for my STBXW, period. The haterd that would keep a person warm in the winter. The kinda of anger that makes your blood boil, that you can't believe she is sucking the same air as you in the same continent. <P>I was so angry that it took more than 3 hrs of racquestball to work it off. <P>Then I started to wonder if you really don't need time to find yourself as much as you need time to let the poison of a bad marraige get out of your system like a rattlesmake bite. I'm I making sense here? You really don't relearn yourself, you just uncover the real you that was buried deep?<P><BR>Comments welcome..<P>Tex<P><BR>

I know this feeling. There was a long time when I really wanted to take boxing lessons. REALLY wanted to. Actually got the phone book out and looked up numbers. Then I thought about what that might do to my wrists. Didn't do it. <P>It's been a while now but there are times when I still feel a bit of that rage. Usually when I am overwhelmed and feel that I'm in over my head.<P>And as for getting to know myself. I spent so long as his wife and so long as a mother, that I still don't know that I know myself. I never lived alone until he left and then I had two children to care for. So there's never been tons of time for me.<P>But slowly I do feel myself unfolding. Like a flower in very slow motion. <P>

I don't know. This wasn't a roller coaster kinda thing. <P>It (the haterd) just popped into my head and stuck there for awhile. The thing that surprised me was the rawness and depth of the emotion. Never have I felt this way..<P>In the aftermath I now find it very EZ not to talk to the STBXW. I'm very,very close to the D being final. I guess I was expecting this type of thing when this whole thing got started a year+ ago.

Boy can I relate!<P>I never knew I had such depth of rage and anger available to me in my emotional psyche...it really rears its ugly head when I am forced to acknowledge that my children are, at times, in the same house with OW and stbx who pretend that THEY are one big happy family and I never existed...rejection syndrome I believe.<P>I try not to let it consume me...but each time stbx does something stupid...it just sort of oozes to the surface. You are not alone.<P>Lisa

<BR>When I feel the anger coming to the surface I try to push it down again. Mabey I've been supressing it, because I feel guilty when those thoughts come in my head. Like you (a good man in TX), I work out HARD-almost like I am trying to run away from the pain and totally exhaust myself so I can sleep and escape.<P>I think my family and friends think I'm ready to blow at any time! I think thus far I've handled things pretty well, although tears will flow from my eyes at the drop of a hat-mabey that is my way of dispelling the anger. <P>My divorce will be final on April 30th-Already I am worried about how I will handle this. <BR>There she blows!!!!!!!!!!!! <P><BR>Hope not!<BR>Petrie <BR>

<BR>When the anger hits...boy can it be overwhelming...<P>Playing raquetball is a great idea. Work it out, write it out, get it out!!<P>I learned the hard way, that suppressed anger turns into depression. It will eat you from the inside out.<P>My suppressed anger nearly killed me - and it did cause my children to endure 2 years of horrible neglect.<P>Finding out who you are takes time. It just means paying attention to your own needs, and fulfilling those needs. Eventually, day by day, you start to realize that you are becoming a real individual!

OK, we all have anger for being rejected, and yes, alleviating it with a physical workout to increase<BR>endorphines, and soothe the psyche is one way;<P>but, let me ask these questions:<P>Suppose, just suppose, that we are better off where we are now/will be than where we were and could have ended up?<P>Suppose, just suppose, that the X's are better off with someone else? Suppose they find someone else that they CAN communicate with, where we couldn't? suppose they find someone that they can be a twosome in a mutual admiration society, where we couldn't?<P>If they really, truely, are better off with someone else,<BR>and in my case i know its true, can the anger be tempered? Can we chalk it up to lack of experience and knowledge about life and relationships to pick poorly, or to be of poorly bred stock that we married beneath ourselves?<P>Let me say, I have always felt out of place to a certain extent with my family, since I was the only NP person, and was surrounded with J persons. I of course picked a J person to mate with, similar to my family of origin, but<BR>the same issues came up in my marriage as in my family of origin. .. . . <P>could it be we will be better off when we understand ourselves, and know what we want, and then vigorously pursue it?<P>just thinking out loud. . . .

