Ok, I've gotten my H served, and am waiting to hear back from the lawyer and the court as to the next step.<P>My H and I have been very cordial through most of this, he's been spending nights on the weekends, etc. I've been struggling to work a Plan A (not so much meeting ENs, but avoiding LBs and being a person that I can admire).<P>I've had several discussions with my H about the kids - and we had reached several agreements that we were planning to put into a visitation agreement. (No spending the night with members of the opposite sex - no alone time with people that we don't both agree too, etc)<P>However, as I was just getting ready to start letting him have the kids every other weekend (his visitation has always been supervised by me) I found out that he had gone back to his OW.<P>My H actually introduced my oldest son to the OW just before he moved out. My son got dragged into the middle of the mess, and is now on antidepressants, and after getting kicked out of school for anger issues, is under the care of a psychologist AND a psychiatrist.<P>So, I asked my H to sign a letter agreeing to the things that we had verbally come to terms with. I added a paragraph about not ever bringing the children into the presence of OW. (Which he had agreed to in the past).<P>He refused. I just got off the phone with him - after listening to him tell me that the OW had changed, had gotten counseling in the last 6 months and no longer was going to use my children to manipulate us. He felt that it would be "healing" (his word!) for our son to be around OW and her children, now that my H had "cleaned up his relationship" with her. <P>Yes, we are still raising our kids Catholic he assured me, and there was no reason for our kids to suspect that he had anything but a "friendship" with this woman now, and it would be "healing" for them to see their father with her, and her kids would be good for our kids.<P>Our kids KNOW he had an affair - and my oldest felt that my H loved her kids more than him. He's 9 years old and on Zoloft....AAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!<P>I'm gonna break my keyboard I am so PO'd right now.<P>I tried very hard to have a calm conversation with him. I found myself saying stupid things like: It's ok, have whatever relationship you want with her, just keep our kids out of it! <P>It's NOT OK, but obviously that's a thing I can not change.<P>Anyway, after he starting telling me that our marriage failed because I was such a B%^&, I told him not to contact me again, except through my lawyer or his parents.<P>His parents are getting ready to cut off their relationship with him also. They are completely horrified and appalled.<P>Of course, he called back 20 minutes later to apologize and tell me that I was right. I told him that if he continued to contact me that I'd get a restraining order, and that we had nothing to talk about unless I had it in writing that he would not take our children to see that woman. And I hung up. And turned off the phone ringers. And I wont be answering without caller id anymore....<P>Should I put this in writing?? I can pretty much kiss financial support goodbye until I get my lawyer to court on it - I'd not been urgent about it before, because H was paying the bills. But obviously, as before, he'll use money as a reason to get back into contact with me.<P>HELP. Any words of wisdom for me?? Not being able to protect my children is such a horrible feeling. I just want to throw up right now.<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

BR,<P>I feel for you.<P>I've been there... done that... (old cliche... but appropriate)<P>I too <B>talked</B> it over with my W and she agreed to not have her OM be around my kids... (at least for 3 months when school let out!)...<BR>..it lasted about one month...<BR>...and then she had him over the house with kids when I went on a business trip<BR>...and planned a summer vacation (<B>week</B>-long) with kids and OM... (this I stopped!)<BR>...and through it all, I was a basket case!<P>I don't know how your state/county is on situations like this...<BR>...but in my state(NJ)... if you are living separate...<BR>...either spouse can have the OP in the presence of the children...<BR>...<B>even in an over-night situation</B>... <BR>...and then I became <B>very</B> sick!!!<P>If you can get him to sign that clause...<BR>...<B>do it</B>...<BR>...but if he marries her... (it will mean nothing) <P>Do all you can to protect your children...<BR>Talk to them... (the "separate the sin from the sinner" talk)...<BR>And do alot of praying!<P> <P>Jim

Oh geez, Jim, I'm in NJ too!! <P>I'm in Sussex County - so my case is being handled in Newton. I'm going to call my atty tomorrow, but do you know if I have a chance if I can prove that this will harm my kids?<P>My oldest son is JUST NOW getting back on his feet. He was failing, kicked out of school for anger, and finally is getting himself back on track. This is going to knock everything back to square one!!!!<P>I'm can't even begin to describe what a basketcase I am right now, and this is the only place with people that actually understand my objections!

