I've just been working on trying to direct my focus onto my life and my responsibilities. It's hard not to obsess on my H, but its definitely getting easier. I still love him, but I still know that I am doing the right thing in divorcing him. But anyway, all this free time from obsession has led me to thoughts of what the rest of my life is going to be like. I try to think of all the positive things that will happen, and try to imagine myself 2 years from now. <P>BUT, any time my thoughts wander to the idea of a new relationship, my stomach completely knots up. I'm not even considering trying to start a new one, or find one. But when I try to imagine the qualities I would want in someone, or try to imagine dating, or even marriage to someone else....I just want to throw up.<P>I can't ever imagine allowing myself to be vulnerable to betrayal ever again. Is this normal? I don't want to be a closed-off, hard angry bitter person...and I don't think that I am...but... <P>I see other people who finish their divorces, and move on pretty quickly. It will probably be 2 years at least before I am legally and morally unentangled, so I guess that gives me a lot of time to heal...but still...(heck, I don't even know any unmarried men!)<P>Reading posts like Dana's today makes me realize how hard I would have to work at a new relationship. And how I would be at risk for going through pain like that all over again. Maybe I'm just really burned out right now, but I can't imagine dating again, at all. <P>Bleah. <P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Hi BR.<P>I have these same thoughts, with an exception. I look at it as if it were a blank canvas and the qualities I want are like many colors of paint. The problem is right now I can't seem to focus on what picture I want to paint. I get started and after about a third of the way in things start getting outside of the lines. Soon after it starts to look more like a figer painting with colors everywhere and no picture.<P>My .02$<P>Tex.

BR--<P>I'm right there with ya...I have always thought that I get one shot at marriage so I better fix the one I have.<P>I can't see dating or remarriage in my future either (well, maybe dating...nah, forget it). Others tell me I'm being foolish and blind to the future. Who knows, maybe I am but I pretty much consider myself "old school" thinking.<P>Is it normal?? I think it's pretty much par for the course at this point. But I don't know if it's completely realistic. Not that I big on stats but 1/2 the adults you see every day were (or will be) in your shoes...only 15% will not go on to remarry.<P>DD

Hi BR,<P>Are those feeling normal? I don't know, I've never been one of those normal, well adjusted human beings. But I'll bet that there are precious few of us who could spend ten years with a spouse bringing three children into the world, who could just walk away from the marriage without some pretty intense feelings.<P>Many of us have the bittersweet memories of both the dreams and the realities of a failed marriage. I can't recall the author or the exact quote, but it goes something like: "The unkindest cut of sword or pen is but to know what might have been."<P>We've been divorced for seventeen years now. We are "over it". We work together for the children and the grandchildren. We get along together now better than we ever did when we were married. She recently confided that if she had known how dedicated I would be to the kids, she would have left me five years earlier! She didn't like me as a drunk, and she found a lot less to like sober. <P>There is still a love there, but it isn't the husband and wife love. We've both been through a number of relationships that just weren't meant to be. Her latest paramour died in January. The relationship (for want of a better word) I had for the last year crashed and burned in March. That was the Nitwit Magnet fiasco / thread.<P>None of it really matters anymore. I just made reservations for a party of thirty on Sunday, May 13th at a local Italian Cafe. The Ex will always be honored as the mother of my children, and Mother's Day remains as a day when the whole family gets together.<P>Sometime last fall, following a Bible study class, I mentioned a favorite country breakfast almost unheard of in this part of the country. We had a Sunrise Mass on Easter Sunday morning followed by a pot luck breakfast, and one of the girls brought a pot full of sausage gravy and a couple sheets of biscuits. She remembered that after nearly six months! <P>Fiddler On The Roof is in town next week, I have two tickets. Pretty soon, I have to get up the courage to invite her. Here we go again.<P>Things always get better, but most of all, You Are Getting Better.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper

Tex, what a great analogy. My problem is that when I start contemplation about painting part of that canvas (a new partner) - I just want to be sick. Right now, I can't imagine allowing another person to ever be close enough to me to be able to betray me. The rest is kind of exciting - I'm looking at that blank canvas and realizing that *I* get to decide what it becomes.<P>DD--yep, I wanted to fix the one I thought I had, rather than look for another. Unfortunately, I didn't have one to fix. Now the thought of taking another risk, and having to work really hard at finding another relationship, much less maintaining one...bleah.<P>Bumper: Is there any such beast as a normal well-adjusted human being? I'm not sure there is!<P>I am hoping to have a decent relationship with my H after divorce. Right now, we are getting along pretty well. I'm really going to work on my Plan A, not to save my marriage, but to help me become a better person, and to make sure that if things do become ugly, it won't be because I did something I shouldn't have. I feel better about myself this way at least.<P>Maybe getting divorced is what I need for Mother's Day! I never got "honored". A card and maybe a cheap gift is about all the acknowledgement I ever got. I'll be sad when my kids get too grown up to give me their little handmade arts and crafts gifts though. This year I got a tiny just sprouted zinnia plant in a decorated styrofoam cup!! How absolutely precious!<P>Anyway, I just don't know how other people can bounce back into relationships after divorce. I know it's way too soon for me to even be thinking about it, but it has really bothered me that I don't just feel uninterested, but I'm actively having a very negative reaction to even the thought of a future with someone else.<P>I just wonder if I am so damaged that I won't ever have a chance at being in a happy marriage. <P>--BR<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

BR,<BR>do you have any pets? If not get a little dog or a cat. This may sound stupid, but you need to learn how to love again, and trust. And it could start with a pet. A pet loves you unconditional, and that kind of love even from an animal maybe the thing you need to help heal your wounds.<P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.