When do you push (keep fighting) for your marriage as opposed to taking a wait and see approach? My separation is final June 1st. We had an exceptional time with the kids over the weekend. When I left she later expressed she had sad feelings seeing me go (unlike her).<P>Yesterday she read a 3 page letter I wrote about my thoughts and feelings on our separation. I struck a nerve so I know she is thinking. The last time we spoke she was very emotional (sad) she said, "I can't be thinking about this and work", "What happened was so terrible", "I don't know if I'll ever get my feelings back" and so forth. So now she's at least thinking about these things.<P>Here's where the fine line is(and where I could screw up):<P>Do I encourage her to explore those feelings, dredge them up, deal with them? Do I keep "light" pressure on (I have 3 more pages in the wings)? Do I lay low let her come to me? <P>She has implied that we can talk about our relationship again after June 1st...why the date I'm not sure unless it's symbolic for her. However, obviously she is not opposed to talking about it in the meantime to some degree.<P>I guess what I'm asking is if you "strike while the fires hot" or what? Of course the risk is that I push her further away.<P>Any opinions/experiences would be helpful.<P>thanks,<P>DD

DD,<P>The first thing I notice is that you seem to be a writer (like me)--after all, a three page letter is pretty long and you have three more pages ready to go! Writing is a great way to eloquently and accurately express your feelings, but you need to remember something. Whatever you write, whether sad, angry, or loving, it will be down on paper forever as a solid "thing" she can hold in her hand and read over and over again. My point being that, unless it's a love letter, she's likely to re-feel her sorrow, re-feel her guilt, and re-feel any "negative" feelings every single time she reads it. Chances are good that she may read it in front of you, carry it around the house with her, re-read it when she goes to bed, and re-read it when she has coffee in the morning. Just think about that a second.<P>Now, here are my credentials: as a child I was physically and sexually abused by my parents, and as you can imagine, I have been through some therapy in my life--turned out pretty well too, I might add! heehee. But I can honestly say that when I was going through my period of looking at, examining, and evaluating things that I did not even want to REMEMBER, it was very hard. It's scary to admit that something happened that you are trying so hard to avoid, so...if she IS going to have the courage to think about what has happened and what is going on, she is going to need you to be her REFUGE not the one who keeps sending her out into the storm again. <P>Now, you and I may see that it is perfectly obvious that is in her best interests to deal with what has happened and face it; however, she may not be there yet. She may not quite be brave enough to do it alone, and if she has even the slightest inkling that you will add to the scary stuff she has to face, she won't do it. BUT if she feels like she's not quite brave enough but you'll be there when she can't do it alone...well, she might try to face it then! <P>Trust me when I say, she can get the feelings back. Feelings are just something that follows ACTIONS. Right now, she is looking to YOU to "make her feel loved" and what she doesn't realize is that you can't "make" her feel ANYTHING. She has to feel it and usually she has to DECIDE to feel it. But, DD, I guarantee you that you will go a long way if you can be her REFUGE--if she can turn to you and not be cut down, blamed, accused or any of that and just lay her worries and fears at your feet. <P>It sounds like she has a lot of stress from work and from your relationship, and I will bet you money that right now she feels like she can not tell you what she REALLY thinks and feels. She is probably also trying to avoid thinking about what she's doing and why and what she needs to learn, etc. etc. etc. She's drowning in stress and pressure and she feels like she's sinking and now you're jumping on top of her too! <P>So, my advice to you would be different than what you asked. I would let her know that she can tell you about work--that you won't try to solve the problem for her or force her to fix it your way--and, DD, no matter WHAT she says to you, respond to her by saying something like, "I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to open up to me. I will think about what you said." It's going to be hard (I'm warning you ahead of time) because she's going to test you, but keep on saying something like that. PROVE TO HER THAT YOU ARE HER REFUGE...that you are ON HER SIDE with all these work stresses and that you will HELP her! <P>At the same time, try not to discuss the relationship a ton. Maybe you two could reach a Joint Agreement that she will let you ask one question a day, and she will answer that one question as honestly as she can--full disclosure. That way, she knows it won't turn into the Spanish Inquisition, and you know that you have one chance a day to "deal with it"--slowly and one step at a time. <P>Last but not least, this is from my own experience. I remember when I was going through my counseling and remembering stuff I had tried so hard to forget, that I often felt like, "I feel WORSE now than I did before, not better. I thought I was supposed to feel better!!" Many people quit at this point, because feeling bad is hard and you want it to end. So expect this a little. If she does start facing it and dealing with it, she is bound to feel WORSE for a while. But trust me, persevere. Keep on going, and keep on facing it, and guess what? Like a light at the end of a tunnel, she will pull through. And guess what else? She will feel BETTER and she will feel love again too!<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

CJ-<P>Whoa!! I had to go back and look at my short "lifespan" of posts to see if I disclosed a few things (and I didn't but will now). My W was also abused as a child. She has done a ton of counseling as well and as you said "felt worse, not better." She has self admittedly said that when it gets too painful..that's about the time to call it quits.<P>So your credentials resonate with me and I think you're on the money. "DD's Refuge" has a certain ring to it!!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...not the one who keeps sending her out into the storm again.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>And yes, I certainly do not want to seem like I'm burdening her by lumping on more stress.<P>FYI...It's much easier to write and re-write...in my short career I haven't been able to master the human verbal edit feature, in fact, I'm not sure I have a verbal edit feature. Once I say it...it's out, and sometimes it's not the way I would have liked to have said it.<P>Thanks!!<P>DD<P>