My husband & I have been married 15 years & to my knowledge was a wonderful, loving marriage. Then 6 weeks ago he told me he wasn't happy and was not in love with me anymore. I was devestated & started listening to what he was really saying. I noticed he was depressed and has never been that way before. I suggested he talk to our Dr. about it. He said it was just when he was with me. However, he did go to the Dr. and get on medication for depression. I think he will admit now he is depressed, but can't contribute his feelings toward me to the fact he is depressed. He still doesn't know if he will ever love me again. I love him with all my heart & this is just killing me! I would like to know what I can say or do to make him realize this will pass & love will return. (I hope) He is talking about divorce, which is something we've never discussed. He says he just doesn't feel anything. I need advice.

igarrett - i'm real new here, but be warned...i'm sleepless right now, and i, too, suffer from depression, badly. i've always heard that men, more than women, have a hard time admitting and accepting that they suffer from this horrible blackness. i suppose it's that kind of "men don't cry" crap! anyway, i was getting ready to post to the group with my own query, but i just couldn't let yours go by unanswered...as i can easily picture my poor husband feeling the need to post something an awful lot like your post. :-( first of all, try all you can to give him a chance to realize what's happening to him - it truly is a tremendous shock! of course, it's possible there are other things going on here that neither you nor i - or even him! - know about yet, but on the face of it, if it is "only" depression that is at work here, i doubt he is unhappy WITH you, per se. i also doubt that his love has died in that short a time.<br>when one is depressed, most think that you are just "down" about this or that...you may be surprised to learn that in a true and deep depression, you FEEL NOTHING. i'm so glad that you were able to truly listen to what he was saying, and going thru, even with the devastation you felt. what a mark of a deep love! i'm glad he visited the doc, but please remember that - contrary to a few things i have read here - there is NO magic pill that just...makes it go away! i'll go into my own story in another post (if i can just keep up an interest) but for these purposes, let me say i've been in therapy for nearly five years, put on nearly every single anti-depressant known to man, and unfortunately cannot say i've progressed much, if at all. when "He said it was just when he was with me." i feel pretty sure he was expressing things as he PERCEIVED them to be - and folks in our position, with this disabling condition, really do have serious perception problems! we may THINK we know WHY it is that we're depressed, but it's only recently, after 5 years of therapy, that i'm beginning to even have a CLUE about the cause/s! i'm certainly not going to sit here and guarantee that he will love you again, but i hope you can take heart in the fact that it would be EXTREMELY difficult for him to imagine he would when he is in such a depressive state! i can't tell you how often i've given up ANY hope of EVER improving! it really is very difficult to imagine that you'll ever feel anything "normal" again when you're like this. if you are a psychologically healthy individual, i know this really must be "killing you," and i know you'd like to know what to do or say. but there is no magic here, no sure-fire cure. i'd suggest you do some serious reading about depression, IF you feel fairly confident that YOUR mental state can cope with what you will learn. in general, try as hard as you can to be patient and understanding. it's a hard balance, that, cuz you never really know how far you should go with it! how to give support without enabling someone you love, without damaging yourself or him, is really tough. <p>but WHATEVER YOU DO - DO NOT tell him to "get over it" (he would if he could, believe me) or take a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" attitude. and try not to be frustrated when he CANNOT (truly) believe that "this will pass" he may start doubting, as i have, that he EVER knew what love truly was, or if he is even capable of it! and, worse, that HE deserves to BE loved! much less that "love will return." please suggest that he seek therapy...try to make him realize that there is NOTHING to be ashamed of, don't let him buy into the myth (not helped much by the medical community) that depression is "just a woman's disease" (as in<br>it doesn't really exist...)<p>and let him know, in not uncertain terms if necessary, that the WORST thing he could do right now is make ANY major life decisions in the condition he is in right now!! as much as it must hurt you, convince him that you are there for him, and if in future it comes down to it, then you can approach divorce when - and ONLY when - he is feeling more like his old self.<p>try not to let him dwell on what he "used to be" - believe me, that could be fatal! he may never return to "his old self" and actually that may be the best thing for him and for you both. depression doesn't usually just happen...it can often be the result of YEARS (even a lifetime) of denial, negative events - mostly that we're totally unaware of! most of all...try to hold on to the FACT that he truly can't HELP that he doesn't feel anything right now! it is a frightening and bleak world that he has found himself in, one that he wouldn't want you to have to share.<p>i wish i had some "don't worry, be happy" advise for you, i really do. but it's hard,<br>girl! like, i know you'll want to try to make things better, but probably the worst thing you could do is walk around with a smiley face like everything is A-ok...i can't tell you how totally irritating - and demoralizing - that can be for a depressive.<p>if there is a way to broach the subject, let him read my reply (he may feel violated by his "failure" - tho it isn't one - being made public...we're "funny" that way) and let him know above ALL ELSE that he is NOT<br>alone! if he or you want to write, my info should be below, i think (?)<p>best of luck to you both. and start reading,<br>and you may need to consider therapy yourself - "difficult" probably doesn't BEGIN to describe living with a depressive..<p>sherry =^..^=

Thanks Sherry-It helps to know we are not alone. I'm sorry about your situation. I can tell a little that my husband is coming around. His "dark mood" seems to be lifting. He still feels the same towards me, I think. We went away this weekend and he seemed to be ok as long as we were doing something. At dinner we had a couple of glasses of wine and really laughed and had a good time, but driving in the car we can go for MILES without talking. I really hope this doesn't last for years because I think he's convinced it's just his lack of feelings for me that makes him feel this way. I try to convince him otherwise, but he can't imagine the love ever returning. However, he keeps assuring me that he's not going anywhere. Coming home Saturday night, I thanked him for the weekend and told him I had a good time. He said he thought it might help us. I asked him if it did and he said "If it did, I can't tell it". I hope this is just the depression talking. Anyway, I am going to see a councelor to find out how to deal with this. I just don't know what to say to him.

