My wife of 23 years has moved out of our house, and we are in the middle of financial negotiations. She has a good job(not without the negative financial ramifications of females pay scale) but makes less than I. I would appreciate your comments on this letter I am thinking of sending her regarding alimony. <P>XXXXX,<BR>In yesterday’s e-mail regarding our financial condition, you again wrote about future alimony payments. I have struggled with this issue every time it has been mentioned. I am not saying that it won’t happen, but I want to honestly share with you my feelings. Granted, this is from my perspective, but please hear me out.<P>Although I didn’t understand what motivated me at the time, I now comprehend what satisfaction I realized with our marriage. As with most men, I received a lot of happiness of having a wife who was happy. Your happiness was my ultimate goal---I couldn’t be a “Mother”---that bond was never as strong as the one you have with our kids. I love them dearly, and would do anything in the world for them. But, I had a stronger, deeper sense of love for doing anything in the world for you. That was my motivation. And unfortunately, I led us into emotional role reversal. Ironically, the more I did to try and support your drive as a Mother, the less attractive I became as a man. Water under the bridge, but definitely a lesson learned. <P>So, from my perspective, if I was the one who wanted to dissolve our marriage, alimony would be due. If I had been physically abusive, alimony would be due. If I had betrayed our marriage, and found another woman to love, alimony would be due. If we had made a concerted effort to save our marriage, yet had found the differences too immense or the effort too great, and had jointly said it wasn’t going to ever work, alimony would be easier to accept. I will be the first to admit that I was totally blind to the level of unsatisfaction you had with marriage for so many years. I am sorry that I didn’t take charge years ago----my tendency to “avoid” was a fatal flaw. But, I can’t change what I did or did not do---in a sense, I have been able to forgive myself for those things.<P>You know me very well and understand that I don’t want to live a life of luxury while you struggle to make ends meet. Our kids will be spending the majority of time with you, and I want their surroundings to be pleasant and to have two homes. But, our standard of living will change---money will be tighter. I truly hope we can work things out so that both of us can live happy, contented lives.<BR>

The last part would be fine because you do comment about it being tighter having two house holds. BUT, I wouldn't send the first part. Remember, anything you put in writing can be used in court against you. Your comments about paying her alimony under CERTAIN conditions could lead the courts to believe that you can afford it but because she wants the divorce you don't want to pay it. In most States the courts will look at it as revenge and regardless of what she did that is the only thing they will see. So, in my opinion, don't comment about that. Alimony isn't like it was years ago. It's harder for working women to receive it and if they do, it is only for a short period of time. It depends just how much more your salary is and how old your kids are.

Though I applaud your letter, I am puzzled, What purpose do you think it will serve? You know your wife, will this in any way change her mind? I do not anything about your situation but by reading your letter it sounds similar to mine and I do know that if I sent my wife that letter she would think that it is "Controling". She would percive it as a "Guilt Trip" letter.<P>Alimony is a tough issue. I like you don't agree with it in my case. If this goes to court will you be ordered to pay? I am presuming that you have consulted a lawyer in regards to the financial aspects of the "D".<P>This used to be my .02 cents worth but through the "D" negotiations it's now my .0099375 cents worth.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

To Bonnie and Lost------oh the benefit of this board!!!! I guess it was therapeutic to write it, but I will not send it. It wasn't intended to change her mind about the divorce, other than to tell her to reconsider even asking for alimony. But, this is a legal issue----if I don't agree to the dissolution, I don't have to sign. We can go to court----she is the one that abandoned the home. In a year, I will have grounds to file for a divorce. Thanks for your replies----

DC,<P>I wouldn't send that letter a all. It would be very easy to read condescention and disrespect into it, and could be read as an invitation to disaster. If you have a lawyer, it might be a good idea to print out a copy of that email she sent for him to read.<P>Whatever arrangements you finally make will have to be negotiated between you and your ex or settled in court. Mutual agreement is the best option. A part of the art of negotiating is allowing that to happen, you just can't rush the process. There is no way of predicting how your wife will react, but if someone sent that letter to me, it would open the door for me to respond with anger.<P>Generally speaking, the party with the greatest need for a divorce is the one who gets the short end of the financial stick. It will be up to you if that works for you or against you.<P>Bumper

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Generally speaking, the party with the greatest need for a divorce is the one who gets the short end of the financial stick.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I do not believe that is true. The custodial parent is the one who gets the short end of the stick, especially when the custodial parent is the one with the smaller income. The non-custodial parent in my state is never required to pay more than a certain percentage of his income in child support, no matter how many kids he has. He only has to support the first three kids. If his income goes down, he is allowed to pay less. If my income goes down, my kids starve and we are out on the street. He gets to share expenses with a wealthy OW and live high off the hog even while he is not working, while the kids and I live in poverty. Getting out of having to support their families is one of the many benefits of leaving for a better financial deal.

Nellie1,<P>Sure have to agree with you on that one. There is just no way this divorce process ever gets close to being fair to the kids. From a financial standpoint, the kids are almost always worse off after a divorce then they were before it. The whole idea of growing up in a home with a loving mom and a loving dad is lost to them.<P>That is also true for the wife. Her standard of living almost always goes down following divorce, and since custody is awarded to the mother in the overwhelming majority of cases, your observation about the custodial parent comes true.<P>The point I was trying to make could have been clearer, the generality was purposeful. A BS with children who doesn't have a particular need to divorce right away isn't pressured to ceding anything at the negotiating table because of time constraints or pressure from the new squeeze. The WS, under pressure from the OP, and wanting to get on with the new life, may be willing to concede more than the minimum required by law just to get the matter settled.<P>It isn't politically correct to say this, but somewhere between eighty and eight-five percent of divorced fathers meet and exceed the legal requirements to support their kids. True, the custodial parent must take steps to protect him/herself and the children at the time of the divorce and/or separation agreement, but divorced dads aren't anywhere near as bad as we are made out to be.<P>Bumper

Studies of the child support guidelines reveal that they are too stingy at lower household incomes, about right at household incomes around $35k/yr, and then become progressively extortionary at higher incomes. It is inaccurate to say that CPs get a worse deal because it depends on the income and the specifics of the state guidelines involved. My own case in point: Were my wife and I to divorce, the state guideline CS amount exceeds our entire household budget. This can scarcely be called "child support" and is aptly characterized as hidden alimony. And while its true that courts do allow downward modification of CS, studies have shown that increases outnumber decreases by a ratio of about 2:1. The system bias is to ratchet CS up and not let the pressure off. Finally, I agree with you that having the guidelines cap at 3 children makes no sense, but that's a byproduct of the indirect cost estimation used in income shares calculation. Cost-shares estimation would consider actual out of pocket expenses and would adapt for higher numbers of children.<P>Bystander<p>[This message has been edited by Bystander (edited May 02, 2001).]