Another day comes and goes where prayers fall on deaf ears and nothing at all changes.<BR> I was supposed to talk to the stbx last night and hoped against all hope that it would lead to an opening of communications again. He blew me off. Didn't return my message and at 4:30 am this morning I left a very sad voice mail for him. He calls back angry(of course) and then tells me not to call him.<BR> I am at the end of my rope again emotionally and I feel as if there is nothing in my life left to hope for. All of my dreams are dead and there is a huge hole in me that can't be filled. Is a life like that worth living or is it merely exsisting? I cannot take another crash or another bad morning. I'm so tired of being sad, scared and lost, I just want to go home again and it's no longer there.<BR> I feel as if these last nine years of my life meant nothing and I mean nothing. I will never again find that happiness that I lost and I can't take the struggle anymore.

((((((((((((((Nduli2))))))))))))))))<P>Wish I could just reach in and take all your pain away. Since I can't do that I will tell you that I know exactly how you feel....they say that if we make it through all this that we will be stronger for it.....somedays I wonder. All I want is my old life back, warts and all and to be at least given a chance. In my heart I know we could have worked things out if only he would have tried. Think that is what makes it so hard.<P>Let him go Nduli2, as long as you continue to hold on to what he was he will continue to hurt you. Hard advice to follow and I don't do a very good job of it myself but everyday I try take a step forward in my own life just to prove that I can. <P>Take Care<P>

I wonder too. I was such an open and happy person before all of this and now I'm just sad and distrustful. <BR> I was working on some projects for a children's art gallery(they sell art by adults that has a whimsical touch to it, things like hand painted toy boxes and such) that project has long since been abandoned and my art has taken a turn for the worst. I can't quite get in the right head to be happy and so my art is confined to dark themes and fairly unhappy subject matter. Is this me as a better person?<BR> I try to let go and then he'll say something and draw me back and then strike when I get too close. I do try to put everything on the back burner when it comes to him but it's so hard and it effects much of what I do. *g* I'll have to post some snippets from the comic I drew based on all this mess, I'm sending it to my publisher, it's the most honest thing I've ever done......too bad it's also the most depressing. :P

I just was over on GQII and read something that I really needed to hear. Basically the gist was take control of your life, don't allow him to see you cry, don't beg, don't be needy. These things can actually make them feel more trapped where as A allowed them to feel freedom.<P>I need to get this into my head and stick with it. I have begun to make some steps in this direction. I really plan on doing some self reflection today. Writing up a plan for ME from this day forward. I allowed myself to become lost in him and now that he is not here I feel empty. I need to find me again and go from there. <P>Nduli2 we can do this.....be strong.

Nduli,<P>I'm probably not of much help to anyone today if you have seen my recent post, but if I remember correctly, your OW is out of the picture now right? As of very recently?<P>I appologize if I'm mistaken because it has been a hard week for me. But if I recall correct, and she is gone, and you wrote a nice letter to him, now I know this is hard, but you have to back off and give him space.<P>You don't want to have him come to you because she's gone, or your second choice, or he has no where to turn. You want him to stand on his own to feet, figure out why this all happened and come to YOU out of HOPE. <P>Sometimes we wish we could hope or pray hard enough to get what WE want. Trust me girlfriend, I am feeling this strain today. I have been praying all night for what I want, instead of what is right for me because I don't trust my faith enough . But deep down, I know that if it were any other way, then history will keep repeating itself if we ignore issues rather than deal with them.<P>I am praying for us all. And this relationship with you your H or exH is not necessarily over, but you do have to give him space and time now. It is the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I did see baby step results and then he fought it a little and took baby steps again.<P>Now today all my hard work is coming to a close. I will get the real talk I've been waiting for , on his terms, when he is ready and now I'm paralyzed myself, i have to run, hugs, Dana<BR>

Dana, Dana, Dana<P>You are right on the mark!! Let go, give space...I'm from the mentality that it will never get better if you don't discuss address it. Space is about the hardest thing for me to do--at least not addressing the issues the hardest. My W has made it pretty clear that at 1 year we will re-evaluate.<P> "...figure out why this all happened and come to <BR> YOU out of HOPE."<P>That quote brings complete clarity on the importance of space.<P>Thanks. <BR>

Hi... I'm feeling a little flat myself today. My H has come home from five days being away and I just don't want to be around him. I still have this d*mn hope also even when I feel like I can let go. I still look for that one glimmer of movement towards me and when it doesn't come, I'm hurt. Sooooo, my natural response is to want to get away from the pain and the source of the pain. So, I'm going garage-sale'ing this afternoon. That's only a temporary fix but at least I'm doing what I feel like I need to do without coming unglued in his presence.<P>As for prayer... I don't even know how to pray so I've been praying the Lord's Prayer over and over again throughout the day and night. That helps me but sometimes I even find it difficult to get through that.<P>Then, I've been hearing a lot about the prayer of Jabez (1 Chronicles 4)... it goes like this:<BR>. Oh that you would bless me indeed<BR>. Expand or grow my territory (or ministry)<BR>. Keep your Hand upon me<BR>. Keep me from evil<P>I use that as a prayer structure and pray that for each of my family members daily... that God would give them someone to love even for the day (this is the expand my territory for today).<P>And as for blessing... I feel blessed to see a flower blooming or a friend calling or chatting on the internet with. I actively seek God's blessing even a small one for the day. This has helped me tremendously...<P>So, stay strong... do something for you today... look for God's blessing because HE has one just for you this day!<BR><P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Nduli2,<P>I am so sorry for your pain. You sound so much like me and I know and understand the depths of your pain. <P>Hang in there and don't ever lose hope. You will find happiness again. Just when I feel I am at the end of my rope, I take a step back and look at the bigger picture.<P>There is a bright future in store for us. I just know it.<P>Take care, and I'll be thinking about you,<BR>Petrie

This morning I was a bit dramatic(1 hour sleep will do that to you) but I'm still crestfallen that he didn't call. I talked to him later in the morning and he apologized. He had me on speaker phone and was brushing his teeth getting ready for work, the exchange between us though breif felt so familiar and almost as if I was in room with him like I used to be.<BR> I'm in between accepting this divorce and still wanting to prevent it. I realize that it's a slim shot but I don't want to close the door if I don't absolutely have to. I'm not interested in dating just yet(the relationship I had thought about starting just left me empty and cold, I was trying to replace my h and it just didn't work)I'm in no great rush for this to be over.<BR> But how does one plan A from two states over and without any solid communication for over a month? Can it be done? I wish I could afford a Harely.