having an attractive spouse is one of my most important emotional needs. my wife has gained about 30 pounds which is way too much for her 5ft. frame. she doesn't like to be seen naked and i don't find her attractive when she is naked. the excess weight is a turn off. i have no problem with her being a little overweight but her condition now is just too much. i've spent countless hours working out and have always been in great shape and my w loves it but i've had to contend with her weight. i know many people will say things like there just more to love, i agreed to love her for who she is not what she is and what about who she is inside and the commitment to love for better or worse? ok, ok. still the need for an attractive spouse is a valid emotional need according to dr. harly. so, i was wondering if any of you share in this situation and how you deal with it. i see couples all the time in which one is very much overweight and wonder how they stand it. of course, there are many other things that can be just as much a love buster but this is the one i'm concerned with now. so, what are your thoughts?

i didn't get any responses to this post earlier but it is important to me so i'm reposting it. i hope this is the right way to do it. anyway, i sure would like to your your thoughts on this.

Frankie,<p>I will take a stab at this. I've read it several times and have tried to come up with a response that I am satisfied with so here goes.<p>If you do indeed feel that this is the most important thing for you then I suppose you have the right to want her to change. One thing that is very important to keep in mind though is that you can not change anyone but yourself. My advice is for you to get over your hang up on her appearance. Remember the other things about your wife that you do love. I would imagine that if you work on the other love busters you mention that she may start to take care of herself. There is nothing that helps a woman look better than to be loved by the man she loves. I read another person reaction about cooking healthy meals for her. Get her to go on a romantic nightly walk with you. Plan activities that get her moving. In the end though you must realize that she has to decide to do it.<p>I WAS (and I emphasize was) overweight when my H and I married. He was a little overweight but not much. Two years ago I lost 70 pounds and have kept it off. My H found the 70 pounds and does nothing about it. I'm not turn off by it but it does get in the way of making love or even just having a good time because he is always tired. There is so much more that plays into this though, his depression, and other marital problems. I choose to not focus on this right now because I feel that fixing the other problems will help with this one. <p>I suggest that you be encouraging to her. Buy her clothes that help her look pretty now. Shower her with love and your return wil be ten fold. She's not going to do anything about it if all she gets is negative comments. Give her positive comments that encourage her.<p>In the end it comes down to you deciding, is it more important to have an attractive wife, or one that loves, honors, and cherishes you forever.<p>Steph

I agree with Steph. You could have married a baywatch babe who's a complete *****, cheats on you, steals your money, etc...if you get my drift. Personality is much more important in the long run...all of us get old eventually, we do not keep our looks forever. So when you're 70 and wrinkled together, would you rather have a wrinkly old *****, or a wrinkly kind, loving, humorous, faithful wife? Ponder this...

I agree. Even tho my h and I are having problems right I love him and when his hair looks goofy to me or he has put on an extra 15 lbs right in the tummy, or his hair is getting mostly gray etc. that does nothing to change the way I feel (FEEL) about him even when we are touching because I am feeling the personality or the person on the inside now. Obviously I don't want him to be grossly fat. I figure he won't be.<br>didi

steph, thanks for your response and the rest of you as well. you make a good point when you say she ust be the one to decide to do something about the weight, i can only accept it and encourge her in everyway i can. i don't want an overweight angel for a wife, nor do i want beautiful bit$$ either. but i believe there is a vast middle ground in which there are many acceptable people. these require many compremises of varying amounts. i think that is what i am to my w and that is what we strive to get in the long run. i guess we'll don't have the right to expect the perfect spouse, but we should expect to have someone that meets our minimally acceptable range. my w should lose the 30lbs.. i well help her and be grateful for the good attribute. now if i can just looking longingly at the more attractive woman and feeling like i'm missing something.

I just have a quick question for you. If your wife losing the weight is important to you are you ready to buy your wife a membership to a gym, reduce her work hours so she can go to the gym, and the new clothes when she does loose weight, not to mention the all the diet/or mineral supplements she might need? Or are you expecting her to just stop eating? Please, be realistic and don't make her feel worse about her weight than she probably already does. I gained 30 lbs. when I moved in with SO. It took over a year to loose and in that year we joined a gym, started playing sports, and had to start spending more on food and vitamens. If you really want to help her that's great, but don't just expect the weight to disappear. Also, noone can make another person become ready to loose weight. You'll just make her feel worse (and possibly gain more weight) if you keep harping on it.

