It started Mon. with the finalization of this mess. My XH called me and really opened up & shared with me what a mess he has made and how he is struggling with what he has done and how in doing what he has done-he sees how far reaching the consequences are.<P>He called me again on Saturday. Out of the blue-meaning no business to attend to. I could tell that he really wanted to chat and share, like good friends do. He thanked me for giving him the opportunity to "talk". He would totally understand if I were to hate him for what he has done. He was quite uplifting, telling me what a terrific outlook & attitude I have, he thanked me for being so kind. Basically I think that by having the attitude I did and continue to have towards him, is now helping him to realize and to look deeper into "everything".<P>I didn't go into what is now happening with OW-not my business anymore. He did share something I already knew (all of us here already know), in that he got caught up in something, "pure deception". Mind you, I have no idea where his new relationship is right now. I do know that he has not introduced this woman to ANYONE. At this point, our friends & his family just aren't ready to embrace this relationship, and my XH knows this. That must be strange to not be able to share your love interest with your closest friends & family.<P>I have been asked the question several times, especially lately, "would you take him back"? Believe me, I'm not pining away for him, but I do think, given the opportunity that I would. I have grown tremendously and gained a certain amount of new found knowledge and enlightenment from this ordeal. So I think my response isn't a flippant naive one. Not that "that" is even a possibility. Just a question and thought to ponder.<P>I have dated a bit. My XH did ask me if I had dated, and I was honest (of course). I told him that I really needed to be "wined and dined" a bit and just go out and have a little fun (Lord knows he neglected me for a long time-I told him that too). This is still so soon to even think about getting into a serious relationship. I wouldn't be doing that person justice, how could I if in the back of my mind, I would take my XH back.<P>I guess in time. Is that it, time?<P>Just in talking with XH, my heart still really goes out to him and I care so deeply for him.<P>I never really dated much. Two longterm relationships is it really (counting the one I began when I was 16).<P>I could really go on, as I have a ton of questions about dating. I'll just see what type of response I get from this post.<P>Oh ya and just thought I'd recommend a book;<BR>Spiritual Divorce, Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life, by Debbie Ford<P>I don't think that divorce is really ever a blessing, but I do know that I have alot of living to do & it will be a good life at that.<P>

Petrie,<P>I would have replied sooner but I have had a rough week.<P>I would say that divorce would be a good eye opener for the WS to take a look at what they've done. At least there are some good things here. You are doing OK. The OW has been introduced to NO ONE. And I agree, it is never a blessing, but it is healthy to realize that we will go on to live a new life again.<P>As for dating, well, when you post a thread with the word dating in it , you will get at least 50 replies, thats a given around here.<P>I have always been ok with people dating but now that my life is flipped upside down, I also know that doing it too soon isn't that good of an idea. If you do a search on dating, I'm sure you'll pull up a lot!<P>If not, just repost the question. <P>Hugs, Dana<BR>

Petrie,<P>Yup, Dana is right. You bring up the topic of dating and the thread will just take on a life of it’s own….<P>I’m sorry that I don’t remember how long it’s been since your divorce became final, but rushing into a serious relationship is never a good idea. I think that getting out of the house and spending time with new people is a good thing, but you really need to be healed and at peace with your divorce before you can really be true to yourself and to the other person. As you said, you would not be doing that other person justice if in the back of your mind you are still willing to take your XH back. It’s a tough issue. Trust me, I know. I also feel like you when it comes to talking with my XW as well because I still care very deeply for her. <P>I am quickly coming upon the 6 month anniversary of my divorce and I still wonder myself what I would do if my XW attempted to re-enter my life in a romantic sense. It’s hard to discount because we have a 7 year history together which is filled with some very wonderful memories, and of course the mindset of spending the rest of your life with this one person. Despite all of the tears and heartache of the past 11 months, I still miss her at times, but I’m trying to distinguish that feeling between missing her and just missing the companionship. Sometimes it seems like a very fine line.<P>She and I have remained friends and although we don’t have a lot of contact, it still just feels natural when we do speak. In my head I know that my life can be better without her, both from a financial standpoint and a communicative level, but I’d be lying to myself if my heart wasn’t still saying, “what if?” My mother was a very young, divorced mother of one before she met my father. Several years after my father passed away, she briefly dated her XH and after 30+ years of divorce, she still pondered the idea of “what if” because that bond was still there.<P>I think it is perfectly normal for us to feel love and compassion for our ex’s once the finality of the divorce has been settled. It has been said many times that divorce is just a piece of paper and just having a judge declare you divorced does not mean those feelings will, or should automatically stop. If they did, then you would truly have to question your love in the first place. In answer to your other thought, I think it does just take time to get over this type of loss before you can really handle another serious relationship.<P>You will hear all sorts of timelines when it comes to dating, but of course none of them are set in stone. They are merely suggestions and simply mean that it’s a process and it takes time. As long as you don’t rush things, you will probably be fine. And don’t be surprised if you think everything is fine and going perfectly, then you slip back into a funk because of the XH. Again, it’s normal. The best thing you can do is start dating when you feel up to it and if you find someone whom you really care for and see some potential, <B>be honest</B> with that person. It may be hard, but if that person truly cares about you, he will understand and will be willing to be patient as you work through your feelings. The truth may scare this other person away, but it’s always better to keep these things out in the open from the start or it will be that much harder down the road.<P>Just let the process work it’s way out. Some days will be better than others, but in the long run, you’ll be ok. All of us will.<BR>