You folks are not alone in the world. I to live with a clinically depressed individual. I believe it to be a genetic disorder and then again I believe it to be a learned disorder. Regardless of this it is one of the most difficult illnesses I believe to overcome. My spouse is on a feelings roller coaster, I never know what mood to expect out of him and quite frankly I dont believe he does either. I can say that based upon his history I know that all of the males in his family suffer in the same way. A sort of male PMS. He recognizes the problem yet I dont think that is quite enough. No amount of medicine or counseling can help him overcome this. Sort of like a terminal cancer, this is something must learn to live with. There have been many times when I have allowed his moods to bring me down myself, yet I can recognize it and I bring a stop to this. I believe that if you tell yourself you are going to be misserable then you will be exactly that MISERABLE. The old addage of children learn what they live, holds so true here. Depression is tough and I think the best cure is love. Pure and simple and positive reinforcement. What are your thoughts? Write back

depression is much more easlily treated now then ever. chronic depression runs in my family. my mother went to a psychiatrist for some time and eventually took shook treatments. i don't know if they ever helped her or not but today, she's 74 yrs. old and has never been happier. did she somehow outgrow it or did it go away because she finally left my father after a terrible 50 yr. marriage. anyway at 49 yrs. of age, i finally agreed to seek help. but only after my w looked at me and told me i looked like i was about to cry. i told her i was ok. she walked away and then i started crying, for no apparent reason. i went to my doctor and told him i needed help. i was always sad and had no reason to be sad. i had every reason to be happy. so he just turned around a wrote a prescripton for prozac. it was a turning point in my life. i am now normal. now i know how regular people feel. i laugh more and smile more. i'm more productive amd ,most of all i don't lose my temper over minor things. i wish i had sought help 20 yrs. ago. it would have made me more successful in life and made me a better parent. i used to get so angry at the children for really stupid things. i've been taking prozac for 2yrs.. just last week, my doctor put me on a new family of antidpressants, i forgot the name, and now i'm feeling better than ever. i never dreamed i could feel so well. so now i never miss an opportunity to recommend depressed people take advantage of modern medicine. for me, prozac was a miracle. i'm a firm believer in better living through chemistry. what's so hard for me to accept are the people who still feel they should somehow tough it out, be a man and get over it. so many people think it's some how morally wrong to take mood altering drugs. all i can say to them is, wakeup people. look at all the other ways we take advantage of modern science.

Frankie<BR>Congratulations on your healing. I know the effects of Prozac and the good it can do for you because everymale on my spouses side of the family takes it. My spouse has tried to take St Johns Wort, etc and quite frankly it really didnt do any qood for him. Who knows perhaps he doesnt want to be happy. I just wish that he would wake up and smell the coffee. I try to remain hopefull but to know avail, Im losing my patience, and rightfully so. Im sure it would seem as if he were failing if he had to swallow his pride and say I need help. He knows he has a problem, yet refuses to take responsibility for it and can not seem to get the courage to ask for medical help. Are you married and if so what was it that made you wake up? How did your depression affect your family? We live with a walking time bomb and it always seems as if we are always the blame for all things that are wrong in the world. I dont know how to reach him or to make him see that it is not us it is him and he needs help. Everyone else sees it as well. I have never met anyone that is so miserable as he is, besides his dad of course. I dont wish to leave him but life quite frankly sucks, he never seems to enjoy anything, well some things but it is only momentary and any little thing can make him snap. Thanks for listening and good luck to you.

i am married and have been, to the same woman, for 26yrs. actually, we celebrated our 26th. anniversery yesterday. anyway, i don't know what made me wakeup and seek help for my depression. my w is an rn and is also pretty preceptive. she had been after me for some time to get help and i simply and finally just decided to go for it. i was so afraid and always thought the dr. would think i was malingering or suggest i read a book, or listen to relaxation tape, or get over it, etc.. i just didn't want to hear it or face the rejection. but this time was different. i went to the doctor and just splilled it out. i simply said, " i'm depressed and i need help." just like that. and he wrote out the prescription that changed my life. i told my dr. at the time that i had been afraid he would suggest i read a selfhelp book. my dr. said, jokeingly, sure, they help, for about an hour. i rember people would come into the office and say, smile! i used to hate that. but now, it's easy to follow all the advice i read in boods because now i'm normal. keep after your h to seek help. tell him of my story. good luck!!

Thanks for responding, I will keep after him, although he would be quite offended my my spilling the beans to outside strangers so I think that I will merely keep after him and hope for the best.<P>I am so happy to hear that your life is so complete now, perhaps mine will be some day as well.<P>Take Care

I have a question, does anyone know if Prozac has the same side effects as Zoloft in males? My husband takes Zoloft and he has "some" sexual dysfunction. It's not everytime, but is very troublesome to him and causes almost as much stress as the depression. I have assured him that it's only the side effect of the medication, but a couple of weeks ago, he just had to prove it to himself that it was the medication. He quit taking it for a week and got so depressed again, he could hardly function. BUT, the sexual dysfunction problem went away, but who cares, when you are that depressed, you don't want to have sex anyway!!! Anyway, he proved to himself that the medication is working and is the cause of the sexual problems. I just wish we could have the best of both worlds. Things are a lot better as long as he's on the medication.

Different antidepressants have different side-effects for different people. I think that Prozac's sexual side-effects are about the same as those of Zoloft, however.<P>The newest cl****of anti-depressants are supposed to have far fewer side-effects than even the SRI class. Maybe your H could talk with his doctor about switching to one of the newer medications.<P>------------------<BR>terri