Hi friends,<P>I am writing to ask for some encouragement today.<P>Those of you who know me, know that the past few months, I've been suffering a lot. Mainly over my current relationship with my boyfriend of almost 9 months. A few months ago, things got weird, and he was withdrawn. I've given it my best and learned a lot. Especially from here.<P>I found out last night that tonite, we are going to FINALLY talk and I will find out what has happened . All I know is that its nothing I did, and something to do with issues before I came along. I have a feeling its going to be something we break up over.<P>I do love him. I love him with all my heart. I can't imagine what this news is, and I have had to promise to tell no one, but I had to find this out last night and I won't see him til tonite after 9.<P>I climbed into bed at 6pm and started reading the bible. I feel terrible. Luckily my kids are self sufficient and handled themselves and helped me because I was a wreck. I prayed and thought a lot and I tossed and turned all night. Today I'm so nervous I keep throwing up.<P>I am very scared, yet anxious to finally get this out in the open and either start to heal or get closure of something. But the thought of losing him, is frightening. Yet, whatever it is, he didn't trust me enough to share it all the past few months.<P>I could go on and on. I can't figure out what it could be. I am scared and almost paralyzed with fear. I learned a new word yesterday too, somewhere I read it, inertia, meaning paralyzed with fear I suppose. Well thats where I am today.<P>I don't know how to get thru the next 14-15 hours with my 3 kids and a daycare and all I want to do is climb back into bed.<P>I know I have to do this hour by hour, but I feel like I can't.<P>Dana<BR>

{{{{{{{{{{Dana}}}}}}}}}}<P>I'm so sorry. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. Remember that no matter what happens, you'll be OK.<P>Focus on your kids and work.<P>Hang in there Dana.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

(((((((((((((Dana))))))))))))))))<P>Don't project!! Whatever it was, it wasn't your fault, and he's stayed in your life. Don't you think he would have broken things off already if that's what needed to happen?<P>I will be thinking of you today. ((hugs))<P>------------------<BR>--BR<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

((((((((((((((DanaB))))))))))))))<P>Thinking about you.<P>And don't forget to breathe.

Remember what he's said -- NOT ABOUT YOU -- and I know that as I say that... it's what we heard from our spouses...<P>I am saying a prayer for you now!<P>You will get through this, get the truth (which is so very necessary) and go forward. <P>I hope that the news you get is not anything like whatever you're thinking...<P>

Hi friends,<P>Thank you for the replies. I have talked to a close friend about the whole thing and I feel a little better. I'm still taking it hour by hour and scrubbing my house like a madwoman!<P>The truth is, if we break up, than it will happen or it won't. I can't sit and worry about it . I don't want to imply I'm sick over just that, I'm very worried about bf also and whatever he's been going thru. <P>My friend said its a big step that he is coming to me to talk and open up a little, because she feels whatever happened in his life before me, is really only up to him if he ever decides to tell me. I guess she has a point.<P>So if he opens up and we break up at least I'll understand. Or he'll open up and we'll try to stay together. Again, its too much to speculate, but I do feel very sick today over the whole thing.<P>He has thanked me time and time again over the weeks for giving him space and I thank everyone here who taught me and helped me to do that. I know I didn't bully, manipulate or trick him into coming to me tonite to discuss this. I know he is doing it because he is feeling more ready.<P>This morning I talked to him, and he did say I love you. I don't doubt that he loves me, or that I love him. But sometimes, love just isn't enough. I guess I'll find out what it means to me tonite.<P>Thank you guys, you don't know how hard today really is for me. But I have also had it this hard for a few months with not eating and sleeping and I think I need to hear all this anyhow so I can get on with life and not revolve around confusion.<P>Hugs, Dana<BR>

Dana....You need to remember that 90% of everything you worry about never happens. This just might be another hurdle, not a break up. And you are correct....relationships can not work on love alone. Your strong and you can work through this.

