I can breathe again. It's the clearest way that I can put the very peaceful feeling that has overtaken me in the last few days. It's as if someone just came over and pulled the plug. No highs, no lows, nothing.<P> On Weds. my roommate spoke to the stbx, his relationship with the OW has come to a close. I feel no joy in this just a little bit of pity for what a waste it all was. Regret too that things didn't play out as I would have liked but I can't change the past and can only build on the future whatever that may be. One thing I learned through all of this is that life can and does change quickly.<P> I wrote my stbx today; it was an impulsive thought but one that felt right. It goes something like:<P>I get the feeling that in terms of perception of what happened between us and it's outcome is very different for each of us. Bound to happen given that we are both individuals and see our worlds differently.<P> First of all, I do not hate you. Do you remember when I told you that I loved you unconditionally? That was indeed true; there is nothing in this world that would make that go away. True, I may not cry everyday and I have opened myself to the possibilty of another relationship at some time in my life; but neither of those things negate the feelings I have for you. They couldn't. I fell in love with you all those years ago when things were tough; when we had no money and no direction in our lives. My love for you was never based on your material wealth nor the potential of it; it was based on who you are as a man. It still is even though I do take steps in the way of self preservation. I've found I love myself very much too.<P> Secondly, my being upset had very little to do in the way of your affair. Remember unconditional love? Well, that is a test of it and regardless of any "mistake" made on your part I would still have loved you, forgiven and in time forgotten. The only reason I kept at you over it is because it would not stop, because of the lying(truth no matter how painful is always preferable to a lie). The lying is what hurt me most because I always trusted you and in truth I looked up to you. You were my hero in a way. You were the man in my life I could count on to never compromise his integrity and no matter how hard would always tell the ugly truth. When I lost that it was akin to finding out your most favorite teacher is a child molester or something like that. The pedestal I had put you on in my mind had fallen apart and it left me feeling confused about so many things I had absolute faith in. It was a challenge to many of my beliefs in myself and my ability to see what was in front of me and my ability to "know" someone. That pedestal you were put on was never meant to be a pressure for being on it meant nothing more than being yourself. Because Roger, you are a very special person I saw it back then and I still see it now. Two months is not so very long you know. In leaving I grew up and these last two months have been a trial by fire to see where my weaknesses and strength lie. <P> I can now own up to my own mistakes and issues which probably put things in motion. Time away from a situation lends itself to introspection and also to a blossoming of sorts. I will never be rattled again and I've managed to achieve a sense of peace and stability I've never felt before in my life, like I'm awake for the first time in a long time. Money, "health problems", highway driving, shyness, all such trivial things in the scheme of life, there's far too much to be happy for and to live for to dwell on the fears that used to plauge me. When I cry now it's no longer in fear but rather for lost potential and for missing the presence of someone who is still dear to me. There were many times when you needed a cheerleader when I wasn't there for you. I see know because I have acted as inspiration for another(and no, not a boyfriend) and have the seen the effect of saying "I believe in you" has for another person. <P> There was a lot of pressure on you and I'm sorry that my selfishness didn't allow me to see it or respond to it. You worked so hard at times and doubted yourself, I thought you knew that I supported you. I took for granted that knowledge because I knew it but I should have let you know it every day. <P> I do believe in you Roger; even though I may never see you again I believe in you. You are a beautiful person with so much to build on once you find your feet. I would so wish to be there to offer you my hand and know that it's always extended to you. I could never stay angry with you......what can I say I'm a softie at heart and will forever be.<P> I love you Roger. The time away and the things said and done between us have not changed that. You always have a friend and an admirer in me. Do I take a risk in telling you this? Yes, but life without risk is not life and I say what I feel and what I think. <P> Well, gotta go now. Going over mom's to play with Ambi. I'll squish her for you. She's getting fat, I'm going to have to get a leash and drag her along on my nightly three mile sprint. Little chubmeister. :P <P>Meg<P>Risky and opening the door for more rejection? Yes, but I've come to not expect anything in return for my feelings. I do love him unconditionally and it doesn't turn one way or the other based upon his response(or lack of) to what I say. I've learned that playing the defensive does nothing more than create a negative response, I give my love and respect to him freely and there's no price attached.<P>In some ways I almost feel as if I should thank him; through all this I have come to know myself and my weaknesses and strengths. It makes me feel very good that my feelings for him persevre regardless of all this. It tells me that my choices where based on the right things.<P>I still have my moments when I cry; I sold some of the jewelry he gave me and I cried as I left the diamond exchange. But those material things that I was hanging onto in the hopes of recapturing some moment in time are meaningless; the real stuff, the feelings, are still there, alive and well.<BR>

