Hi all,<P>It has been sometime since I have posted anything about me...<P>It is now 3 months post divorce and I am slowly coming out of my funk...I say this because in all honesty I haven't been all that happy with me...I put on a nice facade to show a smiling face but the reality is deep down. I don't like myself a lot of the time. This "depression" has manifested itself in several ways...The biggest is my becoming <B>extremely</B> slothful in my ways...I have been putting my house up for sale since January and as of yet I haven't a sign in the yard!! I do my laundry when I have <B>NO</B> clean clothes and I only clean up when I can not stand it any longer!....I'm slowly going bankrupt due to the tremendous mortgage burden on my shoulders, remember my ex left the week we were supposed to move into our "dream" house...needless to say I can not afford the 165k mortgage, plus there is just too much space to clean!<P>I realized how bad I was feeling last weekend when I had a friend visit from out of town...You can surmise I wasn't the best company. They however will disagree. But I know deep down I wasn't my usual self and it affected my visit. You see I am an isolationist by nature, be it from my addiction or this depression, but when I am not happy with me I retreat into myself and hole up there until I perceive the assault of life has subsided.<P>I finally got the courage to ask for help and started seeing my shrink again. He has been most helpful in giving me some tools to dig myself out of this pit that I have spent the last 4 or 5 months decorating. Yes that's right I get comfortable in my misery and settle into it. I have reached out to a few people but they were half assed cries for help and I am grateful for the encouragement they gave me. It did help me stay in check with reality. And I am most grateful!! They know who they are Thank You!<P>I have made a few decisions concerning my future. I decided that if I can figure out how to live I am going back to school for my undergraduate degree then on to dental school for my DDS. I have done most of the footwork involved and only have 1 or 2 things concerning registration to follow up on. The big issue is finances. How to pay the bills and take care of a 4 year old?<P>I have thought about dating but am very scared to venture out there. The idea of a relationship scares hell out of me as does simply spreading pollen among the native females. Being lonely also leaves much to be desired....Some quandary!! LOL <P>In spite of all this I can honestly say I'm getting ok...I'm getting the willingness to do some work and see the sky above the top of the hole I am in!! I damn sure don't want to redecorate the pit. LOL<P>Well thanks all for reading my update...I know it will be ok after a bit more hard work and what more can I guy ask for with a group like this for support <P>Love you all!!<P>Bill<P><p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited May 06, 2001).]

I can relate buddy...<P>I go to the cave and hibernate when I'm *there*.<P>Just wanted to say HI and Love ya!

Bill,<P>I'm glad to see the update. I have seen you post a bit, but did wonder from time to time as to what was really happening with you.<P>Being 6 months post divorce myself, I can understand completely about the putting on that facade when you are feeling something else inside, but I really think that is normal to a certain degree. I know in my case, that facade becomes has become ess and less over time as my inner feelings and inner happiness are finally starting to overpower the feeling of just throwing out a happy exterior. I also experience some intense moments of sadness and probably will for some time, but those moments are still becomming less intense and are occuring with less frequency. <P>I'm very happy for you that you are seeking help through your therapist. It shows that you know what is happening to yourself and you care enough to get out of it. It also shows that you are brave enough to ask for help when you really need it. So many times when people fall into that pit of depression, they just learn to live with it without ever facing the cause. Until those issued are dealt with, getting oneself out of that pit is next to impossible.<P>I think you are doing this right and I really have faith that you will be able to redecorate yourself right out of that pit. It may start slow with new paint, a few new pictures on the wall and maybe a new comfy chair, but soon it will be knocking down walls, adding windows, adding skylights and eventually that pit will be just too darn small to keep you happy no matter what you do to it.<P>Hang in there, Bill, you are going to rise above

