I've been thinking about happiness. A lot of that has to do with Mike (SoTired2000), who somehow manages to be happy even in the midst of great sorrow and pain. And some of it has to do with a book I've been reading: Frank Pittman's <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1582380406/o/qid=988334552/sr=8-1/ref=aps_sr_b_1_1/002-7868979-7637628" TARGET=_blank>Grow Up!</A>.<P>I'm not recommending the book. I'm not quite halfway through and I don't expect to finish it. It reads a lot like an extended op-ed, and I'm just not that impressed. However, there's some thought-provoking stuff in the first chapter...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Adult happiness seems more dependent on a sense of one's honor and integrity than it is on a high level of pleasurable experiences. People who feel good about themselves and what they have done and will continue to do can continue to feel good even after the music wanes and the dancing stops. They can like life even when they are not excited by anything special.<P>Simply, happiness is an outgrowth of character, not of victory or of luck or of perfection or even of pleasure.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The formula for happiness or unhappiness in Freudian psychology...lies in the discrepancy between the self concept and the ego ideal, the distance between what we think we are and what we think we should be. If we are unhappy, the problem may be in our self-esteem, our sense of what we are worth as human beings. Or our problem may be in our ideals, our incorporation of our parents' or society's expectations of us. Either way, the result is the same: People who think too little of themselves are just as unhappy as people who expect too much of themselves.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...Some who pursue happiness too desperately believe they can achieve it by avoiding sorrow, and by so doing they avoid life...<P>People who avoid total immersion in life because they fear unhappiness are rather like athletes who fear losing. Those who fear loss are far more vulnerable and less likely to achieve their goals than athletes who hunger for victory. Those who fear losing are always looking out of the corner of their eye for some justification for their loss so they can declare, "See, it is not my fault." Likewise, those who fear unhappiness more than they crave happiness can whine that they are victims of something and their victimhood keeps them from reaching happiness or even trying for it.<P>Some try to avoid unhappiness by running from sad emotions. ...In fact, crying and sharing emotional pain may be as big a contributor to happiness as physical pain after a good workout, or knowing on the way down from climbing a mountain (and often for days afterward) that I have earned my aches.)<P>When I cry, I open myself up to feelings and awarenesses that enter me. ...There can be profound loss without guilt, shame, a sense of failure, or even regret. ...My sadness does not make me unhappy... I may be in tears at these moments of loss, disappointment, and pain, but we feel good about ourselves and know we are not alone in the world and can go on. The pain of the moment makes us more, not less, connected, with life and with the others who live it. Sharing that pain makes us happy in a way that suffering it in lonely silence could not.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't know if I am happy. I am certainly more at peace with myself and the world than I can ever remember being before. I am more in touch with my feelings and with other people than I have been before. I also hurt more than I could ever have imagined being able to hurt, but to my surprise, that hurt has not crippled me. Indeed, I am stronger than I have ever been before.<P>So, I guess maybe I <I>am</I> happy. <BR>

Hi GnomeDePlume,<P>Interesting thoughts. I write a lot but really like to keep things simple. What I have learned is that, it is not how smart we 'think' we are or even how accomplished we may <BR>'appear' to be. We just need to know & acknowledge our abilities and limits. I say know and acknowledge because to me there is a difference. Knowing is in the mind acknowledge requires acting on that knowlege by doing an act. <P>Now with the above outlined, I have learned that even if I am not a talented, accomplished, well educated person (OW accused me of being uneducated), I know & acknowledge that I am happy with myself and my abiliities. No I am not a complacent person. I always strive to better myself. I am just not willing to berate myself or allow other to do so for their own selfish gratification (including H). <P>OW appears to hate me for the fact that I no longer allow her stupid actions/antics to bother me. As a result, I am more at peace with myself. Yes, there are times of frustration (you have seen it my some of my posts - by the way, thanks for your help), but all in all I am capable of pulling through. <P>This thinking pattern allows me to be able to help myself, know when I need to get help, accept help and at times even gbe able to help others. For this I feel like a good person. I am happy with myself. <P>Boy, I never really needed to know that more than now. This A. stuff really can destroy a person's self esteem. <P>However, reading the thoughts of many here is helpful. I am able to pick myself up and go on. Looks like you are doing the same. <P>Keep up the positive thoughts, my friend.<P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

