I am having a major problem with my husband. When we first began seeing each other, I lied to him when he asked me about what I & my ex-boyfriend had done together. I know that I was wrong to lie to him, even if I lied so I wouldn't hurt him (so I thought at the time). I have told him how sorry I am and have accepted my responsibility for my actions. He says that he wants to forgive but can't seem to do it. He asks me to do little things to make him feel more comfortable in trying to forgive me. He has become extremely angry over the fact that I lied. All that he has asked me to do is not lie to him, do what I say I am going to do and stick to it(I had a major tendency to change direction alot). A small incident recently set him off, and he has totally stopped seeing me and will barely speak to me (although it is improving). The incident? I said I was going somewhere with a family member one evening. I have a pager. He paged me when he came home from work to let me know he had just gotten home. Well, I had changed my plans and decided to have dinner with my family member instead of going where we had originally planned. He cannot get calls at work, otherwise I would have called to let him know our plans were changing.<br>He is so upset. He says he feels that I am leaving him out of my life and is very upset that I didn't do what I said I was. He is upset because where the restaurant is located is not the greatest area. I honestly thought the restaurant was OK because he & I had been there.<br>He got upset over the restaurant thing, now he is bringing up the lies that I told him before. I don't know how to stop him from hurting himself. I accept responsibility for not being where I told him I was going. But I did nothing to make him start dwelling on past hurts.<br>How can I stop this cycle of hurt? Whether I trigger it or he does it to himself?<br>Please help.

I don't know if this will help you or not, because I'm the person on his side of the fence...the one that was lied to. I still have trouble believing when he's telling the truth, I have a LOT of trouble trusting. It might help to find out from him if he's been betrayed or had his trust violated a lot in his life. It could have been from past girlfriends, his parents, whatever. But that's part of the problem I have, is that my foundation for trust was so shallow anyway from my life history that it doesn't take much for me to lose trust, but it takes a hell of a lot for me to trust people. That, and time will have to heal the rest. Make TRIPLY sure that you're totally 100% honest with him from now on, even if it does have the potential to hurt or anger him. Of course, you can be honest with tact, this isn't a license to be crude or insensitive about things. But be sure that you're continually honest, even in minor details. Because if you show him that you're being honest, that you're dependable and worthy of his trust, eventually he will start seeing it. Understand that he's hurt and angry by this, he's probably feeling that if you'd lie about something as insignificant as that, what else would you lie about? What if something bigger happened-would you lie about that too? That's how I felt (feel) when it happened to me. But if you lie to him again, he will have an even harder time regaining trust and it will take TWICE as long to do it. TRUST ME ON THAT!! I'm STILL not there yet!! Even if you find yourself rattling off insignificant details a lot for a while, do it without resentment, do it willingly, and he will start to see that you're trustworthy. Make sure he can find out whether you're being truthful or not-make yourself EASY to keep track of!! I know it sounds extreme, but if you want him to regain the trust and stop hurting, it may take extreme measures, at least for a while. I hope that helps.