Hello friends,<P>I have finally come to the conclusion that no matter what I do, my wife will never change from her new lifestyle which means continually lying to me about her whereabouts and the extent of her relationships with other men.<P>My biggest problem is my daughter, who is almost 8, who knows I can't take it any longer but wants the family to stay together. <P>What or how do I tell her that Daddy cannot stay married to Mommy anymore. The truth is because my wife is still secretly seeing other men, and thinks I don't know. She has gotten so "sophisticated" about it now, that she actually tells me up front that she's having lunch with a "friend" from work and that there is no hanky panky going on.<P>But I can't tell that to my daughter, can I? So what can I tell when she insists on knowing the reason why I'm not willing to try any longer?<P>Help!<P>Thank you

This is a tough one..I guess you can start by asking her her feelings about what is going..I'm sure she knows there is trouble..they all usually sense it even if they don't know all the details..you can let her know that you love her mommy very much...but that you aren't happy with her actions..(there is a difference)<P>kids tend to personalize things..if you say you love mommy..then you pull away from her because she's doing something wrong..then what will you do if they do something<BR>wrong?? will you pull away from them too?? so you need to be very careful about how you word it..let her know that even though you love mommy..you don't like living with the hurt that you are feeling..because of the actions..and that you have to "protect your heart" as faithfulwife said in another post..so that you aren't hurting anymore..let her know that<BR>there are boundries and that this one of them..yes you love mommy..but..her actions hurt me..so I have to set up these boundries so that I don't hurt anymore..you can also use it to teach her self respect..in that..because you have respect for yourself..that you will not allow others to hurt you like this..and you have to separate yourself from the situation until you are not hurting so much inside..<P>It can also teach her that she doesn't have to allow taking abuse from others..don't judge her mom..don't condemn her..but always let her know that even though her mom is doing this...you still love her..and also tell your daughter that even though she may do things..and she will do things that hurt you..that you may not like the actions..but you'll always no matter what...love her...<BR>

Don't have a good answer for you but wanted to say hi and send you hugs...<P>(((hugs to john)))<P>TnT

I believe you are right I don't think you can tell such a young one such a painfull revelation. I am sure others will post if not - please consult at least a clinical social worker (not one from a school) trained to deal with children your daughters age. They too will have your daughters best at heart & will be able to offer specific age oriented advice. <P>I will pray for you & daughter tonight & many after . . .<P> <P>------------------<BR>StarCrossed

I can admire your trying so hard for the sake of your daughter. I would suggest getting a referral from your family pediatrician to a specialist for your child. My children see a psychotherapist who deals only with kids. His office, looks more like a toy store and the kids think its the greatest thing.<P>Would you keep custody of your daughter, or her mom? Its important to be honest with the kids (not about the affairs) but to tell them that mommy and daddy are not going to live together anymore but explain that you will both do your best to make it alright for her. She might know some kids at school who's parents divorced and life is very hard on them and be very fearful.<P>No one wants the children to suffer, and divorce is never good for them, but if you and your stbx possibly, work together to co-parent, that is at least a start . <P>My kids are 10, 8 and 3 and their dad left unexpectadely on xmas '99 when they were 8,6 and almost 2. It was a nightmare. Imagine 3 little girls waking up to santa coming, then daddy leaving. It was a long hard road, but if they made it, and can get straight A's ever since, and still survive, I think it proves that kids are tougher than we think and they will learn to accept it, but I only think thats possible when the parents work together to make them comfortable with the divorce.<P>Good luck, Dana<P><p>[This message has been edited by DanaB (edited May 08, 2001).]