Naughty, Jayhawk. Naughty.<P>And now, I shall have to punish you in a manner befitting such naughtiness. How about blonde jokes all day long? No--not quite right. Ah! How about helpdesk jokes!<P>How many Help Desk technicians does it take to change a lightbulb? <P>It can't need to be changed--that can't happen. Have you tried turning it off and on? Have you read the manual? <P><BR>One every half hour for the rest of the day . . . unless you can top me!<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Ok, CJ. Some of us do work, but I'll see what I can do for your challange....<P><BR>An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

OK, I'll probably get in trouble for this...<P>AIRPLANES VS. WOMEN <BR>Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time. <BR>Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch. <BR>Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.' <BR>Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection. <BR>Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation. <BR>Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.<BR>Airplanes can be flown any time of the month. <BR>Airplanes don't come with in-laws. <BR>Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown. <BR>Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time. <BR>Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes. <BR>Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines. <BR>Airplanes expect to be tied down <BR>Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills. <BR>Airplanes don't try and make you crash and burn. <BR>Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong, and <BR>when airplanes go quiet, it's a bad thing.<BR><P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:<P>10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.<P>9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.<P>8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.<P>7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.<P>6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.<P>5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.<P>4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.<P>3. Hi. Now YOU say something.<P>2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.<P>And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.<P>1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

You know, I am SOOOOOOO lucky. I am a Jewish government worker who works on an Accounting software helpdesk, so I can make jokes about myself FOREVER and never run out of material!<P>Here's a good "government worker" joke:<P>Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a computer tech, and the fifth was a government worker. <BR> <BR>To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty incredible. <BR> <BR>But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and commanded "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. <BR> <BR>But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was more than a little impressive. <BR> <BR>The computer tech knew he could top them all. "Hard Drive, have at it." Hard Drive crossed the room and booted the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent an email, and installed a cool new game. Everyone knew that was a tough act to follow. <BR> <BR>Then the four men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" <BR> <BR>The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff, Boy." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, erased all the files on the computer, sexually assaulted the other four dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for a six-month sick leave, on <BR>full pay. <P><BR>CJ<P>P.S. Bad boy, Nick. Bad! I'm looking for my Castle Anthrax paddle, but I think I left it at home!<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!''<P>''I know!'' the next woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house but when I called he wasn't there.'' <P>The third woman says, ''I always know where my husband is.''<P>''Impossible!'' both women say, ''He has you completely fooled!''<P>''Oh no,'' says the woman. ''I'm a widow.''

You are falling behind, CJ....<P>There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it, looked into his pocket, asked for another beer. Which he chugged, then looked into his pocket, and asked for another beer. This went on for a while then the bartender finally asked, 'How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?' The man said, 'because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I'm gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home.'

Where are you, CJ? And I thought it was you who extended this challenge....<P>Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.<P>"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.<P>Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.<P>The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.<P>To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.<P>Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

You guys are too much,<BR>LOL at my desk, boy do I need it-Thanks alot<P>I really wish I could add-but you know what? I'll just sit back and take it in <P><BR>Jayhawk-I thought you had work to do????<P>Petrie

Petrie,<P>I do have work to do, but this has turned out to be a nice way to break up the day. I guess CJ is out enjoying some "libations" on this beautiful May Day. I should come to expect this from a Colorado resident.....<P><BR>An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.<BR>''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.'' *** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.<BR>''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.'' *** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.<BR>''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks. *** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.<BR>She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''

I hear ya, Jayhawk<BR>Hey, I am at the office too, yet here I lurk <P>Keep them coming<BR>laughter is sooooooo gooooooood

Ok then, Petrie, since CJ is nowhere to be found, here is another one for you...<P>A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept my promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."

<B>Jayhawk</B><P> That last one was a GOOD ONE!!<P>Thanks for keeping me smiling today!! I needed that! <BR>

Hi, you guys! I just got out of a three and half hour training class and I think my brain is going to explode! Is it possible to drink aspirin?<P>Anyway, thanks, Jayhawk, for keeping the joke stream flowing. Now, here is my latest addition:<P>A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. <P>"I don't care, just do something about those drivers." <P>So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said: <P>SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. <P>Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign: <P>SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. <P>And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?" <P>The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer. <P>Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" <P>"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone. The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..." <P>So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words: <P>SLOW: NUDIST COLONY. <P><BR> <P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Shawn, I guess you got very little done yesterday at work! But very nice funnies. Glad to see you were laughing some....<P>Here is the only one I know:<P>A guy is sitting at a bar enjoying his beer when this older man stumbles in behind him, obviously drunk. He slaps the young guy on the back and says, "Hey buddy! I saw your mother naked last night...she was so hot....mm mm." The young guy turns back to his beer, annoyed, but not wanting any trouble, and the drunk older man stumbles away, muttering under his breath. <P>The older man comes back a few minutes later, slaps the young man on the back and says, "I had sex with your mother last night, and buddy she was great...all night long, yes siree!" The younger man starts to seethe, but still contains his anger, resuming his drink. The older man leaves only to return a few minutes later. "Hey buddy, I--" The young guy puts his hand up in frustration, and cuts the drunk off, midsentence. "Dad, go home. You're drunk!"

With the additional time at hand, I have been enjoying golfing. Heard a cute one last night on the tee box. May be just a little sexist, but .....<P>A man and his wife joined a couples league, and the first night, it was an alternate shot format. The husband, being quite the accomplished golfer cranks out a 260 yard drive on the first par four. He tells his wife, don't worry about it, just hit the ball towards the green. She shanks it into the woods! He goes into the woods, pulls out a miracle shot and ends up on the green, 4 feet from the hole. He tells his wife, just putt it into the hole---don't worry about it. She putts the ball, only to send it into the sand trap on the other side of the green. He tells her, don't worry about it. He goes into the sand trap, and holes out the sand shot!!! After retrieving his ball from the hole, he exclaims, see, nothing to worry about, we got a 5, a bogie, on the first hole. She promptly exclaims, "Well, don't blame me, I only hit it twice!"

There was a captain of a ship and sometimes he and his crew would have drills preparing for battle in the event they should see an enemy ship approaching. Every time they had the drill, the captain would shout, "Enemy ship approaching. Bring me my red shirt."<P>After they had gone through the drill several times, a member of the crew asked, "Captain, everytime we do this, you ask for your red shirt. Why?"<P>The captain replied, "In the event I am injured, I don't want you to see the blood and be frightened and give up the fight."<P>One day, the captain actually sees an enemy ship approaching and he sounds the alarm and cries out,"Enemy ship approaching. Bring me my brown pants."