I'm a little disappointed in the responses to frankie. The bottom line is that having an attractive spouse IS a GENUINE EMOTIONAL NEED for some people. It may seem extremely superficial in comparison to needs such as "honesty" or "affection", but it should be taken seriously.<p>Steph, you said:<p> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If you do indeed feel that this is the most important thing for you then I suppose you have the right to want her to change. One thing that is very important to keep in mind though is that you can not change anyone but yourself. My advice is for you to get over your hang up on her appearance. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><p>The advice to "get over it" is counterproductive to frankie. It's his NEED. If you have a need for sexual fulfillment, how would you feel if your spouse said: "Get over it..." I agree on everything else that you said: elimination of lovebusters is a prerequisite to meeting any of your spouses emotional needs (or having yours met). And I think that all the advice you gave afterwards on how to accomplish aiding his wife to lose weight was great (and creative).<p>Frankie: I'd suggest that this situation could be "upsetting" to your wife. What you need to first do is to create an environment in your marriage in which any form of honesty is a desired expression of love. That means that you need to eliminate lovebusters (both you and your wife), and that you need to encourage honesty. Once you're there; you should be able to bring up this emotional need with your wife. And the two of you should be able to come up with a plan TOGETHER to meet this need: use the Policy of Joint Agreement to discuss and implement a plan. Don't forget that positive reinforcement is always more effective in helping to change habits, and that you should really go all out in encouraging your wife. You should also be willing to listen to what you could be doing better to meet your wife's needs, and reciprocate in kind.<p>Good luck.

k., thanks for the suggestions and support. i had overlooked the earlier negative like postings. i chaulked it up to simple errors in communications. one thing i've learned lately it that we must assume the other person means to do good, well. i can't afford to let one or two appartly negative acts convience me that another person means me harm. i work in a prison and know beyond any doubt that really great people make big mistakes, but they are still good people. i'm not a purest and idealist when it comes to doing or being everything the bible tells us. anyway, i too have backslid in my desire and willingness to stay in shape, not much, but enough to appreciate how it happens with so many people. i think alot about becoming a personnal trainer when i retire because i'm pretty good at motivating and encouageing people to do things and i use the same techniques with my w. i can assure you, i do not harp nor criticise anyone because of their excess weight or eating habits or whatever. everyone is already hypersensitive about their appearance, especially their weight, because of all the media hype.

You may not like this but ...<p>She didn't gain 30 lbs overnight. To the extent that you didn't fight it early you supported it. It's going to take time to turn it around.<p>Maybe what you should do is work with her to bring her eating into control. Fix healthy meals ... get both of you involved in something other than hanging out on the couch ... find out what's depressing her (that's often the case in overeating). Get interested in sex again if you aren't now.<p>The key to making this work is to start up her desire to lose wieght in very small ways, kind of like starting a fire with with flint and twigs. After you get it started you have to rely on HER desires to lose wieght, not yours. Otherwise it won't work.<p>Remember that you also have some responsibility in her wieght gain. Reeling this problem in when it was only 5 lbs would be sooo much easier on both of you, but that's history.

My husband gained at least 30 pounds<br>too. When we dated he had a 32 inch<br>waist and the last several months he<br>has asked for size 36 waist pants. (too<br>much beer I guess) His weight is somewhat a minor thing. I have not said anything to him in regards to his weight. I have suggested walks or joining a gym but he shows no interest. He knows that he is "loosing his look" He will look at pictures and say " yuk! look how fat I look!" my<br>response is "start working out then or cut<br>down on the beer" Thats the extent of<br>it. Women on the other hand are VERY<br>sensivitive to this subject. If my husband got to the point where he did not find me attractive, I would rather have the brutal truth but in a sensitive approach.<p><br>

