If all goes as it appears to be my STBXW will go to court shortly and finalize the D. I have tried, with letters, cards, phone calls etc. to try and get her to change her mind - to no avail - it seems.<P>I am overseas right now. Due to return after the D day. We are not going to tell the girls until I return - so we can do it together. I will be in the home until I can find my own place and arrange to move out.<P>Here is the question. How much do I involve the kids in my transition into a new place?<P>Part of me says that I should include them in helping me locate the place, and maybe even in moving. But another part says that would be the worst thing to do. The kids are 9 and 10 years old.<P>Any experience in this aspect of Ding - any advice?<P>LTH

<B>We are not going to tell the girls until I return </B><BR>What do they think is going on now? You guys have a healthy marriage?<P>“Oh by the way kids, Mom & I are now divorced.“<BR>Oughta go over real well. NOT!<P>They should at least be told you are having problems before you drop the bomb on them.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

I agree, your kids need to know before, not after the fact. I know that if you are overseas, that's pretty hard to do! <P>I know that when my H moved out, we did it while the kids were at school. We told the kids beforehand, but I didn't think it was great to actually drag them through the boxes, the packing, the loading, the moving...<P>I was a wreak myself that day - I can't imagine what it would have done to them.<P>I think personally, that you should find yourself a place that they will find comfortable too, and have it organized enough so that when they visit for the first time, that while it will feel strange, it will also feel safe.<P>Realize that their lives are even more upended than ours are by separation and divorce. Bringing them deliberately into the chaos of moving, and decisions, and packing, unpacking etc...is probably not going to do well for their sense of security.<P><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Chris (CA123):<BR><B>What do they think is going on now? You guys have a healthy marriage?<P>“Oh by the way kids, Mom & I are now divorced.“<BR>Oughta go over real well. NOT!<P>They should at least be told you are having problems before you drop the bomb on them.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I would say they probably don't know much -though we have been through this before (several years ago when we were stationed in Germany). Problem here is that I have been away a year - and my W if determined to go through with the D - I can't change her mind. We don't want to tell the girls without both of us there. I agree - they aren't going to understand this - because we have what would otherwise be considered an OK marriage. There are no outward signs of problems.<P>I really am not sure how to handle this. My instinct - and much of what I have read with respect to D and children - says to let them know (of course) and to keep them involved. But how much? I see some value in them helping me find a place - being part of that - maybe not the move - but it will happen during summer vacation (I am due to return to the States in about one and half months time).<P>Maybe there is hope she will change her mind and this won't matter.<P>LTH<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BrambleRose:<BR><B>I think personally, that you should find yourself a place that they will find comfortable too, and have it organized enough so that when they visit for the first time, that while it will feel strange, it will also feel safe.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Which is why I am thinking to keep them involved - if they help find the place they will certainly like it - I guess.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Realize that their lives are even more upended than ours are by separation and divorce. Bringing them deliberately into the chaos of moving, and decisions, and packing, unpacking etc...is probably not going to do well for their sense of security.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Which is of course my primary concern. I am fully aware this is really going to effect them the most - without a doubt. We are a military family - used to moving - a lot. The packing and unpacking is a way of life for us - maybe it won't be as hard on them as on other kids not used to the constant change.<P>I can say that my frequent long term absenses due to deployments and one year assignments away from family make them pretty resilient to separations - something that I hope helps in the not to distant future when I will have to move again - but this time without them.<P>LTH<P><p>[This message has been edited by lessthanhonorable (edited May 05, 2001).]

<B>How much do I involve the kids in my transition into a new place?</B><BR>Why are YOU going to get a new place? Why not your wife?<P>Also, aren’t the kids going to be with you?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

I recently told my 9 year old son that me and his Mom were separating 2 weeks before it happened. If you can explain to your W to at least see a social worker about the children they to would advise to tell your children before (as soon as possible) not after. My son took the news very, very well. I however realize I was less than honest with him in order to protect him - as he really is the "only" innocent in this situation. <P>I used the good news - bad news method that at this age is <BR>quite effective. I started off by telling him that as he well knew (not entirely true) me and his Mom were fighting a lot untill recently - the reason because we had both decided to be best friends again (if we D I will not be able to see her as a friend only) - although we would now be living apart. He did fill up slightly when I started to tell him the good news of 2 Christmases, 2 Birthdays, 2 rooms, 2 of all sorts of cool things - but also through this whole thing me & his Mom would be helping him & each other. He was very excited about being involved with setting up his Moms new place - & has actually taking to bragging to his friends about his "new" living arrangements. <P>I will offer this also, when you approach them, clear your mind of all "your" pain & fear and let them feel their "own" feelings. This was going to be harder for me than hearing that my W wanted out - untill the social worker explained that these concerns were mine & would probably not be my 9 year old sons - she was right. You never really know what their concerns will be unless you give "them" the chance to express them. At 9 & 10 it will probably be what school will I go to, where will my toys be, who will read to me at night, and so on . . . <P>This should to me more than your marriage be your priority, making sure the children are safe and as nurtured as possible through this ordeal to limit the negative impact in their bright futures - I am sure this is a given.<P>May the Son keep You & Yours Warm & Safe Now & Forever,<P>Tim