Hi Dana! <P>I can only echo the same as everyone else says. Whatever it is, it is history which is catching up with him which may be very good, as he has dealt with it and can then tell you about it.<P>Remember, your number one priority are your kids, that's what you do best, that's what they need from you.<P>Now why is it that women clean house when distraught? I could never clean house, can't when not distraught, either <P>If its the end, remember, every relationship is a practice for the next, and eventually, you will both understand yourself in relationships and find the right person for yourself.<P>AAAAhhhhhh, lets not worry about what you can't control or change. Don't forget to get outside if its a beautiful day!<P>Heck, he could be relocated in the FBI witness protection program, just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, nothing he could help, and he never did anything bad, and he finally has to fess up before going any further. now that would be real cool!! you could get a real good story out of it, and realize that he didn't do anything bad!!<P>geez, i guess you wouldn't like going on vacation in disguises every year! <P>just trying to lighten up the serious mood here!<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dana}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Dana:<P>I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers today.<P>I agree with what Bonnie said. I read a devotional one time that talked about "useless rehearsals". That we go over and over what we think will happen and when it finally does happen, it is nothing like what we expected. So, it's better not to assume or worry about what might happen. I know that is easier said than done but wanted to pass it along anyway. Keep focused on other things today to keep your mind off it as best you can. You are very strong and will get though this. <P>I have prayed that God will give you comfort and peace to help you through this day.<P>HUGS!!!<BR>Jen

Dana,<P>I wish I had some magical words of advice for you which would make all this anxiety and worry just disappear. Unfortunately, I don't.<P>Just keep your chin up and be thankful that he cares enough about you to be talking to you. Whatever his news, you will overcome and you will go on. You are a very strong person and I believe that your worry right now is going to be more difficult to handle than anything he may tell you tonight.<P>My thoughts will be with you today.<P>

Dear Dana,<P>Dropping by to pass along some encouragement to a nice lady. You have some positive things going for you. Concentrate on your pluses and minimize the negatives. <P>Easier said than done, I know. But when you said that your BF is thankful for the space and is beginning to open up to you, that is what most of us are trying to accomplish. This 'stuff' that affects our loved ones can happen at anytime. Whammmm comes out of nowhere. Catches the rest of us off guard. Maybe it is because we can not sit in their brains to see and feel everything they are going through, whatver the reason, communication is the key. Hard to do though when their mouth stays locked up. So if he is beginning to open up, use all what you have learned here and slow it down to his speed. It doesn't work to pour all that good medicine down his throat all at once.<P>You have your hands full with the daycare?!?!? Wow. That is a challenge. I wish I could trade with you, I deal with payroll tax issues all day long..... Numbers and complianers. Hey but that is what I get paid for. So I keep plugging along. <P>You have a great support group hear. I have read their responses, you are among friends. Please take care. <P>L.<P>

Hello friends,<P>I didn't expect to get many replies today on such a beautiful day outside. I have to admit, I am sitting here crying after reading this post and the replies. And from all my favorite friends and people I admire on the board. (there are still some people missing here though).<P>I'm too drained to answer individually, but the comment about 90% of worry being over nothing, I can admit that it sounds about right, especially for me. I always assume the worst. It is something I am always wishing I could change, but how?<P>I look back over the past 2 months, and how life has been absolutely very up and down from one moment to the next. It's all things out of my control, and I just walk around "existing" and "reacting" every day. I know right from wrong and I know when I make bad choices, and I do that out of avoidance at times. <P>My friends and family, and friends here also, warned me about getting involved in a relationship too soon. I took steps to heal, BUT when I met bf, he was everything I dreamed of (and still is). We click, we have chemistry, we are so similar in many favorites, yet according to Tom's personality tests, we are very different too. His differences challenge me. He inspires me and when I think of him, I feel love. But I can say that the good times are the easy stuff. And the first 6/7 months were easy, fun, uncomplicated. So it felt good and right. <P>Now, the reality of life is setting in and issues arise. And yes, unresolved from the past, we all have them , not just those involved in affairs on either end, but even the best of relationships, have skeletons, right?<P>But the going got tough a few months ago, and I hung in there, when I wanted to run. Maybe I'll run tonite, maybe I won't. Who knows. But I'm admitting this, that when the hard stuff comes, and the relationship grows, no matter how prepared you think you were, no matter how much love you feel, how much respect, it is a tough competition against past issues that paralyze us with fear.<P>So a relationship can't get by on love alone? What else is needed, is up to us, for me, its honesty, openness, communication, --- and I'm going to get all those tonite. I've been getting affection and admiration all along.<P>Maybe this is a hurdle, a test, a turning point, I don't know, but I do know that I couldn't get thru it without you guys and right now you are all I can talk to after my vow of secrecy to him about what this will be.<P>Lastly, who works as a tax payroll person? HELP! I just interviewd for that job! And I thought I'd like it! Tell me am I crazy or not? And is it a good career ($$$$) .<P>Sorry for the group reply, I prefer personal ones, but I am so drained I can barely keep my eyes open right now. I can't eat and I can't think. But I can feel all the concern here and I love you all for that.<P>Hugs, Dana<P>Bf sent me an email thanking me last week, it said<BR>"tough times don't last, but tough people do", thanks for being tough all this time. I don't think I am tough or strong, but I just try to do what feels right .<BR>

