Actually, I guess it all started on Monday when I picked up my daughter after she'd stayed with her Dad for the weekend.<P>She gave me a hug and told me, "Mommy, I want Daddy to come home."<P>Then yesterday morning she told me that her Daddy was coming home that day.<P>So, I wrote to him. I asked him if he would come home and said a lot of other stuff. I didn't really expect him to respond, but I'm still disappointed that he didn't respond.<P>Then today I get into the office and there is a message from my attorney. They're trying to get a court date in September, with mediation set for August.<P>Additionally, my stbx is supposed to be changing his extended visitation dates for the summer because he asked for dates that overlapped with the starting of the school year for the district in which we live. Our little one isn't in school yet, but I may be going back to teaching which would mean that she'll be changing daycare, and daycares tend to run on the same schedule as the schools anyway. You just don't rip a three-year-old from her home and then rip her out of her daycare too. <P>I had tried to talk to my stbx about all this without having to go through the attorneys, but his response was "that's something for negotiation." You don't "negotiate" about the well-being of a child. He is just so completely in the fog, he doesn't see what he's doing. All he's thinking about is himself, not our daughter. He's not putting her needs first.<P>Now it's being recommended that I consider taking my daughter to a child psychiatrist. To help her with her problems accepting that Mommy and Daddy are divorcing.<P>This is horrible. A 3-year-old having to see a psyc. because she wants Mom and Dad together.<P>There's nothing wrong with her! The person that has something wrong is HIM for not straightening up his act, dumping the OW, coming home and working on the marriage. She's behaving more maturely than he is right now. She talks with me. He won't. She understands what family means. He doesn't.<P>Sometimes the greatest truths in this world come from children. Her expression of wanting Mom and Dad together isn't just psychological, it's primal. It's what God intends. She doesn't care if we argue or anything of that sort, she only knows that she wants and needs her parents together.<P>And I don't care what the people in the parenting class said, there are too many studies out there that show that children from two parent (original parent) homes have a distinct advantage over children from single parent and divorced homes.<P>I don't want to make him cower and grovel. I want him to come home and work on the marriage. To set aside childish ways & desires and become the man that I know is within him to be. To get past his oedipal issues and become a man.<P>~Amy

Hi Amy,<P>Of course there is nothing wrong with your child. But a therapist can give your daughter a great deal of help in learning to cope with the reality of her father's choices.<P>My oldest son's reaction to our family problems was that he became depressed and out of control at school.<P>I resisted taking him to a therapist for a very long time. There was nothing wrong with HIM, it was his father!!!<P>And wanting his dad to be different didn't fix a darn thing for him or for me. My son simply got worse, and was finally kicked out of school.<P>I finally realized that I had no choice but to help my son deal with reality. I got him to a therapist, AND got him on anti-depressants.<P>The therapist helped my son adjust and cope. The change has been AMAZING, and nothing but a benefit to him.<P>I hope your H changes his mind, but you can't hold out hoping that he will. Your kids need you to face reality and cope with what IS happening, rather than what should be happening.<P>Don't make the mistakes I did, and let your daughter be assisted and helped, before her reactions affect her as badly as my son.<P>((((hugs))))<P>------------------<BR>--BR<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

BR --<P>I suppose so.<P>But I'm afriad that it's going to be just one more thing that the stbx pulls out to try to use against me.<P>I'm seeing a Dr. and therapist for depression ---- which he says is the reason our marriage failed. I'm on medication --- and I know that it makes a tremendous difference. (But someone refuses to even be around me....so how can he know that there's a difference in me?)<P>Catch-22:<BR>- If I don't take her, I'm not seeing that she gets the medical attention she needs.<BR>- If I do take her, they may use it to say that my behavior, my responses to stbx leaving and the divorce are upsetting my D.<P>And stbx doesn't share info. about d's behavior while she is with him. All I really know is from a conversation I had with his mother a while back in which she said that my d is asking for me when she's there. I don't know if this is still going on or not.<P>I want to be so mad at him for doing this to our d. She deserves better than this. She's such a wonderful, sweet little girl. <P>But I know that getting angry isn't productive. I'll have a chance to get it out of my system this weekend. It can wait until then.<P>~Amy

