After spending weeks here getting great advice from many of you, last night things came to a head. I saw him talking on a payphone. He was leaving her a message. I sped home, threw his luggage in the floor, grabbed a phone and waited for him to come home. When he came upstairs, I yelled at him and told him that after 9 weeks of this mess, he now had two choices, call her and tell her the contact is over, or pack his bags.<P>Our daughter was downstairs, she came up at one point and overheard me say it to him again. I'm sure you can imagine her reaction. I tried to make excuses, while not lying. I told her we had problems and were trying to work it out. After some tears and reassurances from both of us, she finally went to sleep. I thought the last nine weeks were bad, this is torture. I feel so guilty for her overhearing our "discussion", but I feel strangely relieved now that I know he wants out, although he said he's in no rush. Can you please offer advice for me and my daughter? I also have a 16 year old son. We tried to tell him about the fight, he appeared to want to sweep it under the carpet. I love my children and my husband. How are we going to get through the weekend. Hubby and I go to counselling separately, guess now we'll start going together. I'm exhausted...more later.<BR>Exxon <p>[This message has been edited by Exxon (edited April 27, 2001).]

Exxon,<P>Get your kids to talk to someone also. My then 15 yr old son found out a lot like your daughter. He didn't want to talk to anyone, as he had others to talk to we didn't push it. The 1st yr he did well, even the months his dad & I lived a part, his dad was still such a part of our everyday life, that my son's live was still the same. <P>After a yr we moved overseas to get a ways from OW, my son knew his dad was very torn & I guess realized that contact had been going on the entire time he thought we are trying to rebuild. The past months have not been good for my son. He has been the classic underachiever for several yrs but still managed to have 3.6 GPA, he is now at one of the top international schools & he is flunking out, he sneaks out of the house, he drinks, & I think he has at least smoked pot if not other stuff also.<P> My son's future is in jeopardy, my H is making plans to move back to the OW. Everything that I was afraid would happen to my son has, he was one of the finest Christian young men you ever hope to me, he is not that young man any more. <P>Hope you have better luck than I have had.<BR>

Sing:<BR>Thank you so much for the reply. I will seek counselling for my daughter right away. Like your son, she is a straight A student and entering High School next year. This was the last thing she needed. My considerate hubby wanted to wait until school was out to announce the plans he's had now for a few months. I am sorry that she is going through this, but we will help her every way we can. She has just begun to get popular and school and I'm not thrilled with a few of her friends, but I will monitor that closely. In spite of the mess my marriage is in, we do have a loving, open household. It still doesn't take away the fear. I am afraid she will figure out that he wants out and does not want to try to rebuild our marriage. He is afraid she will hate him. I committed to him that as long as we worked on us, I would do everything to encourage her to supportive and forgiving. I have called her school counselor and asked him to keep an eye on her today and in the near future. <P>I am also concerned about my 16; soon to be 17 year old son, who has not voiced his feelings. At least with my daughter, I know where she stands. <P>Tell me more about your son. Is he seeing a counselor now? Are you? I am so sorry he has gone through a difficult time. Does he talk to you about how he feels? <P>Thanks for your support...I'll be thinknig about you both as I struggle to get through this difficult day.

My girls found out way before I was ready for them to know as well. We all sat around in a big circle and had a long talk. There were no accusation or finger pointing just some simple explaining and a lot of crying. We let them ask questions and answered as many as we could. Since then we have done this another couple of times. We also make one on one time for each child and see if they want to ask any questions or just talk about the future. We are working with a family counsellor. The kids have'nt seen her yet, but they know that they will be seeing her soon. I think they find some relief in that. In our situation, we are still living with each other, so I don't think that it has sunken in yet for them. Come June 1st, my children and their daddy are going to go through some rough times together.<P>Be there for them. Love them. Pray for them.<P>Love, Bill<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

Your kids don't deserve to be exposed to your fights. But they do deserve to know the truth of why their lives are being turned upside down.<P>You might want to get a therapist for them, and spend some time talking to the therapist yourself - and ask him/her to help you figure out how you are going to handle it with your children.<P><P>------------------<BR>--BR<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Losthusband: I have been following your posts. I do pray for you and your seet girls. Would you please tell me how old they are? Do they support each other? the first thing my daughter said after she heard what we were saying is that she wanted her brother. So sad. My husband is calling his counselling to get some advice for the weekend. He keeps saying that he doesn't want her to hate him.<P>Bramblerose: You are so right. I should have been more composed when I spoke to him last night. I was so upset I just blew a fuse... at my dear daughter's her expense. I should say that I did tell her a few weeks ago that I was sad about some things and I was seeing a counselor. Now she knows why. I will make certain that all interactions with hubby and me are private or as normal as we can make it in front of both children. I am still not giving up on my marriage. I love my husband and truly believe there is plenty to salvage in our marriage of 17 years.<P>Thanks again to both of you for caring enough to write.<P>Exxon

My girls are 11, 9, & 6. I don't think that they draw much support from each other. They have gotten support in our family meetings but mainly they get support from my wife and I indiviually.<P>The oldest draws mainly on my wife, sometimes this scares me but I know that it is what she needs right now. If things get tough and she feels uncomfortable with my wife she comes to me.<P>Our middle child draws support totally from me. My wife and her have always had a communication problem. She is sensitive like me so we fit well together.<P>Our youngest will draw from both of us I think. She just turned 6 and I don't think that she has realized what is going to happen since we are still living as a family.<P>As the days grow shorter on our existance in the same house I'm sure that our girls will need much support from both of us. When they see the bags being packed it will start to sink in.<P>We will probabl get them into our family counselling sessions in about 10 days. That will be hard on me. The pain that the innocent have to bear for the mistakes of their parents. Though I love my wife so deeply, watching my children suffer because of her decision, will hide that love and replace it with hate. There will have to be a lot of pretending and mask wearing for the children.<P>Hope this helps and I am truly sorry to see you going through this. You have my prayers, my love, and my support anytime you need it.<P>Love, Bill<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

