Please, somebody tell me what the heck is going on in my head. <P>This isn't a rollercoaseter thing or feeling. This is just down right p$%ed off, get away from me haterd. The depths of this feeling has me concerned. This is like nothing else I have ever felt. If the STBXw was broke down on the highway I wouldn't stop mean spirted, spit in her face kinda feeling. <P>This has been happening for the last 2 weeks or so. I don't like it. <P>I called the stbxw last night and apoligized for my behaviuor. She said she just thought it was me having a bad weekend. It took every ounce of energy I had not to say go get bent. <P>Is this normal? Trying to anal-ize this on my own I've been wondering if it is a reaction to feel of me being used for the past 11Yrs. <P>Going to the gym helps in the short term. But only in the very short term..<P>What the heck is going on?<P>Tex.<P>

Anger, perfectly normal anger.<P>Going to the gym is a great start. Journaling or some other form of writing helps ALOT. Get it out of your head and you will start to feel better.<P>Its a scary kind of rage that you are talking about - but its just an emotion. You can choose to let it control you, or you can choose what to do about it. Work it out of your head - don't suppress it, or it will literally eat you alive.<P>Good luck.<BR><P>------------------<BR>--BR<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Anger is one of the steps of grieving...go with the feelings, don't act on them, they will simmer down or pass, just like all the other ones.<P>I now waffle between complete hate and indifference...love is dead, gone, buried beneath a multitude of lies, cruelty, etc.<P>Indifference is a wonderful place to be...all their blaming, cruelty, whatever just bounces off...kind of like "I'm rubber you're glue..." I hope to settle there eventually.<P>Hang on...This too shall pass.<P>Lisa (aka Soon2b)

What are the stages? I seem to remember somewhere there are 5 of them? Isn't something like anger then acceptance..<P>Tex

Hey, Tex! You have happened to meet the anger expert! Aren't you lucky?<P>I was raised in a physically abusive family (remember?), where anger was dealt with by exploding. It was "bad" to feel anger, so you ignored it and stuffed it down until it either leaked out in some inappropriate way or you exploded. <P>Anger has a cycle: it starts with Hearts and Flowers (1). You were angry and now you're sorry and you say and do all kinds of sweet, romantic, loving things to make up for your anger. But as live has a tendency to do, tensions begin to come your way, and you hold them in. Resentment builds...tension builds (2). Finally the tension and resentment reach the boiling point and there is an Explosion (3). You yell and scream, you hit the wall, you throw things, you see red and you call people names. You are totally out of control, and the funny thing is, you know it but you can't stop. In a strange way, it feels good to release the built up tension and resentment. Then you feel bad and walk on eggshells (4). This leads to sorrow for your actions and hearts and flowers (1). As you can see, this cycle just keeps going and going.<P>The thing is, anger is good. Anger is a very useful and acceptable emotion. It is nature's way of letting you know that something is going on that is not okay with you, and you need to do something about it. For example, if a buddy of yours blows you off for someone else and you feel angry about it, nature is telling you this is not okay. You need to do something about this. You need to go talk to your buddy and tell him that you are not cool with him just blowing you off. Well, dude, when you live with someone, they have TONS of opportunities to do stuff to you that you are not okay with--do the math: more time together = more chances to hurt or anger you. But my guess is that for YEARS (and I mean YEARS) your stbxW did things to you that hurt you or angered you, and you were not able to express them in a way that drained the tension and resentment from you. You probably literally have YEARS of pent up hurt, resentment and tension. <P>So...now some of it is coming out. It is boiling to the surface and coming up, but you feel like it is ugly and "bad." Tex, you need to accept it as part of the path of divorce. Do you write? Write out EXACTLY what you think, swearing and underlining and using capital letters and everything. It's for your eyes only, so even if you are embarrassed that you could feel that way, keep telling yourself it's okay, and keep writing it exactly as you feel it and exactly as you hear it in your head. This may sound wierd, but let the hate out. If you try to push it back down, it will be like thick, black tar in your heart. <P>There are 13 steps on the divorce path, and I don't remember them by heart, but they start with stuff like denial ("this can't be happening to me") and pain (crying for 3 days and nights in a row)and anger ("how could she DO this to me?"), and then lead into stuff like acceptance, detangling, etc. I'll try to remember to bring the 13 steps to work for you tomorrow okay?<P>Tex, it's natural to feel anger--yes, even hate--toward your spouse for a while. It is nature's way of severing your hearts so your heart can start to heal. The trick is to not WALLOW in the hate and let it go on and on forever. <P>{{{{{Tex}}}}} It's good to hear from you!<P><BR>CJ<P><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Hi Tex,<P>Here is the post for the 5 steps of grieving:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>Hope this helps!!<P>L.

Beyond the 5 steps of grieving are more steps that are offered in the book "rebuilding when the relationship ends". According to this book, they are:<P>Denial, Fear, Adaption, Loneliness, Friendship, Guilt/Rejection, Grief, Anger, Letting Go, Self Worth, Transition, Openness, Love, Trust, Relatedness, Sexuality, Singleness, Purpose, and Freedom.<P>You won't experience all of them in order, and you can go backwards and forwards, but the author, Dr Fisher I believe, its been a while since I read it, states that you really should feel all of these before you can heal. <P>I have felt all of these, and thought I healed and I am discovering maybe I'm STILL not healed. <P>Good luck, Dana<BR>

DanaB,<P>Thankyou for posting that. I too experienced all those things. I'm sure glad to hear that all of that is normal, because when I would find myself pounding my fist on the car seat while stopped at a red light, I thought I was going crazy. I had one heck of a time shaking the anger, but it finally passed. After time, all that angered me got to the point where is just didn't matter any more.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper