Hey everybody. This is my first time ever in a chat room. My husband moved out 8 weeks ago. He tells me he does'nt want to be married anymore. He wants to be alone and only responsible for himself. I asked him to give us a second chance, but he said he does'nt want to try. I don't think there is anyone else. He swears there is not, but he recently moved into his own apartment and he won't tell me where it is. He says he still loves me and we have beem intimate 4 times in these 8 weeks. He called me today and said he is coming over tomorrow after work. I am so nervous. I have begged him to give us a second chance. I have told him I am willing to do whatever he wants. One of our big problems is no children. No problem. I have always wanted children, just not now. I can move my time line up. How to I let the person I love the most just walk out of my life without a fight???????

((((((((((((((((((((((hearbreakinsa))))))))))))))))))))))<P>Well, have you found the right place or what. This board is far better than any support group you will find. We are always here. We're open 24/7, no need to wait for the next group meeting.<P>This board is an absolute goldmine of people who have a better grasp of relationships than most counselors. I'm not saying the people here are perfect (I'm recently divorced myself), but we have paid our dues and can offer you the unconventional wisdom you need.<P>My short story. X wanted a seperation which she got. X was having an affair. I threatened divorce about the time she found out OM was seeing someone else. We get back together. X starts talking and seeing OM again (unknown to me at the time). I find out. I still try to save my marriage. She files for divorce. I push for primary custody of daughter. We are divorced (1 week now). I get primary custody of daughter. She is wearing a promise ring from OM. She is still miserable.<P>When one ends up in a mess like this, they do everything they think is right. It is sad to say, but usually this makes things worse. Most people who get into this mess didn't have the skills to stay out of it in the first place. Therefore, they definitely don't have the tools to get out of it. Massive education is the key. You must keep an extremely cool head in order to prevail. Anti-depressants may be necessary so that you can think clearly.<P>First, <P>STOP BEGGING!!! Let me repeat that, STOP BEGGING!!! Think about this for a moment. Can you love someone who is at your feet pleading with you? Additionally, more often than not, the person left behind clings to the person leaving and this intensifies the need of the person leaving to escape. They feel trapped in a "bad" relationship. Don't try to cage him. Leave the door wide open. I'll get back to this in a minute. He must be with you because he wants to be with you, not because you want him to be with you.<P>Second,<P>I strongly believe that he is having an affair. Unless you are the most horrible person on the planet, he would not just leave and be alone (unless he has a mental illness or some serious problem from his past). Since he married you, I doubt you are horrible. What does your gut tell you? Trust it. It is seldom wrong.<P>Third,<P>Don't let him make you think that you are the problem if he is having an affair. Most people on this board who have dealt with a spouse having an affair will agree that an affair is the most addictive drug known to man that it makes the addicted unable to think clearly. (in the "fog" as we say around here) These people are usually feeling extremely guilty because they know they are breaking their marriage vows and will look for any reason to blame the betrayed spouse (BS) to justify what they have done. Rational arguments will not work with these people. Reason does not work. All they can see is their fantasy.<P>Forth, <P>If he is having an affair, it is entirely his fault. You may have contributed to the decay of the marriage as did he, but he is entirely at fault for an affair. He chose to do it. Remember this. (I think Harley says that you are at fault for the affair too, but I disagree entirely. This is about the only thing I disagree with him on.)<P>Fifth,<P>Thank your lucky stars that you do not have children. If you think keeping a marriage together is tough without children, it will be impossible with them.<P>0. patience (I needed to put this at the top)<BR>1. stop begging<BR>2. stop clinging to him<BR>3. simply tell him you love him and want to be with him, but if he wants to go, he can go (most likely, he will start to second guess himself and want to come back)<BR>4. if he is having an affair, get Harley's "Surviving an Affair" and learn about Plan A and Plan B<BR>5. avoid "love busters" at all costs (another Harley book)<BR>6. stand up strong, show your love for him, and use this time to work on yourself<P>Affairs are all about the people having them. They are built upon fantasy and usually fall apart.<P>Your story has been played out time and time again. Read everything you can here. You will see your spouse and you here over and over again. Unfortunantely, you are not the first and you will not be the last. Read Harley's books. It is scary how accurate the stories are. I'll bet you can substitute your spouse's name and your name with the husbands and wives in the books and perfectly describe your situation.<P>You can choose to ride the rollercoaster (go up and down emotionally for the next year or so) or you can choose to let your husband do it by himself. If I were you, I'd step off and just watch. Hindsight is 20-20. If you don't understand this, read this board until you do.<P>Again, we're always here. If you need to vent, vent. If you have a question, ask. If you have some insight, state it.<P>I don't know what I would have done without these boards.<P>There are some really insightful people here. I'm farther along than many, but I'm astounded by the amount of wisdom some people here have. <P>Kevin<P> <P> <P>

