My 21st wedding anniversary would have been tomorrow -- that means it's *reflection time*... at least for a year or two, I would think... and yet another reason to take time before jumping into another relationship, I am certain... <P>That aside for the moment (since I didn't take everyone's advice and did indeed jump in too soon)--<P>When I think back over the course of my 20 year marriage I remember good times, and bad times, and very bad times... <P>I remember the marriage renewal service we had five years after his first affairs - it seemed we had recovered, and it was beautiful...<P>...and how I was left 100 miles away from my family with three small children and miscarried another child -- and he wasn't there...<P>I remember the look on his face when I made him laugh<P>...and how I layed on the kitchen floor in the fetal position as he stood over me yelling...<P>I remember our first apartment, and how "grown up" we felt<P>...and how he wrote "You are a pig" with red lipstick on the wall...<P>I remember picking out the wedding bands after we were married, since we eloped and used what the chapel had (friendship rings - turned our fingers green in two weeks)<P>...and how we had to sell those rings to a pawn shop two years later...<P>I could go on and on and on, as you all know I can do...<P>Do you think back like I do??? What do you remember? Do you "forget" the bad, ignore it, seeth with the pain of it??<P>Just feeling thoughtful today, as I said... and wondered if anyone else feels as I do...<P>

There wasn't much "bad" in it. It was actually pretty nice, while it lasted. I don't think of it too much lately. If I ever feel any disappointment about my marriage, it would be that it ended.<P>But I remember her scent...<P>her foot against me in bed...<P>her laugh when I did something silly...<P>and what a great family we had...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Sheryl,<P>I, too, remember good times and bad. But I seem to remember more bad than good. <P>I remember buying our wedding bands a week before we got married..<P>But I remember him ripping it from my finger and telling me I didn't deserve to be married to him..<P>I remember how excited we were to be building our home..<P>And how he managed to put holes in the walls and doors...<P>I remember how excited we were to be pregnant for our second child...<P>And he left a week after we found out, for 10 days...<P>How excited he was to be a father to our first son...<P>But how he belittled him and called him a [censored]...<P><BR>For every good thing I can think of, I can think of one or more bad thing to go along with it. <P>Mitzi <P>

Hi c00ker and Mitzi,<P>Thank you for validating what I think I already knew...<P>I feel bad, and then feel bad for feeling bad! Mostly, I have middle-ground memories -- the very good or very bad are there too, but I try to forget (although Mitzi, we had to repair a door or wall in EVERY place we EVER lived)...<P>I always wondered how a person could fall in love with someone new after that intense a love, and now I have done it, but I can't forget (and I guess I'm not suppose to) the first 20 years of my adult life.<P>Life is good for me, for the most part, right at this moment... but the memories flood back every so often... I guess that's pretty normal. I just can't hate David, as much as some days it would be so much easier.

That brought a tear to my eye Nick. So many memories are replayed in my mind from my marriage. What gets replayed are the good memories, as that is what my marriage pretty much consisted of, at least up until he started his affair.<P>When we first got married, we lived in a tiny little duplex. We froze in the winter and boiled in the summer! Living there allowed us so much freedom and to get a real jump start on our financial lives. My mother told me that I'd look back on those days as some of our best. You know,she was right. <P>Taking quick trips up the coast (those memories are really in the forefront of my mind)<BR>Entertaining with friends<BR>Going to the beach after church <BR>Talking sports<BR>Making love, anytime<BR>Getting together with friends<BR>I even miss, scratching his back and running my fingers through his hair<BR>His body next to mine-that is a biggy.<P>So so many<BR>There really are few bad memories that I am left with from my marriage-although the end is, was, and will always be a bad bad memory.<BR>Petrie<P>One other thing, do you think that my xh ever allows the memory of me to enter his thoughts?<P><p>[This message has been edited by REJECTED (edited April 25, 2001).]