Hey Dana,<P>Sorry I am a little late. Take it from a "worrier", I know nothing I can say will stop you from worrying. Everything will be okay, it will. We are here for you {{{{{{{Dana}}}}}}}<P>Keep yourself busy-I understand completely about the house cleaning thing.<BR>I was chatting with a neighbor last night and asked them if I bothered them with my music and dancing-they said not at all-but we do hear you vacuuming ALOT!!!!! <P>Everything is going to be okay!<BR>Petrie<BR>

Gosh, Dana, I'm sorry you're feeling so awful.<P>I'm a bit late here, and I think others already said all there is to be said.<P>All I can add is that you have grown tremendously over the last few months, and you should know that no one has the power to make or break YOU. No matter what happens, YOU will be OK, and you will make it!<P>Just keep an open mind during your talk, listen, empathize, and be positive. Then YOU decide what you will do.<P>Hang in there!<P>AGG

Dana,<P>Just popping in here to let you know I'm also thinking of you today. Like you, have also been seeing someone for 7 months. Some days are bliss, some days I want to run. We have all been through so much with divorce, it's hard not to want to protect ones' self, which includes worrying. My stomach aches writing this, I DO know where you are coming from.<P>Be brave! I have the "tough times don't last, tough people do" written on paper and taped right here on my computer monitor.....so I don't forget!<P>No matter how things go, we will ALL be here for you!<P>Ragamuffin

Dana,<P>You will always have my prayers. You have always looked "after" me and prayed for me. I know what you are going through. I too have a new relationship (about 6 months old) and recently the real issues have arisen. It is how we deal with these issues (no matter what they are), that will define our "growth".<P>If your companion has been through anything close to what we've all been through, you will probably find the path.<P>I'm going downstairs now from the 30th floor to pray for you on this glorious day.<P>Warm wishes,<BR>Jay B.

(((((((DanaB)))))))<P>Curl up on the couch with a box of bon-bons and a George Clooney movie. <P>I know that the waiting and guessing is really hard. I can't wait to go home every night and all day long I'm guessing how the night will be.<P>You have my support, my prayers, and my HUGS.<P>Bill

Hi friends,<P>As I look over everyone who has replied, it amazes me how much we have all grown. It is interesting how many of us started dating at the same time. Remember that controversial dating thread? Is that the one I got into an argument on? <P>So many of us again with so much in common. The affair discovery, divorces, dating all at the same time. I guess in a way it might suggest we are among "average" with statistics for it all. <P>I will admit this dating business is just as hard as marriage. I think I try harder because I don't have the marriage to "rely" on with the false security it once brought me.<P>I have 5 more hours to go. I am going stir crazy. I have finished the rest of the yardwork now, and my kitchen floor is spotless.<P>I have gone over and over in my mind, different scenarios, things that could come up tonite, and how would I feel about each one. It's silly because I am wasting so much energy and strength. <P>I've thought a lot about my boyfriend today. I've thought about all the happy times, and how much I love him. I've thought about up til now, why I love him, and the good times do outweigh the bad. We've never even had a fight yet. In general I'm a pretty patient person, but I struggle with whats right an awful lot. <P>I always took the past 2 months as a test. The first big test of the relationship. I knew he was going thru something, but not sure what. I knew he'd tell me when he was ready. I wasn't sure what part I played, but I always told him I was here to talk and that I loved him.<P>I'm not sure what life is going to bring me tonite. I am still very afraid. My initial feeling is whatever it is , I'm going to try to be understanding, loving and be willing to work thru it together. Thats what I'm trying to get my strength for.<P>Hugs, Dana<BR>

Dana,<P>If you find yourself out of things to do around your house, I could put you to work work very easily around my house or any of my families homes for that matter. I'm sure there would be plenty of cleaning and yardwork to be found which will keep you VERY busy for a long, long time <P>Keep smiling<BR> <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Jayhawk 93 (edited May 02, 2001).]

Your are almost there! <P>I can't wait to read your post tomorrow! I really think that this will be something you both will be able to work out. Keep on cleaning! When done-take a nice hot bath to relax. It will be okay-better than okay.<P>Petrie <BR>