Well, My H dropped the kids off last night. He was kind enough to bring me some cake from first communion party for OW #2 D.<P>Anyway, he had to return to drop something back off. He was outside in his car and says to me "so what is the deal with the bills?" I just looked at him. I started to go back into house and he yells out the window "I just want you to go back to work and start paying for some things"<P>I haven't worked in 3+ years and worked sporadically for 2 years before that. I have 3 kids, 3,4,5. He just walked out the door and pays for mortgage only. I had to borrow money form my mom until we go to court. He refuses to pay for anything else. <P>This man I used to be married to just keeps doing more things that make me more and more amazed by his lack of character and integrity. I do love him but I am thoroughly disgusted by him as well.<P>The A's are one thing and the treatment of me and his kids are another thing. I know which one is worse, his lack of caring for his family his worse.<P>Hopelessmom

Hopeless- I can relate to how you feel. The A's ARE one thing but then to be treated with disrespect and disregard TOO is so hurtful!!!! It is so hard to believe that someone we had children with and trusted with our entire being and we were working together to build a future and then they up and change their minds! My H has filed on me then cancelled the papers then last wk said again he wants a D.One day he tells me he's fallen out of love with me then the next he says he does. I just cant believe in my heart he would want to leave me and our 3 kids. I am a SAHM mom too- moved 5 times for his job. Has your H filed already? Can your attorney get him to pay more toward your bills? I take comfort in the book Surviving an Affair where Harley says that if our H's keep treating us so badly over time we will lose our loving feelings for them.We will eventually begin to relate to them as they truly are rather than how we remember them to be. Did you read that part? lifeismessy

I filed the divorce. I have to finish net worth statement and then attorney will file a motion for immediate temporary support. This costs more money.<P>Each day I see "what he is" and it is hard to beleive it is the same person, maybe it is and I never realized it. <P>Hopelessmom

hopelessmom,<P>It would be ridiculous for you to try to go back to work when you have three preschoolers. Unless when you were working sporadically, you were working as a doctor or a lawyer, it is doubtful that you could earn enough to cover daycare. If your kids have never been in daycare, for quite awhile they will constantly be getting sick, and it is not likely that they will conveniently be sick simultaneously. Then there are all the other things you will have to take time off for, like court hearings, etc. I only have one preschooler (and 5 older ones); I work half time at a very family-friendly, flexible place in a job that pays quite well - but it would still barely be worth it if I had to pay for daycare - not to mention the fact that the kids need you at home with them more than ever now. <P>In my case, for every dollar I earn about 15,000 plus daycare, my H gets to pay 40 cents less in child support - of course they are motivated to want you to go back to work.<P>lifeismessy,<P>I have found that it doesn't work that way. The meaner my H is to me, the more obvious it is that this is not the real him. He has been gone over two years, and I love him just as much as ever, and I suspect that will never change. <P>

Nellie,<P>I'm curious where you got that figure of how your ex has to pay less child support? As far as I knew, its a set figure. In my state, something like 17% for one child , 25% for 2, and 29% for 3. <BR> <A HREF="http://www.acf.dhhs.gov/programs/cse/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.acf.dhhs.gov/programs/cse/</A> <P>This is a link I found for child support, i haven't looked thru it all yet, but maybe it can help someone.<P>Hopeless,<P>I would be furious with the cake. I also agree, its the lack of caring for the family that hurts just as much. I don't know if deep down, they don't care, or they are still too much in the fog. I'm sure its different for every situation, but it all hurts the same.<P>Hugs, Dana<BR>

Dana,<P>In my state, child support is a percentage that is then adjusted by the relative incomes of the parents, so that the more I earn, the less he has to pay. In addition, except for a slight adjustment the judge is permitted based on circumstances, the non-custodial parent does not have to support any children beyond three, because the primary consideration is that the non-custodial parent has enough to live on. Whether the children are homeless and starving is completely irrelevant.

