My husband left 9 1/2 months ago after being together for 6 yrs. <BR> <BR> We met when he moved after he moved in next door. He had 2 children and I had 2 foster children. He was like Mr. Mom, I admired this since I had raised my son completely by myself, without any help or contact from his father. Friends and family kept telling me I need to go out and meet someone. Since I was alone doing foster care, with no help, this was all I did 24/7. I told people the only way I would meet someone was if HE came to my door, H was this man. We spent more and more time together. He ran into financial problems, got behind on his rent and had to move. His family wouldn't help, his kids were going to live with their mother(they didn't want to)and he said he would stay in his van. He bought the van because we had too many kids and had to take 2 cars if we went anywhere. He was depressed, upset, I felt bad, although I wasn't sure whether I should take this on also. I finally told him he could move in with me, if nothing else, so he moved in. <P>When he left he said he was mixed up and confused. Said he still loved me and cared about me (right) but he's not IN LOVE with me. He just came home from work and said he got an apartment. I was shocked, what could I say but, leave. He was calling me and coming over occassionally. He wouldn't tell me where he was living. Said he'd give me his phone number, but changed his mind. He called me almost everyday from his business.I tried talking to him, to no avail. When he came over I cried and he also had tears in his eyes, although he wouldn't tell me why and couldn't get out the door fast enough when the tears came to his eyes. That indicated to me that it was bothering him too. Before he left he never sat down and talked to me about what was bothering him, he even admitted this, I asked him how was I suppose to know? He kept it all inside, I guess, and went off.<P> The weekend before I found out about OW, I spent Fri. all day with him. I fixed a nice lunch went to his business, poor thing said he didn't have food or money. I stayed there all day until closing. He had to go and get his auto tags and insisted I couldn't ride along, but I did. We came back and talked until 10:00 pm. I took the block off my caller ID, so he could call from his apt. He didn't want me to have his unlisted phone number (although I had it anyway). He called me that night and talked until 3:30am. Said he was having a problem and couldn't sleep nights, he never had a problem here. Surprisingly he showed up Sat. Wasn't feeling well, went to sleep for awhile. I fixed him a nice meal, he ate, hung around until about 8:30 and had to go. <BR> <BR> The following Sat. I picked up a friend and stopped to get gas. I looked up and saw this female glued to the passenger window, starring at me constantly, stopped at the red light. Than I realized it was H car, he purchased a brand new Z28 loaded a week after he left. I followed H to another gas station. Screeched and slid a hair from his bumper, looking down on HER. First thought was girlfriend, second thought was NO WAY HE IS WITH THAT. I asked him, he finally said just a friend. <BR> <BR>I couldn't sleep that night and decided to call. She answered the phone. He wouldn't admit it, she got on the phone. I asked her if she was the one that was with him. She said Yes, I told her I was very sorry, she said WHAT, I told her that she must have had a hard life (she does look worse for wear) She yelled, ranted, cussed. She wanted to beat me up, I told her I wouldn't sink to her level, or waste my time. I told her that only showed me how immature and childish she was and she should go back to Jr. High and grow up. I told her that her extremely limited vulgar language indicated she apparently was uneducated and that she had a vast lack of intelligence. I told her furthermore, it was obvious that she had NO morals or ethics because she was with a married man. I told her yes, I was perturbed at first but now I had to laugh because it was evident that she has absolutely nothing going for her. I kept a calm voice the whole time, and she got more irritated. I told H you have a nice car, I just don't understand, why would you mess it up by putting trash in it. <P> Things haven't gotten any better. He even brought her over here one day after he got mad because I confronted him with an issue. She was on my doorstep beating on the door. Left and came back and left a threatening note. I called the Sheriff Dept. and went to court for an order of protection. I got a temporary one and had to go back to court with OW. She lied unbelievably. She even brought her sister in to testify and she lied too, runs in the family. Admitted she wrote the note, but said she wrote it to her boyfriend (my H) and I must have dug it out of their trash. Everytime I referred to my H, she said EX. Judge asked me if we had divorce, separation or anything. When I told her NO, she looked at her and said than that's HER HUSBAND and they are married, Judge knew where she was coming from. The Judge called her down many times, she kept sticking her foot in her mouth. The Judge found her quilty of harassment, trespassing, ordered her to stay away from me, absolutely NO contact and ordered her to pay court costs. She didn't pay the court costs, so we were back in court again. This time H was with her. She kept laying her head on his shoulder, I didn't let it bother me. The whole time she just starred at me, unreal. I got a better look at her, she had a shaved head. From what I can gather, she tried to dye her hair and it fell out, so she shaved it. It was just starting to grow out and dyed dark brown, but I could see the scalp. I couldn't believe it, she was very pale, circles under eyes, terrible complexion covered with white heads growing all under the skin on her face, very yellow/brown teeth, nothing feminine whatsoever about her, straight and flat as a board. Not that looks are everything, but she is not even a nice person. She has a past history of drugs, criminal record, and she has been involved with other criminal cases family and others. Appears to be pure trash. Where is his (H) head? Another man I know calls her a DIKE, so it's not only my opinion. <BR> <BR>I been told he is leading an entirely different lifestyle than when he was with me and has become a diverse personality, not for the better. I just don't understand. Things is he is and has been doing are totally out of character for him.