No no no, you have it all backward dear!!! <P>Document the times that you have requested him to visit his daughter. Keep a journal of the times he visits or calls...be able to prove that you have actually wanted him to visit more, interact MORE....<P>Get her to the therapist, and be very open and honest with what is going on in your life and how it affects your D.<P>When and IF your H tries to use it against you - you have a therapist that has gotten to know your daughter, and can tell the courts that her problems are because of a lack of Dad in her life, not Mom's psychotic behavior!!<P>YOU are the responsible parent. YOU are getting your daughter help for the suffering she is experiencing because of your H's choices. Trust me, the courts are going to be happy to see that you are getting your daughter help in adjusting to the stressful changes in her life.<P>Stay on the moral high ground, and you'll be fine.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BrambleRose:<BR><B>Document the times that you have requested him to visit his daughter. Keep a journal of the times he visits or calls...be able to prove that you have actually wanted him to visit more, interact MORE....<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I wish I had known that it was going to come to divorce when he first left. He wouldn't visit, he wouldn't call her, he'd say he'd show up and then wouldn't......all the typical things.<P>NOW, he's being the angelic father. Taking her to church, etc.<P>But he doesn't understand the nature of what he's doing....what he's asking for. He wants to ignore the temporary orders and just do things his way.<P>But I believe in setting an example for our daughter in the way we live. I follow the law, down to wearing seatbelts. But I also stand up for what I believe is right.<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Get her to the therapist, and be very open and honest with what is going on in your life and how it affects your D.<P>When and IF your H tries to use it against you - you have a therapist that has gotten to know your daughter, and can tell the courts that her problems are because of a lack of Dad in her life, not Mom's psychotic behavior!!<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's the thing, Dad IS in her life now. The problem is that she wants Mom and Dad <together>.<P>The way things are arranged right now, he and I don't have to see each other. I drop our D off at daycare, he picks her up. And the reverse on the return.<P>She wants us to be doing things as a family. I've invited him to various activities, but he's refused to come, in most cases he won't even acknowledge that I've invited him. And I don't receive invitations from him.<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>YOU are the responsible parent. YOU are getting your daughter help for the suffering she is experiencing because of your H's choices. Trust me, the courts are going to be happy to see that you are getting your daughter help in adjusting to the stressful changes in her life.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Just the idea of taking a 3-year-old to a Dr. or therapist is upsetting. I've been working so much with her. She's had to learn so many new words simply to express her basic emotions. And there are still times when she gets frustrated and lashes out. <P>But how do you respond to a little girl that's asking her aunt if she sleeps in the same house, room, and bed as her uncle? <P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Stay on the moral high ground, and you'll be fine.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I know, I have to do what I feel is right, and what is legally correct. I didn't write the temporary orders, but I do have to follow them. <P>Frankly, I don't know why he's getting mad at me for following the rules when he's the one wanting the divorce. Why is it that the rules are supposed to apply to me, but not to him?<P>Blame it on the fog, I guess.<P>~Amy

Hi Amy,<BR>I was reading your post and it brought back horrible times w/ my xh. When I met my x he had a 6 y/o son from a past relationship which to cut it short left him w/ his dad. I assumed the mother role and it was very hard. At first there was alot of resentment but he trusted me and I did everything for him where his father did not cub scouts, baseball, football etc. He knew what was going on his mother wouldn't show up when suposed to we did document evrything I took him to see a doc and it did help him understand why people do the things they do. I was w/ his dad for 5 years we also had a son together which is three almost 4. I left him last july and for the first 3 months he would not see him call him or have anything to do w/ him.<BR>Told the kids it was my fault the brothers couldn't see eachother becuase I was the one who left. Even still to this day my son before he goes to sleep says "I want daddy shane and miss pig(the dog). I try to explain to him why things are the way they are but he is three and doesn't understand. The x now sees him every weekend which makes it a little bit better but I don't get to see my stepson only on rare occas. It's hard having a little one, but I try to do the right thing no matter how much I would like him to fall off the face of the earth reality is he will be there. My son used to be terrifide of his father becuase of the abuse and drinking but now that he only sees him once or twice a week the x has learned to apperciate the boys more since I left. Not sure if he means it or becuase he finally woke up and thinks he has a chance to get me back but it is best this way for the boys. I don't know if I'm doing this right but does anyone even know the right or wrong way. I beleive it depends on the cituation. Follow your heart listen to your mind it will lead you to do the right thing.<P>wishing us all well<BR>Happiness comes from within<P>........JJ..........