Dear Hearbreakinsa,<P>I am truly sorry you are having such problems to bring you here to this sight. You have chosen a good place to start since this site is primarily directed to rebuilding one's marriage. There are other benefits also, those of us here have learned that it takes 2 to make and break a marriage. <P>This means both can have a part in the recovery. I am going to recommend that you post your story on the "just found out" site. Also there is a poster NSR who gives all new comers a welcome post and shows you how to best benefit from what is offered here at Marriage Builders.com. This is not an advertisement. I have used the information here and presently working hard on trying to recover my marriage. Yes, it takes 2, most of the work here however are often done by 1 of the mates. The time invested here is valuable for working on restoring your marriage. <P>There is always benefits to be felt. Ask all who have been here a while. Even those who have been divorced still come here regularly and offer valuable advice. Please post your story and read NSR's welcome post. At the "just found out" site, you will see many who are just coming in and sharing their story. There is a general questions site, recovery site, pregnancy/child site and many others. Don't think that you have to jump immediately to the divorcing/divorce site. There is much to be learned from a visit to the other sites. In addition to that there are writeups, books such as his needs/her needs, givers/takers/, surviving an affair and others. Then the administrators of this site off phone counseling sessions for couples or individuals. An interesting tool is the questionnaires provided to help us find out what our needs and the needs of our mates. <P>Please take the time to review all this information. Then you will be better equipped to deal with your situation and possibly help your mate. <P>Welcome to the marriage builders forum. <P>L.

Hearbreakinsa,<P>Welcome to the board. I am so sorry that you find yourself here and in this situation. "Father of 1" has given you some really good advice, please take it to heart. There are people here in every possible situation. Don't be afraid to post all of your feelings or all of your situation. We all look to each other for support and to get the perspective of others. A lot of times it is easier to see problems from the outside. Keep your chin up.<P>Why is your husband coming over today?<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

hearbreakinsa,<P>Ditto to what "father of 1,husband of 0" wrote to you!!!<P>In reading your post, to me, this "flag" reared it's ugly head:<P>"He swears there is not, but he recently moved into his own apartment and he won't tell me where it is."<P>Hang in there! You've come to the right place to work on yourself and try to save your marriage!<P>Ragamuffin<P>

Thank you all so much. <P>My heart still tells me that he is not having an affair, but my brain tells me it is a real possibility. <P>He is like a different person. The man I have been married to for the last 6 1/2 years would never do the things he is doing now. How does a person change that much?<P>I agree that I should stop begging. It will be hard, but I am not going to do that anymore. <P>The pain is so bad sometimes that I am not sure how I am going to make it through this. I have great parents and a few great freinds who are there for me whenever I need them.<P>I am not sure why he is coming over tonight. He did'nt say. He called me twice yesterday and when we talk he seems normal. We have these nice conversations about all kinds of topics. He has even told me that he wants us to be friends that spend time together, but he just does'nt want to be married anymore. I don't understand and I am so confused. We went to 2 marriage counseling appointments together. He was willing to go. At the last session he said he saw no need to come back, because he did not think his feelings would change. He offered to go back with me but only to support me, not to keep the marriage together. After that last therapy session he asked if I wanted to get something to eat. He started talking about a mediator vs. lawyers and I was in shock. I had written down all the good things about our relationship the night before and I had the paper in my purse. I did'nt know if I should give it to him or not. I decided to. He started reading it and then started crying like a baby on the patio of the restaraunt we were at. Then he heard a song on the speakers and said it was Sara McClauton (?). He said the CD was good. I had listened to it a couple of times, but he has it now. He said he wanted to buy me the CD because a couple of the songs were real good and he wanted me to hear them. So we walk over to Border's books and he buys me this CD. What was that all about?????? I have listened to the CD and it is all about lost loves. <P>This was 3 weeks ago and since then he came over one Sunday for a few hours and we talked. Then we had lunch about 2 weeks ago and talked some more. Last Monday he called to come pick up the TV from upstairs in the loft and maybe the stereo. We had a horrible arguement and that is when I started begging. Tuesday he came over while I was at work and took the TV and left $1000 for bills. Thursday he called me to make sure I was'nt upset. Sunday I saw his mother, father, sister and one of his best friends at this event in a park. He called me yesterday and told me that his sister and friend called him to let him know they saw me. That is when he said he would be coming by.<P>I have to run, but I want to thank all of you and I will talk to you again soon.<P>Thanks.