<BR> <BR> He has created a financial disaster, not only for himself, but for me. We had the business, so since he has left I have nothing. He told me to get a job and that was my problem. He dumped it all in my lap.<BR> <BR>He had called me back in Dec. from a pay phone, outside freezing. He accused me of calling his apt, NOT ME. He kept insisting, I told him he had caller ID, and it wasn't me. He said I called on my cell phone, I told him I didn't have a cell phone. He said I used someone elses, not true. Finally I convince him when I said I would swear on a Bible, and he knows how I feel about that. Than he accused me of driving around his apt. all day. I know the OW told him these lies. I told him it wasn't me, he insisted it was and said he took pictures. I had to laugh at that one, he lived 25 miles from me, and I wasn't anywhere near there. Than I told him to ask his girlfriend where she was with his car the day before. He started begging me to tell him. He had desperation in his voice, it was sad and sick. I told him he had caught her in a lot of lies, he said YES. I asked him if he trusts her, he said NOT REALLY. He trusted me, told me he would trust me with his life before. I told him when she had her vehicle, she left on Fri. and didn't come back until the following Mon., he said Yes. I asked him where and what was she doing. He said he didn't know. I asked him if she really loved and cared about you, wouldn't she want to spend the weekends with you, he said I guess. I told him to get a clue. I asked him if she takes care of him when he is sick, he said NO (I knew he layed for days sick and she wasn't even there).He was groveling, begging. I finally told him that he wasn't the only man in her life. She was with a man the previous day. He begged me to tell him who, I told him I couldn't disclose that, and he should respect a confidentiality. He asked me if it was a public place, I told him NO it was the man's residence, she was in. Than he really went off, asked me if she kissed him, if she had sex with him, he was very distressed. I told him I was only telling him this for his own good and he had better wake up. He asked me why I didn't tell him before. I couldn't believe it, I told him he wouldn't even talk to me, wouldn't believe me, and had been only hateful towards me. I told him if he asked her, she would just deny it. He said he wouldn't tell her he talked to me. I told him he had better open his eyes, it's right in front of his face. He asked me if I thought he would come to his apt. one day and she and everything would be gone(his thoughts apparently). I told him I didn't know I wasn't GOD but it was a possibility. I told him she had said that she couldn't stand him, she wanted out, he was too possessive and she couldn't stand it,she only there because she had nowhere else to go and he is supporting her, that she was using him. He said if that was true he would go back and throw her out, I said Oh really. He asked what I meant, I told him that she thought he is so crazy head over heels for her he wouldn't even thing about it. I told him when he was out on the street, in the cold, alone, maybe he would realize. He asked me pathetically did I really think he'd be on the street. After an hour of this, he thanked me, said he had to go, he was freezing and sick. He said he would probably end up in the hospital. I ask why, he said he was so upset he was sick. He has a chronic illness, that gets worse under stress, it has gotten progressively worse since he has left home, but he can't see this. <BR> <BR>He had called me in Jan. and told me he had been in the hospital(this was unusual,he doesn't call me). He said he thought he was going to die(wasn't enough of a wakeup call). I haven't talked to him since Feb. when I called him because I was extremely upset finding out about forclosure on my home. He talked to me an hour, not much help, but telling me what I should do and if anyone could figure it out it was me. Said he couldn't help, he didn't have any money. He was busy, but called me back and talked another hour. He told me to call him the next day. When I called the following day. He very meekly said he couldn't talk, he was busy. Later my phone rang, it was the business number, but I didn't catch it in time. I called back, he said do me a favor, don't call me anymore here. I started asking him why, told him he had talked to me for 2 hrs the day before. Apparently, OW was on the phone, she started yelling and said DON'T EVER CALL HERE AGAIN OR I'LL TAKE YOU OUT FOR HARASSMENT. I haven't called since and he hasn't called me of course. That is until yesterday, I got an urge and called. He asked who is this, I told him and said I just called to see how you are, he said I'm fine, can't talk I'm busy and have customers, than he hung up. <BR> <BR>I know this is long, but gives the over all picture. I should hate this man for putting me through pure HELL. For some reason I still love, care and worry about him. I think it's a midlife crisis, sometimes I think he doesn't know what he is doing and he has lost his mind. I actually find myself feeling sorry for him. Am I crazy or what? I have thought he is obsessed by OW. I read in MB that it can be an addiction, and that certainly fits. I need some input. Have I lost MY MIND, I want my husband to come home. I remember him as being loving, caring a different person. Am I in denial? This is so WEIRD! I read somewhere that in a midlife crisis they are also bipolar? I wonder if there is any chance of him coming to his senses and coming back? Thank for reading this, HELP!!<BR>