Hi Meg... (can I call you that?)<P>Just wanted you to know what a beautiful letter you sent to him. Your attitude is so healthy and your unconditional love is a model to me.<P>I also appreciate the way you articulated your true feelings about him - and the expectations you had... I too held/hold my H up on some sort of pedastal and yet when he'd deviate from my expectation of being on that level, I'd react... and that's what negatively affected him - year after year for nine years.<P>Oh well... I too feel gratitude and thanks to him for this whole ordeal... for wanting to divorce! Actually, if I look at our marriage I too was dissatisfied... and I thank him for shaking this whole thing up... now, it hasn't been easy in fact, it's been incredibly painful. But, I'm thankful for what I've learned about myself, God and others through this. <P>So, thanks for articulating your thoughts and modeling a love that is Christlike... I'm not trying to flatter you or make you feel funny. Just want to let you know that I appreciated your note. Cheers! Nicole<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

((((((Nduli))))))<P>That was a nice letter. Give him some space now, who knows what the future could hold. Hugs, Dana<P>PS what happened to ow?<BR>

Didn't get the details it was thrown out in the context of "well, I knew that relationship would never work out." The OW was too young I suspect(a very young 23 vs a very old 30) and their personalities where very different. <BR> I do have to say that while I'm not surprised that it didn't last I am a bit annoyed. I mean he pledged his eternal love and devotion to this woman and set out to emotionally distance himself from me for her and all for a two month fling. didn't he know that I would have forgiven him?<BR> I have pulled back completely after sending that, give him space and some for me too. I broke off the emerging relationship I had started. I need time to just be myself and not be "x's wife" or "x's girlfriend". I have to lot I want to accomplish and the time and opportunity to do it. The stbx is at the back of my mind now but the door is opened a crack if he wants to peek in. No pressure.

Very cool. Keep us posted.<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Today is starting off a bit rocky. I miss him so much, I only wish I could speak to him again as a friend. <BR> He cut me off from the bank account this week and I just found out today....oh well, I suppose I am "the enemy" now so to speak. I left a voice mail just telling him that a heads up would have been nice but no worries, I understand why.<BR> It cuts deeply to know that he thinks I'm out to get him, I have no other way than words and actions to prove to him that this is not the case. I haven't harrassed him in all the time I've been away but yet he still sets me up on the opposing end. I'm just not going to respond to it. If it makes him feel better to convince himself that I am out for blood then so be it. I'll let my actions speak for themselves.

Ooooh, ouch...<P>Well, I like your plan - actions definitely speak louder than words. Hang in there... protect HIM from yourself - that is if you're prone to angry outbursts, selfish demands or disrepectful judgments (or any of the other LBs).<P>Cheers!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

I too loved your letter. I sat and cried while I read it hoping that one day I too would be able to write something like that. <P>My H also thinks that I am out for blood. I did once say, Dec of 99, before I knew OW was an OW, I said if you are having an A with her I will take you for all you got. I NEVER believed that he would have an A, but guess who got fooled. Anyway, I don't want this D but I will not let him walk all over me anymore and just walk out on his responsibilities. Yes, life has responsibilities and if yiou think that is going for blood then I can't stop that. I want what is FAIR, REASONABLE and Just. I have 3 small kids to think of and of course myself. I don't want any of this but YOU are FORCING me to stand up and protect myself from YOU, My Husband, lover, friend, father of my children. I hate you , I love you. Can't you see how terrible this will be for the rest of our lives. I am NOT A BAD, Greedy, person. I have done NOTHING to consciously try to HURT you the way you have hurt me and unfortunately, hurt the kids. But I know, I am the monster for wanting what is mine.<P>Anyway, the letter was beautiful and I just wanted to say that but got sidetracked.<P>HOpelessmom

Dear Meg,<P>How did you get the user name Nduli? I like your name Meg. Your letter is one to be proud of. You worded your feelings so clearly yet without malice or pressure. I to got a bit choked up when I read it. It sounds as if you are at the acceptance stage of your life. <P>Who is to say what the future will hold for you? Whatever it is, you will make it work. You are a beautiful lady with the good qualities of love and care in your heart. It is my wish that you find the happiness you deserve.<P>If your H can see the error of his ways and is able to retrieve the beautiful gift that was once his, he will be blessed. You are that beautiful gift. <P>Thank you so much for sharing your letter. It is encouraging. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P>

Thanks I stopped using the name "Meg" as it is the name of the OW as well(*shiver*) It's funny, my stbx stopped calling me Meg and reverted to Margaret and she became Meg instead. I wonder if it ever bothered him that she had the same name?<BR> No response, as expected. H has never been comfortable with emotions and this whole seperation/divorce was handled in a very ham handed and clumsy way. No thought went into the decision and he basically just went on gut feelings for the OW.<BR> I don't kid myself that this is easy on him or that he's having a good time. My h was very lonely as a bachelor and is very awkward and shy around women. OW undoubtedly made the first move, most of his girlfriends including me did.<BR> He's made no move towards keeping the lines of communication open and that's sad. My H never learned the value of having and keeping the people in his life that love him(long story but I'm not the first person he has written off like this) and one day it will come back to haunt him.