Well, this takes the cake! He attends a first communion for the daughter of his girlfriend, (who he cheated on you with.) First communion - a special sacrament in the Church, for the faithful, who are in a state of grace. He had the hypocrisy, as a man still legally married to you, to present himself in church to witness the daughter of his girlfriend take the eucharist for the first time. He doesn't believe in fidelity to his marriage vows, doesn't believe in honoring his family and feeding and supporting his babies, but he takes part in this celebration.<P>Then he brings home a slice of CAKE from the party? That's outrageous. Talk about rubbing salt in the wound. What an insensitive pr***. Or was it the girlfriend's idea - well, two of a kind.<P>The little ones need you with them. Their father has abandoned them, you are their lone parent. If you leave them, their abandonment feelings could double.<P>(Based on first-hand experience from my own parent's divorce. I was 4 and my sister was 3. Someday I'll write a book about it.)<P>You're still in your home. Is it possible you can defray your expenses by renting to a student (female) so as to pay minimum food, milk and electricity bills?<P>"Get a job" in your case is stupid. You already have one.<P>Nellie1 is right. The logistics of trying to work and get 3 kids to daycare, and deal with their colds, flus, etc. would leave you with little net out of your paycheck. You would also be buying lunch, work clothes, paying for parking, chipping in for office collections for the girl who just had a baby or for the guy in the mail room who broke his arm and is getting flowers, -<P>Please, may I give your H a kick in the rear? Please? <P>------------------<BR>Looney Belle aias Bellevue

Could you kick more than his rear end. <P>I am still in the house currently but realistically have to move. I have been looking. I have thought of getting a room mate, girl/woman/grandma/ but I'm not sure.<P>I started babysitting my neice 4 and nephew 7 months to give me some money. It is only here and there as of now but it does help with immediate cash needs. The funny thing is that these kids belong to his brother (divorced with these kids from second marriage). We will see how long this lasts with the court stuff up and coming.<P>Anyway, sometimes when he says stuff to me I have to consciously remind myself that all this stuff he is throwing at me he is really throwing at himself. His anger and now lack of control over me. I Know that he is running from himself but I can't make him see that. I wish he would turn to Christ and ask him for his help and guidance but I can't do that. I can only pray for him.<P>He really doesn't realize what he is doing to me or especially the kids. It is such a shame.<P>hopelessmom

[hopelessmom:<BR>"Could you kick more than his rear end." Gladly. <P>"I am still in the house currently but realistically have to move." <P>Is this because you can't afford it alone? Or is the house up for sale. I ask because uprooting the kids is disruptive. Could you bunk the youngest ones in your room, sell the double bed and get yourself a single bed, and clear their room out for a roommate? Find out what Rooms for Rent are going for in your area. You may want to contact the airlines and get a stewardess (or whatever they are called these days.) They are gone a lot, you wouldn't necessarily have to sacrifice much of your privacy.<P>A friend of ours works for the airlines. She posted a notice on the bulletin board at the airport for the line she works with. But if you have a big airport near you, with many airlines using it - I would specify FEMALE because you don't want any talk.<P>Food for thought. <P>"Anyway, sometimes when he says stuff to me I have to consciously remind myself that all this stuff he is throwing at me he is really throwing at himself. His anger and now lack of control over me. I Know that he is running from himself but I can't make him see that."<P>You show depth and insight. And if you try to tell him what he is doing, in other words to "educate" him, he will lash out at you. That's what my H did.<P>"He really doesn't realize what he is doing to me or especially the kids. It is such a shame." Let me guess: He says it's you doing this, not him.<P>Keep praying, go to the Plan A site, the Plan B site, and read everything you can here. But don't mention Christ or G-d to him. Anything you suggest now will be rejected.<P>Take care.<P><P>------------------<BR>Looney Belle aias Bellevue

The house isn't for sale yet. I can not afford it alone unless he gives me what I am asking for.<P>I have a 5 bedroom house. I like the stewardess idea. Also, medical resident i was thinking. They don't have much time to do anything but sleep and work.<P>I have read Plan A, B, and many other books. <P>It is interesting because I sort of, not alot, like being without him. Not all the time. I do get lonely and what Adult companionship and male companionship and yes, Some sex every year would be good. LOL Maybe each day I miss him a little less. When I don't have to see him or talk to him about divorce crap, I'm okay but once he starts in on divorce stuff, etc, it is all down hill.<P>Since all this began, I have learned a lot about myself and people and relationships. I know that I have a lot more to learn but the growth has been tremendous. I have many new friends who are so supportive of me during this time. It is interesting how strangers can become friends and be supportive and couple friends just turn their backs pretty much because they don't want to take sides.<P>Divorce is destructive in so many ways. It is the cancer of this country.<P>hopelessmom