Hi friends,<P>Today I am having a very sad day. I have been dealing with a "space" issue with my boyfriend for 2 months now. A few months ago, he became withdrawn. I didn't understand it then, but I have come to find out that he just felt we were going to fast and needed to slow down.<P>That is reasonable. We saw each other every day for 7 months, and almost moved in together. He was always attentive, affectionate and the first person to care about me, my needs and enjoy meeting them. My exH never cared about that stuff. Anyhow, we went from that lifestyle, to seeing each other about once or twice a week and phone calls every few days. A week ago, he started coming around more again, and opening up a lot more. I have seen progress with him and our relationship. I don't call him, as to give him space. But believe me, its very hard.<P>I am embarrassed to admit this but also, ever since my ex announced his engagement to OW, it has set me into some kind of analyzation of everything. How come exH gets to remarry? I want to just have a family again myself. How come my exH is just able to bounce from one person to another, and I am the one trying to go slow? How come OW gets what I wanted?<P>Anyway, I know its crazy to ask such questions. I know I'm supposed to be thankful for what I have and not look at what others have. I know I'm supposed to find my own happiness. But I can't.<P>My ex stopped over unexpected today to see the kids. He hasn't done that since last summer. Anyhow, we were talking about insurance, me going back to work and if he could help me in some way, and when he'd take the last of his stuff (its been 16 months since he's been gone and I still have to look at it).<P>Then he asked about my family and how they were. He joked that the lawn looked terrible and that he had kept it up so nice when he lived here. All of a sudden, I just felt overwhelmed and started crying.<P>I don't even know why. It's everything I suppose. Feeling inadequate from my marriage, feeling scared of getting hurt by bf and looking for a new job. I'm scared of everything and I was never ever this way in life before.<P>I have 3 beautiful healthy daughters. I have a full daycare of kids to watch all day. I have lots of close friends. Lots of best friends. Family who cares about me. And I even have someone in my life, who tells me he loves me and I can go out with once a week to dinner and enjoy a game of pool or a movie with. <P>So why isn't this enough? Why do I keep dwelling on the past. The past that I had with bf, and how we were together so much more before we slowed down. I got so used to spending time with him and enjoying his company. I keep dwelling on the divorce too. I have even had conversations with my exH a few months ago about what part I played to cause the affair, because I'm deathly afraid of doing it again to bf.<P>So why can't I just be happy with today ? Why do I keep looking to the non existent future and letting it bring me down? Why don't I have any control over my life? Why am I afraid to pick up the phone and call my boyfriend of 9 months? Why am I afraid of everything right now?<P>Well, I know these questions aren't going to be answered easily and I have to figure them out for myself, but I guess I wonder if anyone else out there is having these issues?<P>My doctor is now concerned because my blood pressure is always high, I have lost a lot of weight again and possibly have an eating disorder due to depression. I know I'll get past it, I always do, I just hope it comes soon because I'm just very tired of this struggle right now.<P>Hugs, Dana<BR>

DanaB,<P>There's room to curl up with Exxon and I--want to curl up with us? I'm tired of this struggle too! Hey, I know what! I am formally submitting my resignation from adulthood. Effective immediately, I am no longer responsible, mature, or "too old to do that". <P>Let's go play on the playground.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dana}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

I can't answer any of your questions not at that point yet. But I would like to point one thing out. You said that after you slowed down that your bf started calling and then calling more. Don't overlook that. You gave him space and he's starting to persue you. Look at what you have, obviously he has strong feelings for you. Sounds to me like you have a lot going for you but make sure that you take care of yourself. I lost 47 pounds in two months. Hell ya, I know it's because I was depressed and I still kinda am. But I force myself to eat. If I am unhealthy, I will not be able to meet the needs of my three daughters and noone will be able to meet my needs.<P>You have my prayers over the weekend.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

Just hugs --<P>((((((((((Dana))))))))))<P>I have no wisdom to offer, just understanding...<P>I do know that even if we're happy with the new relationship, we have that baggage to carry... it just doesn't go away... and we loved our ex's once (a LOT in both our cases) and it just seems like such a waste that things couldn't be *fixed* -- I really do understand.<P>

