I've been separated for a year, and just started the divorce paperwork this week. I thought I was off the rollercoaster ride and was ready to get this thing over with, but actually filing has really thrown me for a loop! I think I have been "functioning depressed" or whatever it is called since this started...barely able to complete work (and grad school at the same time, what was I thinking) but still going to work and school every day/week. But every now and then I'd have a bad weekend where I was very sad. I haven't had one of those days in a while, until today! <P>I am just so sad that all my dreams are just gone. Adultery sucks. I am over talking about the OW and adultery, but am just starting to fathom how I am so alone and my life is empty. I have friends, but no family, and no kids to help me through this. Everyone says "at least you don't have kids", and after reading LostHusband's post I can see how GUTWRENCHING that would be if you didn't get custody. But at the same time, I wanted kids throughout this marriage and the H didn't want any. Now I feel like I not only have a husband, but no family and no prospects for one anytime soon! I was supposed to be a mom by now. I'd be a damn good one. <P>So I'll just keep on being a single career girl. Funny, but I used to be glad I wasn't one of the older single women at my work who always organized things to do together for companionship. I guess I better get to know them now!<P>But I feel like I am walking around in a life that is not mine and I don't know how to fix it. I guess I just need to start being happy with what I have, which is a lot. But it is kind of hard doing that now. <P>How long does it take anyway from filing to getting this over with? A couple months? I wish it were sooner so I could get the grieving part over with sooner. <P>(CJ thinks on that last bit for a few minutes.......)<P>I guess I'll answer my own post. I think I went through stress, depression, sadness, emotional confusion all last year while trying to decide to divorce OR NOT. Then I was just getting ready to do this divorce stuff, and my H was irritating me so much I finally filed. But now I guess I am beginning the grieving process. A different process I gather. Grieving for the actual death of the marriage. Until one files, the marriage isn't actually OVER. But filing is kind of the actual drinking of the poison at the grave isn't it? (Sorry, I just had a mental picture of Romeo/Juliet dead and laying on each other as symbolism for the death of marriage). <P>Sorry to sound so melodramatic. It always helps me to write things down, and read any other's comments. Any help you can offer during this time, I'd appreciate it!<P>

CJ, <BR>you are not alone. many of people are here in the same situation that you are. Welcome to the board. I too feel lonely, this weekend was one of the worst. I am 28 and will be divorced the end of this month. My had/is having and Emotional affair with a married man she met at the gym. We have no kids, but it still doesnt take away the pain.<BR>I understand what you mean about barely been able to complete work. Most people on here me included have had or are having a hard time working or going to school. <BR>The best thing you can do is come here read and post, and go to the book store and read everything you can on depression, separtation, divorce, and recovery.<P>Just remember that LOTS of people do care for you, even strangers.<P><P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.