Interesting topic. <P>I think that from the people I have talked to on MB, there are many many women trying to "find themselves" again. Women tend to get consumed by the marriage, her husband and her family. They take care of so much at home, and usually a full time job too, that there isn't as much freetime for them. I'm not saying all, but I can think of a lot of women personally on the board that this has happened to. Some of our ex's, kept up the extra cirricular activities (which is good, don't get me wrong), but when the marriage ends, its hard to feel like you just lost your whole life. You do have to find yourself again because for so long you were known as that couple, in my case it was always Rob and Dana, not just Dana.<P>I started writing again, something I did before I got together with my ex, 11 years ago, actually, now 12. Recently I started working out, and it is a great release for stress, not just anger.<P>I think it takes a strong person to say what Tom stated, that just maybe we weren't right for each other. I can relate to that. I loved my ex, but I have learned a lot from here and others, and he and I were not compatible. I'm not saying I wasn't devesated when this all happened, I was, and I've also experienced that hatred that good man is talking about. But in the end, I had to face the fact that I was not as perfect as I thought. I know I tried my hardest, and I would have never cheated or given up if he wanted to try, but then one day, I just had enough.<P>I think we all need to find ourselves though after an affair hits our life. You face a lot of issues, like what's wrong with me, what did I do to deserve this, what does she have that I don't. You go from blaming yourself, to spouse, to OP. In the end, when our spouse leaves, there is a huge hole left in our life. Not that we need to replace it with another partner, but fill it in with friends, hobbies, and some well needed fun.<P>I think its' good to get that anger out, or it is really unhealthy.<P>Anyway, just my opinion on the topic, hugs, Dana<BR>

My question is: As per topic: Are we really finding ourself's or are we just de-toxing from the relationship? <P>I find my friends (that have known well before the marriage) telling me they are glad to see me back.. Are we just getting rid of the poisin? In my case I don't think I'm redifining myself as much as the old me coming back to the surface.. <P>Tex.<P>

I think that it is a little of both. I've been told by a those close to me that they are starting to see the old "Petrie" coming out. Part of that old Petrie is a person who isn't depressed and alot more outgoing (I withdrew from family and friends early on)<P>My marriage was a good one before my husband started his affair-so I don't feel much de-toxing going on. I guess I am finding myself-by way of now being alone. And those close to me are happy to see the old me re-surface (as she was and still is a pretty neat person), this is something I am trying to believe! It, I guess is all part of learning and growing through divorce.<P> <BR>

I think that the anger is part of the healing proccess. It's just like the steps one has to take with a death and anger is one of those steps. I to am right now filled with alot of rage. I pretty much dispise my EX. I also though feel the way that WIFTT feels. I know that I am better off without my EXH and that his new wife is probably more of what he needed in his life. It is hard though to get past the rejection and all of the losses that come with it. <BR>I try not to surpress my anger. If I'm mad I usually go take a drive down a country road with my old car and drive the hell out of it. (Used to be the only girl stock car driver on our local track)(Who knows NASCAR watch out! LOL)<BR>I think a person needs to do what makes them feel better. <BR>Usually I know when I'm having a harder time with my feelings. That is when I find myself here trying to get answers or at least posts by others that validate my feelings. So I guess you can tell what kind of day I am having. <P>I think the old saying that time heals old wounds is kind of right. The scar will forever be there but eventually the pain will go away and we just have to wait it out.<P>Jill<P>------------------<BR>live for today for there may not be a tomorrow

Anger changes who we are and how we respond to things. It allows us, I think, to see things a little more clearly AFTER the dust has settled. It is like purification by fire. Getting us to the root of who we were. So I think it is part of the "getting back to who we were." A purging of sorts.<P>As for the poison, as long as it is there, we are still someone else. Different from what we were, and different from what we will be. The real you is covered over by the relationship and the anger. So yes, I agree with you that it is more about letting time heal--for lack of a better cliche.

I'm fully divorced and with someone else... and yet, I *still* feel anger toward what ***could*** have been if my ex would just have, oh, I don't know, TRIED!?<P>Every so often, like when I just wrote this, it surfaces again, but for the most part, I just feel sorry for him -- honest to God.<P>I have been at the raquetball kind of anger too... although it was much easier for me to just eat and sit on my butt... but that's something that my therapist and I discussed at length... but I digress... that's just me.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Interesting statement NB!! Thinking back on it Or at least looking back at the trigger thought that's what it was. It could have been great, if she just TRIED.!! <P>But now looking back Maybe she was trying and I just couldn't hear or see it. as I KNOW I tried. Maybe she just couldn't see or hear it either?? The sorry thing is I much care.. I feel so much happier now. <P>GSD. I used the posion analogy with the thought that the posion was introduced into the marriage. However I liked the fire response. The fire could rid the root or core being of toxin. Or purification. <P>Interesting. <BR>Tex.