For background, my wife and I are both 23, working and going to school, and we have been married for 2 years.<P>Three weeks ago, my wife an I had a terrible fight which culminated in her leaving. She returned the next morning to pack her bags, and she has not been back since. When I talk with her, she tells me that "it's over, I don't love you anymore and I don't want to make it work." <P>I have not done anything patently bad to my wife. I realize now that I didn't pay enough attention to her, and that I certainly didn't let her know how much I appreciated all of the hard work she did, and how proud I was of her accomplishments. Between work and pursuing my master's degree, I think that I just got my priorities messed up, and forgot what was truly important to me. <P>I desperately want to make things work, but my wife has already met with a lawyer, and I expect to be served with papers in the next week or so. Does anyone have any advice on how I can go about breaking down the walls between my wife and I. I feel like communicating with her is an excercise in futility . . . she continuously tells me that she doesn't love me and that I need to "accept the reality of the situation." I am very depressed now, and I will do anything to win back the love of my wife. <P>Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

mjo,<P>Welcome to the boards...<P>First, I didn't here any mention of kids. You've got that going for you at this point.<P>Second, is she seeing someone else? What does your gut tell you? It is usually right.<P>Third, there is NOTHING that you can do at this time to win back the love of your wife. Right now, she has her mind made up and you are not going to change it. She has to change her own mind. Simply, tell her that you love her, but if she has to leave, she has to leave. Do not cling to her, this will only make her want to leave more. Avoid making negative comments and expressions at all costs. That is, avoid "love busters". Right now, she feels "trapped" in a "bad marriage". Right now, she can only see the bad in the marriage and not the good. If she is seeing someone else, she will do her best to belittle you and hurt you as she is looking to justify her adultery.<P>GIVE IT TIME<BR>Patience, Patience, Patience<P>Use this time away from her to read everything you can about marriage and relationships. Start reading Harley's books one by one. Also read "Love Must be Tough" by Dr. Dobson. It will explain why I tell you not to pursue her. Use this time to work on yourself.<P>I know that your heart is broken. Get on anti-depressants right now if you just cannot handle being away from your wife. You must be able to keep a clear head about this and the emotions you are going through will cloud your judgement.<P>The things that you think you probably need to do are probably wrong. Read, read, read. Many times you will have to do the opposite of what you think you need to do in order to win her back.<P>My final word to you is -patience-.<P>It will pay dividends beyond belief.<P>Why? Right now, your wife doesn't want to be with you. It's all up to her. She has to change her mind and want to be with you.<P>Does this make you defective? Probably not. She's the one wanting to leave the marriage, right? All marriages have their ups and downs. Right now, yours is down, but not over.<P>Patience<P><BR>Kevin<P>

You are in the right place...start reading everything on this website...His Needs, Her Needs, Plan A and B,etc. and then post away...there is a collected wisdom on this board that is breathtaking at times.<P>Hang in there.<P>Lisa

Good advice from Father of 1. <P>The best thing you can do is step back. <P>Sorry you have to go through this. Stay here and read read read. Read the books mentioned and read the posts here.<P>Your W will no doubt change her mind a lot in the next few days and weeks. There will be many ups and downs emotionally. <P>Think the possibilty that there is someone else is pretty good. This in no way means that your marraige is doomed but it would certainly explain why the rush to end it all by W. <P>Take care and let us know how you are doing.

Thank you all for your prompt replies.<P> We have no kids, and I honestly don't believe that my wife is seeing someone else. I realize that the circumstances behind her leaving point to infidelity, but I just don't think that she would do something like that. <BR> The whole situation just makes my crazy. Nearly every waking hour of the day I am trying to figure out what I did that was so bad, why she is doing this, and analyzing what she says to me. Your posts reiterate the fact that I need to have patience, but that's awfully darn difficult!!<BR> I guess that why I truly believe that we can save our marriage. We are both young and well-educated, financially well-to-do (for people in their early 20s!), and neither of us have done anything really bad . . . ie cheating, hitting, drinking, gambling . . . nothing that destructive has happened. That is why her leaving was such a shock to me. As I said before, we had had our share of fights and problems, but nothing that I would have ever conceived her leaving over. I know that we can work things out, and I feel like "I don't love you, I don't want this to work, it's over," cannot possibly relect what she feels deep down. May I have done things that make her feel like she doesn't love me, but I thought that's what people sought counselling for . . . to open those lines of communication between two people. Now that she says she wants a divorce, no counselling, no discussion, period, I just don't know what to do. <BR> I don't want to just stand by idly and let her get a divorce. I want to get out there and do whatever I can to prevent it. I hope this feeling is common, and remedies are expounded upon in some of the books y'all cited. <P>Anyhow, thank you for listening.<P>Mike

mjo,<P>Yes this feeling is common. In fact, the scenarios are incredibly common. That's why the other posters agree with what I told you.<P>1. I never thought in a million years that my X could cheat on me and lie repeatedly, but low and behold...<P>2. Remember what we're telling you about patience. I know it is incredibly difficult. Doing the right thing in the face of adversity is always incredibly difficult.<P>Start reading Dr. Harley's books. I guarantee that you will be able to substitute the names of the people in the stories in the books by Dr. Harley. It is shocking how similar the scenarios go. <P>A word of caution... Do not try to use any techniques until you have read several books. It is extremely important that you understand the big picture before you proceed.<P>Though I was unable to save my own marriage (There really is no saving it yourself, you know, it's up to your wife), I was able to help my best friend save his. His wife cheated on him. I gave him and told him everything that I have learned and he is still married.<P>Patience<P>I know that being alone is hard, but I guarantee it will get better every day. Soon you will feel whole again. Be strong. She will not respect you and cannot love you if you are weak.<P>Kevin

This is exactly what my spouse told me. Then just after one month of being separated he served me with divorce papers. What I can say is this..........if you have the Lord in your life your battle is won. I believe in saving EVERY marriage and know that God wants this too. People we love always say things to hurt us when they feel unloved, betrayed, hurt, etc. and it might not necessarily be from you.<P>Just be strong and give it time. Stand by her and read up on relationships and marriage. Write me if you would like. Findandkeep@yahoo.com

Welcome to the boards, Mike. I'm sorry that you are here, but you have come to the right place. There are several of us who have been through the exact same thing out here and as much as it hurts, it's nice to find other's who have been there to help you through it.<P>There are two of us specifically that have posted hours worth of writings over the 9-10 months regarding our situations. As I read through your post, I heard the exact same words coming from my heart so many months ago. I'm sure that you will hear from my friend, SoTired2000, as well over the next few days and I'm going to beat him to the following suggestion: you can do a search for topics posted by either SoTired2000 or Jayhawk 93 by going to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/search.cgi?action=intro&default=34" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/search.cgi?action=intro&default=34</A> , also, there is a recent post from positivebryan which has some of this same information. If you have some time on your hands, spend some time reading the posts from this thread <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/000982.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/000982.html</A> These posts are where the two of us really got to know one another and I'm sure that you will find very similar feelings and experiences out there. The thread is then continued at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/001029.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/001029.html</A> if you would like to read more.<P>Just knowing that there are other people who have been through this has been tremendously helpful to me throughout this whole ordeal. Since both you and posiitivebryan seem to be at the same place, you might want to post to him so you two can share your stories. I know that once I bonded with SoTired2000, I was able to open up a lot more and I was able to post my true feelings knowing that I was not alone.<P>Again, I am sorry that you are here, but welcome to our little family <P>- Shawn<p>[This message has been edited by Jayhawk 93 (edited May 06, 2001).]