GnomeDePlume,<P>I'm a total newbie (first post as a matter of fact) but have been lurking for a while. Your quote caught me:<P>"...like athletes who fear losing. Those who fear loss are far more vulnerable and less likely to achieve their goals than athletes who hunger for victory. Those who fear losing are always looking out of the corner of their eye for some justification for their loss so they can declare, "See, it is not my fault."<P>I have been separated for 3mo from my W. I have had plenty of time for introspection on my life and marriage. Last weekend I had an epiphany. I'll preface by saying my UserName bespeaks me. I was a dummy for not seeing this earlier. I had been running much of my life fearing loss or failure--since it evoked much pain (and who likes pain?) that I (almost) single handedly destroyed my marriage. <P>As it pertained to my marriage, I told myself, "Dumbdumb, 50% of marriages end in failure...YOU ARE NOT IN THAT 50%." I focussed on "not failing" rather then "I'm going to do my best to make sure that I contribute to my wife's happiness and we both work to achieve our goals and dreams." I doomed us to mediocrity from the start(since I wasn't failing)instead of working at the other end...what it takes to be successful. <P>I chose my W based on the likelihood of marital failure. I chose actions and reactions that would minimize the impression of failure. I'd "project an image" so I would not look like a failure. <P>Funny, I'm the family optimist and believe "it's not what you see, but how you see it." My wife and children were the few "good" choices in the marriage. <P>On the other side of the coin...I finally realize what a Dumbdumb I've been and believe it or not...I'm somewhat happy. (Not about being an idiot) But there is a freedom in knowing that I can now refocus on the things that really matter to my marriage--respect, integrity, trust--you get the idea. <P>I'm working to get it the relationship back...no guarantees (is there ever?).<P>Gnome, I hope you find it.<P>Dumbdumb<P>Of course, if I can't get my marriage back together I'll be unhappy about my newly found happiness. Ironic!

Thanks Gnome...I really needed that reminder this morning.<P>One of those (G)odd moments I guess!

gnomedeplume,<P>I'll tell you what, those quotes speak a lot of how I feel - really feel. Almost as if I could have wrote them myself. I really believe that a person can be "happy" in any circumstance (within reason). Happiness is based upon your perceptions. If your perception of yourself is low to begin with, then I feel the perceptions you have of other people and other events are in fact going to be skewed. My wife (sorry x-wife) is a perfect example. She goes to extremes to try and find happiness, to make herself happy - but her self-esteem is always in the *hitter. She is never happy with herself and I think part of that has to do with the sexual incidents she experienced in her youth (which makes me so sad).<P>I also agree that without sadness, you would never know what true happiness was. Think about if you never felt something cold, how could you know what hot was? What would you have to compare it to?<P>But I have to admit that the past few days has really thrown me for a loop - I am mostly happy at work, at home, in the car, at the gym, on the phone - but yet my divorce was finalized on Tuesday.... Part of me wonders if it is going to hit me like a ton of bricks in a couple days/weeks. But honestly, I don't think it will - I think I was so caught up in trying everything to save my marriage, I was bringing myself "down". Now that the marriage (at least legally) is over, my thoughts are returning to other things - things that make me happy. Not so much "closure" but rather a somewhat care-free attitude has returned.<P>But I KNOW I am not happy that my wife is gone (that pain still resurfaces during the day and at night). I still pray for her and for us in that maybe someday both our circumstances will work out that we both want to try again at the same time...<P>For now though, it is time to start living again...<P>But there is one element I think is left out in those quotes and that is faith. I truly believe that the Holy Spirit is flowing through me strongly. I just sense this presence that seems to be giving me strength and comfort, which frees me up to be happy - happy to be living.<P>Kinda corny, but its how I feel.<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

dumbdumb, I made a lot of mistakes in my relationship, but I don't see any point in kicking myself. Hindsight is always clearer than foresight, and I simply didn't have the experience or understanding to avoid making mistakes. What's important is that my intentions were always good, and I <I>learned</I> from my mistakes. I hope you can say the same, and that you will change your name...<P>Mike I don't think what you said or how you feel is corny at all. God's power and presence is a wonderful thing, and I don't think you're going to get clobbered by much of a brickload. Legal judgments are just so...unreal...next to the hand of God.<P>By the way, Dr. Pittman <I>does</I> cite faith as a positive contributing factor to happiness.<BR>

