<B>Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter</B><P><B>Rule One:</B> <BR>If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.<BR> <BR><B>Rule Two:</B> <BR>You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. <P><B>Rule Three:</B> <BR>I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.<BR> <BR><B>Rule Four:</B> <BR>I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.<BR> <BR><B>Rule Five:</B> <BR>It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." <P><B>Rule Six:</B> <BR>I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. <P><B>Rule Seven:</B> <BR>As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? <P><B>Rule Eight:</B> <BR>The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.<BR> <BR><B>Rule Nine:</B> <BR>Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.<BR> <BR><B>Rule Ten:</B> <BR>Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. <P>I think these ought to suffuce....<P>What do you think?<P>Bill<P><p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited May 05, 2001).]

Bill,<P>I do not mean to offend but if I do, I apologize now.<P>You sound almost exactly like my father. When I read your post I cried. You are a good man and father like my father.<P>My parents stand by me as I go through this personal hell. They pray for and still love my H no matter what he has done.<P>Keep these 10 thoughts in mind for your little one. She may not be little but she will always be your little one.<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Thank you of reminding me how wonderful my father is and how wonderful my H will be if he returns to our M and we have children.<P>K<p>[This message has been edited by Knewjie (edited May 05, 2001).]

Geeze K,<P>This was meant to be humorous....but there is a lot of truth in the sentiments...Hell I was born in 68!!<P>Even if it was seen as for real I'm glad it touched you for the better.<P>Bill

Sorry Bill!<P>I'm feeling really sentimental tonight. I bet if I read it and I wasn't feeling this way I would die laughing!!<P>Thanks for sharing it <P>K

<B>Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Son</B><P>Rule One: <BR>If he pulls into your driveway and honks, you'd better just send him on his way home, cause he obviously still has lessons to learn, and is not ready to date yet.<P>Rule Two: <BR>You do not touch my son in front of me. You may glance at him, so long as you do not peer at anything below his waist. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my son’s body, I will remove them. Permanently.<P>Rule Three: <BR>I am aware that it is considered fashionable for girls of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips, or so tightly that it is possible to … .or that your shirts must show us all how well you are ‘developing’, or how well toned your midriff is… Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your ‘slutwear’ showing and your pants ten sizes too big or small, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my son, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your clothing securely in place to your body.<P>Rule Four: <BR>I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.<P>Rule Five: <BR>It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about feelings, careers, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to be done with my son, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." <P>Rule Six: <BR>I have no doubt you are a popular girl, with many opportunities to date other girls and/or boys. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my son. Otherwise, once you have gone out with the center of my universe, you will continue to date no one but he until he is finished with you. If you make him cry, I will make you cry. If you hurt him, I will hurt you.<P>Rule Seven: <BR>As my son stands in your front hallway, waiting for you to appear, and more than an hour goes by, he will not sigh and fidget….he will leave. If you want to be on time for the movie, then show some respect and be on time. If you cannot show this respect, you should not be dating. If you are putting on your makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge, my son will have no use for this, as he is not in need of some insecure ‘painted woman’, and hopefully, his father and I will have taught him that<P>Rule Eight: <BR>The following places are not appropriate for a date with my son: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my son to disrobe in any manner. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Aids halfway houses are best…learn their lessons…..learn them well.<P>Rule Nine: <BR>Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a memory-reduced, aging throw back to the hippie days, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my son, I am the all-knowing, merciless goddess of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a a big sword, assorted garden implements, a mean temper, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.<P>Rule Ten: <BR>Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your voice for nails being raked across a blackboard….when returned to the trauma that was my adolescent experience, the voices in my head frequently tell me to polish the axe as I wait for you. I suffer no sluts or bimbos…..may god have mercy on your soul……I will have none. You ‘play’ and ‘toy’ with him, I’ll give you to a Bengal tiger to see how you like being ‘played’ and ‘toyed’ with. If you like playing games, get a monopoly board…leave my son alone. Be afraid…..I’m a mother…..be VERY afraid. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. <BR>

*<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited May 06, 2001).]

Bill,<P>As I've told ya before...<B>I'm so glad I have sons!</B> <P>Give Abbey another 10 years and we'll see how well you're doing! Wait til she brings home a guy with hair longer than hers and tattoos! <P>Mitzi

Hey, Bill. Robert actually GAVE those rules when someone sent them to me to one of Kristin's bf's that he HATED. The poor boy took him seriously!!! lOL He then proceeded to tell the poor boy that if you threw bodies in a pigpen, the pigs would dispose of them, bones and all, and no one would be the wiser! he really REALLY did not like that boy! Neither did I, but I figure you can't pick 'em!<P>Well, poor boy's gone now. He likes the new one, so no problems yet........he's actually glad that Kristin's stayed with this one a few months. Wonder what's gonna happen when he realizes that the LONGER they are together, the MORE POTENTIAL for problems we have???????????? <P>Your day will come......<P>Love ya!<P>Lori

I have no problem with them going to movies as I like movies and popcorn too!