Well, the day has finally arrived... This Saturday stbx-H is moving to Chicago. I haven't committed to moving there as I have nothing at this time. Steve Harley thinks I should go if I want any chance (he also spoke to H and said the walls are pretty high). I'm resigning my present job/contract which requires travel as I'm finding it tremendously draining on what little resources I have left to cope with this personal stuff.<P>Anyway, feeling tremendous pressure and sadness. Pressure because I'm not yet at home... still traveling until Friday night at 5:30 pm. Then he leaves the next morning - after the kids wake up. He starts work in Chicago on Monday. Maybe now he'll feel the consequences of his decision to divorce and the truth will come out... whether there is actually another woman or not (though he denies it completely).<P>We haven't told the kids as this could be just another od Dad's business trips as far as they're concerned (ages 3,5,7).<P>I don't know... it's drawing to a close. How sad. God help me cope... help the kids cope.<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

(((((((ovrc;s))))))))))<P>I still don't know your name, but I am sending you a hug. Thank you for all the help and prayers the past week. I appreciate it. Dana<BR>

Thanks... my name is Nicole.<P>It's not going to be easy but I can't think long-term right now... just one day at a time. Maybe even one hour at a time! It seems when it rains it pours!!!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Well, my H read this post! I can't believe it?! He knows I come on here sometime but said he was on yesterday - I'm in Europe and he's in the midwest! He was upset that I talked about the truth coming out about the other woman.<P>He said that this is a key issue in the demise of our marriage that I don't trust him. I told him I've had a problem with trust my whole life and I'm sorry. I am not accusing him of having another woman, just stating the thought that if there is another one, the truth will come out now.<P>Anyway, if anyone has anything to say to HIM, he may check back as I told him that I'm going to re-read what I said now. Thanks again for your hugs and support! One more day and he's gone...<P>He told me that our oldest son was playing with his best friend (both 7) and he got angry and started hitting him and said he couldn't stop. He was so upset that he couldn't stop that he was doubled over in anger... what to make of this? H says that he told the kids (without my presence) that he was leaving on Saturday. Any correlation to the depth of this anger? Or, shall I be happy, as H says, that our son can identify this as a problem in himself?<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

double post<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

((((Nicole))))<P>I love that name btw!!<P>I hope your H comes here and posts his side of the story. He would get some invaluable advice, and we'd have better things to say to you too!!<P>It is fantastic that your son knows that he is angry.<P>It is NOT fantastic that he feels out of control with his anger. This is definitely a symptom of your separation. <P>His dad is leaving. His family and his world may never be the same. He has absolutely no say in the choices that the 2 of you are making for him. He can't choose new parents.<P>Please please please get your son help as soon as possible. Therapy has made a HUGE difference for my son (9) and his anger - which eventually got him kicked out of school. Now that he has someone safe to talk to (and I stay out of the sessions) - he has calmed down considerably.<P>((((hugs)))))<P>I'm sorry for your pain. I wish to God my H would come here and read, and see what he is doing to his family. I'm glad yours cares enough to do that.<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Thanks... your words are always so comforting and a reality check! Cheers!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Dear Nicole,<P>Though we have never met, our stories like many others run a similar course. Loss of trust in any relationship is painful. If there is not reason for this loss of trust other than insecurity, then the one without the insecurity problem should be rendering reassurance to the other. <P>The fact that your son got angry, shows that your children are feeling something. That is not something to be denied. Children are keen and austute (sp?). Don't underestimate what they know and feel.<P>If there is something to hide, then the reason for distrust is valid. Now which is it going to be? <P>If the one who is doing something worthy of mistrust, is guilty, then they will often try to shift the blame somewhere else or avoid it. This is where the term conflict avoiders comes in. <P>Many of the WS's have said that once things are brought out in the open, a sense of relief comes over them. Some figure that out on their own and others have it forced upon them due to the BS finding out. Either way truth brings some relief. Now the knowledge puts things in a different category but one that you can now deal with. <P>Your H needs to see that. My H thinks I am manipulated by everyone here and only does what 'Steve H' tells me. Like I am some programmed robot or something. I have to reason with him to show him I am not being conditioned. Just being informed. Now OW, she is into mind conditioning. <P>If your H would like to communicate with anyone here, I am sure some would not mind. Maybe one of the guys might be better to talk with. You know how us girls can get. Only joking.<P>In the meantime, Nicole, please take care of yourself and your little ones. If you can get your son to some type of counseling or therapy, it would be good. <P>L.<BR> <P>

Thank you Orchid... I'm going to check into some summer activities like an art therapy camp or something for the kids this summer.<P>My H has been reading this and is getting upset that I'm blowing this out of proportion. Well, I hope that I am. Just because he and I see it differently doesn't mean that there are elements of truth to both of our stories.<P>I want to protect the kids and help them learn to deal with the choices that my H is making to leave the family.<P>I completely agree with you on what you say about trust in fact my best friends (while we lived in Romania) also said that it seems that if the person feeling secure about trust and their spouse is insecure, that they would go out of the way to show care and love would try to demonstrate trustworthiness and not push the envelope the other way insisting that trust is MY issue. That was a very hard time for me. Not only because my BASE personality has issues with trust (given my whole childhood was based on a lie - I'm the product of an affair my mother had) but now it felt like I was being provoked not only by my H but by the OW (EA). It seemed that she also liked to see me get upset and would act differently when I was around than when I was traveling (like visits to our home at 10 pm at night for a beer which she'd never do when I was there).<P>OH well... I hate processing all this stuff over again. Doesn't really help me keep my LB behavior in check. But that is a God-issue for me... only can I be transformed on the "inside of the cup" by the Grace of God and not my own performance.<P>Anyway, I'm back from my business travel and <B>this morning is the day that he's moving out...</B> sadness and regret all around me... even our children are sad and they don't know all the emotional side of this... just that Daddy got a job in Chicago and is moving there. We'll go visit when school is out. They are expecting us all to move there as a family. How do I tell them? What do I tell them? I'm not even sure what we're going to do. I ended up giving up MOST of my job - only will do a few projects but nothing that will sustain me and the boys in our own home in Chicago. God help us!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once<p>[This message has been edited by OvrCs (edited May 12, 2001).]

OvrCs,<P>((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))<P>Just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you today. <P>We are here to listen anytime you need us!<P>Take Care.