I don't think that I am happier without my ex. That is far from the truth. He sees things so black and white so when we talk and he asks if I am happy now, I am not sure how to explain it to him. I miss him and the life that we had planned, the dreams that we had thought about and the spirit that was him. So I tell him "no, I would be happier with you." But that is not entirely true. I know what we/he did was wrong, but I am settling into my life now. I like it. I feel cleaner or free or something. So I tell him I am happy. But I don't want him to think that I agree with what we did or that I am dismissing it as good. Like Mike said, it is not closure, but a sense that MY life has to start because OUR life is over. And I like what I see. <P>That first quote "Adult happiness seems more dependent on a sense of one's honor and integrity than on a high level of pleasureable experiences." My first reaction to that whole first paragraph was "that describes my ex to a T." His current regret about leaving is a result of the grass not being greener. But I am the one that matters. WHat makes me happy, not analyzing him and his decisions. I may never understand them. <P>So I agree with Gnome: I am more at peace with myself because I know that I acted with integrity and honor and that I can (hopefully) with God's help continue to recognize the beauty in eve ugly situations. Maybe that is the difference: nothing to do with my ex leaving or living alone.

hi Gnome,<P>Your post caught my eye since I'm dealing with "unhappiness" lately. I read one of Pittman's other books, true lies, and it was hard to get into, but then I could grasp it. This is a bit confusing still and I doubt I'd make it thru the whole book.<P>Sometimes, when I am depressed,even things that normally make me very happy, make me unhappy. <P>I think a lot is to be said for those that have faith in God, because they always appear to be so much more at peace. I was at that place once, and I want to be back there again.<P>Thanks for sharing the quotes.<BR>Dana<BR>

GnomeDePlume,<P>I have never read Frank Pittman's "Grow Up!", but I have to say that my personal philosophy has always been that emotions are fickle (this coming from an INFP!!--can you believe it?). As a mature, self-aware adult, I have more to do with deciding to feel "happy" or "unhappy" than the emotion "just coming" and overwhelming me. Furthermore, sometimes when an emotion does bowl me over, I have the option to accept and embrace the emotion, or to say, "NO! This emotion is not acceptable." Particularly in regards to unhappiness and sadness, I can say to myself, "I feel sad today and I have a good reason to feel sad today--I am going to allow myself to be sad and experience the sadness, and tomorrow I will drag myself out of the pit of despair." Other times, I need to say to myself, "I feel bummed out today and there is no reason for this melancholy. I don't need to expect a LOT out of myself today, but I do need to look for the good and positive today get out of this funk." Still other times, when an awesomely hunky man pays attention to me and I notice another feeling, I have to tell myself, "I am a married woman and it is utterly, 100% inappropriate to make any kind of action on this emotion--I do NOT accept it." The point is, the emotion is not in charge--I am! I make a conscious decision.<P>I think that very often people sit back and expect others or circumstances or "fate" to make them happy, rather than taking the active approach. First, happiness or unhappiness is defined by me--what makes me happy may not make you happy--so I am also able to redefine it! Second, I am responsible for my own happiness or unhappiness--if I feel unhappy, chances are that I have set up my life in such a way that it is contributing to my feelings. Third, if I want to feel happy, and I have decided what happiness is for me, then I can get up off my behind end and change myself and my life so that I have a life that is more within my definition of "happy." Fourth, I can LOOK for the things that make me happy rather than overlook them! <P>In summary, as an adult person, I am no longer "allowed" to just sit back and expect (and wait for) others to make me happy--I HAVE TO MAKE ME HAPPY, and if I chose not to make the move or the growth or the change necessary to become happy, then I have made that choice!! Me--not someone else. The thing that's elusive is that achieving mature happiness requires COURAGE. A person has to be brave enough to be honest with themself, to accept responsibility for themself, and to accept the happiness! So often, it is SO MUCH EASIER to blame others or "fate" or "God" than it is to accept the fact that I am responsible. It is so much easier to also play the "if only..." game (you know, "if only he would XYZ, then I'd be happy"), because then it is out of your hands and your own unhappiness is "not your fault". It's also easier to feel unhappy and whine than it is to pursue happiness and risk failure.<P>So, GDP, I'm glad you brought up this topic. It's a great intellectual debate, and it sure makes us all think a little. What do you think?<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.