This is a very sensitive subject, having an attractive spouse is a legitimate emotional need, however, what if something happened that she had no control over???? Breast cancer??? A disfiguring accident?? Does one of the vows in marriage for better or for worse come to mind??? Is there a reason she has put on the 30 lbs?? I can sympathize with her...I recently stopped smoking after 30 years and put on 25. I feel the same as her, uncomfortable in my own body, believe me it doesn't feel good, especially when you are used to being thin. I have been here before, after babies, so I know it takes hard work to lose the weight. I am now working on getting back into shape, but the older you get the harder it is to lose. You say you work out and keep yourself in shape...do you ask her to come with you to the gym? Try to help her to eat healthy by not bringing anything she shouldn't be eating into the house? Make it a together time...let her know you want to help, that you love her no matter what she looks like, and be there for her. Compliment her and tell her you see improvements in her body, and be forgiving when she isn't in the best of moods. I can tell you if you want the pounds to go away it is going to take a lot of patience on your part too. If she is to lose the weight and keep it off she needs to do it the right way and the right way, unfortunately, is always a slow way. Good luck to you and to her.

I can understand you. I have the same problem with my wife's weight and the only thing i can tell you is if you want her to loose weight do it in a supportive, non pressuring way cause I learned the hard way and forcing her or hurting her feelings didnt help...I got the best response from her when I worked out with her and really tried to help her with her weight problem. In other words be nice and gentle about it.

The topic of weight is such a sensitive area. First of all find out if there is a physical reason for being overweight...like diabetes, thyroid, there's an ovarian disease that makes a woman gain weight and grow hair on her face, etc... If there are no physical reasons, then look at the prospect of food being a drug to some. Yes there are food addicts and they would do anything to get it. But like a drug addict... a food addict has to want to control this vice and it takes support and counceling the whole nine yards. Sometimes willpower has nothing to do with it. The thing is once a woman or man begins to lose the weight...the self-esteem goes up and the energy goes up....and sex drive too. The only sad thing is sometimes women or men lose weight if they have fallen for someone else and when they lose it they are out of the marriage. It is ultimately in that persons hands to change their lives. And for crying out loud ....being called a cow or elephant does not help.

Sometimes excess weight is due to another factor - food being used to fill needs that are not being filled in the marriage. Especially if the H cuts off sexual involvement with his W - she may start to use food to fill the emotional void. Also, the W may gain weight as a way to avoid any possible interest by other men, because her H is neglecting her and by not being attractive to other men, she is "protecting" her marriage and herself from temptation to get her needs met by another man. Or, there are many physical reasons why one gains weight, including thyroid disease. I had thyroid disease and a neglectful husband. I gained 40 lbs over the course of 5-6 years. I got no affection and very little sexual contact from my H. When he had an affair and left me, I lost 45 lbs within a span of 4-5 months, and I have kept it off. Once the emotional abuse was removed from my life, I was able to maintain a normal weight! What's even more amusing is, that my H's mistress has found the 45 lbs that I lost!!!!

Lady M...I wonder if he will leave her for a thinner version?

Jonquil -<P>So far he has not shown any signs of leaving her (that I know of). However, he told his mom and several friends that he thought I looked pretty good. (But not good enough, apparently!!) So - he threw away a nice wife and beautiful home and 17 year marriage for her and she gains about 40 lbs. Poetic justice, wouldn't you say?!!!?

Yes! poetic justice indeed! I wonder if there should be a new topic created? "Excess Weight, Hurts affair." LOL~~~

Jonquil - there's a thought!! But we don't want anyone thinking we support affairs in any way! Actually, though, my whole story is even more bizarre than the "twist of weight" that I told you about! If you would like to read the whole story, go to the Infidelity Forum and see my post under "Did I Do the Right Thing?" It was originally posted on 03/05/99. Have a wonderful day!!!!

lady M,<P>Gee I didnt know that people really married just to have children, I was under the impression they married for love and were blessed with children later on. <BR>I read your story and it must have been quite a roller coaster ride for you. If he really loved this ow, why did he want to come back to you when he thought he had aids because of her background? That doesnt sound like love to me. Sounds like he was running back to you to comfort him like a mother figure and when he found out he didnt have it he was right back with her. His love for you must have been weak but he stayed with you and shared his life with you. It's like he told you he didnt feel the same so he could have an out when and if he did meet someone he was attracted to. At any rate you deserve a better love than this and I pray you find it someday. Just keep your chin up and believe that God has wonderful things in store for you~~~