My daughter spends this weekend and next with her dad. I'm not too happy about that. I really miss her when she's gone.<P>But I think that part of the problem is that I'm beginning to feel guilty about feeling that I can make it on my own, without him.<P>I feel like I should be wanting him back. I should be in love with him. I should be fighting for him.<P>But I don't know anymore. I don't know if I even want these things anymore. <P>And that makes me so sad. <P>I have to give up fighting for him in order to do what has to be done --- get a better job and deal with divorce issues. But in doing so, I feel like I've betrayed myself. I've had to accept something that I was brought up to consider unacceptable.<P>And I don't know how to deal with this.<P>Is there something else I could have done?<BR>Is there something I haven't tried?<P>Why won't he fight for our marriage?<BR>Why won't he fight for me the way I've fought for him?<P>Why won't he even talk to me.<P>It'd be nice to know if he even cares. <BR>Part of me wants to feel that he does.<BR>But - he won't talk to me, he doesn't want to see me, when we do have to talk he's generally very cold, he says he doesn't love me, and he's trying to get custody of our daughter. He charged a fancy dinner and all that we probably would have done on my birthday, and spent it with his girlfriend. Filed for divorce at Christmas. No birthday or Christmas present......not even something for our daughter to give me (which really bothered her). <P>So cruel.<P>I should be turning from him and saying 'good riddance'. <P>I had to ask him for everything. I had no idea what our finances were like --- and I'm still wondering where all the money went. His needs came first. My needs weren't considered. He refuses to acknowledge my contributions to the marriage and his success. The opinions of his friends were more important than the opinion of his wife.<P>I am so torn.<BR>I want to let go of him. I feel like I should let go of him. But something tells me that it's wrong.<P>And at the same time, I feel like I don't have a choice.<P>I'm glad everyone is gone from the office now, late Friday afternoon. My eyes are just about cried out. That's one icon we need --- one for crying...maybe several different ones.<P>Thanks for listening gang.<P>~Amy

Out of the Fog,<P>Hugs to you. <P>It seems it is a sad day all around. I have not had a weekend w/out kids yet but once stbx gets himself a place here in town I will be without them EOW. I dread that. I'm sure the first bit will be liberating, no kids and my time, but then I see myself wandering around the house a night alone . <P>My most often asked question is why would he not even work on marriage? Why is counselling just the thing for me but he thinks that no one can tell him anything about himself that he does not already know? D is practically unheard of in my family, it just doesn't happen and I'm sure everyone will wonder why I couldn't make it work.<P>Hope you have better days ahead.<P>Take Care.

Amy,<P>No words of wisdom here, just empathy.<P>I hope you do something fun this weekend, and feel better.<P>Steve

((((((Amy))))))<P>It takes 2 to have a marriage. <P>And there is nothing wrong with being able to make it on your own. There's nothing wrong with independence!!<P>I don't think you can "force" letting go emotionally. You will when you are ready, and until then....just accept that you haven't. It takes time to grieve. Give yourself permission to do it for as long as you need to!<P><P>------------------<BR>--BR<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Thanks gang.<P>I made it through the weekend. <P>I spent Saturday with my sister, running all over looking for a new quilt for my bedroom. Found the pattern and price that I liked, but had to go to three stores and call another before we found it in the size that I needed.<P>Anyway, the important thing is that I finally removed the bed-set that we'd had on our bed for our entire 7 years of marriage. I cried. And then I couldn't go to sleep. When I finally did crawl in, it felt weird. But I was so tired. Last night wasn't as bad.<P>It's really odd looking at it. Complete change of colors and style for the room. It doesn't quite seem to fit. But when I made it up this morning, it felt right.<P>I wonder how my daughter is going to react to it. She knew I was planning on making a change in there.<P>And then I kept myself busy on Sunday with Walk America, gardening, and cleaning house.<P>Stbxh called this morning when he dropped off our daughter at daycare. <P>I'm wondering if he's reading these boards, because he did do something nice for me. Over 10 years ago I interviewed one of my grandmothers and recorded it on tape. It concerned our family's geneaology. Six months later she passed away. The tape is beginning to degrade, so I asked him if he could transfer it to CD for me....and maybe clean up some of the noise from the degradation of the media. He found the files while cleaning up his computer this weekend and burned 3 CDs of the interview for me and my family. <P>One of my degrees is in history. He knows that my family history is very important to me. Especially what little remains of my father's family since their keepsakes were damaged by seawater in transit to America and most of the remainder were stolen because they were in a box with some money and their immigration papers. That interview is one of the few times that my grandmother ever talked about her's or my grandfather's families.<P>The other thing is that he used the word 'we' this morning. And it wasn't in the context of us having to work together.<P>What does all this tell me?<BR>- Somewhere, deep down inside, he does still care.<BR>- He's having trouble too. <P>I wonder if the callous treatment of me is his way of defending himself? Steeling himself against his emotions?<P>I wish that he'd give into his emotions and face his fears. Give in to his desires to return and become a family. Face his fear of rowing up. Be the husband and father that I know he has the ability within himself to be....that I know he wants to be. <P>But he won't give up his youthful games. He won't grow up. He won't change as the demands of his life change. Nor will he accept that I don't care for his friends, they don't care for me, and that I'm not after awards in his club. I'm not a fanatic. He and his friends measure growth by awards. (And I think that's pretty sad.) [Through the awards, they define what types of growth are acceptable.]<P>Odd part? When we met we both felt this way about awards and cliqish groups. We didn't like them. My opinions thereto haven't changed. When did his? (Probably because he set a goal to get [and got] an award.)<P>I did the badge thing with Girl Scouts. I earned the highest award there. I don't have an interest in earning awards (as in setting goals and going after them). But I do like to be recognized for what I do. (To be told formally 'thank you' for my services.)<P>Anyway, I'm rambling, which is something I do when I'm tired. I'm kind of in a lazy, dreamy mood this morning.<P>~Amy