i have been seeing a man who is separated from his wife for the last 18 mths. when he finally decided to file for a divorce his wife begged him to stay for the kids and ask for a last chance to make try. he has repeatedly told her that he don't love her but she became very desperate and said she didn't care and still wanted him, convinced that things will work out. under pressure from everyone and out of guilt to do the right thing, he decided to stay knowing clearly this is not what he wants. i was devastated but thought that i just have to accept it, we made plans for a future together. he tells me he can't look at her, touch or do anything and is torn to bits for the decision he has made.he thought that in time he would get over the feeling but didn't. he tells me he has made a mistake.he's only consolation are the kids but says he can never be happy again. i try to cease contact with him but its difficult to do so as i still dearly love him. everytime he look at wife he resents her for not letting him get what he wants. i was willing to let him go even though he hurt me but now i am confused. what do i do? He says he doesn't want to stop loving me and he knows deep down he will never be able to love his wife, not after the last 5 years and thinks the rest of his life will be damned but yet things it feels right for him to stay for the kids. His behaviour is honestly quite worrying now. I haven't seen him for more than a mth until yesterday, he has not sleep or eat properly and speaks of just dissapearing from the world sometimes. Its so out of character, he's always been confident and optimistic. Its hard to turn him away. I know even if he decides to divorce it will be sometime b4 he becomes reasonably normal.The thing is i don't know what to do or say to him partly because i'm quite angry as he has hurt me so much and i wish i could hate him. But how do i hate a man who was planning a life with me over a mth ago. i have not been married and because i don't have kids i can't understand how this is tearing him apart. <BR>

kokocha,<P>I just about did not respond to your post as it made me so angry. This post will not support you in anyway so if you are easily offended quit reading now. <P>This is a <B>marriage builders website!!!!!!!!!!</B> We are here to support those who wish to stay married. Not those who are selfishly trying to detroy one. Those of us here are people like your man's(we call them wandering spouses,WS) wife who have tried everything to save the marriage, don't want the Divorce but have been given no choice in the matter.<P>Don't give us any stories about how you two are meant to be and that you are soulmates and how you rescued him from a loveless, unhappy marriage....it is all the same cr@p that all you OP say. Read about about extramarital affairs and see for yourself.<P>In regards to the WS.....You should immediatly break off all contact with him. His place is with his wife and children!!!!!! Of course he feels terrible right now he is in withdrawl! <P>Quit feeling sorry for yourself and get a life!!!! Your pain is <B>nothing</B> compared to how his wife feels right now. Not to mention how devastated his children are/will be. Divorce will not mean a life of happily ever after for you and him, it will bring heartache and pain to everyone. His children will suffer lifelong effects all because of your perceived, selfish, shallow needs. <P>Chances are really high that if he would by some insane notion end up marrying you that you would find yourself in the same position only a FEW years later. Think about this if his marraige was so horrible and bad why didn't he just D her right away? Why has this taken him so long (5years)?<BR>You are nothing but a temporary distration my dear. If he was a real man anyway he would have divorced his wife first after trying everything to make it work, lived on his own for a time then found someone new. <P>You need to do a great deal of self reflection on this whole issue. Read posts here, read books on affairs and read books on the devastation of divorce on families. Tell your WS about this website and encourage him to work it out with is wife. If you are so convinced that his love for you is so great this shouldn't be a threat to you. You then tell him that after he has given it his all and he still decides that he wants a D and that after he has been divorced for two years only then may he contact you again but never again until those conditions have been met. Again if your love is so great then this should not worry you.<P>kokocha, leave the WS to his wife and children. That is where he belongs.<P>