Gee Sheryl,<P>You were lucky! You got repairs done! <P>I still have to look at mine. One of these days, I'm gonna teach myself how to patch holes in drywall! LOL<P>Mitzi

That is my question, Rejected, wondering if WS's who left ever allow themselves the time to reflect on what they left. My guess is they can't...because if they ever face it truthfully, they might not be able to look in the mirror in the morning to get ready for work.<P>Lisa<P>PS<P>I remember sharing "the knowing look" about our kids when they did something funny.<P>I remember vacation adventures.<P>"Spoon" snuggling on cold mornings.<P>Family teamwork.<P>I remember being naive to what divorce/custody/child support really was about.<P>

Hi REJECTED, and Hi again, Mitz,<P><B>Rejected</B>, I don't see how anyone can forget half of their life... so my guess is that your ex has thought of you too...<P><B>Mitzi</B>,<P>Right, he was the fixer in ALL cases!! The drywall was easier to fix than the doors... in one case the entire frame had to be rebuilt! But hey, you rip it off, you fix it, huh????

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by soon2b_alone:<BR><B>I remember being naive to what divorce/custody/child support really was about.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This really jumped out at me because I felt the same. I was PROUD to have sustained a long-term marriage, even after his affairs in the 80's...<BR>

Ya know Sheryl,<P>You're life with David sounds a lot like my life with Bob (or A$$, as I like to call him! )<P>He was the master of breaking things and the sad thing is, he knew how to fix them, but wouldn't. It was like he took pride in what he did. What an A$$!<P>Mitzi <P>

Yes, Mitzi, David could be very much like your a$$ <P>Some days I just wish I could hate him -- but I don't -- and therein has been the problem since Day1, or DDay 1, or any day you can think of...<P>Thank you all for letting me vent a bit and for sticking with me during this thoughtful day...<P>I don't do this divorce thing very well, I'm afraid... I keep hoping that somehow we can be "just friends" or something... really quite stupid, considering... but there you have it.<P>He says he can't be friends with me. I know, he's probably right... I just see others able to do it - talk about the kids needs, talk about the weather, that kind of thing. He just can't do it with me.<P>I wish us all some peace -- and on this day, I send a little bit extra to my ex, he needs it.

So today's the actual day, and if it's okay, I'm just gonna add another reply here... for my own bit of reflection... and if nobody writes anything else, that's okay too...<P>I'm not weepy-sad, just kind of sad-sad. It isn't that I want my marriage back (because, as I've gone further away from the situation both physically and emotionally, I've seen how really bad it was - and would have continued to be without serious help)... it is that I sometimes think it *could have been* easy enough to fix. Coulda, woulda, shoulda -- it will kill you, right?<P>I talked to David yesterday, and he's still very upset. He still has his OW, but he isn't happy with her. He loves her, but isn't "in love" with her. Sounded kinda familiar. I feel sorry for her, but then again, she sticks around for the scraps he offers, and that must be good enough. She's been married three times and hasn't even filed the papers for divorce -- and he met her at church. Ick. <P>No matter what though, I don't want him perpetually hurting, you know? I wish he could find some happiness... but then, that was illusive for him for so long... <P>I am doing okay, and on some days, I am doing great. We're planning a trip back to see the kids in May, and I can't wait! I've taken pictures of everything, including our cat, and have packaged them to send to the kids today. That feels good too.<P>Three years ago today was the last time David and I went out for a special night, and it seems like we might have been somewhat happy then, but I hoonestly don't remember... however, the clock was ticking... things were not good and getting worse. When I REALLY think about it, I can't remember the last time we were happy and in love. Now that's sad.<P>With each day that passes, each milestone behind me, the days gets easier to appreciate. The sun seems to shine a bit more brightly and my heart seems to open a bit more.<P>Make no mistake, even if you *want* the divorce, it isn't easy...<P>So, on this milestone day, I send my ex some good thoughts through the airwaves...<P>...and I will give myself some much needed rest from the trials and tribulations of the last three years...<P>And then I will go forward, because it's what must be done to survive.<P>Sorry if I sound mushy and dramatic, but I am the resident Drama Queen, so I think I'll allow myself to "go there" today.