Hurt wife,<P>Welcome to MB. You came to the right place to find advice, help, support and peace.<P>I am having a very stressful day myself but I can't pass up a post asking for support.<P>I think you've handled everything very well up til now. It's not uncommon to still want our H back even "after all they did".<P>The affair is like an addiction, and also, I tend to believe some OP bring out the worst in our WS. Have you ever had a friend like that? I have.<P>It sounds like he is in need of some kind of help at least physically with an illness. Many affairs cause a lot of financial devestation as well.<P>I would say do what ever you can to preserve your house, your credit or to take care of yourself financially right away. Start reading the MB principles and go on a Plan A for now until you really figure some more of this out. And read and post to others and you will find at least a temporary peace in that. I always feel much better after I've replied to a few people. I check this place more than I check my own email.<P>In the meantime, I wish you prayers and luck,<BR>DanaB<BR>

Dear HurtWife,<P>You my dear are going through very trying times. This is an understatement. You have however, come to a good place. I recommned that you post your story on the General Questions II section. There you will receive a welcome message and given information that will be helpful to you. I am at work and will come back to see how you are doing and if I can help in anyway. I have some similar circumstances from which you may benefit. <P>Take Care and no you are not the crazy one. However, you are dealing with someone who is not rational and needs help. Together we will help you find that help for your family and your H so you can decide what is best for you.<P>L.<BR>

I was so glad to find your response. I feel so all alone and betrayed. It's hurts to know all the people that are suffering from similar circumstances. I don't really think I can do plan A. My husband won't even talk to me. He is extremely hateful towards me. I had read at another site that they have to blame someone, and it certainly isn't them. I think you are right that he needs HELP. <P>When he first left I thought he had lost his mind. I made him an appointment with a psychiatrist. As I talked to him I really thought he needed help sooner. So I called another one and got a sooner appt. He said he would go to them. Than I talked to him one day, he had made an appt. with another one and went himself. He still said he would go to the other 2, he said he would go to all 3. Now what's that tell you. But, he would only go by himself. He wouldn't agree to any counciling or anything with me. I thought this would drive me crazy, so I made an appt. for myself. They wouldn't give us both an appt. with the same Dr., because they said it would be a conflict of interest, since H wasn't willing to go together. I managed to get us both separate appts. with the same Dr. I called him to remind him of his appt., he said he was busy and couldn't go. He agreed that if I took his, he would take mine on a different day. So I told the Dr. the story, my husband went a couples day later. After his surprisingly he came over. He said the Dr. said his mind was racing and gave him medication to slow it down, because he said he couldn't think straight. (No doubt in MY MIND) This tells me he knew he had a problem. The Dr. said one of us would have to change Dr's. I told my husband I would, since this Dr. also had other patients with his same chronic illness. But H didn't go back. The Dr. was concerned when my husband didn't come back.I think it was OW, although it was unknown at the time. He didn't tell me or the Dr. about her. I think maybe he knew the Dr. would figure it out. When I went back to the Dr. I asked him about my husband. He said he couldn't tell me because of patient confidentiality, I told him I understood. He said your husband is a very handsome man. Dr. said he thought they parted friends and he didn't understand why he didn't come back, that he probably could have helped him. Than another surprise,(I think the Dr. felt sorry for me)Dr. put his head down and said "off the record" you are a very intelligent women, your husband is not as intelligent as you (I almost cracked up), he said your husband is immature (I said I know that), he said your husband is very impulsive, (I said I know that too, it drove me nuts). Than Dr. looked at me and said he needs you a lot more than you need him. He said you were not only a wife to him, but a best friend, like a sister and a mother, and your husband loved it. (I'm thinking,well than why did he leave?) Dr. said your husband will be back (he hasn't so far). He also said that the longer he was away the worse H would get. Dr. said that H chronic illness would get progressively worse, and it has. Within a month after H left, he had lost 3 pants sizes down, and they were falling off his butt. H had told me when he was in the hospital, they wanted to operate again. He lost our health insurance, said he couldn't afford it, he lost his auto insurance, because he paid it 41 days after he got a cancelation notice. Not to mention he lost the dental insurance, for non-payment again. So he has no medical,says he can't afford to go to the Dr. for his illness. After he got out of the hospital he said his medicine was $312 and he couldn't afford it. The man is sinking, now how low will he go, for LUST, it's sad. I just wonder if he even thinks about me, other than hatred. I really did pamper that man. <P>