Hi Bill:<BR>And thanks again. I can see that we are feeling the same hurt. I don't know how I'm going to make it. I have not accepted the fact that my marriage is over. It just can't be. He is such a nice guy except for his A. I have taken some responsibility for the problems we had and do have. I love him and like him. We have /had a great life together with all kinds of plans for the future. Our son is going to college next year. How can he throw all that away? Our saughter will take this so hard. We are both so worried about her. Why won't he try!!!!!!!!!!!! <BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Exxon (edited April 27, 2001).]

Why won't our spouses try? I've asked myself that question a million times. I don't know. I've taken responsibility for parts of our relationship as well but what good does that do. Now I am only taking responsibility for me. I am trying to mold myself into that person that I want to be. If my wife doesn't find this attractive I am not responsible for that. I don't want to sound conceaded or anything but I've cooked our whole marriage, I do laundry, I do the floors, I clean, I take care of the lawn, I'm always there for the kids, basically I've always catered to her. <P>As a woman, do think that there are many men like me out there? Is she going to wake up one day and oops. It may be too late.<P>Sorry for the ego stroking, I needed it.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

Bill:<BR>You sound like a wonderful husband. there are not a lot <BR>like you. My husband was also wonderful, but he wouldn't talk to me...I mean really share his deepest feelings after almost 20 years together. Rather than risk my reaction, he found someone who accepted him and listened to him and thinks he's just right. Of course she has her own marital problems, but he doesn't care.<P>I am not perfect. I took for granted he would always be there. I did not meet his needs, although I thought we were doing OK. We're just at thepoint where all the years of sacrifice and focus on the children was going to pay off. We could focus on us. instead he wants to focus on himself and her. And she's married with two little children 2000 miles away. I can't bear this!!!!!!!!!!<P>Do you think about meeting someone after your D is over and being happy with them? I hate being here because I am still in denial. He can't really end our marriage. How will he be able to look at our children if he doesn't try? I am so sick. <P>Exxon

I guess I'm just past the denial stage. Yes I think that I can love that way again. No matter what I will always have a spot in my heart for Lisa. She was my first love. We have three children together. I will never be able to hate her. But do I see happiness ahead. Yes. I have a lot to offer and if we get back together, I will offer it to her. If not, I will offer to someone else. I don't need someone else to make me whole. But I do believe that I will be married again, only this time I won't ever take it for granted.<P>How can he look at the children? FOG. He will do anything possible to rationalize things in his mind to help him deal with the situation. My wife does. She's rewritten history to help her deal with this. The main point is I know that and I will not let it hurt me. Much.<P>Remeber focus on you, you can't change him you can only change yourself.<P>Love, Bill

Exxon I am so sorry to hear about your horrific experience- it sounds so similar to mine unfortunately as you pointed out to me in response to my post. Like you I also have a 13 dd also a 9 dd and 4ds. I am trying hard to keep my 13 dd from finding out.I am sorry to hear your H is so set on divorce when children are involved. My H filed on me 2 wks ago but I told him that he would be telling the kids about it by HIMSELF- that I in no way want a divorce and its against the Bible.Thats what I will tell the kids. I also told him I would give them the full reasons for why if he insisted on pursuing it.None of that 'well mom and dad just cant get along psycho-babble) And that I would contest everything since I am spiritually against divorce. He ended up cancelling the papers. I think his seeing me holding the papers finally snapped him out of the thickest of the fog he's been rolling around in. I have got a good attorney from a reference at church and some books about the financial aspects of it just in case. My H filed on grounds of incompatibility which I found hilarious since we've been together 17 yrs- if we were incompatible we'd have split LONG before now! No his mind was totally clouded by the evil intent of OW to get him to leave me for her- she is a jealous selfish wench who envied my life as a SAHM and wanted my life for herself.No way am I turning my H over to her.Over my dead body. I"ll pray for clarity of our H's mind exxon. They NEED it! Prayers for your strength too. lifeismessy...clean it up

Lost Husband,<P>Your children are about my kids ages..I have two girls and a boy..my oldest (12) talks to me..my 8 yr old talks to me..<BR>she too is very sensitive about things..and my son who is 6 doesn't understand "talking out his feelings yet" and just gets angry..and acts out in anger when things inside are upside down..for them a lot has changed..not so much in the fact that dad isn't here..since he never was anyway...but in the fact that I had to start back to work when we separated..so I am not home all the time anymore..I was a stay home mom for nine years..last year I was going to college..and taking him to pre-k three days a week for half a day..now he's in school EVERYDAY all day..and in day care after school..and mom's working so I can't just go pick him up from school anymore..<P>The girls grades have gone up..since we separated..one is on the A/B honor roll and the oldest..who was just skimming by in school with d's is now making A's, B's and C's..they seem to be happier..laugh more than they did before..and have more fun..they talk at the dinner table, or ask questions about things on tv..and not worry about getting yelled at..for talking..<P>I think our biggest obsticle w/ the separation at this point is in discipline..he felt that if they got in trouble here they shouldn't be allowed to go visit him..like going to visit him was supposed to be a priveledge or something..and I called him on that one..told him that going to visit dad shouldn't be held over there head as a treat..like going to the movies, renting a video..or going skating..it took him awhile to understand that...but I think he finally understood..