((((((((((((Dana)))))))))))))))<P>Some days I just think life in general gets us down and even the good things can't get us back up.<P>I too have the thoughts of why does STBX get to trot off with the love of his life while I am left to pick up the pieces of mine. It seems that all this is just a small bump for him where I see a mountian to climb. But in the end I think the long struggle to the top of my mountain will leave me far more satisfied than his tour over the bump. The view is much better at the top!!!<P>I hope you have a better weekend. Don't blame yourself for your ExH's affair. Don't beat yourself up over trying to discover what part you played in it. Remember your new bf is his own person with his own needs, he is not your exH.<P>I will probably be here in several months asking these same questions.<P>Take Care.

Oh Dana!!! Hi!<P>So this is what's been going on - I haven't heard from you for a while. I should have written you since I got back from Illinois and I haven't yet. I'm sorry!<P>I know how you feel even tho I don't have a bf and actually hate all men right now. I found myself standing in the middle of the kitchen last week, looking up at God Himself (in my mind) and seriously telling Him that I quit. Could I just quit?? I didn't want to be a mom anymore, I didn't want to be trying to sell my house frantically, I don't want to be alone anymore. So many I don'ts. So many hardships and I'm just plain tired. I don't know, I think He slapped me and I was ok then.<P>I'm gonna write you, be prepared for at least 12K. I hope your weekend goes a little better. I'll be thinking about you and maybe I'll ask God if you can quit too with me.<P>Take care.<P>------------------<BR>Kathy<BR><p>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited April 27, 2001).]

I know, it is not fair. The look of their life when they have what we feel we should be ours. I went through it. It is human nature to envy or to want. Especially when we are feeling loss. THat confused feeling comes and goes, and it is completely separate from our new relationships. I have recently met someone very special, and though I am taking it very slowly, I find that my confusion and paralyzing fear is there too. It has no purpose, but it has nothing to do with anything else in my life. My life is great now, but that hole is still there. And it can't be filled for a while. In my experience, when fear takes over, my tendency is to cling harder. I am very insecure, frightened, anxious sometimes....it is not always bad. You should be proud that you have the courage to give your bf that space. <P>Has your doctor mentioned anti anxiety treatments? If not medication, than therapy? I went throught the exact same feelings about a guy I dated very soon after the D. The "distance" I began to feel was almost paralyzing. I questioned everything about my life. I was depressed, eating problems, constant knots, fear, you name it. I had to see a doctor. I call him my witch doctor because he is into accupressure/thought-field-therapy mumbo jumbo. Needless to say, this hardcore skeptic feels like a different person. I can't explain it, but the feelings subsided. I still feel a little nervous about the future, but only natural, normal, healthy fears there. As far as this new relationship goes, space is not an issue there. There is a little distance between us, so we can't smother each other. That is good for me. <P>I can't say not to think about all the bad things or to focus on what is good in your life....or to stop looking into the nonexistant future or fretting about the present or living in the past. You already know all of that. Just know that you are not alone. I really wish I could say something. But someone here said that time allows the poison to leak from our veins like from a bite or something. Only time can do it. MAybe that is all you need.<P><BR>