Orchid:<BR>I recommned that you post your story on the General Questions II section. <P>Thank you, I did what you suggested and posted in General Questions. <P>I am at work and will come back to see how you are doing and if I can help in anyway. I have some similar circumstances from which you may benefit. <BR> <BR>I can use all the help I can get. I'd also like to hear anything from which I may benefit.<P>However, you are dealing with someone who is not rational and needs help.<BR> <BR> I agree totally, H is not rational whatsoever. I just don't know what to do or not to do. Thank you so much. <P>Together we will help you find that help for your family and your H so you can decide what is best for you.<BR> <BR>I do really need help. I really wish I had known about this site before now, it would have been beneficial.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Hurtwife (edited May 04, 2001).]

DanaB:<BR>Sorry, your having a stressful time. Thank you for answering mine. <P>I think you've handled everything very well up til now. <P>I don't know how well I've handled things.<P>The affair is like an addiction, and also, I tend to believe some OP bring out the worst in our WS. Have you ever had a friend like that? I have.<P>I agree about the addiction, I've been saying he is obsessed<BR>or possessed, I guess addiction is about the same thing. That hit home when I read this.<P>It sounds like he is in need of some kind of help at least physically with an illness.<P>I think your right about H needing help, I think physically and mentally. I wrote another post here below explaining, about the psychiatrists.<P>Many affairs cause a lot of financial devestation as well.<BR>With the financial, he dumped it in my lap, I guess he feels he has no obligation, or responsibility for them. I'm doing the best I can, it's hard in my state of mind.<P>Start reading the MB principles and go on a Plan A for now until you really figure some more of this out.<P>That's a big question I have about Plan A. He won't even talk to me. I've been on Plan B, without knowing it. I don't know how I would do Plan A, with no contact. I have thought about writing him, but haven't brought myself to do that. I don't know if I should or really what to say. I've been reading posts and info. in here. I just don't see how Plan A would apply at this point. I'd like to try Plan A, any suggestions? <P> In the meantime, I wish you prayers and luck,<BR>DanaB.........Thank you.<BR>

Its very easy for the WS to blame us to justify their actions at the moment. At some point, sometimes guilt sets in and they might start to feel that instead of bury it. <P>Plan A simply calls for no angry outbursts or LB's. If there is even the slightest contact with him, be pleasant and positive sounding and let him know in some way that "the door is still open". I don't think you are necessary in Plan B, because you didn't actually put yourself there. Plan B is when someone follows plan a, and usually can't take the way they are being treated any longer, and they switch to Plan b, and write a plan b letter asking for no communication. I never did the plan b letter and I regret it. Many people around here have been writing these letters and you can usually find them posted on the plan a/b board.<P>In the meantime, if you can't do a plan a or b, then I'd suggest to start healing yourself . Surround yourself with friends, family and loved ones. Let them know you need help and start filling the empty time that you have now that he's gone. I found a lot of peace in reading the bible and other books I could find. The first one recommended to me was True Lies by Dr Pittman. Then I also read most of the Harley books and Rebuilding when the Relationship ends with Dr Fisher. Reading and learning always help me.<P>I am working on grieving and healing myself. Its a long hard road. There are good days and bad days. Right now, I have good hours and bad hours but I've done this before and I know I'll get thru it, but its extremely painful and difficult. <P>I always like to remind myself that I can't change someone else but I can change myself and the way I react to things and the way I look at this situation. There are times when I blame myself, but when I look at the whole situation, it is also something within the WS or betrayer that they have not dealt with correctly that causes them to cheat. <P>Good luck, Dana<BR>

I moved post to General Questions II as Orchid suggests.<BR>Thanks to all of you for responses.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hurtwife:<BR><B>I moved post to General Questions II as Orchid suggested.<BR>I'll still check back here for possibility of any new responses. Need all the help I can get.<P>Thanks to all of you for responses.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>