Going back to school is a big decision. I am currently going back to school at night.<BR>I already have a degree..but let's face it, it is 20 years old.<BR>I was a stay at home mom and loved my role as that. I did make extra income for our faimly with craft shows but working full time was not something I had done since my second child was born.<BR>I am working on getting my teaching certificate. It will take me 2 more years going to school at night Though this year went by real fast.<BR>I currently work as a teacher Assistant for the 5th grade and have the same position next year.<BR>First you need to fill out a Fafta (something like that) form for finacial aide. You can do this on line. <BR>I qualify for $10 thousand a year, (but I am a junior) IT is to pay for college and living expenses. I only borrowed $6,000 of it and that included summer school.<BR>There is a great college here that you can get your degree at night. I think you will be able to fine one in your area.<BR>You can do this. I am 42 and decided it was not too late.<P>I admire you for being honest with yourself and your self assesment of how you are doing. That is the first step in healing your pain...confronting it.<P>I am post divorce since Oct 2000. I am scared to death to date too...and I do understand the loney part. I was married for almost 20 years.<P>I did clean my kitchen yesterday and it was nice to see the counters again...my house is pretty clean..but the laundry looks like something out of the movie the "Blob" it just keeps creeping out...LOL<P>You can go to school....it is hard...but you can do it.<P>I hope this helps!<BR>

Bill,<P>It's just another dip in the ride and you're handling it the right way. You're asking for help. Most people wouldn't do that and have a harder time getting thru it. You'll make it just like you have every other time that things got rough. It's all part of the process.<P>As for your friend last weekend, true friends know and understand when a person is having a rough time. They understand that sometimes we're not perfect and neither are circumstances. I'm sure your friend is like that.<P>(((((BILL)))))<P>Mitzi

Sheryl,<BR>Thanks...you know what I have been going through thanks for listening...<P>Jayhawk,<BR>I learned through this whole ordeal that I don't have to go through anything alone and people will share thier experience when I ask them. And I'm getting the hell out of this pit, forget about expanding it!! LOL<P>My3kids,<BR>I have done all of things you suggested all I need to do is go to the OASIS office and give them my transcripts don't know what the Gov't will give me for aid yet...I'm going to a state acredited university here in Charlotte so I know I'll be getting a good education and I plan on going full time.<P>Mitzi,<BR>You are right about friends understanding, they do. I know I'll pull myself together in the next few weeks. I'm tired of feeling this way!!<P>Bill

Hey Bill!<P>Don't really have all that much to say.<BR>[gee...that's a shock!]<P>Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you.<BR>Everything will work out! <P>You have so many friends,lot's of people that care about you! <P>We will always be around when you need the suport!<P>Hang in there bud!<P>Love ya <P>Gina <P><P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----

Bill,<P>I have gone thru much of the same things you have since divorce. The financial strain is very hard to deal with when you have all the other issues along with it. <P>I have to admit, something you said, struck me in a way since it relates to what I'm dealing with a little, how when you are down, you basically settle into misery. Well, I don't like to settle into misery but I see my stbx bf doing the same thing and behaving in the ways you describe as well. <P>It is very painful to watch someone you care about let themselves stay in that sad place for so long. I believe your friend who visited, and your other friends too, want to help you , but just might not be sure what is the right way to do it. <P>I think your on the right track, selling the house (shouldn't you put a sign out now?, this is prime season), making future plans for college, seeing a counselor. I also remember your old posts about past addictions, and think of how much you've accomplished there as well. You have so much to be proud of.<P>Good luck ,and can I borrow the cave for a while now that your coming out of it?<BR>Dana<BR>

Bill,<BR>Glad to hear you are doing okay and starting to awaken.<P>As for finances, can you refinace? I did after my divorce and am currently doing again. Check around for rates. I am using my bank, and while they are not the cheapest(nearly) I can save a bunch on bank fees.<P>As for cleaning, check with someone from your church and have them come in peridically. I pay a lady to come in at $10/hr. I have her come in about every 3 weeks. If dirty houses where all that hazardous, there would not be a population problem. I clean the bathrooms about once a week.<P>As for the isolationist, I have no clues. I love being around people. I go to some local watering holes when I have the time, but don't drink more then 2-3 beers, but I enjoy being around the people. I know this wouldn't probably work for you, maybe some volunteering where you can take Abbey, just so you are around people.<P>It sounds like you are back on the right track, counseling etc, just keep on moving forward.<P>Bob