Dana,<P>No reason to be embarassed that you want to take things slow..you were hurt and don't want to open yourself up<BR>to that again real soon..and thats okay...<P>And don't be worried about going back to work..I had to do that too...It took me about a month to find something..and<BR>that wasn't steady looking..start praying that God will open the doors for the job He wants you to have..thats what I did..and I got that job..and I love it..it's doing basically the same thing I did nine years ago before I quit work..so I didn't need all the training (which was a good thing since the girl who would have trained me quit the day before I started) it took me two months to get everything caught up and also train another girl who started the same day I did..<BR>It helped me tremendously..to start back to work..it helped my self esteem and I am not depressed to where I have stopped taking my meds...I feel so much better..except the twinges of guilt of not being there for my kids like I was for so many years...and my son is having a hard time w/ it that I can't make all the field trips like I did w/ his sisters..and not helping out at the school like I did w/ them..I do miss those things...but I don't know that I want to go back to that and end up back on meds because i was so depressed..and wanting things to be different to the point I felt I'd be better off dead..or stbxh dead..in order to find peace inside..<P>You'll find something and it will do you wonders..have you<BR>thought of applying at the kids school? like in the office or the cafeteria? something that you can have holidays off with them..and teachers planning days off and such?? You could take them to school and take them home..and all? <P><BR>LOL on the yard...My yard looked horrible..but I know that was because I was so depressed and didn't care about it..but now..on weekends I've been getting out and working on it..<BR>it's like I feel like I am alive again after many years of being buried in a dark hole..I planted a couple rose bushes..and am going to rent a tiller and re-sod..and I went out and bought some concrete mix and stones and put them out..stbxh has made comments about all that I am doing around here..and asking if I had a BF help me...LOL...I am like..NO...I did it myself...like I am to helpless to do it myself..<P>But you can do it..you just need to get out and do it..and you'll feel better

Thinking of you.....

What stood out for me in your post was when you said you couldn’t find your own happiness. You can’t if you’re looking outside yourself. It’s easy for your ex because he’s in denial. He’s a bottomless pit trying to fill up a big hole. How sad is that. He may even be starting to realize this and you’re picking up on it. No matter how bad you’re feeling, pay close attention to your emotions. Don’t try to run them off like your ex is doing. You’re healing.

Hi Dana, <P>I meant to reply to this yesterday, but got caught up in all kinds of chaos at home. My 3 kids are enough, I don't know how you manage a daycare all by yourself!! My hat is off to you, that's for sure!<P>I think your questions are totally normal and understandable. I struggle with them alot myself. I think that in my case, my H stays frantically busy and distracted, to keep from thinking about what he is really doing, and from feeling the pain that results from his choices. I on the other hand, wallow in it, obsess over it...you know what I am talking about. <P>I think you and I will both be happier in the end though. We all need time to heal, to work out these issues, and to learn how not to make those mistakes again.<P>My H is out every weekend, trips to the beach, dinners out, movies, etc, with the girls he picks up over the net. I'm stuck at home with the kids, and going stark raving stir crazy. Adult conversation would be nice!!<P>He's having the time of his life - and as I posted on my thread...he's miserable underneath it all. <P>So I try to keep reminding myself that I am in this for the long term, and that I want to be truly happy. Surface happiness looks great - especially when we feel miserable, but I don't want to be just happy on the outside.<P>(((((hugs)))) Well, I don't if any of this helps. I haven't worked through my own anger and grief over this mess either. <P><P>------------------<BR>--BR<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