Sorry, your H is having an Affair. Most spouses become "someone else" that the BS has never seen before. I have been married 13+ years and have said same thing. Most of us to. The WS is in some other fantasy land that you don't know how or want to enter. I doesn't allow for rational thinking on his part what so ever. You must understand , He is UNABLE to hear you and your RATIONAL thoughts. It is a waste of your breath and your emotions. If you continue to try and "talk" to him you will jump on the roller coaster. The little nice things he does, he does unconsciously and it helps relieve HIS GUILT, not to make you feel better. This is about him, not you.<P>GET THOSE BOOKS QUICKLY. The are life savers and marriage savers BEFORE you do/say anything more. The more you understand what is happening the more likely you can cope with it in its early stages.<P>We are all here. Read, read, read. <P>And no, PLEASE don't have children NOW because HE WANTS THEM. I have 3 small kids and am divorcing now and divorce is WORSE ON THEM THAN YOU. Don't , don't don't bring children into a home that is in a state of confusion or to get someone to stay. It is not fair to the kids. <P>While my heart is broken, my heart breaks even further because of what their father is doing to them because he is a SELFISH B******.<P>Peace,<P>Hopelessmom (see the name says it all)

hopelessmom,<P>You took the words right out of my mouth.<P>It's really pretty simple though. All WSs seem to use the same play book.<P>hearbreakinsa,<P>Here's the kicker. If you can keep it together (this will take months), learn everything you can and apply it, you stand a real chance at saving your marriage. If not, you will learn invaluable information on how to keep a marriage alive. <P>Having said that, don't feel bad if your marriage falls apart. It takes two to maintain a marriage and he CURRENTLY has no intention to do so.<P>Given enough time and if YOU don't pressure him too much, his fantasy with the OW should fall apart (it is built on lies, secrecy and deceit, right?) and he should snap out of the fog. It is only then that you both can restore your marriage and possibly build it into something much better than you had before.<P>Now, don't let him keep you on the hook. Like I said, stop begging. If he thinks he can keep playing you, he will. Stand up strong and tell him you love him, but what he does is up to him. The Plan A and Plan B stuff is pretty good, but it may take some "tough love". Check out "Love Must be Tough" by Dr. Dobson.<P>Stay off the rollercoaster, let him ride it alone. Work on yourself. If he is having an affair, don't have one yourself. His breaking the marriage vows does not entitle you to do the same. Besides, he will then have a wonderful reason to then point the finger at you. It will be tough being by yourself at first until you figure out what to do with yourself, then it will get much better.<P>We'll be here.<P>Kevin<p>[This message has been edited by father of 1, husband of 0 (edited April 24, 2001).]

Thanks Hopeless Mom and Kevin. I'll be in touch soon.

Dear hearbreakinsa, <BR>I am in the same boat as you are. When I read your post, I almost though that I posted it during my sleeping walking.<BR>Your H is having a A. My H want a D and told me he can not see our life together any more about 4 month ago. At that time he told me there wasn't anybody else. After he realize that I just won't give up our marriage, he told me the truth and hope that will let my heart die for him(2 month ago). I feel you still want your marriage to work out and I will tell you that you still have hope.<BR>When my H told me about the OW. All he want is a D ASAP and he will not touch me or stay with me. I tried every thing, begging, crying and even went to the ER. He told me that he will not change his mind and will not go connseling( he did went with me couple times to "help" me). Although all the things I did then is not what people think the right thing to do. But it did slow the things down for me.<BR>Second weekend after the D-day, I plan a suprise vacation for him. Couple weeks after that I suprise him with a pair of Hockey tickets. We had good time, but he still said he will not change his mind. I believe that your H will go along with you if you plan some thing nice for him, his guilt will make him do it. Then you bough you time that way.<BR>It has been 2 month now, my H still want to be with the OW, bit he has not mention the D for 3week<BR>

(sorry! I will finish it this time)<BR>He had his mind set again this Monday to move out in order to have more time to be with the OW, but after a long talk( mostly from me), he stayed. When they are in fog they never know what they really want. You do have a chance. <BR>I think what's most important is find a way to understand what's really going on in his life. Even he does have a A, you want to know in order to deal with it face to face. When every thing put on the table you will know what card you are going to use next. How can you win a war without knowing who your enemy is.<BR>Take it slow, I agree for a divorce in ordre to get some pressure out of my H. But after faceing the reality, he put it on hold till this day( cross my fingers and toes). Some time a step back is a step forward! <BR>I am still in deep water now, but one day at a time is my goal. Let me kown what happend and we all care about you!