HopelessinAZ is dead on.<P>As you can see, HopelessinAZ is very angry, but her logic is sound. I'd like to add a few more things.<P>Think about these things...<P>All (many) WSs have the same story about loving the BS (betrayed spouse), but not being "in love".<P>Statistically speaking, relationships founded upon your scenario rarely succeed. (that's why HopelessinAZ told you to leave him alone and wait two years)<P>If you think that this is "meant to be" then how can you explain why his marriage wasn't "meant to be"? <P>People in this scenario always think they are different, but the amazing truth is how similar the stories and how frightening the outcome.<P>If he is willing to cheat on his wife (he is married), then what makes you think he won't cheat on you?<P>All marriages have their ups and downs. I see that you are willing to take advantage of a weak man who is in a down period of his marriage. Nonetheless, he is weak. If he does not have the integrity to stick with his spouse and family when things get tough, what makes you think he will stick with you? How can you continue to love a weak man? <P>I presume his marriage was founded upon love, respect, trust, communication, and several other necessary ingredients. Since he is cheating on his spouse and you are messing with married man, I see that you will not start with respect or trust. How can anyone respect someone that cheats on their spouse (one of the most important promises in life). How can either of you trust the other given this scenario?<P>If you have read this far, great. One parting comment.<P>"What goes around, comes around"<P>Kevin<P>

i am not looking for sympathy here cause i know i wouldn't get it. i have read some of the other posts coming from a woman in the WS shoes. because he moved to another state when he got separated, i didn't know he was married until a year later when he told me. it was a bit too late by then. at that point he said that his marriage ended way b4 he met me and that divorce was inevitable and had nothing to do with me. i believed him and stayed. almost 2 years together now.<P>i have met most his friends here and some of his family and vice versa. what happen 3/4 years b4 we met i will never really know. throughout that period he said that sex was always uninitiated, she had an affair, lots of arguments and trying but...so he left, starting in attempt to start a new life. when he told her he wants a divorce, she begged him to stay saying she still wants and loves him. she refused to eat and cries and locks herself in the room the whole time. he's afraid for his children. so he said he would stay to think things over, she's ok now and he's back here. <P>i realise he is a coward, a liar and a cheat. i have not initiated contact with him but i can't push him away when he does. when i argue with him, he says i am looking at things very one dimensionally. i am 25 , he is 36 and have told him i still have a life to live but he doesn't want to let go. i know the answer to this i just need a push. i work for a major consulting firm and have applied for a job transfer overseas today so i can just get away from him.

Good luck, I hope you get your job transfer. You are right you are very young, you have your whole life ahead of you, don't tie it to someone who has this much baggage.<P>this man, even if he doesn't go back to his W, is bad news. LEAVE HIM ALONE. change phone number, the locks to your home, everything you can, don't let him get to you. <P>YOU DESERVE SOMEONE BEETER than this slimeball.<P>good luck & prayers

kokocha,<P>I just wanted to offer my support...you are truly in a difficult situation. The one thing I can say from the "other" side, is that you are only privy to his interpretation....which makes it difficult for you in your own decision making.<P>There are always 3 sides to every story... and only one is the truth.<P>It is hard to see when you are in the middle of it. My thoughts to you are that it makes sense for you to remove yourself from him and the situation, via no contact, at least to clear your own head. But it would definatley take strength.... on your part, because of the bond you now have with him.<P>But try VERY HARD to look at some of the truths that you know are facts... <P>He didn't give you all the information about his history...that could possibly be a red flag for you.<P>He does in fact have kids, and whether or not his relationship with their mother is DOA in his eyes...his relationship with his kids is absolutely NOT. But he may or may not try to make that so.<P>I can gaureetee you that he is one of the people who said "I do" at their wedding...and made vows, promises that he INTENDED to keep.<P>I don't know for a fact that he wanted kids or to be a parent, but he is a part of them... He most likely gave these inocent children a reason to believe that he would love, protect, provide saftely and trust...<P>I don't know this for a fact, but from what I've read about and learned on this site and others about relationships...is that more often than not, the unhappiness that people run away from in their marraiges is more often a hole inside of themselves that they keep trying to fill. The old "the grass is greener on the other side" syndrome.<P>You are young, and you may just want to do some soul-searching as to whether it is YOU that will then have to fill that NEED for him.... because it could be a big responsibility for you...that still may not MAKE him happy.... and you will then be in his exwife's shoes.<P>