BR...<P>Do check with an attorney...<BR>...and most definitely... get the school reports... pyschiarist reports to be reviewed by the judge!<P>My county(Middlesex) is a <B>very</B> liberal county...<BR>...I hope your's is more conservative!<BR>Much will depened on the county practices!<P>Don't rule out support...<BR>...there will be a lag in anything you get...<BR>...but you should be able to file for emergency support.<P>I pray for you...<P>I had no idea you were a pretty close neighbor.<P> <P>Jim

Well howdy neighbor! <P>My mother-in-law, who is very well connected in NJ politics, says that Sussex county judges are considered pretty conservative. So did a Middlesex county atty that I interviewed last year. I do know that I was advised to file first, so that the venue would be Sussex, instead of Essex, (my H lives in Livingston). I hope and pray that it is so!<P>Yes, tomorrow I will put a call into my atty and see about emergency support. I have my financial paperwork for my lawyer already done, so it shouldn't be too long - if my lawyer isn't too swamped, and if the court isn't too busy. <sigh> I have lots of paper trail as to my son's condition - his prior Catholic school that he was kicked out of, his current school which has just completed a full psychological evaluation, and of course his therapist and psychiatrist.<P>Do you think that I could/should get my son's therapist to write a letter to my H stating that this is a cause for concern, NOT a "healing" thing??<P>BLEAH. I'm never getting married ever again!!!!!!

And btw, Jim, please excuse my thoughtlessness.<P>Thank you for the prayers - I really need them. My brain is spinning tonight and I am forgetting my manners!

((((((((BrambleRose)))))))))))<P>I have been so lost in my own fog I didn't realize your H went back to OW. ARRRGGGGGGHHHHH.<P>As usual Jim has given such wonderful advice there is not much I can follow with except that since I am living basically hour by hour and prayer by prayer, I will certainly keep you in mine.<P>I did NOT like that feeling that I couldn't keep my kids from OW. It was very very hard. The harder I fought, the harder ex fought. In my state, NY, the circumstances around a divorce, etc, there is no moral consideration and the WS has equal rights to the kids and as far as I was told I had no choice in the matter.<P>I finally had to give up for the kids sake because my anger and bitterness would rub off on them. Even though I hated OW, I had this bad feeling she would be around for a while, so I started accepting her . IT was hard and not everyone can do it. She bathes the kids and feeds them and is kind to them, but lets be realistic, she also used them to get closer to my H at that time. But there is a "truce" going for some time now only for the kids.<P>That took a long time, a year, to get to, and I worked hard on healing from my divorce. Yet as you can see by my recent posts, I'm not healed enough cuz I wound up in a bad situation anyhow, but not without trying, believe me.<P>You are in my prayers, Hugs, Dana<BR>

Dana, you got too much going on to worry about my mess! <P>Actually, I'm sure you agree, focusing on other's problems in a healthy kinda way does help keep me from obsessing too much about my own stuff.<P>But tonight, I'm smack dab in the middle of obssessed and upset and all that jazz.<P>I really really wish (and yes this is completely a wild dream) that I could just pack up my kids and flee the country. Never have to see him again or deal with his BS.<P>HEALING for my kids??? I can't even type here what I am thinking about that. As I replay our conversation, its clear that he's already made vacation plans this summer with OW for him and the kids.<P>Dana, you are a braver woman than I, to go out there and risk having another relationship. And I'm not that much older than you (32). From where I stand right now, there is just no way I'm ever going to risk getting entangled in this kind of mess ever again. No way am I going to have my family's safety in the hands of someone else besides myself.<P>Maybe, for the right guy, I'd change my mind - but honestly I just don't see that happening. I don't ever ever ever want to suffer through this again - which is why I've been following your posts, and not having much to offer. I just completely feel for you!!<P>And I feel kinda stupid for hurting so badly over his return to OW. <B>I AM DIVORCING HIM</B> - he didn't want it.<P>Why does it hurt so damn much? (rhetorical question of course)