Hi Meg!<P>You know you bring up something I hadn't realized until you said it --<P>My ex-H used to call me Sher all the time -- never, ever Sheryl. Until the end... then I was Sheryl... and that stung.<P>I love your name, by the way... and you're the Meg that matters, right?? <P>By the way, I love your letter.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Meg (or how 'bout Margo? )...<P>What is status of your divorce? Is HE filing or are you? I'm a little confused... this whole thing affair and such has happened from start to finish in the last six months, no? <P>So, is there NO chance for your marriage now that the OW is out of the picture? I may have missed some of your more informative posts about where things are in the process so forgive my ignorance if this is the case.<P>Take care friend.<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Honestly I couldn't tell you, he's the one filing but hasn't done so yet.<P>My whole story:<P>My h and I had lived together for 9 years. Moved out of NY to VA and basically had a great life together. People would ask us why we weren't married and we both would say that there was no rush and that we were as good as married anyway. <BR> Around Sept. of this year we got the marriage license, set the date(Oct. 28) and got ready to actually get married. H met the OW at this time at work and began being "friends" with her.<BR> We get married(I had asked him countless times if he was sure about all this, he said "I love you and want to spend my life with you", direct qoute.)and suddenly things seem a bit off. H gets withdrawn and sullen. Starts spending weekends at "work" and in the begining of Dec. announces out of the blue that he wants a seperation. No reason is given and he leaves to stay at his mother's house. I try desperately to get him to talk to me, to tell me why this happened. He says his feelings have changed and nothing more. I ask if there is someone else and he flatly denies it. I believe him as I feel he isn't capable of hurting me this way. <BR> In two weeks he returns and says he'll try again. A very tense X-mas and New Years and on New Year's day I find out about the OW through an e-mail he left on his monitor when he stormed out of the house.<BR> I'm shocked, I'm upset and when he comes home I confront him with it. He shrugs and says "yeah so?" and tells me this woman makes him feel great and he loves her and wants to be with her. I throw him out of the house and he goes to live with mom.<BR> This goes back and forth until Feb. He comes back, says he wants to leave and does and then does it again. Waffling between me and her. Finally in Feb. it becomes clear that the OW is not going anywhere and so for the sake of my sanity(and his) I leave and come home to NY.<BR> He tells me over the phone that he wants the divorce and that's that and well, here I am.<BR> It makes no sense and it was over so fast. I only wish I could get through to him and let him know he doesn't need to fear me but he won't listen to me anymore and has just cut me off completely.

Ok, wow...<P>So, is he willing to get some counseling? It doesn't seemed doomed yet? What timing! Right when you got married. You've got to find out where he's at with all of this and get some help - make a plan. Have you contacted the Harley's yet? I'm afraid if you don't, you may regret it... 9 years is a long time to throw away. But an affair is a devastating blow...<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

I asked a few times about counseling and he agreed once and then I never heard about it again. I do think he needs counseling for himself as what's happening with us is repeating a pattern which happens every so often in his life.<BR> When he was a child his mother was a concert pianist and she literally dragged him from country to country with her. He's lived all over Eurpoe but has never stayed in one place for more than two years at a stretch. He was never allowed to have friends or stay in school. The time he spent with me is the longest he's spent with anyone.<BR> He had said that the marriage had pushed him to end things quicker than he had wanted to and that the idea of permenace was a bit too much for him to take. The OW came along at the right time and since he doesn't want to be alone she made him feel as if just giving up was the right thing to do. She also persued him heavily and promised him the moon.<BR> I'm not sure how he feels about me now. When I first left he was crying every morning and wasn't sure about the divorce, I was such an emotional wreck I just wanted to come home and called often crying and begging to come back. It was after one of these calls that he said I want a divorce. I know that had I not pushed so much this would not have gone as far as it has. I just was so out of control in those early days that I can't even remember most of what happened, my own fog was heavy.<BR> When I speak to him tonight I'm praying I can maintain composure and not go into hysterics, it only drives him away. I'm hopeful in that he sounded as if he wanted me to call back when he could really talk but I'm also scared. I was about to drive down South and surprise him but I nixed that idea. I feel that if he could only see me talking would be so much easier at arms length it's easy to dismiss me.