I'm confused. When you met him were you the OW and did not know it for a year,or was he already seperated and told you he was over his wife, and then this all came about.

tootrusting,<P>"I don't know this for a fact, but from what I've read about and learned on this site and others about relationships...is that more often than not, the unhappiness that people run away from in their marraiges is more often a hole inside of themselves that they keep trying to fill. The old "the grass is greener on the other side" syndrome."<P>I have to agree with this. I've been thinking alot about this lately. It pretty much sums up my WS X wife. How sad.<P>She has only to learn that happiness comes from within.<P>Kevin

dana - i didn't know he was married/separated/divorced when we first met. he pretended to be free and single. neither of us were expecting things to get serious but it did unfortunately. he manages a business here and travels quite occasionally back home, i didn't think anything of it. <P>tootrusting - i know for a fact that he dearly loves his kids, if sense gets to him and he finally let go of me i know its only because of them. i don't think he planned this to happen when he took his wedding vows. <P>he doesn't want to take resposibility for his actions. he said yesterday deep down he honestly feel that things will never work out with his wife. where initially he thought divorce was inevitable, he was able to reconciled that it wasn't his fault entirely. now she says she wants him again & he can't help but feel solely responsible as the one who abandoned his kids because he wants out.<P>his friend told me that a marriage bruised and scared like his won't have a chance in surviving. i explained to him what some of u mentioned up above and gave him web addresses of all the marriage and divorce sites i thought was worth visiting. he said that he has tried so many times to no avail that he doesn't want to try anymore. When is it too late?

Dear Kokocha,<P>Sorry, double post.<BR>------------------<BR>Kathy<p>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited May 09, 2001).]

Dear Kokocha,<P>The problem I see here is that you keep contacting this man. You keep saying over and over that he said this yesterday, he said that the day before. If you keep contacting him in any way, his marriage IS doomed to failure. There's no way it'll heal with you waiting out in the wings. Girl!, look at how much he lied to you also! He's a skunk and you don't need this. You are way too young and there's plenty available out there for you. Sure it'll hurt, but you HAVE to think about the destroyed lives of those CHILDREN first and just bow out completely and move on. <P>I really hope you get your transfer because that will help you, but in this small world of e-everything, it's going to take more than a transfer. It's going to take a conscious decision to just erase him, no e-mails, no phone calls, just be happy with YOU and don't try to make your happiness dependent on him. Hey, if the wife wants him, you should be glad. Let her keep this one.<P>Truly, everything you wrote that he said about his wife is all stuff we have all heard a million times. My ex-H said all the exact same things about me to his OW. Most of it isn't true, it's just the perception of a cheating heart who is hooked on the ADDICTION of having a lover on the side. I don't know why some people have to have that - my H never stopped dating after we got married. When a man is out having sex with other women, hey that's pretty damn exciting and addicting for him - then he goes home to the "same old" wife; what chance does the wife have? None. How can she possibly compare to what he's doing on the side? Can't you see how the things he says he feels about his wife are caused by the things he does behind her back? He is his own worse enemy, not her. It'll happen to you too. What hold could you possibly have on this man, that is stronger than a spouse that has born children with him - and if he could do that to her, you're a piece of cake later on.<P>I don't know, I probably am not making sense to you. All I know is what I've read and seen, having now been in the world of divorce for a few years. None of this is new. Sorry. He deceived you too. Please do yourself a favor and look at good things you can put into your life, and dump this guy cause he's not one of them.<P><P>------------------<BR>Kathy

I would like to say thanks to all of you. I expected most of you here would just diss me completely being the OP. If that was the case i would only be angry and wouldn't even sit to think and consider the situation properly. <P>As foolish as this may sound i felt sorry for this man, thinking i am doing both of us a favor by being with him. Regardless of how right it feels, fact is he deceived me and worst still he probably is still deceiving me. I am feeling a lot of anger at the moment which is good cause thats what it'll take to keep me away from him. I am feeling tired of feeling this way. <P>Thanks again.