testing

Hi friends,<P>First off, I just wrote a huge response to everyone personally and it got lost in space! I dont' know what happened, but I'm not happy about it!<P>Thank you to everyone who replied to me. You guys don't know how much it helped me because I don't want to talk to my family or friends right now.<P>I agree with what everyone has said. I can't look outside myself or at others because I won't focus on me. I have to find my own happiness, somehow, and not by being in a relationship. I know this logically, but when you are in a relationship, and have been telling someone you love them, or they tell you they love you, and they were once very supportive, its very sad when they don't notice, or aren't there when you need them. Because that is partly what we expect in a relationship, someone to be there for us, in good times and bad. You don't have to be married to expect that, yet, why do I bother, my exH didn't respect that.<P>Anyhow, I am feeling a tiny bit better. I mowed the lawn, fertilized, planted, mulched and put out decorations today. The yard looks awesome! I feel like I did something good today. All by myself too. NO help from anyone.<P>My bf called a few times, paged me and wrote email but I didn't have the courage to talk until this evening. I feel him coming around. I see the person I fell in love with again. He was very kind and yet, I know he senses my own withdrawal now.<P>This is not a game. I don't have time for games, but giving him space was a challenge for me. I was scared. I cried a lot, but I did it out of love. Now I am used to not hearing from him, even though it hurts, I tune it out, and now I am afraid when he comes around because I'm afraid to get "used to it" if that makes sense.<P>But he tells me he loves me and I do believe him, because I love him even though we had our first rough time. We are making it thru. This is an accomplishment too for me, and yet, I still feel like I failed to an extent.<P>I made a mistake in my first post. I said no one ever cared about me. Well, my ex cared, but just not in the way I needed him too. And I dated someone last summer who was really the first person to be good to me, and I still miss him at times, but again, I have tuned that out a long time ago.<P>Relationships are so hard. I think we might even try harder in a relationship after divorce because of the failure we feel from the divorce. I know I'll never get over, or move past all the baggage/issues. But I have to learn to accept them, I believe that. I would be single for the rest of my life, if I waited to get over this divorce.<P>But today, I still feel like something is missing in my life. Today when I worked on the yard, I realized a few things. My exH is missing. He has a place in my heart and now that he's gone, it feels empty. <P>My boyfriend is missing. Not completely, but since he withdrew, I felt a loss there.<P>And I feel insecure when I interview for the 11th time and still no job. I am smart, hard working, fast learner, and a great employee, so why won't anyone hire me? Should I wear a wedding ring maybe? It's obvious I have kids by the daycare on my resume. Again with more unanswered questions. <P>I am not terribly religious, but I do say a prayer every night and I have for as long as I can remember. I read the bible when I'm confused, and it brings me comfort. I get great comfort when I read all the powerful messages people give us about how their faith helped them. But I do believe that there is a reason to have gone thru all of this, and I'm trying to be patient and find out why.<P>Thank you to everyone for all the cheering thoughts, encouragement, and especially the praise on the "space issue" with boyfriend. <P>I'm really not sure what I'm doing half the time. I have to WORK at NOT being a wife, and learn how to be a girlfriend again. It's tough. But I respect the need for his space, and will give it to him so that WHEN and IF he comes around, its on his terms and he's ready. Then I don't have to think I played games to "get him" in some way. The only downfall, is now its falling on me, and I'm backing away and now I'm afraid. Afraid he'll hurt me again, not even directly, but still paralyzed at times with fear.<P>Hugs to everyone, and I sure hope this post goes thru,<BR>Dana<BR>

Dana,<P>I am working right now on getting the courage to even date again. I find myself looking more for potential partners. I wish I were young again like my daughter. She is 17 and just broke up with her boyfriend of 21/2 years a few months ago. After a month of grieving she went on to date a few new guys and now has a more seriouse boyfriend again. I wish it were that easy for me. <P>I guess, I think you are doing it right by taking it slow ect. Funny though how seeing and talking to our ex's bring back all those old emotions. For me today anyway it was like a flash flood of emotion that seemed to wipe away all the reserves I had built up. So here I am trying to build them back up again.<P>I guess we just have to remember we can't change what was we can only deal with what is and pray for what could be.<P>Jill

Hi DanaB.<P>This is no way is said in any kind of a mean sprirt so please take it with a grain of salt. <P>So here goes..<P>Have you let go of your Xh?<P>I mean, really, really let go? <P>There is absolutly no reason for you to push yourself into any kind of relationship with a new person because of longing for past relationship.. <P>Just My .02$<BR>Tex.<P>

hoorah for the yard work!!! I know that was difficult in itself just getting yourself up and doing it..but I am sure that doing that gave you a sense of accomplishment..and being able to look at the work you accomplished..gave you a sense of pride..and gave that much needed ego boost in knowing you can do it..<P>And I'll keep you in my prayers about your job situation..<BR>And no, don't wear a wedding ring..because that gives a false impression of you..and you don't want to be deceptive in an interview...<P>Have you by chance looked online at companies which are hiring? Or have you looked into going to a Temp agency?<BR>I know that alot of companies hire from temp agencies..they have temp to perm postions..maybe going that route will help..and you can check out different companies and see which one you would like to work for, get to the other<BR>employees and see if you could actually work with them...<BR>Just a thought...<P><BR>